Age Difference and Relationships?

[KeilCoppes]

I recently received an unsolicited mail from someone significantly younger than myself. The upshot of the message was "I'm looking for a committed Christian man to marry, are you him?" Two of her older sisters had married within the last year or so, both to older men (10 years and more older), and were living very happily.

(before adding more background, no sweeping generalizations are intended by the author, so no flames, please. And please don't flame her, she expressed her own experience in a non-Christian world, meaning well. :^) )

It seemed that among those she had met in their early twenties tended to be irresponsible, always wanting to do what was in style and what they called cool, rather than what God wanted. She was more interested in someone stable and with a good head on their shoulders and a little older than someone young and worldly.


So this is my first poll: How much do you think age differences should factor into relationships and marriage? What do you see as the wise boundaries?


(not that I am pursuing this, but my curiosity is roused on the topic. :^) )

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"And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful" Col 3:15

 

[catch22]

wow....a suprisingly relevant thread for me. I say love is the major issue, not age. Now of course I would be a bit skeptical of say....a twenty year age difference, but hey, who can put limits on true love except for God himself? With regards to my specific situation, the girl whom I am hopelessly in "like" with ( the quotes are there for a reason), is three and a half years younger than me. However, herein lies the perceived problem....I'm nearly twenty one. I don't see it as a problem per se, but others involved in the situaion do, and so apparently I have to wait until she's older...or at least thats the vibe that I'm getting now. I can be patient though. I "like" her enough to wait for her. So, back to the original idea of the post, age doesn't matter nearly as much as the love involved.

 

[rwl]

There are a ton of variables involved in questions like these. So it's a very open ended question.

That said, I feel a persons feelings are very much the strong point of any relationship. Age plays a factor as do looks, commonalities... yadda yadda yadda . This is for anyone over 21 in my humble opinion.

I say 21 only because prior to that we change who we are about as much as we change our underwear. I'm not trying to be an ageist, I get enough myself, but I feel that once a person has a good head on their shoulders then age becomes much less of a factor. And person(s) under 21 generally are still learning about themselves.

 

[KeilCoppes]

Thanks for the note - "Ageist" is a new one on me. Just when you think they couldn't invent a new label for recognizing distinctions!


-------
:banned:
Next thing you know they'll be saying you can't get older!
If they could enforce it I'd be doomed to my foolishness forever!

"Experience is what allows you to make new mistakes rather than old ones..."
Thank the Lord for forgiveness!

 

[catch22]

I didn't really change much from when I was 18 to when I was twenty. I just became more responsible, more ambitious, more realistic, more humbled, and more loving. other than that, I'm still the same person

 

[rwl]

Thanks for the note - "Ageist" is a new one on me. Just when you think they couldn't invent a new label for recognizing distinctions!

Heh an old college professor I had used to use it alot. His primary study was in ageism.

Great class.

Among other things he used to talk about how "Youth is wasted on the young", "...how easily we forget the older we are" and how "Age doesn't mean some ones correct or smarter, just that they've lived a little longer" (please no debates on experience)

 

[KeilCoppes]

(getting side-tracked from the main topic)

On the other hand, how many older people do you see on television these days? The term may have some merit (though I'm not a huge label fan unless it lets me compress an hour of talk into a word). :^)

When visual media started, most of the folks were stage actors or vaudevillians - Sinatra, Bob Hope, Bing Crosby, Red Skelton, etc, and many of the actors - John Wayne et al. were older. We get some older actors today, but there doesn't seem to be all that many on TV. Seems young and beautiful / handsome is the norm or middle-aged / distinguished. Hardly any old people (almost entirely absent). I may be wrong, but even "reality" TV doesn't seem to echo much of the people I see on the streets. There are some parts of reality I don't want to see regularly (rape, adultery, murder, etc), but I think our view of the world is probably getting skewed.

-kc

 

[rwl]

Keil,

To keep on topic you can PM me for any further questions or comments about ageism/agiest. However it is a very real thing and you touched on one area that can be argued in depth. Agism is very real and a problem we in society face. One often overlooked since it's accepted. It is however a two way street. Youg ->old and old ->young.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Hmmmm....good question. I think it really depends on the people involved. Some people don't have a problem with age differences, some do. I would like to say that age doesn't matter, only love does. And to some extent, that is true. Alot of it depends on the person. Some 25 year olds that I have met are more mature than 40 year olds that I have met.

For me personally, I feel uncomfortable with a large age span, going in either direction, that is either younger or older. However, I would be more apt to date someone older than me than younger than me though. For me a large age span would be 5 years or more. I think once you get beyond that, your points of reference start changing. My sister is 7 years younger than me, and her and her friends are a different generation than mine. I am not saying that it shouldn't and doesn't work, but this is just my pesonal preference.

I think though that you see society accepts a couple with an older man and younger female more so than the other way around.

 

[Stanfi]

I think it should be within 5 years. My personal experience is that if you go more than that, there there is considerable differences in majurity, ambitions, goals, activites. I just think we are more compatible with people closer to our own age. I think it is odd if I tell someone about something, and the only reason they know what I am talking about is because they studied it in history class!That's just my opinion.

