Age difference in dating

[McScribe]

I wanted to know what the Bible says about age differences between a couple. I am 22 years old and the girl I like is 16. We don't plan on dating 'till she is 18 because her mother doesn't want her dating until then so we will respect her wishes. For some reason our church pastor is very against the idea of us even being friends. I want to do this the right way in the eyes of God because I truly care about her. I wanted to get feedback on what I should say or do. We don't hang out alone either we always hang out in groups and we haven't even held hands or kissed because we are committed to waiting.

I thought the question was about what the Bible says. I'd like to see someone come up with that. I dont find anything, personally. If it were me and one or the other was a child of mine, I would I hope scrutinize as much as I would any other relationship, including family background, friends, how they treat one another, ambitions and so one. Those are the key issues. If there are others, good scrutiny on the part of parents will help with that.

 

[Inkachu]

Age gaps lose their importance as people get older. At THIS point, she's still legally a child, and you're an adult. That makes this a huge NO. Once she's 18 and you're 24, it may be a bit different, but that's still a pretty big gap for two people so young. She'll be fresh out of high school while you'll be looking towards goals you want to accomplish before you hit 30. For your particular age gap (6 yrs) I wouldn't feel comfortable until she was at least 20.

 

[Luther073082]

Age gaps lose their importance as people get older. At THIS point, she's still legally a child, and you're an adult. That makes this a huge NO. Once she's 18 and you're 24, it may be a bit different, but that's still a pretty big gap for two people so young. She'll be fresh out of high school while you'll be looking towards goals you want to accomplish before you hit 30. For your particular age gap (6 yrs) I wouldn't feel comfortable until she was at least 20.

I'd say 22. And that's mainly because at that point you are both likely to be on the same page with your lives.

 

[LinkH]

I wouldn't let my kid date a 22 year old when he's 16. And I wouldn't let them be "friends" either. I would be opposed to him with a 24 year old when he's 18. I could maybe start to be ok with it when he was 22 or older.

And that's my son. Culturally speaking people tend to be more protective over their daughters when it comes to relationships.

There is also the fact that as open and accepting as people claim they are, it is still a little odd for a lot of people to see a couple where the woman is older rather than the man, especially if the age difference is great, or if the man (or boy) is very young. Men being a bit older is a bit more culturally acceptable than vice versa, IMO. If the couple are old enough and the age difference is small, it's no big deal. But a 22 year old girl with a 16 year old boy does look weird from that perspective.

None of my girls are teenagers yet, but the idea of a 22 year old dating one of my girls at 16 alarms me a bit and would probably trigger my protective fatherly instincts. But I realize that part of this cultural condition. There is nothing inherently sinful about a 16 year old marrying. At 16, a girl is typically biologically a woman and able to reproduce. She's probably still growing a little physically and that's a problem. If you are all farmers or hunter gatherer who die young and need to make a lot of babies, there is a case for getting started at 16 or so. Some people think Joseph was around 30 and Mary around 15 or 16 because they say that was the culture back then. There isn't any evidence of specific ages. The Bible doesn't condemn teenage marriages.

For my own kids though, I wouldn't want them marrying or even dating at 16. In this society, I think it's too young to marry. I believe dating or courtship should be reserved for when you are closer in age. Now if I had a daughter who I just knew wasn't going to go to college and she met a godly many who was 24 years old who I knew was committed to biblical marriage sexual purity (not trying to catch some 18 year old pray for temporary satisfaction), and he were a loving, kind decent man who could take care of her, I might not be so opposed to it. I don't know. If a man like this was interested in her when she was 16, and he would be willing to wait and not 'date', maybe I could consider it--that is them looking into marriage after she grew up.

**Here is the thing that is creepy, stew on this for a bit. At 22 you are old enough to have graduated from college. There are people your age with teaching degree's who are out teaching high school right now. You are old enough to be her teacher. You may not be her teacher but you are old enough to be.**

If you wait a while and go to college or grad school, you could have teachers younger than yourself.

If a parent asks themselves why a 22 year old is interested in their 16 year old, very few of the answers they would likely reach could be good.

A young man could be interested in finding a wife, and see qualities in a teenager he is looking for.

I know a guy who is maybe 20 or 21, and he was interested in a 16 year old, but she's pretty, she has one of those amazing singing voices, etc. She looks like she could be older. I can see why he might be interested. But I don't think he pursued it because of the age difference and she may have gotten interested in someone else. That's a concern for a man in that position. She's too young for him to date, but not too young for someone else her age to date in this culture. So if he wants to wait for her to mature a little, he may see that as a reason to express his interests.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I'm curious. Anyone here know who Art Bell is? I think hes crazy personally. Aside from that after his wife died, he at 68 (correct me if I am wrong on his age) went to the Philippines and married a 21 year old. To me something is just not right about that much of a gap.

