After the attempt

[GreyWolf]

Hello to all. I'm sorry I haven't been hanging around here so much giving support. Things have been kind of crazy.

I am now coming out of a very bad depression. My meds were not working and then I ran out of them and didn't tell the doctor. I was only without them for a few days, but I was already in crisis at the time. It was one of the worst if not the worst depression I have ever been in, and I am just coming out of it now. The doctor upped my meds and they are helping.

But its scary. I attempted suicide on Friday. When I did it I completely wanted to die. Obviously I won't get into what I did or why it didn't work but my doctor and therapist know and are taking steps to keep me safe. Right now, I am just OVERJOYED it didn't work. It scares me to walk around thinking that I might not be here and how much my family and friends could be hurting at this moment. It is amazing what just a few days with the right dose of medicine can do. I am stil very scared and shaken up. I want to live, and I am afraid of having more suicidal thoughts.

I had been telling everyone I was no longer a Christian, that I hated God and wanted to go to Hell rather than serve Him. I really upset my Christian friends when I said that. I am trying to find my way back to God right now in the midst of confusion and shame. If anyone is willing to talk to me about how I can reconcile with Jesus I would appreciate it, maybe someone who's been through the same thing. Please pm me. I feel so completely helpless, both in my faith and in my life. Has anyone ever felt that way?
I know this is not a Christian board but if anyone is willing to discuss it please pm me. Has anyone else had a situation when their chemical imbalance effected how they viewed God?

Anyway, I am shaken up. And still depressed, still feeling down, like staying in bed all the time and just crying...but it is nothing like before. I can't believe I almost threw my life away. It's really scary. At the time I tried to call five friends and no one was home then called a suicide hotline but it was busy!! I should have called another one, but I just got overwhelmed.

I am asking everyone who reads this and who believes in God or a higher power to please pray for me.

Thanks and I hate being bipolar.......I hope this medicine keeps working but I'm grateful for my counselor (she was on vacation when this happened) and my friends. I don't know what I'd do without them.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I appreciate it, and will try to be here more often and be there for more of you.

 

[lmarie23]

Greywolf, I'm so sorry to hear about your attempt. I'm so glad that you are ok. I've never actually attempted but I've come close a few times, and it is scary to think about. I'm glad you are seeing a counselor and have friends to support you, that is great. I'm so grateful to my friends and counselor as well.

I wish I had the right words to say to encourage you and have things make sense, but I don't, sorry. How can you reconcile with Jesus? Well, since salvation isn't something you earn, all you need to do is go to Jesus and ask for forgiveness... assuming you're a Christian already. Have you asked Jesus into your heart?

That's a good question, about your chemical imbalance affecting your perception of God. For me, I would say yes, it has. Well, I'm bipolar/borderline personality disorder. I also hear voices, which I'm not sure are related to my mental illness or are spiritual voices (i.e., the Holy Spirit, demons, etc). Like often when I pray I hear a voice telling me, "I love you. I love you so much I sent My Son to die for you." And I think this voice is the Holy Spirit but i don't know, it could just be a voice in my head, i'm not sure. And sometimes I base my perception of God on my reaction to this voice, when I don't even know if this voice is of God. Plus since i have BPD, I see things in black and white, and that affects my relationship with the Lord and people. And since I struggle with depression I often struggle with the problem of evil, which also affects my relationship with the Lord.

I will pray for you. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more.

Lynne

 

[Pats]

Has anyone ever felt that way?
I know this is not a Christian board but if anyone is willing to discuss it please pm me. Has anyone else had a situation when their chemical imbalance effected how they viewed God?

My heart goes out to you, GreyWolf. I attempted once, myself. I've also had some major moments when my BP got me very tangled up, spiritually. I'm on my way to bed just now. But I'd be very happy to discuss it further in this thread or by PM later.

 

[berry2000]

Hello Greywolf,

Wow sounds like you've had quite a ride these past few weeks. I am so glad you have found us and you are still here with us. Bipolar can be an ugly beast.

Actually even though this is in the "Everyone" section it's still a christian board and we are free to discuss God anytime.

For me when I get depressed part of the chemical side of it is that i totally feel like God isn't there. I know mentally that he is but emotionaly i feel abandoned. It's at those time i cannot trust my mind and I have to claim the promises in the Bible. They don't change when the chemicals in my body do.

Hope this helps some, and glad to meet you.

Sorry it took so long to respond, i'm in a bit of a depression myself, infact this is one of the first posts i've made in days.

 

[goldenrule]

Sorry about your depression Greywolf.I personally had been dealing with a major issue eversince I was around 13, eventually I discovered Classical Music which was 'my rock'. I lost touch with the world because it was too painful and focused all my attention on what made me feel good, music. All my pains were forgotten, numbed; I stopped paying attention in school and created my own personal reality. I didn't realize at that time I was creating what would become Severe Mania. I lost much of my mental clarity due to years refusing to take my medicine. One time, I felt God was against me and when I read the Sermon on the Mount, it seemed as though Christ was teaching how to be exactly what I wasn't! I felt completely forsaken and attempted suicide. I should never have distracted myself from my problems but instead, talked about them with a professional. Now I must take medicine the rest of my life.

 

[MrHollow]

Sorry to hear about this. I feel for you, as I have been in the exact same situation. Thankfully, a great doctor worked on me at the hospital and I did not die. The only major thing I would like to say, is that you now need to be very much on the lookout. Now that you have crossed that line, it is not so scary when you start getting depressed again. Have someone around you that can call your Dr., or find some other way of setting up a saftey net so that you don't ever get that far again.