Those that know me know that I am a person who doesn't want to settle with half-truths and questions. I get angry sometimes when someone is smarter than me. Call it jealousy, call it arrogance - but I think it has really helped me in this struggle between denominations. As I've said before in another thread, I came to CF to find fulfillment in the denomination I already had. I didn't come to change my denomination.
Everything went fine - I recieved great replies to the questions I asked (since I came from a very athiestic and cynical forum in an attempt to spread the gospel) and I was slowly starting to strengthen my faith. That was what I had wanted more than anything - to believe in God more than the shreds I had then. If you'll read my testimony, you'll see that I was jerked rather suddenly into my faith. I had no other decision but to believe in God, because He showed Himself to me with such PHYSICAL evidence.
After a month and a half, I was beginning to rationalize. What if I made it up? What if I was under the influence of hypnosis, or the placebo-effect? What if God truly did not exist, and we are all just mindless sheep, following some invisible hoax?
But the one thing that kept me grasped to my belief was something I only mentioned briefly in my testimony: A vision of heaven. During my exorcism, I was exhausted and confused, but at one point, at one holy moment, when three men were standing around me, singing, praising the Lord, banishing a vile entity from my sacred soul, I closed my eyes. Time stopped. I sat there, and as I wanted to open my eyes, just before that action, I saw a great white flash. To describe it would be like watching a detailed frame of a film, flashing by, but what I saw, I still carry in my thoughts today. What I saw was a mind-captured split second of a majestic and paramount realm.
Now, this is hard to explain in words, but I saw everything in contrasts of black and white. Imagine one of those wide pictures they make by combining a number of photos to make a huge scenario. I watched and I saw a huge, and I mean, a great flying creature. My thoughts scramble when I try to remember what it looked like. All I can remember is that it was brightly illuminated against the background, and was slowly flapping its colossal wings with the grace of some heavenly creature. All this I captured and cherish in one brief moment of this perception of time that we have.
Every time I doubted the existence of my most loving Jesus, the Great FATHER, CREATOR, and MENTOR, and the blessed and mysterious Heavenly Spirit, I remembered this great testimony of my thoughts. How do I see this, if my eyes were closed? Because I believe this vision was a feast for my soul's eyes.
This conviction that I am tightly bonded to has brought me to the decision to wield every ounce of energy I carry in my fragile human state in search of the Truth of my God. I will not rest before I find this truth, and upon finding it, I will cherish it above the life of everything I can imagine to hold dear in my life on earth.
I believe that now some of you may understand my fear of sin, my fear of causing sorrow for my most Blessed Father when I tread on unholy soil. I believe now some of you understand why I am so eager to find the Truth that lies in His Grace - and that truth will lead me closer to Him. My conversion has left a void that I am trying to fill with my conviction, and it is slowly getting to the point where it will flood over the sides, and when I may be ready to preach the Good News once more - armed with the Power granted by the Blessed Grace of Jesus Christ, Almighty.
That is my aim.
God bless
