Advise needed please

[Nikicarol]

My husband wanted to get a massage for his back and injured foot, but instead of going to a proper place for physio, a woman at his work said her next door neighbour does massage and gave him her email. Without discussing it with me properly he went ahead and made an appointment with her. The day of the appointment he told me about it, and it was at 7.00 in the evening, round at this woman's house. I thought hard about it, but felt very uneasy about the whole thing, I decided I would tell him I didn't want him to go, I said that he wouldn't like it if I went over to some man's house for a massage! The thing is that he said he totally understood what I was saying and he cancelled the appointment - BUT the next day he wouldn't talk to me, or discuss anything, I got very upset when finally he told me it was about the massage, I told him I didn't have a problem with him going to a proper physio place. He let me sob and cry and try to talk to him - but he was just ignoring me. He said sorry but his attitude hasn't changed, he only talks to me when he can't avoid it. I have tried so hard to get back to normal with him but he is so stubborn, I'm tired of it, cuz I didn't actually do anything wrong, and it's like he is blaming me for something. I felt that he shouldn't have even considered going really cuz he would be alone in a house with a woman he doesn't even know with her massaging him - he shouldn't have wanted to put himself in that position.

Any advice would be appreciated, it's been 2 weeks now, and things are still chilly in our house, I thought we had a breakthrough on easter sunday, but then it went back to the cold shoulder again! I really really miss him.

thanks - Nicky

 

[GirlieGirl]

Just offering a word of support on your position Niki: I would've felt the same way - And it's not because I (and may I include you as well?) am a crazy, jealous monster. As married, we need to protect and guard our hearts from any kind of temptation. I expect that from myself, and I expect that from my husband. This keeps our trust between eachother strong.

Now how to get him to come around? Eh, I may not be very much help with that. I can't fathom moping for 2 weeks..but then I'm more of a holly-go-lightly type (so obnoxious, right? ). Maybe you could set aside a speical time and do a massage for him. It won't be professional but it will show your intentions are for his good, not merely keep tabs on him. Or get a good recommendation for a professional and schedule him an appointment. Maybe meet up for dinner afterwards? Just thoughts.

I think it would be helpful if you both come to an agreement on where the boundaries are on relationships with the opposite sex. (though I know this comment will draw fire. heh, fire away). My husband and I have our on agreement that we don't hang out one on one with people of the opposite sex. This excludes MDs and professionals which was not the case with your husband.

 

[Starcrystal]

Me and my wife have a policy that only we massage each other... no one else. I don't understand why guys do this sometimes. I had a friend who had this girl come over every week or two to give him professional massage. His girlfriend couldn't stand it, and when she talked to me about it she wondered why her boyfriend didn't turn to her for massages. I couldn't figure that out either.

Both me & my wife can be friends with the opposite sex, but we don't go out alone with them or place ourselves in comprimising situations, ever. I guess sometimes its hard when one of the partners feels they can be a little more liberal than the other when it comes to this kind of casual contact. Try talking nicely about it and back that up with prayer....

 

[brettnolan]

I agree with what you did. And I think getting him a gift cert for a massage at a proper place as well. If he's still chilly about that, then the problem is not the massage at all, but WHO he wanted to give him one. That would concern me even more.

As has been said, he shouldn't have even wanted to put himself in a position for improper things to happen. I guarantee, if the masseuse had gotten a little too close to sensitive areas, he would have a hard time stopping at that point(pun semi-intended).

 

[Nikicarol]

Yesterday everything came to a head, cuz he was still hardly talking to me and ingoring me, so I was upset all day, and in the evening I got worse and worse and I was in such a state, I new I had to sort things out and confront him on it all. I felt so bad that I had a pounding headache and felt sick. I couldn't say anything so I just went up and hugged him, he then saw the error of his ways after we discussed everything, and we agreed to put it behind us. I feel so much happier today, and things are back to normal.

I thank God that he heard my prayer and we are together again as we should be.

Thankyou for your support, it was comforting to share this with you, cuz I didn't know who I could tell, apart from God, no one knew what I was going though.

love - Nicky

 

[wheels4Christ]

I couldn't say anything so I just went up and hugged him, he then saw the error of his ways after we discussed everything, and we agreed to put it behind us. I feel so much happier today, and things are back to normal.

Hi sister,

You did the right thing in both your post.

There are certain boundaries we must not cross. Not because we are control freaks. But because we do not want to be in that tempting situation.

My wife's hugs always always got me to calm down and think things through regardless of who's fault it was.

May God you two.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I won't be alone with a woman even to have a bible study, much less go to a girl's house at night to get a massage.
A lot of licensed massage therapists do work out of their homes, so the lady is probably legitimate, but the situation has bad written all over it.
This is a freedom I've had to give up since being married. There is a girl who means the world to me and I'll never so much as go have ice cream or anything with her.
Those days are gone.
But the wife is more than worth the cost.

 

[Nikicarol]

Thanks guys,

I still stand by what I said to him and asking him not to go, but at the same time I forgive him for treating me in a bad way. I really believe in not holding grudges, I wanted to sort this thing out ages ago, but he was holding on to it.

It takes more time, effort and pain, to hold on to bitterness and grudges - than it does to humble ones self and forgive.

love - Nicky

 

[HumbleBee]

Nicky, your hubby needs to read the message at this link...tiz about loving and cherishing you his wife, just as Christ does the church!

http://ft111.com/maryclar.htm

These verses too would do him good...

Ephesians 5:1-3, 21-30 Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people...Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church--for we are members of His body.

 

[Svt4Him]

Yesterday everything came to a head, cuz he was still hardly talking to me and ingoring me, so I was upset all day, and in the evening I got worse and worse and I was in such a state, I new I had to sort things out and confront him on it all. I felt so bad that I had a pounding headache and felt sick. I couldn't say anything so I just went up and hugged him, he then saw the error of his ways after we discussed everything, and we agreed to put it behind us. I feel so much happier today, and things are back to normal.

I thank God that he heard my prayer and we are together again as we should be.

Thankyou for your support, it was comforting to share this with you, cuz I didn't know who I could tell, apart from God, no one knew what I was going though.

love - Nicky

What an excellent story. Do you pray together?

 

[Nikicarol]

I have to be honest with myself and with God and say that we don't pray together very much. It takes a big thing to get us to pray together - this is very sad, and I want us to pray more together. Also we don't do bible study together either.

I guess my excuses would be, it's difficult finding the time, cuz he works nightshift and also our lives are very busy with our 4 kids at the moment - but I find myself cringing as I say these things because really there is no excuse, and I know that our relationship would benefit from praying and reading the bible together, as well as individuals.

Are there any other couples out there who find it difficult? and are there any others that might be able to give me some encouragement, cuz my hubby is never the one to instigate praying etc. and I know that I will have to suggest it.

I am saddened by thinking about that cuz it is something that has been on my mind for ages, I mean it should be a natural thing, for 2 christians to pray together, right?

 

[HumbleBee]

Nicky,

Psalm 37:4 Delight in your Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...(praying with your hubby!) Even delight in your Lord and He will delight in you!

May these resources help...

http://www.newday.org/web_shop/results.asp?offset=3&format=b&search=author&firstName=Doug&lastName=Weiss&codeorder=INTIMACY&titleorder=Intimacy