Alimony or What?

[trumpetgirl1]

My story is very long so I'm going to try and condense it. I found out that my husband had a pornography problem over a year ago. We have been married over 5. He doesn't want to give up the porn(among other things) even though he knows that I wont go back to him if he doesn't.(We are seperated on the virge of divorce) Well recently the time has come where he has to respond to the papers pertaining to child support and alimony. He told me that if I wanted this marriage to work and not end up in a horrible divorce where we hated each other I should drop the alimony. He's ok wih child support but not supporting me. I have been living with my Dad for 2 months and all my husband has been paying for is my car payment and health insurance. I have a job as a caretaker where I make 700 a month because I'm trying to finish school and I was relying on my husband for support. You see my husband just got a job where he makes about 20,000 more a year so he's really living it up. He lives in a condo and drives his new Hummer(He bought a Hummer) Now he can't afford to pay alimony because he bought his new 50,000 dollar Hummer. You see I don't know if he really wants the marriage to work or if he just doesn't want to pay the money. He has only seen me and his two girls once in 2 months. It's really hard for me to know if he wants this marriage or wants his bachelor lifestyle? He says he wants his family back and is depressed and is contimplating suicide(He says this all the time). However, don't you think he would be calling me more(maybe once a week if he's not mad at me). I told him that he has to stay in a hotel when he visits because until I know for sure he wants this marriage to work I can stay in the same bed with him. He's very mad that I make him stay in a hotel and says he can't afford it. Yet he can afford to go out and drink with his "new" friends, go to movies, out to eat, and pay for gas. Anyway, I'm looking for advice. I'm really confused and don't know wether to move on or to wait and see if God is going to get a hold of my husband.(He used to be a worship leader)

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Nothing personal... but he shouldn't owe you alimony.
Those days are over for most. You're young and been married a relatively short time. Even in a divorce you couldn't get any of his retirement or those things so I doubt the court would agree with you (not saying you don't have a chance of pleading your case).
You are capable of going out and getting a job. ( that's what I imagine the court would say)
He certainly should support his kids and help with extras with a willing heart.
I don't know the extent of his "addiction" but believe it was a problem
in your marriage. (at least for you) Many men don't think much of having an interest in porn. (regular or occasional) I think it's wrong but am bombarded with images and advertising etc from every media outlet I come across.
Is he a believer? If he is (well the porn problem and the lack of willingness kind of speaks for him - doesn't it?) he should be more accomodating to help.
It's easy to cast doubt on him when we only hear what you've told us but I wonder what the rest of the story is..... It's always easy (even though we know everyone holds some sort of fault in a situation)
to see one party as the offended and one as the offender which may not always be a fair assumption.It's easy for a woman to claim emotional abuse but sometimes hard to prove. You get my point I think. I'm in no way blaming you, just giving another angle in which to disseminate your question.

 

[madison1101]

I did not receive alimony in my divorce or separation. A lot of states do not make it mandatory. Why are you not working? Are your children preschool age? If so, get his child support to be more so you can pay for childcare.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If your husband won't change for the better, and you have good reason for divorce, you should go after everything you can from him. Him threatening you with a messy divorce is called emotional blackmail. Most people consider this as not nice. As your lawyer, make sure its a good one, about it and do what they suggest.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Going for the most doesn't sound like the Christ like thing to do in an already difficult situation. Bad advice in my book.

If your husband won't change for the better, and you have good reason for divorce, you should go after everything you can from him. Him threatening you with a messy divorce is called emotional blackmail. Most people consider this as not nice. As your lawyer, make sure its a good one, about it and do what they suggest.

 

[LINUS___]

Going for the most doesn't sound like the Christ like thing to do in an already difficult situation. Bad advice in my book.

I'm slightly curious too, autumnleaf made the same general comment last week and I called him on it. That particular time we agreed that taking what you were due vs. taking all the court would allow were 2 separate things, and we both agreed on the long term benefits of just taking what was fair. Perchance he meant it the same this time too??? - I'm only offering a posibility based on our previous posts to each other.
But I'm curious too.

 

[trumpetgirl1]

Yes my children are preschool age 1 and 4. Yes I'm working part-time which I did the majority of the time we were married(supported him while he was going to school). I almost have my Masters in music education I have about a month and have to pass a test to get my license and pay off my school account for this term in order to get transcipts to send in for my license. I can get alimony unless he contests it which he did. My question at the time was should I ask for alimony to save my marriage or should I of dropped it. I know though from what my lawyer said that I could of got it if he didn't contest it and it would of only been until we got divorced. I thought I should of got that because I needed some money to help me pay for the rest of my schooling. Sorry if this is rambled. Now he says in his reply that he doesn't even want to pay child support with me having full custody of the children. He also wants me to pay all of his court costs when he makes 70,000 a year and I make 7,000. My lawyer of course says that this wont happen.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

It sounds like he's acting spiteful and childish.
The court will usually determine if alimony is
to be awarded (if it's asked for) but doesn't always
say yes. I'm not an attorney..... but I was under the
assumption that alimony was paid after the divorce
not while you were still legally married.
As far as child support, he probably has no choice
in the matter especially if you are soley responsibile
for the kids. It's a lousy place to be and I'm sorry you
have to deal with this while trying to finish school
and all. I wish you luck on your test and getting your
license.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Men typically make much more money than the women they choose to leave. Women typically end up with the children. Is it really so unreasonable for a wife of a wayard husband to demand all the compensation she can get for her and the children? If so, please correct my errance. Maybe the husband deserves to drive a 50K hummer while the wife and children barely get enough to put food on the table. Correct me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters.

