Afraid I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. A quietly miserable sinner.

[DeadorDyingWanderer]

Hello everyone,
I posted here a year and a half ago. I was in very bad shape. I nearly died because I was awake eight days straight and overdrinking/overdosing because I thought that I was damned for all eternity.

I'm going to re-tell my story in a more honest light(and therefore more scatter-brained) so that someone might be able to help me. Looking back over my life, my wickedness shocks me...it's as if I can't quite believe what I've done and been...I don't deserve help...at all...
Also, I'm going to jump back and forth a lot, because, remarkably, despite my wickedness, God seems to be imparting His Grace to me again...Truly Amazing...I seem to be spiritually bipolar. I think that perhaps I'm coming here for help and to testify of His Goodness. May He be lifted up.

When I was thirteen, I had a scary wake-up call. I was reading about Jesus' hard words concerning predestination one night.
"Only those whom the Father draws can come to me."
This TERRIFIED ME.
I knew that my heart was dead at that moment and that I was going to hell, and even scarier, I couldn't do a thing about it, and I wasn't trusting God and knew that I couldn't make myself trust Him.
Years went on and I found different ways to cope with this darkness that was eating away at me. I turned to computer games, friends, television, but I just couldn't shake the inner terror that I was in.
I had another problem, a problem that I knew was feeding this darkness: inappropriate contentography. I wanted to stop, but I just couldn't give it up. I kept choosing to give in and give in.
Finally, when I was 17, I was getting into reading erotic literature and I was beginning to dabble a bit in homosexual fantasies.
Well, I got another wake up call in 2003. My Dad had me read "Pilgrim's Progress" for school(I was homeschooled)
I got to the part about the man in the iron cage. That did it. I gave in to the terror and I felt like I was going to die. I could tell my heart was really hard and that I could do nothing about it. My face burnt with shame at the thought of all the nasty things I'd done.
Then...I forget what book I was reading, but I was reading about God's Grace, and it finally hit me...I couldn't do a thing, but He was more than willing to forgive me and bring me into the Family of God...Christ had taken care of it for me at the cross and I could rest from trying to earn my Salvation...I was over-joyed. I could be free from the sin, guilt and damnation!
I locked myself into the bathroom a couple days before Christmas and pleaded for forgiveness, knowing that He would forgive me. I wanted faith and I wanted it right there and then.
Then...God sent His Spirit to me!

You'd think I'd stick with it, after all the darkness and taste of Heaven itself...but I waxed cold in a few weeks...the doubts crept back in...I struggled with predestination again, and it seemed impossible that God would forgive me...then, I started to drift, knowing what the consequences would be. I started ignoring the Spirit again. I knew that I was going to commit the unpardonable sin...
Finally, one day, a few months after asking God to forgive me and coming to an understanding of what Grace was...I gave full control to my sexual desires, and I started blashpeming the Holy Spirit while in the act of sexual sins... i.e. "%!@ you, Holy Spirit! I want to keep sinning! Go away! I don't want to go to Heaven with you anymore!"
After a few weeks of these terrible acts, He left! I knew the consequences would be eternal...
My heart died within me. It was as if my soul was a flag and the wind had stopped blowing altogether. I felt a new sensation creep into me from the bottom of my rotten soul: Death itself.
I could no longer care for the things of Christ. I cared only for the things of the world from now on...or so I thought?
Life went on, but it just wasn't the same...way deep down inside, I felt so...bad...so terrible...like I'd hurt someone terribly and in the process lost something infinitely huge myself. My empty heart was now totally full of sin.

Life rolled on and I noticed that my inner world was taking on a different hue. I noticed a spirit of haughtiness within me. I noticed promptings of greed and jealousy. And without the Holy Spirit, I knew I could do nothing to overcome them! They became who I was. I was given over to my sin and thought nobody around me could see it. I also noticed a distaste for and desire to flee all good Christian company. I knew I'd turned back to my own vomit and couldn't ever turn back. I was now truly lost forever and didn't care.
I appeared normal to everyone around me, my Christian friends and family, and I also kept up Christian appearances as well.
I did not speak to another soul about any of this until much later in my life.

Early 2004 was an eventful year for me. I resisted the Holy Spirit until he gave me up to sexual desires and spiritual blindness/impotency...I fell into what I thought was love that year, and I also met who is now my wife.
Also, at the end of 2004 is where my troubles REALLY began and persist to this day.
That October, I fell into my terror again because I became convinced that I somehow had cancer and was going to die, and then I remembered what I'd done earlier that year...I'd blasphemed the Spirit! I turned to God for help and to pray, but I felt stopped up in my heart every time I did so. I sensed no call again to repentance and God's word no longer gave me any comfort, not a SINGLE OUNCE!
I contracted asthma and bronchitis from my terror and I was filled with nothing but dread at the thought of Jesus. This is when I started getting REALLY sinful.
I continued in my sin all this while, grovelling in the darkness...and the darkness got blacker and blacker. I started to recover and I began to get into really heinous sexual acts, acts which really degraded my soul...the shame became unbearable and I couldn't live with myself, yet I continued...
I eventually picked up a girlfriend...told her I was going to marry her JUST so I could sleep with her. I dragged her into all kinds of sin... I felt awful for doing this and I got way more miserable after that...After two years of agony with her, she finally got away from the scourge that I was and got into college. I continued blindly in my sin, and now, after that relationship, I was hurting and bitter...and lazy...
I was twenty-two after the ordeal with that poor girl and still lived with my parents. Remember the woman I mentioned who is now my wife? We were just now becoming friends. I found her fun, and also, she was a Christian, which is ironic, considering the wretched state I was in.
By all appearances, I seemed to be a very nice nominal Christian fellow. I knew all the words, how to keep up the part...yet, my heart was growing uglier by the year and I was inwardly believing strange things...but I never really let myself quite believe that there was no God. I knew there was one...and I had to figure out how to get back to Him.
Also, I was extremely prideful.
I learned how to make music. I became really successful, actually. I loved the attention I got in church and abroad for my talent(This makes me feel really gross and really terrifies me concerning Jesus' words about those who like to sit in the high places)
I kept getting promptings to marry the woman I was friends with, but, as she wasn't up to my standards physically, I scorned and fought TOOTH AND NAIL to subdue my tender feelings to her. I was also afraid that I'd wind up hurting her like I did the last girl I was with, so I used that as an excuse to keep putting it off...
Everytime I'd harden my heart towards her...I'd get really nasty...I'd do brutal/terrible things to God's creatures and I'd plot all kinds of really wicked things...and all the time, people around me still saw me as that "nice Christian guy" I had become a sadist and I truly hated God...I was so twisted it was frightening...and at the time...my conscience wasn't bothering me at all!(or so I thought)
It wasn't until a few years ago that I started seeking Christ again, truly, with an aim to admit and give up my sin...however, my heart kept on rotting...and I eventually came to realize my lost condition again...that got scary...because this time, I already knew I was in hell.
Somehow I started reading about testimonies of those who had died in their sins...This is what nearly lead me to die in the first place. Satan really tightened his grip on my neck. I looked back on all I had done and said and all the promptings I had ignored from God. I began to feel the fires of hell scorch my heart. I suddenly knew it was too late for me. I was truly and finally damned. My sin and hatred for God looked so black to me I thought that this must certainly be true. People noticed this time. I stopped doing everything, it took terrible effort just to eat. My family was genuinely concerned, I told my parents and brothers that I loved them, and they kept telling me about God's Grace, and that I hadn't committed the unpardonable sin, but I just couldn't shake it.


