After the signals

[Macrina]

Okay, we've talked about receiving signals, being clueless about signals, giving signals, defining signals... but what I'm curious about is how we all react after something has been brought out into the open.

Situation A: The individual hasn't explicitly said "hey, I dig you" but from all the blushing, smiling, winking, and what-have-you, you're quite convinced they're into you. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

Situation B: The individual just tells you how he/she feels. There it is, out in the open, no running from it. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

 

[Willtor]

Situation A: If I am interested in her, and if a relationship is feasible, I'd say, "Hussa ti woh maga." If that didn't work, I'd tell her I was interested in her in a more comprehensible way: "Me Willtor. Me picked these for you."

Situation B: If I were interested, I'd probably do much the same. If I weren't interested, I'd say, "Are you nuts?! Seriously, you need to raise your standards. Why, I'm not sure I'd date a person who would have me as a boyfriend."

Actually, I don't know what I'd do in either case. In the case where she tells me, and I'm not interested, I'm trying to come up with a way not to hurt her feelings. Really, I'd hate to lose a friend. That's not cool. But all the ways I can think of "letting someone down easy," are also cliches people use to blow people off.

If I were interested in either case, I don't know. I'm trying to conceptualize an appropriate dating process. In the end, I just don't have a good handle on what it looks like and what purpose it serves besides giving people warning that there is the potential of taking the relationship further.

 

[Macrina]

Willtor, you crack me up.


But on a serious note, it's the "losing a friend" aspect that disturbs me. I mean, things are never the same after "that" conversation. How could they be?

 

[Deliberatetourist]

Okay, we've talked about receiving signals, being clueless about signals, giving signals, defining signals... but what I'm curious about is how we all react after something has been brought out into the open.

Situation A: The individual hasn't explicitly said "hey, I dig you" but from all the blushing, smiling, winking, and what-have-you, you're quite convinced they're into you. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

Situation B: The individual just tells you how he/she feels. There it is, out in the open, no running from it. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

In my experience once the line has been crossed by either party it's hard to remain "friends" as defined by the relationship up to this point. I have always said "friends don't date other friends". You have to realize that when 2 people move their friendship in to the realm of intimacy they are upping the ante and as such are opening themselves up to one of two possibilities - an enhanced experience for both of them, or the subsequent destruction of the relationship they once had. It gets more complicated when you more deeply connect with someone on such terms and there are finer lines between the balancing forces in your relationship.

 

[Willtor]

Willtor, you crack me up.

But on a serious note, it's the "losing a friend" aspect that disturbs me. I mean, things are never the same after "that" conversation. How could they be?

Yeah. It's for chumps.

I think, in some way, even though I can't understand the nature of dating, the suggestion of it fundamentally changes the relationship. I suppose it's the fact that both their feelings are out in the open, and it is clear that their feelings are incompatible. There are always the thoughts, "Is (s)he going to act weird around me?" and "I hope (s)he doesn't ask me, again." From the other side, "Is what I'm doing, now, the reason (s)he doesn't like me that way?" and, "(S)He is still hanging out with me. Maybe I still have a chance." I suppose I'd try to alter the notions that lead to these statements.

There has to be a way back from this. If breaking up, or even the suggestion of dating is a relationship killer, it's hard for me to imagine this is conducive to a healthy Church.

 

[Macrina]

I've never had the nerve to just up and tell a guy that I liked him.

There was a guy once who pretty much knew, though -- I'm pretty sure a mutual friend told him. He just dropped some comments about what great "buds" we were and I got the message. We stayed friends, but eventually drifted apart when we moved to different parts of the country.

There was another guy who got up the nerve to actually tell me outright how he felt... we talked it out and managed to stay friends. I even officiated at his wedding. But there will always be a part of me that looks back to that conversation and wishes I had handled it with more grace and sensitivity. And I do wonder if I had led him on -- sent signals I didn't mean to send.

But you don't always get to stay friends with the person. I've had that happen, too, where I was just "weirded out" by someone having a crush on me, and the friendship was never the same. I'd like to think I'm more mature than that, now, but I don't have anyone crushing on me so I can't test it out.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

Oh hey do not say nobody is crushing on ya.. you never know..



dang my spelling sucks!

 

[Macrina]

Oh hey do not say nobody is crushing on ya.. you never know..

Oh, pfft. I only wish. I think if there's going to be any crushing happening, I'll just have to do it myself.

 

[~HopeFloats~]

Really what is more fun.. having a crush or being crushed...

 

[Macrina]

Really what is more fun.. having a crush or being crushed...

The two are only fun when they wind up coinciding, IMHO.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

There has to be a way back from this. If breaking up, or even the suggestion of dating is a relationship killer, it's hard for me to imagine this is conducive to a healthy Church.

It's just a fact of relationship dynamics. Lots of things go on that aren't conducive to a healthy Church (ie. debates that cause tumultuos division such as "if it is a sin to consume wine?", or "is it appropriate for women to wear jeans?). They problem is that due to society's headlong fall in to moral oblivion the Church is often the bastion of last hope for those that have suffered this trend. To people who are looking tothe Church as a means of romantic fulfillment this is an unavoidable pitfall. I don't go to Church for any particular extenuating circumstance or the resolution thereof. I simply go just to go and now I feel a whole lot better about myself and my place in Church because there isn't the if/then clause that results in disallusionment if things dont pan out the way I had hoped.

 

[Eric10]

Willtor, you crack me up.


But on a serious note, it's the "losing a friend" aspect that disturbs me. I mean, things are never the same after "that" conversation. How could they be?

I really hate when people say that.

I have the biggest crush on one of my best friends...

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Not to discourage anyone, but here is my humbling experience: There was a 47 yr old guy in my single's group. We had spoken a few times and then I caught him looking at me several times. He stopped coming to the singles events so I asked the pastor if he knew if he was still available. The pastor ended up telling him someone was interested in him. He ended up giving me his email and I told him I was the one who wanted to get to know him. He told me that he wasn't interested because he was usually attracted to a more "athletic" type.
I'm glad I know, but I will never go about it that way again. Now, I have a bf who is very appreciative of my looks, but I might not have given him a chance if I was still thinking there was some possibility with the guy from my single's group.

 

[ArJay81]

. . . Situation A: The individual hasn't explicitly said "hey, I dig you" but from all the blushing, smiling, winking, and what-have-you, you're quite convinced they're into you. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

I usually get thick-tongued and stupid when I find out someone's into me.

Then I try to figure out why and what to do about it. In other words, I pretty much do nothing.

I fall to what others here have called the cliche of saying 'let's stay friends, blah blah blah' when someone's into me that I'm not interested in. I haven't figured out a good way to say I'm not interested.

Situation B: The individual just tells you how he/she feels. There it is, out in the open, no running from it. What do you do if you're interested in them? What do you do if you're not interested in them?

If I'm interested, and I don't fall over from shock, I'll say something brilliant like 'let's grab a coffee' or something equally mindless.

If I'm not interested, well, I'll probably say something like 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' which in a way is true.