Advice

[Nyoka bigsby]

Hello, I'm new to this and I have been trying to find a safe place where I can talk out certain issues that I have been having. I've been coming to terms with and struggling to trust my parents specifically my mom. We all have good and bad associated with our parents but since my adolescent years there's been an unspoken rift between me and my mom. I always looked up to her but felt unloved based on her actions of saying hurtful things to me, such as my inability to take care of the house as a wife and mother one day, comparing me to other kids around, pointing out and talking about my flaws to her friends. Finally my mom and I went to see a therapist we talked out alot of these issues and I told how I always felt. My heart soared because I finally thought I would have the loving relationship I've always wanted with my mother but it seems, since that time she's back at square one doing the same things over again. Of course I point out these things to her as lovingly as possibly as I respect her as a mother but she throws everything back on me and blames me, saying I never talk to her about anything, we have no relationship and that I'm emotionally distant, all this after months of trying my hardest to include my mother in my life. I believe in forgiveness and second chances but I want to stop trying so hard for my mother's approval which feels like it will never come, nothing I have done I have tried in vain. And tonight I am asking myself why doesn't my mom love me?, what is that I have lacked to make her say those things to me her only daughter? My mom is a christian and goes to church but her actions, I dont want to judge her but it makes no sense. I feel terrible for feeling this way about my mom and apart of me wants to just get along with her, but I'm tired of losing my peace just to please her. For myself I have become distant but because of my moms actions and I dont trust her but yet she guilt me and gets upset when I'm distant with her. My dad encourages this too that I just get along with my mom and what I'm doing is completely demonic and destroying the family, apart of me believes this is true, I could realky use some encouragement. Please keep my parents and me in prayer.

 

[Zoii]

I've just found this section of CF so I'm sorry for the delayed response. Is it fair to say your mother is manipulative, and failing to nurture and encourage. If so that can be very damaging. It's created insecurities and lack of self confidence. It makes me wonder how her mother treated her

 

[Nyoka bigsby]

Thanks for this comment, sorry to get back to you now. But it's been getting worse in that mentally I feel horribly guilty and I wonder if I should even have this guilt but I feel terrible like a horrible daughter for not sharing with my mom. It's like all the anger I have for her actions are just building a.c nd building and I cant say anything because bbn I'm afraid bbn of hurting her. It's so difficult to talk to her because she takes 0 responsibility for her actions, literally whenever she wants she will say hurtful comments when I least expect it then expect me to just get along and just tell her everything going on in my life. I'm sick of her criticisms, her fake christian demeanor and how she hurts me over and over again. And yet I love her and want her in my life but I dont know what to do, I'm praying about it but my dad makes bbn me feel guilty along with other non people at my church and friends so I dont know who to trust. I just get into a state bbn of pure denial that I try to put on a good face but the bbn problem still persists. I'm at the stage that if I dont say anything soon I'll just blow up and hurt her and say some things I dont really want to say. Anyway just venting, thanks for the advice

 

[thehehe]

You remind me a lot of a childhood friend who has a a likely mother. I spent a week with her family as a pre-teen, and her mother said to her daughter, in front of me, that she wished I were her daughter rather than her. She said that my friend was not pretty, but stupid & pointless, and that she would do anything to exchange her. It was many years ago, but I still feel shocked when I remember it. This friend became one of the prettiest girls I know, left home and live on her own, but unfortunately she's still badly hurt by what her mom did to her. She does her best to keep in touch with her, but same as you, there is too much to forgive to finally have an healthy relationship. Still, they do love each other, but they don't know how to say it to each other. But leaving home really helped, they both needed a break and distance. She built herself on her own, and even if this is not as good as if her mother helped her, she still managed to turn into a confident and independant young woman.
Here is my advice: distance always helps in such cases. You need to break from your house, let her apart of your life for a while and then it will let both of you think about eyour relationship. I also think you should still go to a therapist, even on your own, it would help you a lot. You need a fresh start in a different place & a specialized therapist who would know better than us what to do and how to heal your wounds.