I don't know if the Holy Spirit has left me forever or not, but I do know that He DEFINITELY gave me over to my sin, and ouch...you don't want to be given over to your sin...there isn't anything good about it, it's a WRETCHED STATE! You always get more than you asked for and it always takes you way further than you intend to go.
I'm still wading through hell. I must deal with the reality of the things I've done. I know God is Gracious, and I also know that He is Just. I don't want to be a vessel of Wrath, but my life and choices scream out to me that I am.
I want to go to heaven desperately, to escape my wicked self and the darkness I've coddled for so long. I know that God can forgive all this wickedness, but it's the question of whether He will or not that really frightens me. I know that it started with me turning down His offer of salvation to me, and it TERRIFIES me to think of that offer he made to me in the winter of 2003 as being the last one, as I was so convinced then that it was.


Yet...I seem to be on the road to recovery, and I don't know how this is so...the bitterness is gone, the pride seems to be melting away(pride is tricky) certain sins seem to be loosing their grip on me...Seems like the Lord is whispering His Wisdom and His Love to me again. I keep getting promptings to lay down my doubts and stand in Him and for Him.(This takes courage? Something I never had) It's as if I'm at the Fountain, and my heart and soul are, after years and years, getting just the tiniest trickle of His life. Obedience to Him seems so blessed to me now and it seems that I've found the very beginning of true purpose in my life. In the midst of the terrible doubts and fears of being eternally done for, I get glimmers of Who He is and who I am in Him. I know that, regardless of what happens to me, it's all about Him...yet I still doubt, still think it's too late. Was that the unpardonable sin? Telling the Holy Spirit to %!@# off in one giant movement of the sinful heart? How could it be anything else? People tell me that that's not blaspheming the Spirit, but it sure seems like it to me. If so, I'm always going to be lost...

 

[Josie Adams]

Nothing can separate you from the love that is in Jesus Christ. I don't understand the unpardonable sin, but I know this. God is merciful, and just. He forgave Israel over and over and over again and they were 100 times more sinful than you could ever even try to be. I was afraid of the same thing once as I felt I was done for and God spoke to me. He said "be assured of your salvation". It is the enemy that tries to take the helmet of salvation off our heads and tell us there is no point and that we are damned to hell.

Focus on your relationship with God and let his love surround you and you will know in your heart how much you are loved and that you are still being held in his hands,

Bless you.

 

[Grafted In]

A week or so after I got saved the devil launched an attack on me that is not all that different than with you. I was reading the Bible several hours a day and Jesus was feeding me richly. I just could not put the little NT someone had given me down. The enemy would wake me from my sleep and tell me that my faith would fail, that he could cause me to blaspheme The Holy Ghost in my sleep. The more I sought the face of God the more he would attack me. I sought council with another believer who told me Satan's game plan was to smother the desire to know God....to convince me to give up.

Do you know what I think about your situation? The devil is afraid of you. He believes that if you can really grab hold of God's ear you would be a big problem for him. Tell him he's a liar and that the God who created everything...the God who booted him out of Heaven dwells inside of you.

Pick up your Bible and read. Read until he gets the idea that he's wasting his time on you. When those ugly thoughts come back, as they surely will, remind him again that the God of Abraham, Isaak and Jacob dwells in you and that you have been washed in the blood of Jesus Christ and you are righteous in the eyes of God.

Eventually he'll get the point and move on to someone else. But if you continue as you have I'm afraid your misery will worsen. If you have truely given your heart to Jesus and The Holy Spirit dwells in you then I don't believe you will lose your salvation but life will be a nightmare if you don't get serious about your relationship with God.

 

[lyndseyb]

I've been through this fear. It is so, so hard.
You've probably heard before, that those who are scared of the unforgivable sin can't have committed it? And like me you've probably been briefly reassured by that but then wondered if it was really true?
Well think about this. This is a testimony I gave to someone else on this site and it seemed to help them rationalize so here it is:

I officially became a Christian last year in February 2014. Before that, I was a very bad person and my heart was very far from God. I'd said the sinners prayer a few times but saw no immediate change so then I straight away went back to calling myself an Atheist, mocking God, mocking Christians etc. Now as I said, during that time my heart was very far from God and yet I never had any blasphemous thoughts at all.
It was only when God called me to be a true Christian last year, when I started taking my faith seriously, when I repented and asked Jesus to come into my heart, when I believed in him and was trying to get closer to him, that the blasphemous OCD started. Why? Because I desperately DID NOT want to think these thoughts and OCD does what it always does - attacks you with doubts and fears about something you really, truly care about.
So do you see how the advice 'If you're worried about the unforgivable sin then you haven't committed it' is true? When I was calling myself an atheist I suffer no blasphemous thoughts at all! It only started when I really, truly believed and cared. You haven't committed this sin because you love God and want to please him.

Do you see now?
Atheists do not worry about this sin.
When I was far from God I didn't worry about this sin.
It only happened when I really, truly cared.

From what I read you made a lot of mistakes but none of it's worse than some of the things I've done but thanks to God I now have faith.
And there are more testimonies on this website below by people who believed they had committed the unforgivable sin:
Holy Spirit blasphemy: Testimonies of Christians who felt sure their sin was unpardonable

Remember 1 Timothy 1:15
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. 16 Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.…

 

[blackribbon]

You haven't killed anyone because they were Christians have you...did you ever hate God that much? Paul did....but that wasn't enough for God to desert him.

Peter denied knowing Christ three times the night he died...just to save himself...and yet Christ forgave him and loved him.

Nothing you have done is particularly shocking to Jesus. He can forgive it all if we just ask.

I think the unforgivable sin is when we quit seeking forgiveness and turn our backs on God forever. Until then, we are not a hopeless cause.

However, if you continue to focus all your thoughts on whether or not God can use you, He will never be able to use you. You are the chosen adopted child of the King. Focus on pleasing Him instead of trying to decide if you are worthy. None of us are worthy of his love but we are all still very much loved.

 

[a Christian Sister]