 

[madison1101]

Men typically make much more money than the women they choose to leave. Women typically end up with the children. Is it really so unreasonable for a wife of a wayard husband to demand all the compensation she can get for her and the children? If so, please correct my errance. Maybe the husband deserves to drive a 50K hummer while the wife and children barely get enough to put food on the table. Correct me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters.

Autumnleaf,
Your choice of words has not shown Christian love and charity. The courts should definitely be sure that the wife in this case is adequately compensated for child support, and to complete her education so that she can be financially self-sufficient. It is how you word your posts that creates a feeling that you are not Christian in your attitudes.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

The wife should not be made to go without just to provide for
her children. While you certainly make a case for fairness I
think it's important to be fair too in the pursuit of equality.

If a woman is young enough to work (in this day and age)
she probably will have to. If the man is so selfish that he is
unwilling to support his children then the courts should impose stiffer penalties.
Court is a bad place to be anyway with all
the he said/she said dragging each other through the mud to
try and WIN at all costs. Lying is not uncommon in court either.
We all lose with broken spirits and crushed egos, and many
times a lesser relationship with the Lord.
If she helped him through school (IMO) he still "owes" her for her
graciousness and support.
Unfortunately with the all to common practice of adultery
(an ultimate act of selfishness) a power struggle usally ensues
between the offended partner and the offender which causes
a great deal of the jealousy and hurt that comes along with it.
You mention that the men "leave". That's not been my personal experience.
I tend to side with the offended because that's what I relate to.
I also attempt to temper my speech without casting too
much blame. Both sides are generally guilty of offenses.

Men typically make much more money than the women they choose to leave. Women typically end up with the children. Is it really so unreasonable for a wife of a wayard husband to demand all the compensation she can get for her and the children? If so, please correct my errance. Maybe the husband deserves to drive a 50K hummer while the wife and children barely get enough to put food on the table. Correct me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters.

 

[KJVisTruth]

Yes my children are preschool age 1 and 4. Yes I'm working part-time which I did the majority of the time we were married(supported him while he was going to school). I almost have my Masters in music education I have about a month and have to pass a test to get my license and pay off my school account for this term in order to get transcipts to send in for my license. I can get alimony unless he contests it which he did. My question at the time was should I ask for alimony to save my marriage or should I of dropped it. I know though from what my lawyer said that I could of got it if he didn't contest it and it would of only been until we got divorced. I thought I should of got that because I needed some money to help me pay for the rest of my schooling. Sorry if this is rambled. Now he says in his reply that he doesn't even want to pay child support with me having full custody of the children. He also wants me to pay all of his court costs when he makes 70,000 a year and I make 7,000. My lawyer of course says that this wont happen.

If you can prove you supported him while he was going to school, it will be alot easier to get alimony if he contested it. The judge will see that you get what you deserve. Thats what I have done, I supported him AFTER we were separated cuz that was in the best interests of our children, that he has a college degree and a good paying job as a result. He did contest it when I filed for alimony, breaking the deal we had but it was a cinch cuz I had proof. Hes also refusing to pay child support now, only cuz I have full custody. I was willing to have joint custody, but that was on the condition that he pays support, which he hasnt. They are in the process of suspending his driver's license and his CPA certification, cuz he wouldnt pay. Some jail time is a possibility too. Just hang in there!

 

[KJVisTruth]

Men typically make much more money than the women they choose to leave. Women typically end up with the children. Is it really so unreasonable for a wife of a wayard husband to demand all the compensation she can get for her and the children? If so, please correct my errance. Maybe the husband deserves to drive a 50K hummer while the wife and children barely get enough to put food on the table. Correct me if I'm wrong brothers and sisters.

I do not think you are wrong.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

If you can prove you supported him while he was going to school, it will be alot easier to get alimony if he contested it. The judge will see that you get what you deserve. Thats what I have done, I supported him AFTER we were separated cuz that was in the best interests of our children, that he has a college degree and a good paying job as a result. He did contest it when I filed for alimony, breaking the deal we had but it was a cinch cuz I had proof. Hes also refusing to pay child support now, only cuz I have full custody. I was willing to have joint custody, but that was on the condition that he pays support, which he hasnt. They are in the process of suspending his driver's license and his CPA certification, cuz he wouldnt pay. Some jail time is a possibility too. Just hang in there!

I believe you did the right thing in your situation. I think taking those steps on the offensive are not Christ like. Protecting yourself and the kids is YOUR responsibility as a parent and is reasonable and sober when done in a defensive posture after you've tried to be ammicable.
I think where the disagreement with AutumnLeaf came about was in the spirit and tone of "get all you can" (paraphrase) That's how it came across to me.

 

[madison1101]

I believe you did the right thing in your situation. I think taking those steps on the offensive are not Christ like. Protecting yourself and the kids is YOUR responsibility as a parent and is reasonable and sober when done in a defensive posture after you've tried to be ammicable.
I think where the disagreement with AutumnLeaf came about was in the spirit and tone of "get all you can" (paraphrase) That's how it came across to me.

I got the same impression from Autumnleaf's post as well. Protecting oneself and one's children is different from "Get all you can" mentality.