Even if it was REAL love. What kid of person marries at that age and has kids knowing full well they will die and and leave their wife and kids with nothing really? Seems selfish regardless of if its true love.

 

[Luther073082]

I'm curious. Anyone here know who Art Bell is? I think hes crazy personally. Aside from that after his wife died, he at 68 (correct me if I am wrong on his age) went to the Philippines and married a 21 year old. To me something is just not right about that much of a gap.

Even if it was REAL love. What kid of person marries at that age and has kids knowing full well they will die and and leave their wife and kids with nothing really? Seems selfish regardless of if its true love.

There is a reason we only stopped paying pensions to widows of the civil war in 2003.

The US government promised these pensions for the lifetime of the vets and the lifetime of their spouses. So a lot of the guys who may have been older and lost their first spouse already or never married went ahead and married people who where like 14 years old.

The vet would die a year or 2 later and the girl would have a pension for life.

Thing we have to remember is that marriage has not always been viewed as an institution for romantic love.

I wouldn't want my kids doing something like that, but it doesn't bother me if other people do it as long as they are marrying adults.

 

[Inkachu]

I had a client in here the other day, who was my age (mid 30's) and her husband was seventy six years old. I was speechless... not to mention creeped out. I just... I know that there are reasons... but just... NO.

 

[LinkH]

I met a Christian businessman who is very active in ministry (ordained, too) who looks like he is in his 70s, and his wife looks maybe late 30's or early 40's to me. She could just be young look, but there is a large age gap. He was the president of a large conglomorate at one time, he is friendly, has a very likeable personality, seems very personable and humble. He's accomplished a lot in both business and ministry. I can see how could have attracted a much younger woman. I don't know if he was married before, a widower, or married late, or how long they have been married.

I can understand being creeped out, especially if the one partner is really young when you see them together. But if they are both adults part of me wants to say, "Way to go" to the guy, and nudge him with my elbow for being able to attract a younger woman.

I think it's a cultural thing on our part. In some cultures an age gap is acceptable or even expected. It's not a sinful thing. Isaac was probably 40 or older, and Rebecca was probably a teenager. She was up and about planning and scheming for Jacob while Isaac was old and blind, though. That's a concern. I know when I wanted to marry my wife, who is about three years younger than me, I loved her so I was concerned as to whether I'd be good for her, or would marrying me somehow mess up her life. If you love a woman, you'll think about her and what will happen if you are old when she is young or if you die. I'm not saying it's wrong to marry like that. If the man is older but he has a lot to offer the younger woman, it may be a 'fair' deal to marry. It's possible for an older spouse to really love a younger spouse, too.

I think it's creepy to see an older woman with a really young man. If he's all grown up, I don't want to throw stones over it. I just think why would he want to be with an old woman when he could be with someone his own age. But people have different preferences, needs, and desires.

Morally, I'd be more concerned with two teenagers who turn 18 going off and eloping against their parents' wishes than with an older man marrying a younger woman when the families are consenting and approving. I'm also more concerned about people getting divorced and remarrying contrary to Christ's teaching within their own age bracket than with widowers and people marrying for the first time when the age difference is large. It would be better for an 18 year old to marry a 90 year old than to commit adultery, even if the idea is less appealing on so many levels physically and emotionally.

 

[HermanNeutics13]

I think the older you get the more acceptable of an age gap there is.

 

[dmasz91]

i dont think there's anything creepy at all about. even 16 or 17 is the age of consent in some places, and i would've loved to marry a 30 something yr old at 14! i was 17 when i started talking to my fiance of 43 yrs. and we've been together for 4 years, my mom being against it the whole time. i wouldn't have become a christian if it weren't for my fiancee and since i got kicked out and lived with him, we viewed it as marriage in and of itself....marriage to us as christians consists of consummating, committing before God that we will be together forever, and living together. The only other thing besides age my mom hold against him is that he hasn't gotten a legal divorce yet because he assumed that after 7 yrs of being separated it wud result in automatic divorce. I pushed him to start new paperwork to get it done but the ex wife won't sign the divorce papers the point is...i hope your relationship works out, and i wouldn't let anyone get in the way of your happiness together. even christians can disagree and it's important that you're sure that how you interpret the bible is the true way.