Hello everyone, I posted here a year and a half ago. I was in very bad shape. I nearly died because I was awake eight days straight and overdrinking/overdosing because I thought that I was damned for all eternity. I'm going to re-tell my story in a more honest light(and therefore more scatter-brained) so that someone might be able to help me. Looking back over my life, my wickedness shocks me...it's as if I can't quite believe what I've done and been...I don't deserve help...at all... Also, I'm going to jump back and forth a lot, because, remarkably, despite my wickedness, God seems to be imparting His Grace to me again...Truly Amazing...I seem to be spiritually bipolar. I think that perhaps I'm coming here for help and to testify of His Goodness. May He be lifted up. When I was thirteen, I had a scary wake-up call. I was reading about Jesus' hard words concerning predestination one night. "Only those whom the Father draws can come to me." This TERRIFIED ME. I knew that my heart was dead at that moment and that I was going to hell, and even scarier, I couldn't do a thing about it, and I wasn't trusting God and knew that I couldn't make myself trust Him. Years went on and I found different ways to cope with this darkness that was eating away at me. I turned to computer games, friends, television, but I just couldn't shake the inner terror that I was in. I had another problem, a problem that I knew was feeding this darkness: inappropriate contentography. I wanted to stop, but I just couldn't give it up. I kept choosing to give in and give in. Finally, when I was 17, I was getting into reading erotic literature and I was beginning to dabble a bit in homosexual fantasies. Well, I got another wake up call in 2003. My Dad had me read "Pilgrim's Progress" for school(I was homeschooled) I got to the part about the man in the iron cage. That did it. I gave in to the terror and I felt like I was going to die. I could tell my heart was really hard and that I could do nothing about it. My face burnt with shame at the thought of all the nasty things I'd done. Then...I forget what book I was reading, but I was reading about God's Grace, and it finally hit me...I couldn't do a thing, but He was more than willing to forgive me and bring me into the Family of God...Christ had taken care of it for me at the cross and I could rest from trying to earn my Salvation...I was over-joyed. I could be free from the sin, guilt and damnation! I locked myself into the bathroom a couple days before Christmas and pleaded for forgiveness, knowing that He would forgive me. I wanted faith and I wanted it right there and then. Then...God sent His Spirit to me! You'd think I'd stick with it, after all the darkness and taste of Heaven itself...but I waxed cold in a few weeks...the doubts crept back in...I struggled with predestination again, and it seemed impossible that God would forgive me...then, I started to drift, knowing what the consequences would be. I started ignoring the Spirit again. I knew that I was going to commit the unpardonable sin... Finally, one day, a few months after asking God to forgive me and coming to an understanding of what Grace was...I gave full control to my sexual desires, and I started blashpeming the Holy Spirit while in the act of sexual sins... i.e. "%!@ you, Holy Spirit! I want to keep sinning! Go away! I don't want to go to Heaven with you anymore!" After a few weeks of these terrible acts, He left! I knew the consequences would be eternal... My heart died within me. It was as if my soul was a flag and the wind had stopped blowing altogether. I felt a new sensation creep into me from the bottom of my rotten soul: Death itself. I could no longer care for the things of Christ. I cared only for the things of the world from now on...or so I thought? Life went on, but it just wasn't the same...way deep down inside, I felt so...bad...so terrible...like I'd hurt someone terribly and in the process lost something infinitely huge myself. My empty heart was now totally full of sin. Life rolled on and I noticed that my inner world was taking on a different hue. I noticed a spirit of haughtiness within me. I noticed promptings of greed and jealousy. And without the Holy Spirit, I knew I could do nothing to overcome them! They became who I was. I was given over to my sin and thought nobody around me could see it. I also noticed a distaste for and desire to flee all good Christian company. I knew I'd turned back to my own vomit and couldn't ever turn back. I was now truly lost forever and didn't care. I appeared normal to everyone around me, my Christian friends and family, and I also kept up Christian appearances as well. I did not speak to another soul about any of this until much later in my life. Early 2004 was an eventful year for me. I resisted the Holy Spirit until he gave me up to sexual desires and spiritual blindness/impotency...I fell into what I thought was love that year, and I also met who is now my wife. Also, at the end of 2004 is where my troubles REALLY began and persist to this day. That October, I fell into my terror again because I became convinced that I somehow had cancer and was going to die, and then I remembered what I'd done earlier that year...I'd blasphemed the Spirit! I turned to God for help and to pray, but I felt stopped up in my heart every time I did so. I sensed no call again to repentance and God's word no longer gave me any comfort, not a SINGLE OUNCE! I contracted asthma and bronchitis from my terror and I was filled with nothing but dread at the thought of Jesus. This is when I started getting REALLY sinful. I continued in my sin all this while, grovelling in the darkness...and the darkness got blacker and blacker. I started to recover and I began to get into really heinous sexual acts, acts which really degraded my soul...the shame became unbearable and I couldn't live with myself, yet I continued... I eventually picked up a girlfriend...told her I was going to marry her JUST so I could sleep with her. I dragged her into all kinds of sin... I felt awful for doing this and I got way more miserable after that...After two years of agony with her, she finally got away from the scourge that I was and got into college. I continued blindly in my sin, and now, after that relationship, I was hurting and bitter...and lazy... I was twenty-two after the ordeal with that poor girl and still lived with my parents. Remember the woman I mentioned who is now my wife? We were just now becoming friends. I found her fun, and also, she was a Christian, which is ironic, considering the wretched state I was in. By all appearances, I seemed to be a very nice nominal Christian fellow. I knew all the words, how to keep up the part...yet, my heart was growing uglier by the year and I was inwardly believing strange things...but I never really let myself quite believe that there was no God. I knew there was one...and I had to figure out how to get back to Him. Also, I was extremely prideful. I learned how to make music. I became really successful, actually. I loved the attention I got in church and abroad for my talent(This makes me feel really gross and really terrifies me concerning Jesus' words about those who like to sit in the high places) I kept getting promptings to marry the woman I was friends with, but, as she wasn't up to my standards physically, I scorned and fought TOOTH AND NAIL to subdue my tender feelings to her. I was also afraid that I'd wind up hurting her like I did the last girl I was with, so I used that as an excuse to keep putting it off... Everytime I'd harden my heart towards her...I'd get really nasty...I'd do brutal/terrible things to God's creatures and I'd plot all kinds of really wicked things...and all the time, people around me still saw me as that "nice Christian guy" I had become a sadist and I truly hated God...I was so twisted it was frightening...and at the time...my conscience wasn't bothering me at all!(or so I thought) It wasn't until a few years ago that I started seeking Christ again, truly, with an aim to admit and give up my sin...however, my heart kept on rotting...and I eventually came to realize my lost condition again...that got scary...because this time, I already knew I was in hell. Somehow I started reading about testimonies of those who had died in their sins...This is what nearly lead me to die in the first place. Satan really tightened his grip on my neck. I looked back on all I had done and said and all the promptings I had ignored from God. I began to feel the fires of hell scorch my heart. I suddenly knew it was too late for me. I was truly and finally damned. My sin and hatred for God looked so black to me I thought that this must certainly be true. People noticed this time. I stopped doing everything, it took terrible effort just to eat. My family was genuinely concerned, I told my parents and brothers that I loved them, and they kept telling me about God's Grace, and that I hadn't committed the unpardonable sin, but I just couldn't shake it. I don't know if the Holy Spirit has left me forever or not, but I do know that He DEFINITELY gave me over to my sin, and ouch...you don't want to be given over to your sin...there isn't anything good about it, it's a WRETCHED STATE! You always get more than you asked for and it always takes you way further than you intend to go. I'm still wading through hell. I must deal with the reality of the things I've done. I know God is Gracious, and I also know that He is Just. I don't want to be a vessel of Wrath, but my life and choices scream out to me that I am. I want to go to heaven desperately, to escape my wicked self and the darkness I've coddled for so long. I know that God can forgive all this wickedness, but it's the question of whether He will or not that really frightens me. I know that it started with me turning down His offer of salvation to me, and it TERRIFIES me to think of that offer he made to me in the winter of 2003 as being the last one, as I was so convinced then that it was. Yet...I seem to be on the road to recovery, and I don't know how this is so...the bitterness is gone, the pride seems to be melting away(pride is tricky) certain sins seem to be loosing their grip on me...Seems like the Lord is whispering His Wisdom and His Love to me again. I keep getting promptings to lay down my doubts and stand in Him and for Him.(This takes courage? Something I never had) It's as if I'm at the Fountain, and my heart and soul are, after years and years, getting just the tiniest trickle of His life. Obedience to Him seems so blessed to me now and it seems that I've found the very beginning of true purpose in my life. In the midst of the terrible doubts and fears of being eternally done for, I get glimmers of Who He is and who I am in Him. I know that, regardless of what happens to me, it's all about Him...yet I still doubt, still think it's too late. Was that the unpardonable sin? Telling the Holy Spirit to %!@# off in one giant movement of the sinful heart? How could it be anything else? People tell me that that's not blaspheming the Spirit, but it sure seems like it to me. If so, I'm always going to be lost...[/QUOTI don't know how ta do this?please help me? Thank you

 

[a Christian Sister]

please help my christian family , idk how ta do this? Thank you

 

[a Christian Sister]

