Advise, PLEASE!!!

[mixiejoeusa]

I'm single and I need some advise from someone who is married. I just found out that my best friends husband, cheated on his wife 2 years ago. There was no intercourse, but there was kissing and he told this women that he was going to leave his wife (my best friend) if the women would allow it. They talked on the phone and met about 10 times in a mth. Do I tell my best friend or do I let the women who was cheating on with her husband tell her? I just found out, because the women who did this, I know and is one of my friends and wants to tell her, but I feel sooo bad when I talk to my best friend. She told me she was going to tell the married women herself...but I am so confused!!!!!!!

I just found this out yesterday...and I feel like my mind is going crazy of the guilt IO have keeping this from my friend......

I have never been married and I don't want to hurt my friend, but I feel she has a right to know.

Would you all want to know???
Would you wantt o hear it from a friend or from her?
How would you feel if you knew your best friend kept this from you, only for the women to tell you?

please be honest...I just don't know what to do?

 

[InTheFlame]

My opinion is to let the woman involved tell your friend - IF she has no nasty reason to do so... ie. if she isn't trying to split them up, or get revenge. While it's good to be protective of your friends, I think ideally it's best to step back from things that didn't involve you, and let the people involved sort it out.

 

[GirlieGirl]

No sex? Don't believe that for a minute. Men do not leave their wives for a woman that isn't putting out.

Stay out of this. You will only open a whole can of worms. She will ask you questions that you won't be able to answer. She may not believe you and the other woman may deny it too. You don't have enough info to continue. And I don't think you were told the whole truth regardless.

 

[bliz]

First, you do not know what is and is not true about this situation.

You are assuming that the women who claims to have had an affair with your best friend's husband is now telling you the truth. That's a somewhat problematic assumption. There may or may not have been an affair. People who have been spurned have been known to make up things about the one who rejected them. It may or may not have been as sexless as she claims. The phone calls could have been innocent or they could have been passionate. Or they might not have eve been made. You don't know and you have no way of knowing.

Second, you do not know what your friend knows and does not know about the affair. Her husband may have told her. She may have known through other means. She could be totally unaware.

Why is the self-professed cheater bearing her soul to you? Was she seeking your advice? What is her motivation in telling your friend? Repentence? Apology? To get attention? To rub the wife's nose in it?

There's way too much here that I don't know, so I don't know how to advise you. But if I were in your situation, I would want to know as many of these things as possible before I took action.

 

[Joshua J. Daigle]

No sex? Don't believe that for a minute. Men do not leave their wives for a woman that isn't putting out.

That is, quite honestly, a statement made out of ignorance.

I too, however, agree that you should not get involved. This woman you speak of may not be being honest with you. In which case, if you go and tell your friend about things which may or may not be true, the ensuing rift that may be caused will fall on your shoulders. If she tells your friend, then she tells her. If it does happen, and things do go bad, then be there for your friend for emotional support. But it may be best to keep that can of worms closed.

Just my opinion though.

Joshua

 

[CLN]

I'm single and I need some advise from someone who is married. I just found out that my best friends husband, cheated on his wife 2 years ago. There was no intercourse, but there was kissing and he told this women that he was going to leave his wife (my best friend) if the women would allow it. They talked on the phone and met about 10 times in a mth. Do I tell my best friend or do I let the women who was cheating on with her husband tell her? I just found out, because the women who did this, I know and is one of my friends and wants to tell her, but I feel sooo bad when I talk to my best friend. She told me she was going to tell the married women herself...but I am so confused!!!!!!!

I just found this out yesterday...and I feel like my mind is going crazy of the guilt IO have keeping this from my friend......

I have never been married and I don't want to hurt my friend, but I feel she has a right to know.

Would you all want to know???
Would you wantt o hear it from a friend or from her?
How would you feel if you knew your best friend kept this from you, only for the women to tell you?

please be honest...I just don't know what to do?

I would be hurt that you didn't tell me already. You have to expect that. You should tell her if you really are her best friend. You owe her a big apology.

 

[Svt4Him]

Like grabbing a dog by both ears is someone who gets involved in other's affairs.

