After kids the body changes. How to handle this?

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Hi folks,

A friend of mine told me he is not as attracted to his wife after having kids because [edited for content]her body seemed to change so drastically it was shocking. He says he was sexually attracted to her body before but is visually un-stimulated now and not sure how to handle feeling less attracted. I am not sure what to tell him because I am "visual" myself. Any suggestions on what this guy can do? Should his wife do anything as well?

 

[selune]

Boy, I'd tread carefully with this one. I can think of few things that would devestate me more than having my beloved tell me that he now finds me unattractive after having 4 kids with him. We added it up recently, and found that of the 10 years we've been married, I've either been pregnant or nursing for 5 1/4 of them! Talk about a toll on the body. I do a jazzercise for about 1/2 to 1 hour a day plus 75+ situps and I'm still suffering the baby "damage" done to my body from the initial C-section and 3 natural births.

I thank God every day that my husband loves me even though I don't have my 19 year old body any longer. He tells me that he still cherishes me and he proves it as well. Whenever I get down about my image, he reminds me that we are 4 times as blessed as we were when we started, and that he only worries about my shape if it is a health matter, because he is as responsible for my body changes as I am! That being said, I am trying to get into better shape (if nothing else, but to keep up with the little monkeys running around our house!)

 

[peterc]

Spock, your friend sounds like a self-centered weasel and needs to be set straight. what he needs to do is think about himself a little less and his wife and family a little more. He has just been given a second blessing, his wife obviously the first. He needs to realize that he is partly responsible for her physique. Having kids is very taxing on women's bodies.
When parenting becomes a bit easier for her she will probably try to exercise more but she should not be guilted into it. maybe your weasel friend could do a bit more for her so she could exercise if she wishes, she is probably very tired.
We are lucky that women will even have kids given the stresses it can create on a woman's body.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Spock, your friend sounds like a self-centered ..blah, blah..blah.

He is a very nice person and was afraid to post because of comments like this. No need for name calling. If you can't maturely post to a question then maybe don't post.

" That being said, I am trying to get into better shape (if nothing else, but to keep up with the little monkeys running around our house!)" - selune

This is something he can use. Maybe I can suggest he get her into his exercise routine. I don't think she exercises at all. Thanks selune! O and I know, (and hopefully he does) suggest he not blert anything out, maybe ease her into it.

 

[selune]

make sure he's very gentle with this. Honestly my favorite exercise is a dancing game on playstation 2 called DDR max, you kinda forget you're burning calories. Plus 2 can go at a time with 2 mats. Kind of pricy if just starting out, but if they have the game system...

again, tell him to make sure she knows she's cherished by him and that he loves her no matter what. Even if she starts exercising, it seems to take FOREVER for any effect to be noticed *sigh*

And, what if the exercising doesn't do all he wants? Everyone changes over time, how would he feel if roles were reversed. As I said the first time, dangerous ground to tread.

 

[Ruthie]

I believe that Selune said it very well - if he chose to have children with her, then he is equally responsible for how she looks (please forgive the paraphrasing).

So maybe, rather than complain about it, he could talk to his wife about whether she would like to get out together to do some exercise (maybe dancing or the gym together or simply walking each day for a short time) and then organise it, babysitter and all (I didn't say suggest it and get his wife to organsie - that would be the last thing a mother of toddlers needs, another thing to organise), because I can almost guarantee his body isn't in the same shape it was when they got married either, and he probably hasn't even taken the time to look in the mirror and see.

Spock, I believe the guy needs to appraise how they both have changed, that those changes happen in life over time (look at any average couple their age - not the supermodels in the magazines) and work on doing something to be the healthiest they can be for their age (with his wife, not telling her she needs to do something, but suggesting they do something together for health reasons and not for asthetics).

 

[selune]

yeah, the supermodel moms can afford a personal trainer and any body enhancing surgery should they desire...

 

[karla]

Honestly, I'd tell him to get over it. As women, especially after birth, know that we are looking all that appealing, even if we are, and having the man that we love more than anything point it out to us will only make it worse. He should love his wife for who she is not what she looks like. Lord forbid she was in an accident and was really disfigured, what would he do then. I am not saying that she should let herself go, as women we have to make ourselves attractive for our husband, but body changes after childbirth is a fact of life. I can't fit into those size 4 jeans and you really won't see me wearing a bikini, but my hubby still finds me attractive and apprecaites me and my body the way that it is. I'd tell your friend to get over himself and that a little candle light makes everything look better.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

I believe that Selune said it very well - if he chose to have children with her, then he is equally responsible for how she looks (please forgive the paraphrasing).