Ok , I'm a born n raise CHRISTIANS n we was taught on the King James Version bible . Mom took me out of school when I was 14 , something happnd which never hit the papers or the news . So mom home school me christian like , n then I learn in life .. Life taught me things bad things ... No I never took drugs or drink whiskey or beer .. I never was nasty Cuz mom told me God is always watching but what happnd when I was 14 was not my fault... I cry n cry n beg ta lord ta help me , he help me .. Then I met friends who was in the Wiccan society I felt bad ... I Thot mom did not teach me like this , I left .. Well Gavin n Linda was Wiccan leaders they found me I cried to mom so we got Father Larry to help us n the whole St. Peter's n Paul's church to help us . Gavin n Linda back off... I almost pass away when I flash my wrist two days before Christmas our lord help me , then again two years later I took very heavy sleeping pills, I had a friend who help me ... I have learning disabilities , n bipolar ... Im not crazy im just miss understood like my mom said. We are all god's children n he loves all of us no matter what . That is what I was taught by bible teaching my mom taught me...then again I was miss lead by devil worshippers when I saw the gathering I was gone ran back to church n pray n pray n pray I wanna be with our father n all my christian brothrs n sisters .. I wanna be with you all here . I know I text funny n im sorry .. I don't feel well n when I'm in this kind of religious room you my family make me feel kinda well Cuz I'm learning more of our father n Jesus in heaven I feel you my family will help me n not laugh at how I put my words or text , please give me a chance ? Please help me ? Please pray for me please? Thank you . In the name of the father the son n the holy bible , God bless you all forever !
Amen

 

[DeadorDyingWanderer]

I'd like to thank you all very much for your kindness in giving me encouragement and pointing me to Jesus. God has revealed Himself to me again in His love for me through Christ. You know Him, you know the Father. That is what we were made for. The Holy Spirit is ready to lead me again! Those still waters...His Strange and Beautiful Glory...WOW!!!! May He be Revered. He didn't leave me, I left Him. Amen.

I dunno quite how to describe it, like being kissed by Heaven itself?

As for you, a Christian Sister. I will pray for you.

- A man who should probably change his name on this forum because he is no longer dead or dying...

 

[jamesup7777]

This may have already been mentioned, but the only way to blaspheme the Holy Spirit and commit the unpardonable sin is to reject Christ. The unpardonable sin is not believing in Him as the Son of God and the Savior to all the world including yourself. He paid our penalty for all sin by dying on the cross. If you believe He is your Savior and have truly accepted His grace, you cannot commit the unpardonable sin.

 

[lyndseyb]

I'd like to thank you all very much for your kindness in giving me encouragement and pointing me to Jesus. God has revealed Himself to me again in His love for me through Christ. You know Him, you know the Father. That is what we were made for. The Holy Spirit is ready to lead me again! Those still waters...His Strange and Beautiful Glory...WOW!!!! May He be Revered. He didn't leave me, I left Him. Amen.

I dunno quite how to describe it, like being kissed by Heaven itself?

As for you, a Christian Sister. I will pray for you.

- A man who should probably change his name on this forum because he is no longer dead or dying...

Great news.
And your testimony will give hope to others who fear they have committed this sin. Thank you forsharing.

 

[jake wolfe]

DeadorDyingWanderer where are you!!!! please i hope god gets this message to you, i pray for it. i am going through exactly what you went through almost word for word. from the empty lost feeling to the cancer anxiety, i feel damned!! please reach out to me!

 

[Jeshu]

my dear brother it sounds like your life has been a lot like mine - sin and all. However there is a way out honestly true.

Do you remember the parable of the sheep and the goat? It is like that within us as well. So love for God, suffering wrong, loving your neighbour, being caring, sharing, joyful and generous etc are the times you see the sheep in you and the times you hate God and love wrong is when you see the goat in you.

The trick is to go to Jesus when you are stuck in with goat spirit, not feed it your sheep spirit, though that is where the goats are after. Each time you expose the evil living in you to God's loving truth it will die a little more inside of you.

I have fought my goats within for years now and Jesus has set me almost completely free from their power and gave me back the good life I lost because of them and so much more!

It can take years to be free from sexual sinful spirit for example. It sure was very hard in my life and I still fall at times, for it is hard to keep oneself pure sexually after perversion has ruled/oppressed our hearts for a long time as was with me.

For me the problem was, like as with you, in part I loved wrong and hated God for not allowing me my life in wrong and judging me an evildoer in my sinful state, rather than only hating my sin and coming to Him for renewal - which was in me as well. Yet Jesus wanted me to lay down my love for sexual sin in favour of Him and life with Him a wilful sinner, oh boy was that hard to do brother, unbelievable hard!

Now I want to warn you I have only ever been able to achieve this laying down of bad life in part. For most of me a sexual sinner died in the process that The Word took me through, and only a very small little me was left at the end of the fiery ordeal Christ took me through an unwashed sinner.

However each time the lawless one is revealed again - each time sin inside of me would shove me the believer out of the way and force its way to the fore through doubting, unbelieving, lustful, prideful and dishonest spirit within me. However each time again I confessed my fall in them to Christ and let Him take care of me without judging myself in any way whatsoever apart of knowing I was saved in Christ and wrong would be washed off in The End.

Eating Christ's freely offered grace is how the red dragon accuser in my guilty conscience burned that unfaithful harlot temptress living within me and I became free from the power of sin in that part of my life. Be of very good courage brother Jesus loves to set you free as well.

Now you the sheep in you hate and suffer wrong but the goats in you love wrong it is for you to know who is true you and who is not!

Much love your way bro Jesus is awaiting you on the clouds of Heaven so keep your focus on Him and not your sin! The more you look at Jesus the more the power of sin will melt away, the more you interact with sin within or without you the more it will stick to you. So please be aware!




Zion Descending

At first I heard Dad say,
"Son let us make tracks,
its near getting dark now,
the chosen are all asleep,
now would be best,
as darkness reigns its peak,
for arrogance has him blinded,
to what is really going on."


I saw the sunlight darkened,
the moon turn to blood,
and the stars falling from Heaven.
I felt everything shaking in its boots.
I heard about wars and rumours of wars.
I experienced famine and drought,
grand scale living in wantonness,
rulers making a living out of sin,
Satan's forces installed everywhere,
loveless forces ruling untruthfully.


I heard my inner world crying out in her dying pain,
"What is going on?
The Father is leaving us without the Son,
this can only evil mean."
I heard the angels blow the trumpets!
"Woe to the inhabitants of this soul!"

I heard the agonising cries,
coming from underneath the altar,
the dead in God's love, longingly,
awaiting newness of life!
"Yes, oh Lord, pour out their blood as they did ours!"

I heard the thunders rolling throughout my being,
"Let evil brood fear The Truth of God almighty!
Let judgement begin in The House of God!"

I knew judgement had already began,
when I beheld those massive hails stones,
tumbling down on the heads of the wicked.
I watched my enemies flee in terror!
Scorpion stings burning wrong,
horse hooves kicking up dirt,
truthfulness uncovering shame,
honesty baring nakedness,
the dung of the earth warring,
lies sores causing agony,
pestilence threatening,
as grasshoppers devoured,
my enemies food and good life!

It was fascinating to see,
how weak those are...,
.....so strong in lies!

Yes, honest!
Loving truth is like that!
The freedom to be,
true to yourself,
both in good and bad,
in His love to be.

Oh the release of faith!
Heart rendering awe!
Shouts of glorious praise!
Jumping joy - pure ecstasy!
Glorying in God almighty,
my life's tormentors died,
perishing one after the other.

Seeing Jesus on His white horse,
a blazing sword coming out of His mouth,
His all conquering loving truth
my inner world of being to reap.
Casting dead what is so good to have gone,
raising alive that which I had lost,
bringing new life at each dawn,
His kingdom ruling my world of being,
His presence bringing rest and peace.

Time and again He comes past like this,
(terrorising the wicked agonising their mates demise,)
as all His wheels turn into place.
The Word alive in heavenly love.
Costly gifts descending from above.
beholding the temple of the most high,
the truth of His love Himself my Zion.

