Alone & Suffering

[MatthewLynn]

Hello, My name is Matthew.

I have both Depression and Aspergers Syndrome (High-functioning Autism).

For Years I have suffered from this and I often see no way out.

• March 18th, 2014: My birthday, I almost committed suicide
• 2-Weeks ago I self-harmed (I have not done this in almost one Year)

I have recently began attending Sunday services again; I felt pushed by the Holy Spirit to do so. It is good, going to church, and for that 1.5 Hours I feel no pain inside. I plan on going to Easter service on Sunday.

But, it does not feel enough. Honestly, I feel no connection directly to God anymore (I am NOT saying I am feeling Atheistic).

I almost feel cursed, but I do not know why.

Here I sit chain-smoking, constantly alone and feeling despair.

Thank you,
Matthew

 

[olderguy]

Hi Matthew,

Happy Belated Birthday.

I'm in almost the same situation you are, but I'm older and I also suffer from chronic exhaustion, and the Docs don't know why. I recently found out I may also have Aspergers Syndrome. I didn't know what it was, and someone told me 1 of the characters in "Big Bang Theory" is a good example of Aspergers Syndrome, so I guess I have it too. I also feel cursed. I keep asking God for a friend in person, and I don't get one. I always used to have 2 or 3 friends until 2002. I have no family. All I ever had was parents, and I lost 1 in 1976, and then my mother in 2000. So no family and then in the next 2 years I lost my few friends. I only have my Internet friends, and they're good ones, I am grateful for them.

It's good you went to church. I keep wanting to go but don't because of the constant exhaustion. Usually I sleep all day and I'm awake a night. I'm up today because I have a Doc appointment.

I find being alone all the time is the hardest thing there is. Feel free to write me. If I don't write back it's because I'm having PC problems. I also can't get this website to send me notices when someone writes me, or when someone responds to a thread I responded to. I tried to set it to Instant Email Notifications, but it doesn't work. So I have to try and remember which threads I responded to, and then check them.

But do get out and go to church as often as you can.

John

 

[Noxot]

don't give up... this is just as much a part of your journey with God as the happy parts.

 

[MatthewLynn]

Thank you to both of you for your replies.

 

[Criada]

Sorry it's so hard, Matthew. You are in my prayers.
Church is great, you can meet and fellowship with other people.
There are support groups for adults with Aspergers, online and locally. Without knowing where you live, I can't speak for local ones, but there is a very good Facebook support group, and others there may be able to help you find local support.

 

[preacharryesitsme]

ahhh yes tis an affliction perhaps a trial //

... let us be in him >>>Christ ... thru all circumstances .. him the one tis our all ..


we never know unless the Lord reveal to us ... just what wonderfull mighty purpose he does with our lives.

.. as his word says to us ,,,

Pro 20:24 Man's goings are of the LORD; how can a man then understand his own way?



and also my friend ...
Pro_3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.



exhausting it must be to u ... i am sure at times ...


Twas also to our Lord ... our saviour ...

love to


... in Christ


Preacharr

 

[preacharryesitsme]

don't give up... this is just as much a part of your journey with God as the happy parts.

ahhhhh lol ..tis words that come from him in you ...


wise words ... that speak truth ...


preacharr

 

[preacharryesitsme]

tis always a blessing to hear that which we feel inside


.... in music ..

clears the soul ... for your work in him >ahead


hope you like this song ...

hillsong .. diverse in their ministry of lovin us comforting us encouraging us thru music


Hillsong United - "Oceans" (Live at RELEVANT)





google it

Preacharr

 

[orangeness365]

I get suicidal even just while my family is asleep each night. I can't imagine what it would be like to be completely alone.

 

[miss-a]

I think it is normal that there are times when we do not feel God's presence or connected to Him. It is in these times that we learn to practice walking by faith, trusting He is there. I have been through these seasons and learned that we have to keep talking to Him, stay in His word, and press through until it changes. I think listening to good teaching can help us stay connected. I'll leave you a link to an encouraging teaching I like a lot that reminds us of God's heart for us. Remember, God often speaks through teachers (the good ones that is.) Also, keeping Christian music playing will help you feel more connected. It may take time, but this season will pass. You are not cursed. Many of the great fathers of the faith went through this sort of thing. John Wesley once asked his brother what to do, because he felt he didn't have any faith anymore. His brother told him to keep preaching until his faith returned. In other words, stay connected even if you don't feel connected. Sometimes, in fact often times our feelings lie. That's why listening to truth is such a help. Here are those links.