 

[charligirl]

I think this depends hugely on the individuals. I am an only child who was brought up very muchin an adult world, when I was 16 most of my friends were in the 18-25 age bracket and I had a few dates with a 23 year old. When I was 21 my boyfriend was 28. The man I married is 12 years older than me. My Mother told me afterwards that she always thought I would end up marrying an older man.

I know of quite a few relationships where the agegap is 12-16 years (with the man being older) I think it does depend on the people involved... and whether there is some deeper issue for the age gap, for example, some girls might date older men because they are looking for a father figure, which could be an issue.
I come from a loving secure family where I have a great relationship with both parents so that's not an issue for me.

 

[Stanfi]

I think also a concern would be that if you marry someone a lot older that you that they would more than likely die before you. Thus, leaving you to spend a good part of your later life on earth without them.

 

[msjones21]

I've been in two relationships with men significantly older than I am. Both were 16 years my senior. The last relationship I was in I was 22 and my boyfriend was 38. We ended up parting ways because the relationship wasn't going anywhere. He was content with me coming down to Midtown (downtown Atlanta) every Friday night, we'd catch a movie at the drive-in, go eat at Wendy's, and then I'd spend the night and leave Saturday morning before he went to work. It was the same routine for three months. We'd talk online every now and then and he'd rarely ever call me and if I called he wouldn't be home. So where did the problem lie? He was content with spending his days alone with his cat watching the sports channels. He had reached an age in his life where he had no desire to have a family. He would be happy staying single forever. I am still young enough to just be starting a family whereas he had passed that point in his life.

Then again, I think it all has to do with age. A 16 year age difference doesn't mean much when a person is 72 and their spouse is 66. Just like the 16 year age difference caused a setback in my relationship with that one guy we still had fun together but a 16 year old with a 32 year old would just be plain sick. Just for the sake of the poll I chose 5 years. That's a good standard although it will vary from couple to couple.

 

[LightHearted]

Then again, I think it all has to do with age. A 16 year age difference doesn't mean much when a person is 72 and their spouse is 66. Just like the 16 year age difference caused a setback in my relationship with that one guy we still had fun together but a 16 year old with a 32 year old would just be plain sick. Just for the sake of the poll I chose 5 years. That's a good standard although it will vary from couple to couple.

I agree completely with that. I voted for a ten year or less age difference. My parents are 59 and 52. 7 year difference. I think that they are extremely compatible. I don't think that a 14 year old would make a good match with a 21 year old, however. They would be at two different points in their lives.

That's the biggest factor, I think. Where each person is at in life. I strive to meet someone relatively close to my age, that is set in their profession, and completely takes care of their self.

 

[Onwardclimb]

I voted for the first one. Age is VERY important to me, and a disqualifier. I will NOT date/marry anyone over 2-3 years older than me, nor will I date/marry anyone younger than me. Unless, I have a Jonah experience.

 

[Super Gnat]

It depends. The actual ages may give more of a clue to how well-advised the match is than their relative ages. A twenty year age difference is probably too much if you're talking 18 and 38, but it's not quite as bad if you're talking 30 and 50. And of course, the situation always depends on the people involved. For instance, I'm really not the sort to date too far outside my age range. But OTOH, one of my lab partners last semester has always dated older guys. She's 21 and married to a guy who's 30-something, and they seem happy enough. It all depends on the people.

 

[KeilCoppes]

I voted for the first one. Age is VERY important to me, and a disqualifier. I will NOT date/marry anyone over 2-3 years older than me, nor will I date/marry anyone younger than me. Unless, I have a Jonah experience.

Hopefully a Jonah experience doesn't involve being swallowed bodily by a huge fish and coughed up somewhere in the middle East!

-kc

ps - Ok, so whales aren't fish!

 

[Glenn316]

My wife and I are 7 years apart, and I find that there are some things, TV shows mostly, that she knows nothing about. Having shared experiences to talk about is important. for example, If I say "Fibber McGee's closet", My wife never heard of it. (it's from an old radio show)

 

[Onwardclimb]

Hopefully a Jonah experience doesn't involve being swallowed bodily by a huge fish and coughed up somewhere in the middle East!

-kc

ps - Ok, so whales aren't fish!

ROFLOL!!!!!!!!!

YSIC,
Onwardclimb

 

[Echoes Peak]

Hopefully a Jonah experience doesn't involve being swallowed bodily by a huge fish and coughed up somewhere in the middle East!

-kc

ps - Ok, so whales aren't fish!

Yeah, but it'd definitely be one "whale" of a story. See...I was in a whale that was THIS big....

Alright, horrible jokes aside, I think I personally, would not go beyond 10 years difference. Actually, at this point, I woul be hard press to go over 5 years difference. I dated someone who was significantly older than me, and that relationship crashed for several reasons and age was a factor.
However, I am willing to recognize that for some individuals age is not an issue. But I think its important to note, what age the parties are when they start their relationship. There is a difference, for most people, at being 18 an pursuing a relationship with a 33 year old and being 30 and dating a 40 year old.