So maybe, rather than complain about it, he could talk to his wife about whether she would like to get out together to do some exercise (maybe dancing or the gym together or simply walking each day for a short time) and then organise it, babysitter and all (I didn't say suggest it and get his wife to organsie - that would be the last thing a mother of toddlers needs, another thing to organise), because I can almost guarantee his body isn't in the same shape it was when they got married either, and he probably hasn't even taken the time to look in the mirror and see.

Spock, I believe the guy needs to appraise how they both have changed, that those changes happen in life over time (look at any average couple their age - not the supermodels in the magazines) and work on doing something to be the healthiest they can be for their age (with his wife, not telling her she needs to do something, but suggesting they do something together for health reasons and not for asthetics).

More excellent advice. He is a pretty muscular guy and actually looks better than when they got married. She is very pretty with make-up on but you can tell she is definitely showing the effects of the children. Him being a "hard-body," they don't exactly look like they would be dating if they were single. Again, this is an aside from the natural love people have I know. Not exactly a "prized" christian topic. Aside from the scolding, name-calling, hissing and "spiting," I am expecting, I appreciate you all opening up and giving helpful suggestions. This again I know is an unpopular christian topic under "How dare he even mention! The gull!!!" lol. Thanks for your input. It is amazing sometimes that christians can be so hateful on some topics yet judge everyone else for being mean and hatefull?

"Honestly, I'd tell him to get over it."

 

[Ruthie]

Now for the cautionary tale of what may happen to their marriage if he focusses entirely on body image, rather than the woman she is.

That tale is my marriage - When we married I was a svelte 48kg. Before marrying I walked everywhere, ran up and down three flights of steps every day several times a day, rode my horse daily and occasionally did aerobics.

We married and were on a very tight budget, my horse got sold (some time before), my environment changed so that I didn't have the stairs to contend with, but I still walked.

Then baby no.1 came along. He wasn't well. I was too busy walking the floor to walk anywhere else, and too exhausted. Baby no. 2 was better, but we were too flat broke to do much. I would walk the 15mins to the shops and back every day, and between two toddlers, that was all I could fit in.

My husband had an affair when I was pregnant with first child, and number of cyber affairs during pregnancy of child two (didn't find out until child two was born). He told me that he didn't want children and only had them for me (after child two was born) and he got a vasectomy without talking about it. Then he really started looking seriously at internet porn (because they had the body he liked). I was now about 20kg heavier than I was when we got married, making me a size 12 (wow, that's huge) rather than an 8 - 10 in teenybopper style clothing.

After catching him several times with porn, and finally finding a letter he'd written to another woman on our computer I packed up the children and left.

My husband went to see our pastor and discussed everything. I prayed hard. God told me to come home, so I did. Things weren't great. He still struggled with porn, but he was willing to work on it together to change how he viewed things. As far as I know, he has not viewed porn since October 2002.

What this has done to our marriage - it's a wreck! I don't trust my husband to not go back there (mainly because he doesn't understand that I need him to be trustworthy in all areas to build that trust back up again). I don't trust my own intuition where he is concerned (because for so very long I had no idea any of that was going on). I still hear the cruel things he said during that time: about not wanting children; about how flabby I was looking; that I was pretty, but I'd never be beautiful (one of the cruelest things I think my husband could ever have said, because I know I'm not beautiful but I would have liked to be in the eyes of the man I loved).

Spock, I know your friend may never go down the road of porn/affairs etc. I pray he doesn't. However, by comparing his wife to what his idyll is he is putting himself in the way of temptation rather than loving her for the beautiful woman she is and for the fact that she has suffered to have his children. I would loathe to see another marriage ruined over a simple change of focus from worldly idyll's to what God calls each of us to and he calls husbands to love their wife as Christ loves the church. I'm sure, given that focus and approaching his wife's body with that in mind (and even the idea of exercise for his wife with that in mind) your friend will discover that attraction again, and maybe have some fun with his wife doing so (fun is always attractive).

 

[mle]

I hope my husband doesn't feel this way about me! Actually I know he doesn't. If beauty were skin deep marriage would be limmited mostly to Hollywood actors and actresses, models and the like. It takes a long time to get in shape after having a baby and for most of us we will never look like we did before we got pregnant. After nursing and strech marks take their toll, if we can lose those extra pounds we accumulate during pregnancy we are very blessed indeed. I am stuggling with the weight I gained during pregnancy and sometimes it can be so depressing. Many women have "baby blues" after child birth, another reason for eating. I am so glad my husband loves me so much he would never be critical of the extra weight. He is supportive and loving. I think your friend should give his wife as much time as she needs to work on herself in the way she feels comfortable doing. Lets go easy on the moms, okay guys!