 

[Tempura]

DeadorDyingWanderer where are you!!!! please i hope god gets this message to you, i pray for it. i am going through exactly what you went through almost word for word. from the empty lost feeling to the cancer anxiety, i feel damned!! please reach out to me!

Try sending him a private message if he doesn't see this. But don't fear, as you can see, he got better too. Just hang on and have hope in Christ. Said a prayer for you.

 

[Tempura]

Ok , I'm a born n raise CHRISTIANS n we was taught on the King James Version bible . Mom took me out of school when I was 14 , something happnd which never hit the papers or the news . So mom home school me christian like , n then I learn in life .. Life taught me things bad things ... No I never took drugs or drink whiskey or beer .. I never was nasty Cuz mom told me God is always watching but what happnd when I was 14 was not my fault... I cry n cry n beg ta lord ta help me , he help me .. Then I met friends who was in the Wiccan society I felt bad ... I Thot mom did not teach me like this , I left .. Well Gavin n Linda was Wiccan leaders they found me I cried to mom so we got Father Larry to help us n the whole St. Peter's n Paul's church to help us . Gavin n Linda back off... I almost pass away when I flash my wrist two days before Christmas our lord help me , then again two years later I took very heavy sleeping pills, I had a friend who help me ... I have learning disabilities , n bipolar ... Im not crazy im just miss understood like my mom said. We are all god's children n he loves all of us no matter what . That is what I was taught by bible teaching my mom taught me...then again I was miss lead by devil worshippers when I saw the gathering I was gone ran back to church n pray n pray n pray I wanna be with our father n all my christian brothrs n sisters .. I wanna be with you all here . I know I text funny n im sorry .. I don't feel well n when I'm in this kind of religious room you my family make me feel kinda well Cuz I'm learning more of our father n Jesus in heaven I feel you my family will help me n not laugh at how I put my words or text , please give me a chance ? Please help me ? Please pray for me please? Thank you . In the name of the father the son n the holy bible , God bless you all forever !
Amen

I don't quite understand, what are you worried about? Are you concerned over a mistake you made in the past? We've all made them, dear. And not just small, meaningless ones. Many of us have been in very dark places. I don't think God is a trickster, just waiting for us to make a mistake and then laughing at us. He knows we're sinners, and wants to turn us.

Remember the story about the prodigal son? He took his inheritance in advance, left his family and used all the money doing whatever useless and bad stuff. He didn't care about anything. But when he realized what he had done, and found himself from a miserable place, he went back, and his father came half way to meet him, and hugged him, and welcomed him back with open arms, and loved him very much even though the son didn't deserve any of it. That's how God is, he'll always meet us half way.

Of course we'll give you a chance, all the chances. You're not any worse than anyone else out here. Said a prayer for you, don't fear.

 

[Jezmeyah]

Hello everyone,
I posted here a year and a half ago. I was in very bad shape. I nearly died because I was awake eight days straight and overdrinking/overdosing because I thought that I was damned for all eternity.

Anyone who truly is, doesn't care if they are.

Your deep anxiety shows that you are not damned. But suffer the fears that you are.

According to the apostle John you are in that place where he wrote of those who are not perfected in God's love. "There is no fear in (His) Love; but perfect Love casts out fear, because fear involves (the) torment (of) punishment., the one who fears is not perfected in Love." 1 John 4:18.

I'm going to re-tell my story in a more honest light(and therefore more scatter-brained) so that someone might be able to help me. Looking back over my life, my wickedness shocks me...it's as if I can't quite believe what I've done and been...

We could all do that and feel the same way. I remember things that I'd done and I'm appalled- how could I have done such a terrible thing as that!?

I don't deserve help...at all...

That is your guilt talking. Therefore you know that your basic conscience that tells you when you've done wrong, is working perfectly as God designed.

The problem is that you haven't balanced it out with knowing and believing that God loves you (1 John 4:16), that where sin abounds His grace does much more abound, Rom.5:20.

So, it is necessary that you begin remembering God's abounding grace toward you. So that the evil that you remember that you did will be overcome by good, Rom.12:21.

Also, I'm going to jump back and forth a lot, because, remarkably, despite my wickedness, God seems to be imparting His Grace to me again...Truly Amazing...I seem to be spiritually bipolar. I think that perhaps I'm coming here for help and to testify of His Goodness. May He be lifted up.

Praise the LORD for He is good for His mercy endures forever!

When I was thirteen, I had a scary wake-up call. I was reading about Jesus' hard words concerning predestination one night.
"Only those whom the Father draws can come to me."

That is not concerning predestination, remember what is said in John 3:16 "God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son that whosoever shall believe in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life."

Salvation is not based on God's choice, it's based on man's choice.

Salvation is to all. No one is skipped over to be left out. Remember what God said in Joshua 24:15 "Choose this day whom you shall serve."

All are drawn unto God as stated in Jerem.31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love. Therefore with My lovingkindness I have drawn you."

But not all choose to serve God, to accept His love toward them.

This TERRIFIED ME.

It seems that you had misunderstood the text. Not recalling that Jesus came to save all who are lost.

I knew that my heart was dead at that moment

Your hope had been killed by your inaccurate reading of the text. The scripture states that hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled it is a tree of life, Proverbs 13:12.

.. and that I was going to hell, and even scarier, I couldn't do a thing about it, and I wasn't trusting God and knew that I couldn't make myself trust Him.

You hadn't yet read from the Bible something that could revive your hope and have faith in.

So far, you were in doubt and self condemnation and imagined God's rejection of you.

Years went on and I found different ways to cope with this darkness that was eating away at me. I turned to computer games, friends, television, but I just couldn't shake the inner terror that I was in.
I had another problem, a problem that I knew was feeding this darkness: inappropriate contentography. I wanted to stop, but I just couldn't give it up. I kept choosing to give in and give in.
Finally, when I was 17, I was getting into reading erotic literature and I was beginning to dabble a bit in homosexual fantasies.
Well, I got another wake up call in 2003. My Dad had me read "Pilgrim's Progress" for school(I was homeschooled)

It's unfortunate that he didn't read you scriptures from the Bible that you would hear of God's love for you.

I got to the part about the man in the iron cage. That did it. I gave in to the terror and I felt like I was going to die. I could tell my heart was really hard and that I could do nothing about it. My face burnt with shame at the thought of all the nasty things I'd done.

If only you'd heard the verse in the Bible that says "God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not counting against them their transgressions.", 1 Cor.5:19.

And also Rom.5:8 "God demonstrated His love toward us that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

Then...I forget what book I was reading, but I was reading about God's Grace, and it finally hit me...I couldn't do a thing, but He was more than willing to forgive me and bring me into the Family of God...Christ had taken care of it for me at the cross and I could rest from trying to earn my Salvation...I was over-joyed. I could be free from the sin, guilt and damnation!
I locked myself into the bathroom a couple days before Christmas and pleaded for forgiveness, knowing that He would forgive me. I wanted faith and I wanted it right there and then.
Then...God sent His Spirit to me!

`

You'd think I'd stick with it, after all the darkness and taste of Heaven itself...but I waxed cold in a few weeks...the doubts crept back in...I struggled with predestination again, and it seemed impossible that God would forgive me...then, I started to drift, knowing what the consequences would be. I started ignoring the Spirit again. I knew that I was going to commit the unpardonable sin...
Finally, one day, a few months after asking God to forgive me and coming to an understanding of what Grace was...I gave full control to my sexual desires, and I started blashpeming the Holy Spirit while in the act of sexual sins... i.e. "%!@ you, Holy Spirit! I want to keep sinning! Go away! I don't want to go to Heaven with you anymore!"

Do you not realize that God knew that you were suffering under the condemnation predestination doctrine? Do you not realize that God's love will still abound toward His child who isn't spiritually strong enough to resist the lust of the flesh?

After a few weeks of these terrible acts, He left!

