After a suicide...

[teaspoonofcourage]

I see other threads on suicide already in these forums and it breaks my heart to imagine the pain others must each still be going through. I lost a good friend to this recently, but I have not let myself begin to grieve like I should because I still have responsibilities to others. My friends aren't handling it well and many of them are entertaining throughts of this nature now too - it feels like I've lost a sister and I cannot imagine losing another one of them. Not this way. I feel like I need time out, away from everything that reminds me of her death, but I am no friend if I leave them all in this difficult time. I just don't know if I have the strength to support them .

I myself am not even sure what I'm asking here - I think I just needed to say it somewhere. Thank-you if you got this far - prayers for all involved would be greatly appreciated.

 

[bubblegumbeauty]

Hae, ive been in exactly the same boat, although it was in June ths year!! Its hard and just be there as much as you can for your friends. Also talk 2 sum1 it gets a little easier

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

Hey Bubblegumbeauty,
Thanks for your reply . I've spoken to a close friend briefly, but I'm afraid if I say too much I will cry and not stop. I'm meant to be the strong one .

I'm sorry you went through the same thing in June too - it breaks my heart to see that others have to cope with this pain too . You're in my prayers Hun.

God Bless,
teaspoon

 

[mademecry]

The following site is a supportive place specifically for those who have lost friends or loved ones to suicide.
www.suicidediscussionboard.com

Reflection

Another day for you to wonder, another day for you to mourn.
It wasn't my intention to go before the coming dawn.
My pain was deep within my heart and troubled head.
It wasn't my intention to go without words said.
My frame of mind seemed normal, or so I heard them say.
It wasn't my intention not to see another day.
I did not mean to make you suffer or cause you so much pain.
It wasn't my intention to never see you again.
Despair and confusion left my aching mind unsure.
It wasn't my intention to suddenly close life's door.
If only I could give you reasons and brush the tears away.
It wasn't my intention to leave you and not stay.
I did not mean for you to grieve, now left alone to cry.
It wasn't my intention to leave you forever asking why.
As the burdens of life's worries slowly ebb from my heart,
It wasn't my intention to tear your soul apart.

Letter to Survivors of Suicide

Hi. It's me. I'm sorry for what happened. When I decided to kill myself, I had no idea how it would impact you. I had no idea it would hurt you so badly. I never realized that my decision would hurt so many people so much. I never meant to cause so much pain. I was just so blinded by my own pain that I couldn't see anything else. I couldn't see how much I was loved. I can see it now though. Don't think that you missed all the warning signs or that you could have done something different because I tried so hard to keep anyone from finding out. I guess maybe I did keep it secret that time. I didn't want you to know what I was planning. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry. I know you want the pain to stop, and I know what you might be thinking. I can't be sure, but you might be thinking that you want to kill yourself too, like I did. Just think about that for a minute. Do you really want to put everyone through that same kind of pain all over again? I know you don't. You just want the pain to stop. Well, I've done a bit of research here for you as much as I could by talking to people here who went through the same kind of thing I put you through. They all basically said that the first thing you need to do is find a support group. Someone said that there are support groups at the hospital or hospice for "survivors of suicide" they called it. Someone else said something about United Way having a support group like that too. There are support groups online and grief counselors that you could see. Please do something to help yourself. I don't know if you already have or not, but I don't want you to hurt anymore. One lady said that she kept seeing the image of her loved one torn up and mangled, and said that it helped her to surround herself with lots of pictures of happier times to replace that image. I want you to be happy again, so please, if you don't do anything else, please go to some kind of support group to help yourself feel better for me. I love you very much, and I never meant to hurt you. I just didn't realize that what I was doing would impact so many lives so much. I'm sorry. I want to ask you to do something for me. I want you to do something to help others when you feel you're ready. You could help others who have had friends or loved ones kill themselves, or you could help people who are suicidal now. Whatever you do, please help the hurting stop. I wish I could turn back time and make things different, but I can't. I want you to remember that you didn't do anything wrong. I chose this on my own, so don't blame yourself. Please don't live in the moment of my death because it will only hurt you more, and I don't want to be the cause of any more pain. I love you so much and am so sorry for all the pain I've caused. I guess I should be going now, but tell everyone what I said. I'm depending on you to spread the word.

Love you,

Bye

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

Thanks for the reply mademecry . The link isn't working for me, but the letters are beautiful. I don't blame myself for this and I know she didn't mean to hurt us like she did . Some of my friends believe that are responsible though, and that just breaks my heart more. I will only blame one person for this and he is the Deceiver.

 

[squigglemonster]

teaspoon

I have had a few friends end their lives, and also have had friends of friends leave us in that way, and it is not easy. I am so sorry you are going through this. Many people don't understand the impact a death can have on people, even people who weren't close friends with the person.

