Alone in a crowd

[Missinyou]

Hi everyone. I have been gone from this site for a while so it was both interesting and emotional to catch up on everybody..and to meet the new members. I lost my wife on June 4, 2006 and I still have those tough moments but they are getting easier and farther apart.

I just returned from a 7 day cruise in Alaska with 14 of my wifes family. The thing is that most of them are married so I always felt like that fifth wheel. You know.. the odd man out thing. I found myself wandering the upper deck, watching the waves or the landscape passing, but the rest of them understood and never pressed the issue. I am not an inside person in the first place so became restless after just a few minutes setting down..but I do know it had a lot to do with seeing them having such a good time with their spouses and wishing Patsy was there with me. Only once or twice did I actually break down... but let me tell you...there are a lot of places to hide on a 2400 passenger ship... Everyone asks me if I had a good time and are a little shocked when I say it was okay. I have come to the conclusion that cruises are for sharing with someone very special...so I will not be going on another till I have that someone, if I ever do. Most people don't understand how you can be all alone with 2399 others around...but it is possible...because I know.

 

[JeanR]

I know what you mean. It's amazing how lonely you can be surrounded by people. I just came back from vacation, too. I went with Terry's family on a vacation in New Hampshire. It's hard being single when in your heart you are married.

I had an incident on the trip which really hit home that Terry is gone. There were 43 family members staying at the same resort. We had a picnic dinner on Wednesday night to get rid of our food before going home. My brother-in-law (he is married to Terry's sister) was very drunk and he slapped me across my bottom very hard and thought it was real funny. Later in the evening I was sitting in a chair and he came up behind me and put his shirt over top of my head so that I ended up trapped between his shirt and his chest. I'm sure he is embarrassed by his behavior now that he is sober, but at the time I was mortified. Terry would never have allowed him to do that to me and every inch of me ached for Terry. That was an evening that I felt very much alone surrounded by people.

Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions of living, just biding my time waiting to die.

 

[Missinyou]

I know what you mean. It's amazing how lonely you can be surrounded by people. I just came back from vacation, too. I went with Terry's family on a vacation in New Hampshire. It's hard being single when in your heart you are married.

I had an incident on the trip which really hit home that Terry is gone. There were 43 family members staying at the same resort. We had a picnic dinner on Wednesday night to get rid of our food before going home. My brother-in-law (he is married to Terry's sister) was very drunk and he slapped me across my bottom very hard and thought it was real funny. Later in the evening I was sitting in a chair and he came up behind me and put his shirt over top of my head so that I ended up trapped between his shirt and his chest. I'm sure he is embarrassed by his behavior now that he is sober, but at the time I was mortified. Terry would never have allowed him to do that to me and every inch of me ached for Terry. That was an evening that I felt very much alone surrounded by people.

Sometimes I feel that I am just going through the motions of living, just biding my time waiting to die.

Drunk or not, embarrased or not... It was still very rude and a sincere apology is in order.. I don't have the foggiest idea who this guy is Jean, but I already don't approve of him.. I know we are not to judge people but things like this really put it to the test.... If he is a christian, he really needs to evaluate himself and his actions. Sorry, Jean, but what you said your brother-in-law did, upset me very much. No one should be treated that way. I find as I get older that it's becoming harder and harder to put up with drunk people..and I have a couple in my family who get that way...quite often.

Now that I have that off my chest, now let's get on to the part about just waiting to die. Do you really think Terry would want you to feel that way. I know it's hard but we have to fight against those feelings. I miss Patsy so much, and it's been over a year now, but something tells me I have to go on. My son just left and we were talking out in the driveway, and I told him I was letting go of the past, a little at a time. I finally threw away some old dried roses that she had hanging on the bedroom wall with a locket. I put the locket in a drawer and will find someone to give it to. I firmly believe we have to let go of the past if we are to survive. I don't by any means, think we need to forget, but we do need to let go. Life has too many great things to offer us and God has given us so much to live for, family, friends, and just the beauty of his creation. If we keep holding on too strongly, we will miss all the beauty of this world...and God did not create it just for us to ignore. We need to remember but we also have to continue on...and I know it's going to be the hardest thing we will ever do...at times, but it will become easier as time goes on..and perhaps someday we will look at life and laugh again...with somebody special...just like we did with our husbands and wives..and then we will have forgotten just how rotten life can be at times.

 

[JeanR]

I'm sorry I said what I did about waiting to die. I was at a very low point at that time. I guess I am still on that roller coaster of emotions. I thought they had leveled out, but sometimes they still hit.

I have always tried to be a good wife to Terry and a good mother to our children. I never measured up, however, to Terry's parents. He was their golden child. I have just had it confirmed, but I knew it would be so, that their wills have been updated and I have been cut out. Anything Terry would have inherited will go to our children, not to me. I'm glad they are at least remembering our children. I know people will think it strange that I am not upset about this, but I actually feel wonderful that it is so. I feel free. The Lord has provided for me in ways so unexpected and I know he will continue to do so. I don't need to be wealthy. I see how wealth has made my parents-in-laws miserable people.