You were a lamb who'd gone astray. The Good Shepherd goes out to find and bring back His sheep.

I knew the consequences would be eternal...

You'd yielded to your flesh, but within the child of God, the inner man still delights in the law of the LORD, Rom.7:22.

The scripture also says that even the most feebly burning wick He will not snuf out, Isaiah 42:3.

My heart died within me. It was as if my soul was a flag and the wind had stopped blowing altogether. I felt a new sensation creep into me from the bottom of my rotten soul: Death itself.

Jesus taught in the gospels that the sower sows the word, and satan comes immediately to take out the word that had been sown.

The devil certainly did a number on you, and got you to believe that it's all your fault. But, the law of the spirit of life in Christ Jesus sets us free from the law of sin and death, Rom.8:2.

I could no longer care for the things of Christ. I cared only for the things of the world from now on...or so I thought?
Life went on, but it just wasn't the same...way deep down inside, I felt so...bad...so terrible...like I'd hurt someone terribly and in the process lost something infinitely huge myself. My empty heart was now totally full of sin.

I once felt like I'd been buried under a pile of the wrong things that I'd done. But even so I'd still had the little light still in my heart. I remembered the Sunday school children's song "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.. I won't let satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine."

Then I found 1 Sam.2:8 "He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap."

Life rolled on and I noticed that my inner world was taking on a different hue. I noticed a spirit of haughtiness within me. I noticed promptings of greed and jealousy. And without the Holy Spirit, I knew I could do nothing to overcome them!

That conclusion is not according to the rightly understood Bible theology.

It looks to me like you have based your statements on inaccurate doctrine, lack of proper Biblical interpretation, wrong thinking, and your feelings.. all prompted by the devil. Add to that, the omission of reading and believing the scriptures that would show you that God loves you.

And apparently no teaching on the exercise of grace in repentance for sins committed.

They became who I was. I was given over to my sin and thought nobody around me could see it. I also noticed a distaste for and desire to flee all good Christian company.

It's terrible what satan will do to the improperly taught.

I knew I'd turned back to my own vomit and couldn't ever turn back. I was now truly lost forever and didn't care.

You had merely accepted satan's lies.

I appeared normal to everyone around me, my Christian friends and family, and I also kept up Christian appearances as well.
I did not speak to another soul about any of this until much later in my life.

Early 2004 was an eventful year for me. I resisted the Holy Spirit until he gave me up to sexual desires and spiritual blindness/impotency...I fell into what I thought was love that year, and I also met who is now my wife.
Also, at the end of 2004 is where my troubles REALLY began and persist to this day.
That October, I fell into my terror again because I became convinced that I somehow had cancer and was going to die, and then I remembered what I'd done earlier that year...I'd blasphemed the Spirit!

A truly lost person wouldn't care. But you do. So you're not lost.

I turned to God for help and to pray, but I felt stopped up in my heart every time I did so. I sensed no call again to repentance and God's word no longer gave me any comfort, not a SINGLE OUNCE!

I suppose it could be described that you stood knocking at a closed door. And had no faith that it would open.

However, I suggest that the devil had so tricked you that you only imagined that the door was closed.

I had a dream of that once. I thought that the door to God was closed, I'd turned to walk away, but then the hand of God reached through that 'closed door' and grabbed me from the back of my clothes and yanked through the 'closed door' to be near Him.

I contracted asthma and bronchitis from my terror and I was filled with nothing but dread at the thought of Jesus. This is when I started getting REALLY sinful.

Where sin abounds, God's grace does much more aboud.

I continued in my sin all this while, grovelling in the darkness...and the darkness got blacker and blacker. I started to recover and I began to get into really heinous sexual acts, acts which really degraded my soul...the shame became unbearable and I couldn't live with myself, yet I continued...
I eventually picked up a girlfriend...told her I was going to marry her JUST so I could sleep with her. I dragged her into all kinds of sin... I felt awful for doing this and I got way more miserable after that...After two years of agony with her, she finally got away from the scourge that I was and got into college. I continued blindly in my sin, and now, after that relationship, I was hurting and bitter...and lazy...
I was twenty-two after the ordeal with that poor girl and still lived with my parents. Remember the woman I mentioned who is now my wife? We were just now becoming friends. I found her fun, and also, she was a Christian, which is ironic, considering the wretched state I was in.
By all appearances, I seemed to be a very nice nominal Christian fellow. I knew all the words, how to keep up the part...yet, my heart was growing uglier by the year and I was inwardly believing strange things...but I never really let myself quite believe that there was no God. I knew there was one...and I had to figure out how to get back to Him.
Also, I was extremely prideful.
I learned how to make music. I became really successful, actually. I loved the attention I got in church and abroad for my talent(This makes me feel really gross and really terrifies me concerning Jesus' words about those who like to sit in the high places).

Everyone wants to be liked. For people to appreciate your musical talent. There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel that.

I kept getting promptings to marry the woman I was friends with, but, as she wasn't up to my standards physically, I scorned and fought TOOTH AND NAIL to subdue my tender feelings to her.

God sent you a Christian woman, one who would be an example that God looks on the heart and not upon any qualification of the flesh, 1 Sam.16:7.

I was also afraid that I'd wind up hurting her like I did the last girl I was with, so I used that as an excuse to keep putting it off...
Everytime I'd harden my heart towards her...I'd get really nasty...I'd do brutal/terrible things to God's creatures and I'd plot all kinds of really wicked things...and all the time, people around me still saw me as that "nice Christian guy" I had become a sadist and I truly hated God...I was so twisted it was frightening...and at the time...my conscience wasn't bothering me at all!(or so I thought)

Over and over there are examples in your testimony that you were not as lost as you thought.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I started seeking Christ again, truly, with an aim to admit and give up my sin...however, my heart kept on rotting...and I eventually came to realize my lost condition again...that got scary...because this time, I already knew I was in hell.

The hell that satan devised for you.

Somehow I started reading about testimonies of those who had died in their sins...This is what nearly lead me to die in the first place. Satan really tightened his grip on my neck. I looked back on all I had done and said and all the promptings I had ignored from God. I began to feel the fires of hell scorch my heart. I suddenly knew it was too late for me. I was truly and finally damned. My sin and hatred for God looked so black to me I thought that this must certainly be true. People noticed this time. I stopped doing everything, it took terrible effort just to eat. My family was genuinely concerned, I told my parents and brothers that I loved them, and they kept telling me about God's Grace, and that I hadn't committed the unpardonable sin, but I just couldn't shake it.

God had them nearby to speak His comfort to you, His child.

I don't know if the Holy Spirit has left me forever or not, but I do know that He DEFINITELY gave me over to my sin, and ouch...you don't want to be given over to your sin...there isn't anything good about it, it's a WRETCHED STATE! You always get more than you asked for and it always takes you way further than you intend to go.
I'm still wading through hell. I must deal with the reality of the things I've done. I know God is Gracious, and I also know that He is Just. I don't want to be a vessel of Wrath, but my life and choices scream out to me that I am.

Your guilt which is unbalanced by God's love toward you, screams it so loudly that you don't pay attention to the words of grace from people in your life.

I want to go to heaven desperately, to escape my wicked self and the darkness I've coddled for so long. I know that God can forgive all this wickedness, but it's the question of whether He will or not that really frightens me.

You just said that you know that God will forgive you. So erase the but and all that follows it.

I know that it started with me turning down His offer of salvation to me, and it TERRIFIES me to think of that offer he made to me in the winter of 2003 as being the last one, as I was so convinced then that it was.

You convinced yourself of something that isn't true.