I don't have any wonderful words of wisdom, except to suggest prayer and lots of it. When my friend overdosed a few years ago, I was very angry. I was very angry mostly with God. It took me a long time to get over it (and I'm still not over it, I just deal now). A friend of mine suggested prayer. I refused. I didn't want to talk to God. I understand now it was a childish thing to say/do/think, but that was my defence mechanism.

Once I did start praying though, I felt I could let it out. God was like my counsellor. I talked to Him, I told Him about my frustration, my anger, my upset, my devastation -- and He listened. And He took those feelings from me and He kept them away, and He gave me love, peace and forgiveness. It took a long time and even now I feel my stomach twisting and my eyes brimming with tears, but I know that I can talk to Him about it and I will feel better.

That was really long-winded, I am so sorry. I've been affected by a recent loss - two on the same day - and I guess it is really fresh in my mind.

Please please take some time for yourself if you feel you need it. There are so many people - counsellors, therapists, doctors, priests - who are there to listen and who can help you in this time. And God. God will listen to you.

I'm sorry I haven't been very helpful. I just stumbled in and felt compelled to say something, or at least to give you a big hug and let you know that you are not alone, sister.

Edited to add: And teaspoon, you might not believe it, but you have done so so much for your friends, just by being there for them. Let your friends be there for you too. They love you and they want to make sure you are okay. It's okay to need their help, or want to talk, or let your guard down. We all need to sometimes. And those friends who are entertaining the thoughts ... perhaps you, through your love and support, have given them a reason to stay.

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

Dear Squiggle,
Thank-you so much for your honesty. I was one of those people who didn’t understand the impact of death until last week, or at least, it hadn’t touched me personally. I know all the theories and ‘how-to’s’ about dealing with grief, but some things just can’t be written down like that. I don’t blame myself for this because I know there was nothing more that I could have done, but that doesn’t stop the hurt.

For so many years I kept things to myself and the only thing I learned from that was that I couldn’t rely on ‘me’. As much as I didn’t feel like it though, I made myself talk to one of my teachers yesterday and it really did help. She doesn’t have all the answers, but being able to talk to someone in real life who won’t just tell me to get over it – it’s helped more than I thought it would. And my head knows that God has been with me through all of this, even though my heart doesn’t always feel Him.

I’m really sorry that you’re hurting too Squiggle – thanks for letting me know that I’m not alone though. Your post helped more than I think you know . I don’t know that I’d be the reason for my friends to stay, but I really hope they have something. I’m not giving up on them.

God Bless,
Teaspoon

 

[goldenviolet]

dear Teaspoon, have you heard of making a memory book about your friend? my father commited suicide. i started a memory book. clippings, poems, pictures, thoughts and feelings. when i needed my dad or to feel the pain i'd work on the book. and when i was finished, i'd pack the book up. i still take it down to look at when i need his memory. photo albums work good as well as scrap books. sorry for your loss. i hope this helps.

 

[squigglemonster]

dear Teaspoon, have you heard of making a memory book about your friend? my father commited suicide. i started a memory book. clippings, poems, pictures, thoughts and feelings. when i needed my dad or to feel the pain i'd work on the book. and when i was finished, i'd pack the book up. i still take it down to look at when i need his memory. photo albums work good as well as scrap books. sorry for your loss. i hope this helps.

I am sorry to hear about your father

I wanted to second this idea. I think it's a wonderful idea. Even if you didn't have photos of the person, you can put things in that might remind you of her, things she liked, things she talked about, and prayers and blessings that you might find - inspirational quotes and pictures.

 

[Nilla]

Hey, so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother two years ago...in order to be able to get through it all I jumped right back into school and tried not to think about it at all.

But now...since I have painted the picture that everything is good and I'm coping with it all just the thought of talking..I mean really talking to someone about it scares me so much. Cause it means I have to open up and deal with what hurts so bad. And I don't know how to do that.

Don't make that mistake...It's ok to be the strong one and be there for your friends but you have to have someone you can lean on. It's ok to be "weak"....

The bravest thing you can do is letting down your gard and let someone else know how you feel inside.

God bless girl and let me know if there is anything I can do.

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

dear Teaspoon, have you heard of making a memory book about your friend? my father commited suicide. i started a memory book. clippings, poems, pictures, thoughts and feelings. when i needed my dad or to feel the pain i'd work on the book. and when i was finished, i'd pack the book up. i still take it down to look at when i need his memory. photo albums work good as well as scrap books. sorry for your loss. i hope this helps.

I am sorry to hear about your father

I wanted to second this idea. I think it's a wonderful idea. Even if you didn't have photos of the person, you can put things in that might remind you of her, things she liked, things she talked about, and prayers and blessings that you might find - inspirational quotes and pictures.