 

[Katydid]

I have been in the middle of a situation just like this one, only difference was, my husband's best friend and my best friend were married. My husband knew things, and I just thought, maybe it wasn't all that bad. Then my best friend started crying to me about how she was this horrible wife, because she was doubting him. She thought SHE was horrible because she thought he was cheating. So I told her. Now in our case, things worked out in the end, but not before they had recieved counseling and had asked for forgiveness from me. It had gotten quite complicated, he spread rumors about me (at the time my husband was deployed, and he made sure they made it to my husband), he made threatening phone calls to me, and he basically made my life a living hell at the time. The only thing that got my friend and I through it was our preacher. He took us off to the side and said, "Don't fight between yourselves, God has made you sisters at a time when you both need the other." It was the WORST 3 months of my life. When he did finally come completely clean, he asked for forgiveness and we all forgave each other. Then my husband came back and the husband had to ask for forgiveness from him. We actually did not end up keeping in touch after they moved. I think partially because we were memories of a very difficult time in their marriage. I miss them, but I feel that we needed to let them go.

Basically, I guess, my point is, you need to be willing to put up with what comes AFTER the facts are out before you decide to say anything.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Tell.
Just do it.
That's what I would want. I wouldn't want a close friend to keep this from me.

 

[Southern Cross]

I would want my friend to tell me if something like this was going on. All I'd need them to say is, "Here is what I've heard, it may be true or it could be a lie. But you need to check it out because either way it's going to hurt your marriage." Then let me go ask the questions. The truth will come to light some how, some way. You don't really need to be involved in what happens.

 

[Jill Ann]

Can you imagine if you found out your "best friend" had information like this about your husband and took it upon herself to keep it from you??? That would feel like a betrayal in itself and I would think anyone would be outraged at their "friend" for making this choice.

Of course you should tell your friend what you have heard. No, it's not your place to stay in the middle of it and try to figure out who's telling the truth and who's lying, but you do owe it to her to let her know what is being said about HER husband and HER marriage.

If there is an affair, then she already "knows" something is wrong in her marriage, she just doesn't know exactly what it is, and she probably is struggling with self-doubt and wondering why she feels crazy at times when all along her husband has been telling her everything is hunky-dory. If there isn't an affair, don't you think she and her husband have a right to know there is some crazy lady out there making these horrendous accusations and claims???

Please tell her. I know you are only trying to protect your friend from being hurt, but keeping vital information from her is NOT the way to do it. She will know what a true friend she has in you when you tell her what you have heard and you stick by her side through what will surely be a painful time for her no matter what.

 

[Katydid]

Of course you should tell your friend what you have heard. No, it's not your place to stay in the middle of it and try to figure out who's telling the truth and who's lying, but you do owe it to her to let her know what is being said about HER husband and HER marriage.

This is the biggest problem. It isn't always up to you. I tried to stay out of the middle, but when confronted with the truth of what he had done, the husband got angry and drug me INTO the middle.

Ideally, you tell her, she thanks you for informing her of the rumors and deals with it on her own. More than likely, this will put a major strain on the friendship and you will be cut out. Worst case, well, read my last post in this thread.

I do think she needs to find out, I just think you need to be careful about HOW she finds out.

 

[Jill Ann]

Katy- that situation sounds like a nightmare!

Unfortunately, it is very likely that if the husband is in fact having an inappropriate relationship with this woman that he WILL be mad his cover has been blown. Guilty people usually lash out in anger when caught and will look to point the blame at anyone but themselves. And yes, there is also the slight chance the friend will not be capable of handling the truth and will find Mixie to be a convenient "dumping ground" to project her pain and anger on. This would be unfortunate, but still not a reason to keep the information from her.

On the other hand, if it's just a vicous rumor, no one would have any reason to be defensive or angry by Mixie simply sharing what is being spread around...innocent people would usually welcome the chance to get to the TRUTH and clear up any misunderstandings.

 

[Katydid]

On the other hand, if it's just a vicous rumor, no one would have any reason to be defensive or angry by Mixie simply sharing what is being spread around...innocent people would usually welcome the chance to get to the TRUTH and clear up any misunderstandings.

I completely agree with you, don't get me wrong. I just think she needs to realize all the consequences to the choice she makes. I truly do believe that ideally she should say something, but, I also believe that if she knows she could not handle the situation, then it is best for her to step back. Chances are, the friendship will be over after this comes out anyway, just because of the situation itself.