Yet...I seem to be on the road to recovery, and I don't know how this is so...the bitterness is gone, the pride seems to be melting away(pride is tricky) certain sins seem to be loosing their grip on me...Seems like the Lord is whispering His Wisdom and His Love to me again. I keep getting promptings to lay down my doubts and stand in Him and for Him.(This takes courage? Something I never had) It's as if I'm at the Fountain, and my heart and soul are, after years and years, getting just the tiniest trickle of His life. Obedience to Him seems so blessed to me now and it seems that I've found the very beginning of true purpose in my life.

You should hang on to that. Hang on by praising God every day. Every time you realize that your thinking along the path that leads to the darkness that you had become familiar with.

In the midst of the terrible doubts and fears of being eternally done for, I get glimmers of Who He is and who I am in Him.

I know that, regardless of what happens to me, it's all about Him...yet I still doubt, still think it's too late.

Was that the unpardonable sin? Telling the Holy Spirit to %!@# off in one giant movement of the sinful heart? How could it be anything else? People tell me that that's not blaspheming the Spirit, but it sure seems like it to me. If so, I'm always going to be lost...

There is only one sort of Christian who qualifies to truly irrevocably blaspheme the Holy Spirit, and you don't qualify.

What you have done in all the various sins that you've mentioned, is as a child in a tantrum, yielded to your flesh. That is not grounds for being sent to hell.

God is a good God, our heavenly Father who loves His children. He would discipline you, that comes by your perfectly functioning conscience that tells you that you've done wrong. Therefore repent. Apologize for acting like a child, hug your heavenly Father and go on with your day, and your life and know and believe that God loves you.

 

[Susan Swanger Zipf]

Hello everyone,
I posted here a year and a half ago. I was in very bad shape. I nearly died because I was awake eight days straight and overdrinking/overdosing because I thought that I was damned for all eternity.

If you had genuinely blasphemed the Holy Spirit, it wouldn't even bother you. You wouldn't care. The fact that you DO care tells me that God never completely let you go. Come back to Him, and tell the Devil to look forward to his destiny - without you. You'll be in Heaven, telling people, "I gotta tell you how faithful Jesus was to me, even though I wasn't faithful to Him."

 

[Lucas Sleasman]

Hello everyone,
I posted here a year and a half ago. I was in very bad shape. I nearly died because I was awake eight days straight and overdrinking/overdosing because I thought that I was damned for all eternity.

I'm going to re-tell my story in a more honest light(and therefore more scatter-brained) so that someone might be able to help me. Looking back over my life, my wickedness shocks me...it's as if I can't quite believe what I've done and been...I don't deserve help...at all...
Also, I'm going to jump back and forth a lot, because, remarkably, despite my wickedness, God seems to be imparting His Grace to me again...Truly Amazing...I seem to be spiritually bipolar. I think that perhaps I'm coming here for help and to testify of His Goodness. May He be lifted up.

When I was thirteen, I had a scary wake-up call. I was reading about Jesus' hard words concerning predestination one night.
"Only those whom the Father draws can come to me."
This TERRIFIED ME.
I knew that my heart was dead at that moment and that I was going to hell, and even scarier, I couldn't do a thing about it, and I wasn't trusting God and knew that I couldn't make myself trust Him.
Years went on and I found different ways to cope with this darkness that was eating away at me. I turned to computer games, friends, television, but I just couldn't shake the inner terror that I was in.
I had another problem, a problem that I knew was feeding this darkness: inappropriate contentography. I wanted to stop, but I just couldn't give it up. I kept choosing to give in and give in.
Finally, when I was 17, I was getting into reading erotic literature and I was beginning to dabble a bit in homosexual fantasies.
Well, I got another wake up call in 2003. My Dad had me read "Pilgrim's Progress" for school(I was homeschooled)
I got to the part about the man in the iron cage. That did it. I gave in to the terror and I felt like I was going to die. I could tell my heart was really hard and that I could do nothing about it. My face burnt with shame at the thought of all the nasty things I'd done.
Then...I forget what book I was reading, but I was reading about God's Grace, and it finally hit me...I couldn't do a thing, but He was more than willing to forgive me and bring me into the Family of God...Christ had taken care of it for me at the cross and I could rest from trying to earn my Salvation...I was over-joyed. I could be free from the sin, guilt and damnation!
I locked myself into the bathroom a couple days before Christmas and pleaded for forgiveness, knowing that He would forgive me. I wanted faith and I wanted it right there and then.
Then...God sent His Spirit to me!

You'd think I'd stick with it, after all the darkness and taste of Heaven itself...but I waxed cold in a few weeks...the doubts crept back in...I struggled with predestination again, and it seemed impossible that God would forgive me...then, I started to drift, knowing what the consequences would be. I started ignoring the Spirit again. I knew that I was going to commit the unpardonable sin...
Finally, one day, a few months after asking God to forgive me and coming to an understanding of what Grace was...I gave full control to my sexual desires, and I started blashpeming the Holy Spirit while in the act of sexual sins... i.e. "%!@ you, Holy Spirit! I want to keep sinning! Go away! I don't want to go to Heaven with you anymore!"
After a few weeks of these terrible acts, He left! I knew the consequences would be eternal...
My heart died within me. It was as if my soul was a flag and the wind had stopped blowing altogether. I felt a new sensation creep into me from the bottom of my rotten soul: Death itself.
I could no longer care for the things of Christ. I cared only for the things of the world from now on...or so I thought?
Life went on, but it just wasn't the same...way deep down inside, I felt so...bad...so terrible...like I'd hurt someone terribly and in the process lost something infinitely huge myself. My empty heart was now totally full of sin.

Life rolled on and I noticed that my inner world was taking on a different hue. I noticed a spirit of haughtiness within me. I noticed promptings of greed and jealousy. And without the Holy Spirit, I knew I could do nothing to overcome them! They became who I was. I was given over to my sin and thought nobody around me could see it. I also noticed a distaste for and desire to flee all good Christian company. I knew I'd turned back to my own vomit and couldn't ever turn back. I was now truly lost forever and didn't care.
I appeared normal to everyone around me, my Christian friends and family, and I also kept up Christian appearances as well.
I did not speak to another soul about any of this until much later in my life.

Early 2004 was an eventful year for me. I resisted the Holy Spirit until he gave me up to sexual desires and spiritual blindness/impotency...I fell into what I thought was love that year, and I also met who is now my wife.
Also, at the end of 2004 is where my troubles REALLY began and persist to this day.
That October, I fell into my terror again because I became convinced that I somehow had cancer and was going to die, and then I remembered what I'd done earlier that year...I'd blasphemed the Spirit! I turned to God for help and to pray, but I felt stopped up in my heart every time I did so. I sensed no call again to repentance and God's word no longer gave me any comfort, not a SINGLE OUNCE!
I contracted asthma and bronchitis from my terror and I was filled with nothing but dread at the thought of Jesus. This is when I started getting REALLY sinful.
I continued in my sin all this while, grovelling in the darkness...and the darkness got blacker and blacker. I started to recover and I began to get into really heinous sexual acts, acts which really degraded my soul...the shame became unbearable and I couldn't live with myself, yet I continued...
I eventually picked up a girlfriend...told her I was going to marry her JUST so I could sleep with her. I dragged her into all kinds of sin... I felt awful for doing this and I got way more miserable after that...After two years of agony with her, she finally got away from the scourge that I was and got into college. I continued blindly in my sin, and now, after that relationship, I was hurting and bitter...and lazy...
I was twenty-two after the ordeal with that poor girl and still lived with my parents. Remember the woman I mentioned who is now my wife? We were just now becoming friends. I found her fun, and also, she was a Christian, which is ironic, considering the wretched state I was in.
By all appearances, I seemed to be a very nice nominal Christian fellow. I knew all the words, how to keep up the part...yet, my heart was growing uglier by the year and I was inwardly believing strange things...but I never really let myself quite believe that there was no God. I knew there was one...and I had to figure out how to get back to Him.
Also, I was extremely prideful.
I learned how to make music. I became really successful, actually. I loved the attention I got in church and abroad for my talent(This makes me feel really gross and really terrifies me concerning Jesus' words about those who like to sit in the high places)
I kept getting promptings to marry the woman I was friends with, but, as she wasn't up to my standards physically, I scorned and fought TOOTH AND NAIL to subdue my tender feelings to her. I was also afraid that I'd wind up hurting her like I did the last girl I was with, so I used that as an excuse to keep putting it off...
Everytime I'd harden my heart towards her...I'd get really nasty...I'd do brutal/terrible things to God's creatures and I'd plot all kinds of really wicked things...and all the time, people around me still saw me as that "nice Christian guy" I had become a sadist and I truly hated God...I was so twisted it was frightening...and at the time...my conscience wasn't bothering me at all!(or so I thought)
It wasn't until a few years ago that I started seeking Christ again, truly, with an aim to admit and give up my sin...however, my heart kept on rotting...and I eventually came to realize my lost condition again...that got scary...because this time, I already knew I was in hell.
Somehow I started reading about testimonies of those who had died in their sins...This is what nearly lead me to die in the first place. Satan really tightened his grip on my neck. I looked back on all I had done and said and all the promptings I had ignored from God. I began to feel the fires of hell scorch my heart. I suddenly knew it was too late for me. I was truly and finally damned. My sin and hatred for God looked so black to me I thought that this must certainly be true. People noticed this time. I stopped doing everything, it took terrible effort just to eat. My family was genuinely concerned, I told my parents and brothers that I loved them, and they kept telling me about God's Grace, and that I hadn't committed the unpardonable sin, but I just couldn't shake it.


