Affair changed my life drastically!

[Chowder17]

Ill try not to make this too lengthy. I have been majorly struggling since September of 2011. My husband has been addicted to video games and making videos on youtube for years. He was neglectful and gave me about 10 minutes of his time a day but only when I complained that he never gave me anytime. I felt very lonely and hurt being his wife. We have tried counseling at the church but with him it went in one ear and out the other. It didnt seem to help at all. So eventually I started going out with my girlfriends and I met someone. I started having an affair. My husband found out and still to this day Its like he doesnt care enough to figure out what went wrong. Hes still the same person doing what hes been doing for years. Only for a day did it seem it really hit him when I mentioned I was getting remarried, then he said he wanted his wife and family back. Im still really hurt when I think of it. My life has changed drastically, my living situation, job, time with the kids. I have lost myself and am not who I use to be, Ive run wild and am trying to get back to GOD. My family disowned me and we havent talked since. Im lonely, Im lost and thinking and considering doing things I havent before. I cant believe what Ive done to my life and where Im at today. I do really love the man Im with now, we are still together. We talk about marraige and kids but I dont want to make the same mistake over again. I want to make sure he is the one. Though Ive always wanted a man on fire for GOD and a passion to serve (which he does) not just a guy that goes to church just because I say so, I cant get past this: How will GOD bless our relationship when it started out in sin? Do I keep trying to make it work with my husband? Do I keep going on building with this new relationship? But then I know GOD can turn anything around. My new guy encourages all the things Ive ever wanted in a man without me having to mention it, going to church - which we do, serving others, changing our lives to live the way GOD wants. He reads me scripture and is trying to get me back to the point to where I was with GOD. Just seems I cant accept this guys love and Im afraid to proceed further. He has no children I do and I feel like some guys look at single moms as tainted. Im very insecure with that...
Im so confused and afraid. Life is so unpredictable and I dont know what to do about anything and Im afraid to be alone.

 

[JTC_DayByDay]

My advice, and it is probably not what you want to hear, you need to cut off all contact with this man that you are having an affair with. Sorry to say, but it sounds like you have made some very selfish choices. I don't mean to be judgmental. I've done some very selfish things in my life too. Ask yourself this, what type of honorable Christian man sleeps with another man's wife? Can you see how skewed this is? This man has already demonstrated that he has no respect for you or your children. If he did, you guys wouldn't be in an adulterous relationship. Sight unseen, I'd bet the farm that if you were to refrain from being sexually intimate with this guy, he'd be on to his next conquest.

I don't have all the answers. As I have indicated, I'm a sinner too. We all are. One thing that my own divorce has taught me, is that when one spouse depends on the other for happiness, the relationship is doomed. We all must learn to put Christ at the center of lives and depend on the Lord in all things. In a marriage the same is true. Christ must be at the center.

It sounds like you are in the "honeymoon" phase of your new relationship. Everything is new and exciting. I understand the appeal of starting over with someone new. Trust me though, problems will crop up eventually. While the task of going back to your husband may seem daunting, I get the sense that somewhere down deep you know this is the right thing to do. It will NOT be easy. From the little you shared, it sounds like your husband is a good man, albeit with issues and distorted priorities. I've seen couples reconcile from much more difficult situations than you described. For the sake of your children, I hope you choose the difficult task of repairing your marriage. Like I said, it won't be easy. It won't be something that you "want" to do. All you need to do is be "willing" to try. It may sound cliche, but nothing worthwhile in life is easy.

Lastly, you mentioned that you are lonely and considering doing things that hadn't before. Perhaps I'm jumping to conclussions, but if you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself, you need to talk to someone ASAP. This is a very common feeling especially in situations like yours.

Anyway, please know that I will praying for you, your marriage and your kids.

-John

 

[LinkH]

Your post reminds me of this passage from Proverbs 7, but it is reversed where the woman does something that appears to be spiritual.

Proverbs 7

6 For at the window of my house
I looked through my lattice,
7 And saw among the simple,
I perceived among the youths,
A young man devoid of understanding,
8 Passing along the street near her corner;
And he took the path to her house
9 In the twilight, in the evening,
In the black and dark night.