Excellent teaching: Videos | Gateway Church

Encouraging music: www.klove.com

Prayers for you,
a

 

[mimibeloved]

[FONT=&quot]hi there
I don't know really anything about Aspergers, but I have been depressed (the real kind) and I am very alone right now. Over the past 15 months, my dad died, my boyfriend dumped me (again) and my daughter moved out and emigrated, and now I am alone for the first time in 23 years. somewhere along the line, i lost my last friend due to false and malicous gossip (spread by church members, yes, really) and now i have absolutely no meaningful relationship with anyone. I feel that God has abandoned me as well. the loneliness is so intense, I feel that I am going out of my mind, literally. I am a nurturing person and having no one to love and care for jsut feels so empty. I attend church groups and things, but it is just fleeting superficial contact. I have discovered something very important:

*
Every person needs at least one lasting, close and meaningful relationship to be mentally healthy and fulfilled.
*


Do the psychiatrists know this? I never hear them making a point of it. Maybe if they did, people would get helped faster and then they wouldn't make so much money.
Even God thought that perfect man in paradise shouldn't be alone.
My childhood nightmares and all other problems would mean nothing if I could have the love of someone special back in my life.
That's why so many people are depressed. they are missing that.
the problem is, you can't pull that kind of relationship out of a hat. it's hard to find anyone on your wavelength and then it takes years for the trust and closeness to grow.
I have been praying about it, because it needs a miracle, really, and only God can do miracles, but He doesn't always answer those prayers. Well, not mine.

that sounds very negative and hopeless, I'm sorry.
I do sympathise deeply with you and will pray for you that God takes your loneliness away and gives you the love of someone who truly cares about you.
[/FONT]

 

[sunmicroman]

Prayers for you. Remember with God you are never truly alone and you have people who care about you here.

 

[olderguy]

I am also alone, and I feel lonely. I went to a church Easter Sunday and it helped.

Mimi, I totally agree that we all need at least 1 person to be close to. And I hate to tell you this, but once you pass 50 it's harder to form those close bonds. At least it has been for me. I've been like this for some 12 years now. I have survived only by having close Internet friends. So I want to invite you to write to me. Go to my profile page and send me a private message. I promise I'll write back. I'm not a typical man. I'm not into sports or gambling, or who won the latest fight. So all my life my closest friends were always female. When I was young I was headed towards being a clinical psychologist, which means feelings and emotions would have been my stock and trade. Most men don't like to talk about feelings, but I do. So I hope you write to me.

I feel cursed too. I happen to think we're in the latter part of the end times. Although there may still be several hundred years before Jesus returns. But I've noticed on this board there are a LOT of Christians who feel cursed. And yet, if we really are Christians, we can't be cursed. Not for real. If we have the Holy Spirit in us, a curse can't also be in us. But we can still feel that way. It's a lie. I think that because we're in the end times, God is making us Christians call on Him, and use all the weapons and armor He gave us to fight the evil ones. In other words, 50 to 100+ years ago God did the fighting for us. But as we get closer to the end, God wants us to fight, while He helps us.

In case you don't know where the explanation of our armor and weapons are, it's in Ephesians 6: 10 - 18. (I tried to post a link, but I don't have enough posts yet for that privilege, so)
The Armor of God10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
I hope some of you find this helpful.

And Mimi please do write to me.

John

 

[mimibeloved]

Yes I did John.
I just want to say that I believe Christians are attacked all the time and maybe even more than unbelievers. Depression may be part of it, I don't know.
Some days it is just too hard to fight the discouragement, it seems to come from all sides at fast speed.
I have a suspicion that the more our faith grows, the harder our lives become. I have asked God not to test me any more. I don't want to win all the big crowns, it's much too hard. I'm happy to be the least in the heavenly population as long as I just get in.

 

[achristian2]

[FONT=&quot] I have discovered something very important:[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]*[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Every person needs at least one lasting, close and meaningful relationship to be mentally healthy and fulfilled.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]*[/FONT]

I have to agree.

 

[achristian2]

I think that because we're in the end times, God is making us Christians call on Him, and use all the weapons and armor He gave us to fight the evil ones. In other words, 50 to 100+ years ago God did the fighting for us. But as we get closer to the end, God wants us to fight, while He helps us.