Thank-you for the suggestions goldenviolet and squiggle I am very sorry to hear about your father GV - it seems there is a lot of pain in this world. I have letters and a photo or two and a scrapbook sounds like a very good idea. Thank-you both so much.

Hey, so sorry for your loss.

I lost my brother two years ago...in order to be able to get through it all I jumped right back into school and tried not to think about it at all.

But now...since I have painted the picture that everything is good and I'm coping with it all just the thought of talking..I mean really talking to someone about it scares me so much. Cause it means I have to open up and deal with what hurts so bad. And I don't know how to do that.

Don't make that mistake...It's ok to be the strong one and be there for your friends but you have to have someone you can lean on. It's ok to be "weak"....

The bravest thing you can do is letting down your gard and let someone else know how you feel inside.

God bless girl and let me know if there is anything I can do.

Nilla . Thanks for the suggestion - The day I found out I emailed a close friend to let her know what had happened. She came past my house the day after and we spoke a little. I have also spoken a little to my teacher about it and I truly believe God puts the right people in our paths at the right time. I can see His hand in all of this and I am grateful.

I know I'm no expert, but maybe you should think about talking to someone too about your brother? As much as we try to hide the pain and to push it down and try to ignore it, it's still there . I think the only way to really come to peace with it is to find somebody who can help and together you can face it head on. It hurts terribly, but not as much as letting the anger and frustration and guilt and sadness just sit there. From what I know, they'll come out at some point...sometimes it's by our own choice, other times I guess it isn't .

I'm here too if you ever want to talk friend.

God bless,
teaspoon

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I see other threads on suicide already in these forums and it breaks my heart to imagine the pain others must each still be going through. I lost a good friend to this recently, but I have not let myself begin to grieve like I should because I still have responsibilities to others. My friends aren't handling it well and many of them are entertaining throughts of this nature now too - it feels like I've lost a sister and I cannot imagine losing another one of them. Not this way. I feel like I need time out, away from everything that reminds me of her death, but I am no friend if I leave them all in this difficult time. I just don't know if I have the strength to support them .

I myself am not even sure what I'm asking here - I think I just needed to say it somewhere. Thank-you if you got this far - prayers for all involved would be greatly appreciated.

*hug*
I know how you feel.
Who cares for the shepherd?

 

[tapero]

*hug*
I know how you feel.
Who cares for the shepherd?

Amen

 

[Nilla]

Nilla . Thanks for the suggestion - The day I found out I emailed a close friend to let her know what had happened. She came past my house the day after and we spoke a little. I have also spoken a little to my teacher about it and I truly believe God puts the right people in our paths at the right time. I can see His hand in all of this and I am grateful.

I know I'm no expert, but maybe you should think about talking to someone too about your brother? As much as we try to hide the pain and to push it down and try to ignore it, it's still there . I think the only way to really come to peace with it is to find somebody who can help and together you can face it head on. It hurts terribly, but not as much as letting the anger and frustration and guilt and sadness just sit there. From what I know, they'll come out at some point...sometimes it's by our own choice, other times I guess it isn't .

I'm here too if you ever want to talk friend.

God bless,
teaspoon

I know I need to girl...I have a few people online that I vent to. But sometimes it would be nice to just get a hug....you know.
Thanks for the offer, I might take you up on that later on.

Nilla

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

*hug*
I know how you feel.
Who cares for the shepherd?

Amen

Thank-you both .

I know I need to girl...I have a few people online that I vent to. But sometimes it would be nice to just get a hug....you know.
Thanks for the offer, I might take you up on that later on.

Nilla

You're right, hugs can do more good than people give them credit for. I hope you're doing on today my friend.

 

[Nilla]

Thank-you both .

You're right, hugs can do more good than people give them credit for. I hope you're doing on today my friend.

Yeah, I've wondered so much where all the people go. I mean all those who send flowers and call and are there the first few weeks. Where do they go after a year or two? Weird..

Anyway...What do you think about a thread here where we all share our stories..what happend that day or maybe just what thoughts goes through our heads?

 

[teaspoonofcourage]

Yeah, I've wondered so much where all the people go. I mean all those who send flowers and call and are there the first few weeks. Where do they go after a year or two? Weird..

Anyway...What do you think about a thread here where we all share our stories..what happend that day or maybe just what thoughts goes through our heads?

I know . People who aren't directly affected by a suicide though don't realise how long the pain can last.

I think a thread where people can share their stories is a great idea! We've just got to be careful that we don't share exactly how they did it though. I can imagine that could cause a lot more problems for others who may be suicidal themselves .

We could even use this thread if you wanted to, or you can start another. I think it's a great idea .