advise about BPD relationship

[Dunlora]

I have a friend who is an adult and works with kids. One kid shows the tendencies of borderline PD and narcissistic PD and for several months, developed an attachment towards my friend, the mentor. Suddenly, out of no where, the kid turned on my friend and told her to "get lost" in so many words. Now, a few months later, the kid is trying to reconnect with my friend but the relationship isn't the same (walking on eggshells dynamics). Should my friend nip it in the bud? Being the adult, she wants to be helpful but not fuel something that will only end up negatively, e.g. should she "quit while she is ahead"?

Thank you very much and God bless!

 

[wordbyrd]

They say a lot of stuff they don't mean.

 

[ExtremeDays]

Hi,
By the word "kid" I take it you mean a teen or young adult?
I can relate to much of what you have asked. I've worked with both youth & those with personality disorders (& sometimes a combo). I've been in the situation you're describing.

My opinion is: first I don't know if the kind of situation you are talking about is a job or ministry? In any case, still your friend should honor their commitments and if working with this youth is part of that, then they should do their best to relate with them. And as you mentioned, of course being the adult, they need to be mature and I would say that would include giving the youth some more chances.


Some teens act like this even if they don't really have a personality disorder. They go back and forth. Maybe they are doing this because they "need" something from your friend but if it's your friend's job or ministry, they should take it as part of the territory.


You didn't make clear if your friend was a Christian or not. If they are, that is another reason to "turn the other cheek", be more patient, and for your friend to allow God to use them to help this person somehow (there are many ways to "help" someone, sometimes it's about just "being there"- even if that means the other person comes and goes).

If all there is to it, is what you described, that doesn't sound like a reason to nip it in the bud. Your friend could still do a lot of good for this youth, especially if this youth feels some amount of trust for your friend. Some youth don't trust anyone, to even come back to them.


This doesn't sound like a very "heavy" situation like-the youth trying to make your friend responsible for suicidal threats, or violence against your friend.
So my advice for your friend is to just be there (even if that's all they can do) and and not worry about the negative ( if we did that all the time we'd become paralyzed).

If your friend is a Christian, to keep in prayer and remember how they believed God wanted them to get involved with youth in the first place.

Hope I wasn't too long-winded, but you hit my two favorite topics,
Blessings

 

[ExtremeDays]

One more point to mention-
sometimes we're "called" to work with certain "types" of people and sometimes we're not. If your friend is a Christian, then they need to discern/understand what God has called them to, what grace God has given them. Or, if God has called them to a certain ministry or job- then God wants to (will) empower them to deal with the people that are within that situation.


If your friend isn't a Christian...I take it most psychologists have certain "types" or certain disorders that they choose not to work with. We need to know our own limitations. Like I have found my own hinderance is NPD (narcissistic). Maybe because of my own background and situations I don't have as much compassion and patience with this disorder.


I guess this reminds me, that I too have more maturing to do, and to grow more in love.