 

[katelyn]

If he wants to help her get in shape, he should address it in a way that will be enjoyable for her and not hurt her feelings. For example, he could ask her to go on a morning walk with him or buy dance lessons as a gift. And if diet is a problem he could bring it up as getting the family to eat better, and maybe buy a cookbook of healthy recipes. Even take her to the bookstore and let her pick one out.

 

[Jenna]

*shrugs* I'm baised. I'd say that if she can manage to look at herself and be alright with it (which most women are not), then he can learn too. We don't all stay beautifully toned and gorgeous. I know that if I were a guy, I wouldn't want to deal with insecurity about getting older, thinking that my wife might think me ugly when my hair falls out, my waitst line thickens, my eyes get droopy, and my teeth can sit in a glass at night. That is the kind of insecurity that women face when they become pregnant and wonder if for all they want to do and give for their spouse, they might not be as beautiful in their eyes afterward. I've seen the eye rolling, and I may be earning a bit of it here. I really don't care. If he loves HER and not her body, maybe he should spend more time in prayer and deep thought, examining what HIS problem is with her body, and asking for help. That said, until she is ready and willing to tackle the changes to her body, it'd be best for anyone and everyone to take a step back. This can become a very damaging topic if foolish words are used. It wouldn't be in his best interest or hers to damage her self esteem and sense of desire because he has this problem.

 

[IslandBreeze]

I guess I'm going to be the only one who takes the opposite argument here. Shallow or not, I feel an obligation to look good for my husband. I weighed 115 lbs. when I married him; I see no reason (except for when I'm pregnant) to ever weigh anymore than that. I have seen SO many women let themselves go after having children. We're talking fifty to hundreds of pounds, which, besides looks, it's completely unhealthy. I understand that you can't help a lot of what pregnancy does as far as stretch marks go and things like that, but the weight CAN be lost. I truly believe it's a matter of willpower. There are plenty of (non-rich, non-Hollywood) women who have lost their 'baby' weight, and make an effort to look good and stay slim. And there is NOTHING wrong with that! It may be offensive to some, but I say kudos to your friend for being completely and totally honest.

 

[momof3blessings]

After reading all this I wonder did your friend marry the woman or her body? I'm not being cruel or malicious but just wondering. Kids do things to your body you can't control. Even if she lost all the weight her body will still be different. NO amount of working out is gonna help where the strech marks hit. Which it sounds like her hips and her stomach. The skin is stretched and fat just loves to land there. She could weigh exactly the same weight that she started out as but she'll still probably look different. Gravity and age have a funny way of doing that. Also metabilism changes after. There are many factors he should look at. LIke the other said if he should help and support her. Exercising with her is a great start. But most of all he needs to look with inside himself and decide who he married, And was it her or her body.

 

[katelyn]

I guess I'm going to be the only one who takes the opposite argument here. Shallow or not, I feel an obligation to look good for my husband. I weighed 115 lbs. when I married him; I see no reason (except for when I'm pregnant) to ever weigh anymore than that. I have seen SO many women let themselves go after having children. We're talking fifty to hundreds of pounds, which, besides looks, it's completely unhealthy. I understand that you can't help a lot of what pregnancy does as far as stretch marks go and things like that, but the weight CAN be lost. I truly believe it's a matter of willpower. There are plenty of (non-rich, non-Hollywood) women who have lost their 'baby' weight, and make an effort to look good and stay slim. And there is NOTHING wrong with that! It may be offensive to some, but I say kudos to your friend for being completely and totally honest.

Right, but that should be the woman's responsibility...not the husband making her. He can try to be encouraging, but it is a very sensitive subject. Of course I want to look nice for my husband, but it's going to hurt my feelings if he tells me he doesn't like the way I look. And losing weight after having a baby might be harder than you think. I can see how it could be overwhelming, with the new responsibility of a baby and all.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Not arguing one way or the other but my wife is back to her original weight -98-102 and I can tell you she does not look the same. The person that mentioned this is correct. She does not read this forum so I think it is ok to talk about it. I am also a bit against the seemingly generally flowing grain of this thread in that I try to look my best for my wife and would expect it from her too. I am more of the personality type of Cammie. It is easy to call label someone quickly or stamp that cliche' of "shallow." But if it makes you happy, go right ahead.

This must be a very sensitive topic for women though. I can see the sparks flying off my cable modem, lol. Sometimes you wonder if there is a way to discuss such topics without such tensions. Most of you have handled it maturely though, I have to admit. Thank you again.

