Always Angry

[Bart23]

Blessings,

I am new to this forum. I have been trying to reach out for help for years but just don't know how. I have (2) teenage boys (14) and (16). Since there were small I always find myself yelling at them..almost like a jealous feeling. I'm afraid that I have not connected to them and now I'm starting to see results. We hardly speak at all and I'm starting to hate what I've created. I hate that it will only get worse. For example, this whole week when I come home I don't say a word to them. They try to converse with me but I ignore them. I want to talk but words don't come out. I want to have a relationship with them but anger creeps in.

I love taking them out to dinner, family trips and vacations. We speak a little more when we do this but once back home it's the same routine. I really didn't have a relationship with my dad and mother and maybe because my kids have a great relationship with my wife...the anger comes from?

Someone, please help with advice.

Be Blessed

 

[Tree of Life]

https://www.amazon.com/Good-Angry-I...8-1&keywords=good+and+angry+by+david+powlison

 

[A_Thinker]

Blessings,

I am new to this forum. I have been trying to reach out for help for years but just don't know how. I have (2) teenage boys (14) and (16). Since there were small I always find myself yelling at them..almost like a jealous feeling. I'm afraid that I have not connected to them and now I'm starting to see results. We hardly speak at all and I'm starting to hate what I've created. I hate that it will only get worse. For example, this whole week when I come home I don't say a word to them. They try to converse with me but I ignore them. I want to talk but words don't come out. I want to have a relationship with them but anger creeps in.

I love taking them out to dinner, family trips and vacations. We speak a little more when we do this but once back home it's the same routine. I really didn't have a relationship with my dad and mother and maybe because my kids have a great relationship with my wife...the anger comes from?

Someone, please help with advice.

Be Blessed

Teens can be frustrating, in that they're testing their wings in a lot of ways, ... but also continue to remain dependent upon you.

They need guidance at this point. Maybe you could have a sit down with them and explain that some of your own frustrations have contributed to a lack of connection with them ... and that you are going to try and be different with them.

Then follow that up with action. Make yourself talk to them. They need you ...

 

[LaSorcia]

Why don't you go to your boys and tell them what you told us? It's okay to apologize to our children when we mess up. Let them know you want to do things better and have a closer relationship with them but maybe you don't know how. Counseling might be an option as well.

I hate that it will only get worse.

I recommend against saying things like that. It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[maintenance man]

I really didn't have a relationship with my dad and mother and maybe because my kids have a great relationship with my wife...the anger comes from?

Anger often comes from frustration. Do your boys have a better relationship with your wife than you do?

Do you need to fix the relationship with your wife?

Do you need to address any other issues in your life that have you on edge?

Take an honest interest in your boys by putting yourself in their shoes. What's it like to be a teenager today? Have you thought about that? Let them know you want to understand them better and ask them to share with you. Ask your boys what they like and dislike about you.

Take all this information and look in the mirror and ask yourself - "Where does this anger come from?"

Then pray.

 

[Dave-W]

They try to converse with me but I ignore them. I want to talk but words don't come out. I want to have a relationship with them but anger creeps in.

First off, they are reaching out to you to connect and relate. STOP pushing them away.

You need to apologize for this behavior and explain to them your difficulty.
Pray. A LOT. Have them pray also.
The more effort you put forth ( and KEEP putting forth) the easier it will become. You did not learn it from your dad, so learn it from your kids.

 

[blackribbon]

Your kids don't need you to talk so much as focus on what they are saying and listen to them. When your mouth is open, you don't learn about them. They don't expect you to solve all their problems or have all the answers. Just be there as someone to guide and support them as they work out their own problems outloud. They know you are flawed. The pressure is off there. They don't need all the answers, just a solid support system and a safe place to call home.

 

[JAM2b]

There's lots of good comments here.

I want to add that it is ok to emphasize where you are at in this situation with you kids. Tell them you are at the place of understanding there's a problem and you are wanting to have healing and correct the situation. Tell them, and yourself, that it is a process and it will take some time and that there could be some steps forward and some steps back, but if you keep going eventually things will reach a point of being healthy and can stay that way.

Along with counseling, there are groups that help with things like anger and rage. Celebrate Recovery has a group for general struggles and one for rage. I personally didn't like Celebrate Recovery, but it has been a wonderful resource for a lot of people. Don't be afraid to step out and try various groups if they are available where you live so you can try to find one that is a good fit.