I don't know if the Holy Spirit has left me forever or not, but I do know that He DEFINITELY gave me over to my sin, and ouch...you don't want to be given over to your sin...there isn't anything good about it, it's a WRETCHED STATE! You always get more than you asked for and it always takes you way further than you intend to go.
I'm still wading through hell. I must deal with the reality of the things I've done. I know God is Gracious, and I also know that He is Just. I don't want to be a vessel of Wrath, but my life and choices scream out to me that I am.
I want to go to heaven desperately, to escape my wicked self and the darkness I've coddled for so long. I know that God can forgive all this wickedness, but it's the question of whether He will or not that really frightens me. I know that it started with me turning down His offer of salvation to me, and it TERRIFIES me to think of that offer he made to me in the winter of 2003 as being the last one, as I was so convinced then that it was.


Yet...I seem to be on the road to recovery, and I don't know how this is so...the bitterness is gone, the pride seems to be melting away(pride is tricky) certain sins seem to be loosing their grip on me...Seems like the Lord is whispering His Wisdom and His Love to me again. I keep getting promptings to lay down my doubts and stand in Him and for Him.(This takes courage? Something I never had) It's as if I'm at the Fountain, and my heart and soul are, after years and years, getting just the tiniest trickle of His life. Obedience to Him seems so blessed to me now and it seems that I've found the very beginning of true purpose in my life. In the midst of the terrible doubts and fears of being eternally done for, I get glimmers of Who He is and who I am in Him. I know that, regardless of what happens to me, it's all about Him...yet I still doubt, still think it's too late. Was that the unpardonable sin? Telling the Holy Spirit to %!@# off in one giant movement of the sinful heart? How could it be anything else? People tell me that that's not blaspheming the Spirit, but it sure seems like it to me. If so, I'm always going to be lost...

I'm going to start with this, because this is the most important part. The fact that you are seeking the holy spirit means that you ABSOLUTELY HAVE NOT blasphemed it away. If you had blasphemed it away you would be trying to save yourself through your own works which is impossible. We are saved by faith, and show our faith through works. Remember God and Jesus love you very much and they want you in heaven with them. So they will fight tooth and nail to give you the holy spirit.

Please read all of the rest and everything you need to know will be readily available to you.

So what can you do about this. Well for me I've recently given my life to Jesus for the third time now, and even though I am making a lot of mistakes, I'm sticking with my decision. I'm still a sinner, and I sin almost every day of my life. This does not mean I am not saved though.

Here's what I want you to focus on. First you must fully surrender your life to Jesus and admit that you are a sinner. Only a full surrender here will set you free. Next, you will require knowledge of your sins and the scriptures. I suggest you try and read the bible daily if even one page a day. I will give you a list of the Ten Commandments here, and the 17 deadly sins to help you identify what sins might have a hold on you.

The Ten Commandments

1. I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

3 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

4 Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the LORD made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the LORD blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

5 Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee.

6 Thou shalt not kill.

7 Thou shalt not commit adultery.

8 Thou shalt not steal.

9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

10 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

The 17 sins of the flesh

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions, envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

The definition of these words can be a bit confusing so let me turn you to a modern day translation that Wade M. Hughes Sr. made. This will give you an explanation of what the sins are and how they are a part of your life. There are two pages in this link so check out both pages.

Know The 17 Works Of The Flesh?

Now that you know what your sins are you must confess them. Do not leave one sin out because God and Jesus know each one and the one that you don't confess will not be forgiven. The feelings of dread and being lost that you have you are now going to use to your advantage. This is a sign that you believe that your sins are wrong.

This leads us to the second to final step in your transformation. Repent your sins because you know that they are wrong. When you confess them all and repent, a huge weight will be lifted off of your heart. Your burden will now be carried by the holy spirit and no burden is too big for the holy spirit.

In the final step you must show your repentance. Since you know your sins are wrong, you must put in the effort to avoid them. Run from your sins and don't do them willfully. There's no way to completely avoid sin. You are always subject to sin while you are in this flesh.

So what do you do now? Well if you are inevitably going to sin no matter how hard you try, you will confess all of your new sins as soon as they happen. There are a lot of struggles that come to people that are newly converted to Christianity, but those struggles can be overcome as long as you continue to confess your sins. Remember you are never alone because the holy spirit is their to help you with your burden.

Now to show your new faith you'll want to get yourself baptized again to publicly show your remission of sins. Then you can work on a testimony for how the holy spirit helped you with all of your troubles.

Do all the things I have told you and you will be saved. But remember if you don't confess to God through Jesus, you can backslide. Jesus said if you love me you will keep my commandments. So if you are having trouble with your love; read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to hear the story of Jesus. You'll see how his powerful love saved and divided the world.

If you have trouble with even one step, or if you don't understand one single part about this, contact me right away. My door is always open to anyone that is trouble. Remember I love you and I will pray for you. Lean on me and I will show you how to get to the holy spirit. But the rest you need to do. I'll be on your side while you are searching for your way.

 

[Susan Swanger Zipf]

I saw a statement on here somewhere (can't find it now) that said "All mental illness is caused by demonic attack."

I have to state with no doubt whatsoever that this is a false statement. I would go so far as to say it is a lie.
I am missing a large portion of my 22nd chromosome. I was born with the deficit, and that part missing usually means either life-long major depression, schizophrenia, or autism. I've been depressed since before kindergarten. I have three autistic sons, and all have the missing part of that gene as well. In addition, one of those sons has major depression, at age 13 (Diagnosed at age 9)

These are NOT demonic attacks, any more than Down's Syndrome is a demonic attack. Whoever wrote that did so in ignorance, which is why I post this correction. Yes, sometimes demonic attack can cause depression. But sometimes it can cause illness as well. Is all physical illness demonic attacks? Of course not.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

DeadorDyingWanderer where are you!!!! please i hope god gets this message to you, i pray for it. i am going through exactly what you went through almost word for word. from the empty lost feeling to the cancer anxiety, i feel damned!! please reach out to me!

Brother, I feel this too.. you are not alone. God loves you.