10 And there a woman met him,With the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart.
11 She was loud and rebellious,
Her feet would not stay at home.
12 At times she was outside, at times in the open square,
Lurking at every corner.
13 So she caught him and kissed him;
With an impudent face she said to him:
14 “I have peace offerings with me;
Today I have paid my vows.
15 So I came out to meet you,
Diligently to seek your face,
And I have found you.
16 I have spread my bed with tapestry,
Colored coverings of Egyptian linen.
17 I have perfumed my bed
With myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.
18 Come, let us take our fill of love until morning;
Let us delight ourselves with love.
19 For my husband is not at home;
He has gone on a long journey;
20 He has taken a bag of money with him,
And will come home on the appointed day.”
(NKJV)

Here, the woman entices a young man, even telling him about the vows she fulfilled. Back then, they would make vows to the Lord. You could vow a sheep, sacrifice it, and take home some of the meat and eat it. She invited him to eat some barbecue, but there is also the religious overtone. She had vowed and made offerings to the Lord and wanted to share it with him. But just how spiritual could she be if she were willing to commit adultery and cheat on her husband? How spiritual is this man who goes to church with you?


Do you think the Lord was pleased with this woman's sacrifice, assuming she was telling the truth? Do you think the Lord was happy with her life, since she lived in adultery, and was concerned enough about the Lord, perhaps, to offer sacrifices to him?

Your husband may have his faults, but God doesn't deserve for you to commit adultery against Him. It is the Lord's commandment not to commit adultery. Do what is right to be faithful to Him.

This scripture may also speak to your situation.

I Corinthians 7
10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband.

11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife.
(NKJV)

 

[dayhiker]

Chowder - really sorry you husband treated you the way he has. There are thousands of women out there who have been in your shoes.

 

[UK Fred]

Chowder, I think you know what to do.

I think you just need some help and encouragement to do it.

But the first thing you nbeed to do is to get out of the fog. So stop seeing this OM now. If you must have one last contact, then send a text to tell him that you are not going to see him again, ever and no more. No I love yous, no it breaks my heart to, simply "This relationship is wrong and I have decided it stops now. Please do not make any attempt to contact me. If you do, I will tell my husband that I tried to break it off and you contacted me and I will tell my husband how to find you". And then stick to that.

Secondly, get a medical and have yourself checked out for STD's. If you are able to be reconciled to your husband, then the last thing you need to give him is a reminder of your affair. Best have yourself checked out sooner than later, and there is a likeliehood that there will be less damage to your body if you do.

Thirdly, you need to have a long talk with your husband. Confess all to him, because if you do not, and he finds out from another source, he will be more unhappy than if you do tell him. You may need to then talk through with your husband whether your marriage does have a future. You may need to have relatiohsip counselling. Your husband may simply 'kick you to the kerb'. But to try to have a relationship with someone which is based on hiding something that is a potential deal breaker is very risky.

You may want to have a chat with your church pastor or an older married lady from church before you approach your husband, because you might want some support when you tell your husband what has been going on.

You may want to get some women's views on this too, and I would recommend looking at blogs like "To Love, Honor and Vacuum", "The Generous Wife" and "One Flesh Marriage" and you may even try e-mailing the writiers of the blogs to seeif they will reply.Lori Byerly, The Generous Wife, is one fo the founders of "The Marriage Bed", together with her husband, which also has lively advice and debate forums and has a specific section on infidelity with numerous people who have been in your situation and also in your husband's situation who will tell you how they felt/reacted when they tried to put right wrongs in their marriage.

What I have said is simple, but not easy. I will be praying for your continued walk with the LORD as you work your way through this difficult situation.

 

[vcs]

Praying for you sis.

 

[Holiday]

I've been on the other side of this (been cheated on) do you have kids with your husband?

If you do, then I would dump the other man in a heartbeat. That is something that I had tried to get thru to my husband (how can you be with a woman who was ok cheating WITH you on your KIDS and wife)

Good luck

 

[Puptart]

I think life is all about being happy, and if you aren't happy then you need to change something that will result in happiness for your life. Right now I don't think leaving the man you're with will make you happy, but rather letting go of the past so that you can move forward with your life is probably what will do the trick. You're dragging yourself back into the past in your mind allowing yourself to re-live the pain you went through with your first husband and the fact that it drove you to do things you never thought you'd probably do -- and then you try to use that against yourself. Maybe you tell yourself you don't deserve the guy you're with.