I guess I think that if my spouse was concerned about something, I would address it head on and try to please her. I find it interesting that people go so judgemental and defensive about this topic so easily as far to say they resent a spouse even bringing it up.

For example:

"Right, but that should be the woman's responsibility"

That statement I disagree with. If you are dis-pleased with anything you should bring it up with one another [within reason], not sweep it under the mat.

 

[msjones21]

This is a very delicate situation. I had a baby and I'm not currently in a relationship, but my body grosses me out. I hate the way I look when I see myself in the mirror so I couldn't imagine how a man would see me. Granted, most women see imperfections that men would never even notice, but they are still very visual creatures. Where a woman can get over "man boobies", love handles, and a double chin if the he has a sparkling personality. Men, on the other hand, are stimulated and turned on by what they see. Now, some men like bigger women but they're a rare breed.

Now, I could very easily sit here and say "ugh men are such jerks and if they can't love a woman for who she is then they suck" but I'm also a realist. I know that if I were married right now my husband would not be turned on by my naked body so I'm working on losing weight and toning up that baby flab.

I agree with Cammie that it is important that as women we maintain a certain since of pride in the way we look. It's important that the man we're with be proud to be seen with us on their arm.

Sp0ck, I would just recommend that your friend be a gentle and delicate as possible. Maybe they could go to the gym together or perhaps he could call upon a sister or girlfriend to approach her and ask if she wants to lose weight together. It's always easier coming from a woman. Not to mention, she may be more motivated to tone up if she has someone to do it with her.

 

[Ruthie]

Spock, do you realise that there is a muscle group in a woman's stomach area which can actually split during the distension of pregnancy, and on some women that can take years/may never go back to how it was before babies, especially if she has several babies close together, hence the post partem floppy belly look. Likewise, a woman who has breastfed (and even some who do not) may never have perky breasts again (hopefully, that's not too graphic). Add to that stretch marks, where the skin has literally been stretched almost beyond capacity, and potential scarring from caesarians/episiotomies/tearing, and you have a whole bundle of reasons why a woman looks very different after having children than she did before, even if she does lose the weight. Oh, and I forgot the black circles under the eyes from sleepless nights if you have a restless baby, and worry lines if you have a sick one.

It is wonderful for those women who can step out of the hospital having had a wonderful experience with pregnancy and labour, fit right back into their pre-pregnancy clothes, have a calm baby who sleeps all night and half the day, doesn't have post-partem depression and has time to exercise and eat right, but many women don't have that luxury. And sometimes (I am saying sometimes here) their husbands are too busy griping about how nothing is the same to actually get in and give a helping hand so that both he and his wife can get back to some semblence of what they find acceptable physically and (this is related to the physical) emotionally. News Flash - a new mother often isn't very happy about how she looks either, but sometimes other people (like the baby) have to come first for a season.

Also, if the woman married young (late teens/very early twenties), she may not have grown into what she would look like as a fully developed woman yet either. A late maturer in their early twenties could still be maturing physically. I know I was. I still had boy-style hips when dh and I married. My hips today look very different, and it's not about a lot of fat in that area.

Look at other women (normal women - that means anyone from your idyll to the worst you could imagine being with in a relationship) and I would guarantee that your wife fits in there somewhere.

Also, think about how things will be in years to come. If you're not happy with how your wife looks now, are you going to be any more happy when she starts getting grey hair and wrinkles, or if she develops some age-related disability that cripples her body.

(I know I wrote this as if to your Spock, but I think you can get the gist of what I was saying, take what's relevant to you and separate it from what's relevant to your friend).

Ruthie

 

[Evening Mist]

It is possible to change your perception of what is attractive. (Speaking to anyone and everyone in general now.) It makes me a little sad to hear so many women who despise their bodies. When I think about my body now in contrast to a model's body -- I feel pretty inadequate. But when I think about my body in terms of what my children need, I feel quite proud! My children love that I am soft, that my breasts provide warm sweet milk and a comfortable resting spot, they love the fact that my hips and my back has broadened enough to bear their weight well into their preschool years, to play ball with them in the backyard, to work in the garden, etc.. The 20 pounds or so extra weight I'm carrying seems to be related to my better ability to resist illness and stay well for my kids, and carrying this extra weight also seems to be related to an increase in my sex drive. My stretch marks are a symbol of an amazing struggle that my body endured to bring forth life... they are a reminder of what I can endure. I am shaped perfectly for being a mother. I flat out refuse to be ashamed of this.