What does bother me is that after Terry died, his parents made this big deal out of how I was their daughter and they loved me, (something they never said when my husband was alive) but at the same time visiting the lawyer updating their will. That is what hurts.

Anyway, I feel like a ship which has had the mooring lines severed and it looks like it is drifting away, however, it is starting over and is moving on to a new life and new adventures.

But I know, that I will never get married again. I loved Terry with all my heart and he was the love of my life, but when you marry you not only marry the man but his family, too.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree with what you both have said JeanR and missingyou. It has been 2 1/2 years for me, and although I am still raising children (9 and 13 boys), that doesn't mean we don't feel alone or like a 5th wheel alot. At first I said I would NEVER get married again. I was married for almost 25 years. I couldn't imagine being with someone else. I believe in the "the two become one flesh" so how does that work since he died? I know in my heart that if I was the one that died, he would have already found someone else. Not because he didn't love me, but because he might need someone to get thru life. I also understand about the family thing. It sounds like his family is too tied up in the money thing. I am glad they are remembering your children. My husbands family WAS my family. They are still in my life, but not nearly as much as they were when my husband was alive. He was really close to them and asked them to make sure I was taken care of. They really haven't but that's OK, because I AM OK anyway. The only way I would get married again is if someone really really great came along and they really really wanted me and really really loved the lord and the timing was right. I really want to finish raising my kids first. But it took me 2 1/2 years to get to that point, and I still am not sure even then if I would get married again. Time is the only thing that makes it any easier, but that in itself makes it hard at the same time. The only other thing I can say, is that I KNOW God has a plan for each of us, and he cares about us deeply. Lately what he has shown me is that everything I feel, he has felt. I lost my husband, he lost his son, I feel lonely and left out, so does he when we don't spend time with him. Etc. etc. etc. Bottom line, which we all know is that God does understand.

memoriesbymichelle

 

[JeanR]

The only way I would date is if he had a letter of recommendation from his pastor.

 

[Missinyou]

The only way I would date is if he had a letter of recommendation from his pastor.

You don't know my pastor.... LOL

 

[JeanR]

Ok, you made me laugh. Thank you, Rick

Jean

 

[chapel247]

Hi everyone. I have been gone from this site for a while so it was both interesting and emotional to catch up on everybody..and to meet the new members. I lost my wife on June 4, 2006 and I still have those tough moments but they are getting easier and farther apart.

I just returned from a 7 day cruise in Alaska with 14 of my wifes family. The thing is that most of them are married so I always felt like that fifth wheel. You know.. the odd man out thing. I found myself wandering the upper deck, watching the waves or the landscape passing, but the rest of them understood and never pressed the issue. I am not an inside person in the first place so became restless after just a few minutes setting down..but I do know it had a lot to do with seeing them having such a good time with their spouses and wishing Patsy was there with me. Only once or twice did I actually break down... but let me tell you...there are a lot of places to hide on a 2400 passenger ship... Everyone asks me if I had a good time and are a little shocked when I say it was okay. I have come to the conclusion that cruises are for sharing with someone very special...so I will not be going on another till I have that someone, if I ever do. Most people don't understand how you can be all alone with 2399 others around...but it is possible...because I know.

Brother, that was absolutely powerful!!!
Just wanted you to know, though you may choose not to cruise in the manner you've mentioned, I am with you on this cruise we must now live, and JESUS will captain our vessel into areas of joy, reserved for them that trust HIM in all things.

 

[CRASH2008]

MissinYou - I know all too well how you felt. I had a hard time going to family birthday celebrations as I was the only one without a spouse - except Mom - and she seems fine with it as Dad was sick a very long time - but me I hate to be the only one without someone. I did not even go to the family Christmas celebration. I put a tree up here at home and just sat by myself. That was year 1 - 2006 to 2007. For Christmas 2007 I called my son and asked him to come to the Family Christmas Celebration so he and I could have our photos taken together as a family. He came and I am glad I went with him there. I spent a much better Christmas day too as I switched churches and our Pastor told people to look around and if someone was sitting by themself to make sure they were not alone on Christmas Day. I walked away with an invitation to Breakfast for Christmas, then went to my son's for dinner, went to see the one local grandchild then to another Church family's house for open house - desserts. I ended up getting home at 9:30 p.m. after having left that morning at 7:30 a.m. What will I do this year? I don't know. I would like to go visit a friend for Christmas but we shall see. The family birthday celebrations I still don't go to. I love them but I can only take so much of them looking at me like they feel sorry for me. Would rather be online. But alone in a crowd - it is so easy to feel that way.

For New Year's Eve I treated myself to see My Fair Lady at The Kennedy Center in Washington, DC and I am glad I went. I had a great time.

So what does 2008 hold for me? Only God knows. I am trying to get involved in my Church.

I pray for all of those who are alone. It is not easy.

 

[InHisCare]

At least you were brave enough to go on the cruise. I do everything I can to avoid situations like that because I feel so out of place. Even at church I usually sit by myself, it is very uncomfortable. You took a big step, even if it felt weird. Maybe the next time it won't be as bad.