I wonder this too from the posts I see in the forum and my own self.
However, in my church, there's lots of rich people with families that are doing so well, its almost like a day and night contrast with the board.

All I know is that I have to keep fighting and hoping for better days. And when I get down, to keep praying to be lifted up.

Hugs to all

 

[Noxot]

being free from the slavery of necessity and truly walking in the spirit in freedom is the only way for true spiritual union with God. we are going through tough times because of the prevailing of heaven over hades and hades would that we give up and sink back down into fallen humanity and yet our spirits yearn and say 'no' and thus there is a great struggle for so many of us because both the church and christ are yearning for the condition of slavery and blindness from the eternal reality to come to an end because when that which is temporal is ended we find the temporal not annihilated but rather we see and exist within the true reality instead of the blindness of the first adam who is natural. the love story of God is not scared of mass darkness and neither is humanity for humanity is going through more darkness because it is almost at its end but we have to press on to the prize in God. the deep desire is one for union and when we look for this union with blind eyes we create for ourselves an infinite hell but thank God eternity is greater than infinity. this reality is not based in natural happiness because true happiness does not come from below, love is not skin deep... it comes from above. that is not to say that being happy in this physical is bad, our spirits only wish that this happiness of the natural be spiritual and perfect rather than it enslaving us to 'mediocre' for we so desires the eternal life... the fullness of life in the holy spirit.... which God gives to us in the here and the now ( we have this treasure in earthen vessels )... it is the peace that the world can not receive because it does not know God as it ought though secretly and inwardly it is starving and crying out for love because love desires love. truly God made us out of his desire, freedom and love and this is the kingdom of heaven with God, the kingdom is the love with the beloved. we are so greatly loved by God and God desires that we love him in return with our whole being rather than anything based in temporal reality and based in only partiality. what the world thinks is good is despised in the eyes of God. perceived blessings are sometimes only the slavery of the devil while perceived curses are in truth blessings that lead one to spiritual freedom. suffering has its end in death and the resurrection means no more dying and no more death.

we must die to the evil elements within our selves that we may have clear vision of God and ourselves. we have to be real with God and we have to stop pretending around with him, we have to stop acting and be authentic with him because if we are not ourselves to God we will never see God as he is, we will only see a reflection of falseness of our beloved Lord when we ourselves are not real. we have to be the depth of who we are. we are firstly spirits and angels as opposed to being only human animals. we did not exist first in the earth, we existed firstly in the heart of God and everything in the depth of our being crys out to not be a slave to this place... because the church, the wife of chirst is a eternal and spiritual reality and we are a heavenly organism. it is not something that was born within the fallen state of this world but rather something that was before the fallen condition of this reality, this fallen reality that most human beings perceive to be real ( yet at the same time they also in part see the heavenly goodness of God ). by only existing on the shallowness of life and this skin deep reality the world shall never be restored to the glory that Christ had before this world was. only divine love is going to make us feel better. only eternal union with God is going to solve all our problems. and this is why everything is the way it is, to the end that it might be reborn in the unchanging eternal unity of the kingdom of God, the transfiguration/restoration of this universe and it starts with each of us because we are Gods beloved and God loves us as the object of his love and he is our object of love and this makes us eternal and complete. when we have forgotten this evil and non-being masquerade around and create a false reality and make pain and suffering out of what is the paradise of Gods and thus also our paradise. but God always uses everything to move us towards himself but we have to freely move towards him as well and if we feel we are not doing that we create a fire in us that drives us crazy.

the depths of this reality is the truth and what most of us exist and are trapped in is the outside, symbolic, crystallized, crucified, objectified, naturalized, mechanical aspect of this reality which can never be complete of its own. but in the depths is the true happiness and only by dwelling deeply in the spirit do we see true and eternal change of the lower realities of the soul and physical world and physical existence. things always go according to plan but not according to the plan of the fallen reality that has enslaved us. the mystery of the cross of christ shows the true power of the divinity of the love of God and the world sees only weakness but God conquered the world with this perceived weakness. we are co-creators of this reality with God and this is our purpose that we long for! we create together because we belong together. we yearn to do spiritual acts, to paint our spiritual love in this world and see it in all things, we yearn for the freedom of this universe that has been subjected to vanity, but it was subjected in hope so let us strongly cleave to the faith, hope, and love that is from God for he freely gives it to us, let us freely receive to the fullness of who we are. God will show us and lead us, we must follow our beloved!