Well I'm here to tell you that you do in fact deserve him, regardless how you got together. That's in the past and you can't change the past. Breaking up with your current love will not make the mistakes of the past disappear. Instead, you simply have to learn to deal. Reconcile your emotions from the past and move on. Then, you can be happy.

You're treating this situation like a punishment: I should punish myself for what I did by shattering my new life. And what's worse are the people who would encourage you to do so. Well, don't. If you've got a good thing, don't let it slip away, because they don't always come along so easily.

I would suggest you get counseling (non-Christian because you don't need any more of this "leave him" business pumped at you for religious reasons) in order to overcome the guilt you seem to have entrenched yourself in. You need to learn to forgive yourself, and I don't say that in a religious sense.

----

On a side note... My ex-husband was similar: Addicted to video games and never gave me the time of day unless we were fighting (usually over his addiction or his lack of interest in me in any way). I had a few emotional affairs trying to fill the void, but finally one day left him. When I left, I started dating my current husband very soon after, while my ex and I were separated. When the divorce was final, my husband proposed almost immediately. We married 6 months after, and we've been together for five very happy years thus far.

I wouldn't be in a happy place right now, though, if I had let the guilt eat me alive for how my first marriage ended. I've made my peace with the past and my mistakes, and am fully committed to my present and my future rather than the past.

 

[sbmullin]

I have read all the replies on here and I reckon I am about the only one here that has been in her exact shoes. I had affair with the worship leader at our church. We were on the team together. I had past marraiges(s) and I won' t say the number for it to be judged, where I had been physically and mentally abused in each one and been left, no I did not leave them, for other women. This affair was like a dream to me at first even though I knew emphatically it was wrong. By the time the whole thing blew I was a wreck mentally, spiritually & physically. Stress takes a huge toll on our health. The only thing I could do, and I mean absolutely the only thing I could do was fall on my face literally before Almighty God. There was not a single voice on earth that I wanted to hear. Ps. 51 Everyday for months I did this, and one day Jesus came to me and He showed me Himself up on that cross. Even though the blood and the torture were there the thing He really showed me was my sin being laid on Him and His Father turning His face away. I was at work in my office when He came and I fell on the floor literally screaming God why, God why did you do it, and the most awesome words flowed from His heart too me, He said "Because I love you with all of my heart" I could not breathe, the sight was so overwhelming, I could not imagine the sins of the world on Him, mine were so enormous, For days after that the guilt and shame I felt were so overwhelming that at times I wanted to die. I would tell God I am no use to you now you might as well take me home or send me to hell where I deserve too be. Eventually He began to heal me but it has taken years to do so. I still fall on my face daily before Almight God because I know how wretched I am and what I am capable of. I must wholly and fully rely on His righteousness. The world or the church may never forgive but Almighty God will. You must ask in faith and believe that He paid a huge price for you to be free. I agree with most everything that has been writted to you. You need to get away from this guy. I did and it was the best thing that happened to me because it put all my life back into perspective. You never know what God will do. As time went by the guy I had the affair with divorced, his wife refused to forgive him and somehow God allowed us to start a realtionship the right way. (I know this astounds most of you, simply becasue you do not understand the Fathers heart you only read His rules) Eventually we married and in the midst He gave us a beautiful son. He restored fellowship with all sides of the issue including the ex wife who remarried. We can never presume to speak for God but His laws and His instructions a very clear. When we break those laws and move outside the boundaries of His word we will fail and we fail miserably. Sin not only affects you, but a multitude of others as well. Make sure you are willing to pay the price, because it is very high! My thoughts and prayers will be with you because this is the most difficult journey you will ever walk on. I pray that someone will be willing to set aside their preconceived ideas and walk with you and help you return to the Lord fully restored. This is God's desire for you because as He said to me "He loves you with all of His heart as well" and Calvary prooves it!