Almost Gone

[Vixen Evenstar]

Originally posted by broken mach1ne
I really wannabe dead. I don't desire hope or a future. I only want death so it can all be gone. Everything I know will dissolve in the abyss. Alone and nothing. What's wrong with that? What's wrong with not wanting to see the light of day? Any who do not desire conformity are singled out and prosecuted. I don't want help 'cause I just don't care anymore. I won't ever care again. I really just want to be dead. Curse me with a fatal heart attack that will end it all. Give my life to one who has no insight, no knowledge except what meets the eye.

It is wrong. It's very wrong.  God says not to.  When you die is up to him.  God didn't make you to die. He has a purpose for you.  And killing yourself is selfish.  What about friends? What about family? People who care for you?  Think about them as well.  You may not see  what purpose God has for you, but he has one. You can be sure of that.

 

 

[broken mach1ne]

What about them? Who should care about them because where you go you never return from. Yes it is selfish but at this point I don't care. Call me selfish.  (edit) Call me anything you want, a coward, a loser, a weakling, nothing matters to me. I care about nothing and no one, least of all myself.

 

 

edited to remove obscenity.

 

[Sharky]

Hey dude. I think i realise how you feel and i should be quite blunt. You are not a coward. You aren't useless or evil or anything. You are YOU! God doesn't want you to suffer. His hand is right there. Don't get caught up in feeling bad. Take His hand and start getting up. You can recover from this.

I guess at the way you feel now you probably don't care but just force yourself to care even if it's just for a while and listen. Listen to what these people have to say and more importantly, listen for God. He might not talk to you in ways you expect, much less even want, but for sure, you gotta stop banging your head on the wall and turn around to look for a second otherwise you're not going to see the help that's there. If you want a way out of this, killing yourself isn't a solution.

Hope we can talk more. I'll definetely be listening and pray for you.

 

[endure]

dude, how long has this post been here?
a few days?
you posted it, yet when people reply you dont want help. you say,NO I DONT WANT YOU TO CARE FOR ME! NO I ONLY WAN TO DIE! I REALLY WANT TO DIE!
yet, the next day comes and your still here......waiting on the next person to reply to your post. and all you say is that you dont want any help and you want to die. but if you really did, youd have done it already. and if you really didnt want help, youd have not posted this.

you obviously dont really want to die, and you obviously do want someone to talk to about it with you.
stop feeling sorry for yourself, do what your gonna do.

but if your really gonna doit.
first understand that not being able to do what you want to do, not being able to do the will of god, is not something to kill yourself over.
it is something that applies to everyone of us, we are all in the state you are in.

which is simply not being able to do what god says on are own.
you just have to cry out to god and ask him to fill you with his spirit, you cannot be righteous on your own.
but god can come upon your body and change into a rightouse person, and give you the strength and desire to be righteouse.
you simply have to cry out to god for it.
if you want to live holy, all you have to do is ask god to change you and give you the desire and strength to overcome your flesh.
the bible says we do this by the holyspirits power in our lives.

whatever the problem in your life, all you have to do is get more of god in your life untill he pushes that thing out. pray more, spend more time with god, ask him for the power, ask him to change you.
when you pray and get alone with god, you will leave your prayer place like your on fire and full of passion, hating all sin and evil, just waiting to see a devil so you can stomp him! experience with god always does this...time in his presence is always refreshing, its like eating a meal and leaving full, ready to go again, till the next meal.
you just have to renew this strength....day by day.

your problem can be fixed, in the presence of god.
you may not get perfect in a day, but you will greatly improve, and the depression will leave.

well, do what your gonna do, since you seem to not want any help, but listen so some words of wisdom first.... godbless ya.
hope ya choose wisely

 

[GodOwnsMe]

wow.. are you sure you really don't care ..cause I was getting that kind of feeling when I couldn't deal with things and the confusion was getting "too much"............... it's not true you will never care again.

No matter what things may look like and what you feel like there's a way out and theres love for you

Just try to trust

*hugs* you're loved, God Bless YOU !!
love ya

 

[The Simple Plan]

Dear God I know that better than anyone else you know BM's heart and his mind and what needs to be fixed in his heart. I pray that you will send someone to him to encourage him and show him how much he is worth to you and others. If you have to show him his worth in a dream when he is sleeping do so. Can I be so blase to claim this promise in your name? Not my will dear God but your will be done --- because Broken Machine is awesome and so are you. My simple words in Jesus name. Amen

 

[broken mach1ne]

Endure proves a good point: if I wanted death so much why am I still here and replying to these petty posts? There are still things I enjoy in life but most of them are out of reach. I enjoy working with people who feel the same way I do about things and creating things like movies and games but they're both out of reach. As is the girl I've always yearned over since 6th grade. I'm very attracted to her body but not in a lustful way. Beautiful is really the only word to describe her.

Having these such big dreams and having them so far away brings upon extreme depression. Along with all of this (edit) I'm trying to stay holy in one way or another; to never forget God. I know I bash God a lot on a few of my posts here but I do love him but I still doubt his existence. But when I do believe I never want to forget him because I do believe without him I am nothing. Those have always been my beliefs with him. I have never really ventured into Jesus with fear of the savior taking away a part of my self. I have a sick mind that I actually like which is full of ill thoughts and ideas but gives me a sense of character that I enjoy having.

So what's the method to my madness you ask? I believe I am in dire need of attention. I'm tired of being the shy person I am full of these thoughts that I have never told anyone and am now on the verge of busting out with extreme measures. When I'm not hungry for that attention I'm busy trying to not be the center of it. I want to be alone and locked in my room with my own insane thoughts to comfort my insecure self. I think that's what it's all about.

I'm not suicidal and have only been once where I did attempt to OD on a drug over a girl and something I did involving her. That was the only time and probably won't be the last I believe. I'm a very insecure person and lost in my thoughts. I'm sure that when I'm in my early to mid twenties I'll end up buying a gun and ending it all. It's just the way I am about things. Too much guilt, too much emotion.

 

edited to remove profanity.

 

[AmericanGirl]

This might sound a lil harsh, but I think the first thing you ought to do is end the pity party. Nothing will help you more then forgetting yourself and remembering others.. Jesus said "I came not into this world to be served, but to serve" and what better example is there to follow then our Lords? Sure it'll be forced at first, and you'll feel like a big liar pretending to feel sympathy where none is actually felt, but that will soon change. Especially if you keep your heart and mind focused not on what your problems are hurts are, but what other peoples problems and hurts are.


Jesus first
Yourself last
And others in between

I'll be praying for you!

 

 

"Self pity is the worst thing in the world for a sick soul"

 

[GodOwnsMe]

awwwwwwwwwwwwww wow !!!
hey just know one thing it's not too much it's never too much neither guilt or emotion. Not for God..
I don't know if I can (like ) give you any good advice or anything.

.. I know a bit what you mean about the sick mind sick ideas thing.
Theres stuff I would find extremely hard to ever tell anyone I've thought
about. I don't know if we're the only people with 'weird thoughts' but ha it makes you feel like a freak !!And I was thinking a lot (still do) so I came to a point where I was just feeling real fake and stuff.
what I'm on about..
this is not what life is really about. Not that girl, or your dreams, you enjoying your character or whatever...
if you're searching for any sense there's really just one place and that's God !! wow.. I dunno where I'd have ended up..
to me it's all kinda complicated.. so many thoughts I've had, things I've heard.. in the past I've just really been carried and guided thru everything.
Things are making sense.
When God changed my life there were like a million thoughts in my head I wrote some stuff down... it was just like God showing me the world with his eyes and a bit of a clue what life's about.
Like maybe a month before (this).. can't remember exactly.. there was a worship night at church and I was really down because of some things... it's the same stuff that still seems to have the power to get me so confused and away from God by times but I know there is nothing in this world that could ever divide me from his love. I know I'll/ WE'll be over it

maybe you know that song I lift my eyes up to the mountains ?
it goes oh how I need you Lord you are my only hope, you're my only prayer, so I will wait for you to come and rescue me, come and give me life.

what I meant by life when I sang that was about the same stuff as you...
what I got was something so way more awesome.. there is one way to rock this life and that's doing it with Jesus/God !!
God answered my outcry for life he'll so answer yours !!!!

there are so many things I could be telling you.. if you can just ask God, trust him he'll give you the answers you need.
There is an extremely cool plan for all of our lives... and it's all about God cause he invented and created life, he has a purpose for everyone of us,
and Jesus is life..

it's the worst for me whe I think I couldn't be forgiven or anything but
the guilt is no problem you'll be forgiven when you just ask for it.
God will change your heart and life if you ask him and there is no way you're emotions could ever be too much for Him to handle.

God's love is over all that and so way better than attention or anything else in this world.... *BIG HUGS* I know it's so hard to see thru everything..
just keep trusting God loves you and will carry you out there..

God Bless you have a good day, I love you bro !!!!! so glad you're not suicidal !!!!!!!!!!!!! keep it going and remember there's Jesus at the end of the tunnel... if you feel like talking anytime, I'll be praying *hugs*
its great to just have you

 

[broken mach1ne]

Originally posted by AmericanGirl
This might sound a lil harsh, but I think the first thing you ought to do is end the pity party.

Actually the first thing I'll end is replying to these posts. These boards have done nothing for me except add an ego. I love pitying myself and what's wrong with that? Why (edit) should I care about other people? Other people's business is NOT mine. My own business IS MY own. Screw people, I told you all before how much I hate them. Do you really think I'll just turn my act around and just start loving them? Why? Why on Earth would I ever want to love a person for no apparent reason?

I'm starting to see there are a lot of stupid people in the world and I'm probably among them but who cares? Life is a joke. Life is meaningless. I wish I was never born. I hate life as do I hate this (edit) website.

 

edited to remove profanity.

 

[Rising_Suns]

Originally posted by AmericanGirl
This might sound a lil harsh, but I think the first thing you ought to do is end the pity party. Nothing will help you more then forgetting yourself and remembering others.. Jesus said "I came not into this world to be served, but to serve" and what better example is there to follow then our Lords? Sure it'll be forced at first, and you'll feel like a big liar pretending to feel sympathy where none is actually felt, but that will soon change. Especially if you keep your heart and mind focused not on what your problems are hurts are, but what other peoples problems and hurts are.


Jesus first
Yourself last
and others in between

I'll be praying for you! 
 

"Self pity is the worst thing in the world for a sick soul"

This is excellent advice.

 

 

 

 

 

MODERATOR NOTE: This thread has been closed because broken machine has received far more than enough advice to begin dealing with his problems.  His growing anger makes it clear to me that to leave this post open would prove detrimental to the purpose of CF. 

Dewjunkie