Advice

[Anthony Petini]

Hey, I am completely new here, but am seeking some advice. Maybe Im crazy and I'm overthinking things, or maybe I should be concerned.

The issue: My wife has been acting angrily toward me lately, we don't really ever have intimate time together, and she keep complaining about things I do. We have been married six years, together 10, and have a 12 month old, a 7 year old, and an 8 year old. She has always said things in anger that were hurtful, but I chose to love her as God changes her heart, no matter how long that takes. This time around she has been saying things like "I don't want to be emotionally connected with you, I just want to exist with you, maybe we shouldn't be married" and "Marriage isn't about sex, I don't need to have sex with you" and "I wish you would stop asking me so many questions, you are a nag, all you do is nag me and ask questions, I don't need you to tell me how you feel". This happens a couple times a week at this point, which is new. Im worried, I feel like I might be losing her, I know it isn't as bad as some issues, but I got concerned when she added her friends male friend to Facebook and they message once or twice a month, and then the other day they followed each other on Instagram. I would say this shouldn't be a big deal, she's allowed to have conversations with men, right? That shouldn't be the issue, but I put it in here so you could better understand what is going into my worried heart.

The context:

We have moved recently, 3 months ago to be exact. We have always lived with family, this is our first place without anyone to help with the kids, to give us a break every once in awhile. Basically, there is no break. I work part time at Apple from home, and full time as a pastor in an inner city church plant. My wife is a stay at home mom of three kids, in college (online), and home schooling the older two. The 12 month old usually cries and tears up the house. We had a girl from church stay with us for a couple weeks when her home life wasn't great, she's 18, and then her parents came to stay and they've been here 3 weeks.

Im going to assume that her coldness toward me might be stress from the move and then double stress from having so many people in our small house for so long, maybe? And about the guy, I assume I shouldn't worry about any of that.

Is any of this alarming? What should I be doing? and yes, I do help clean and do laundry and whatever else I can do to make her life easier. Please help.

 

[Tolworth John]

I would suggest getting outside councelling, either from a mariager councelluing service or from a qualified couple from elsewhere in your parachurch organisation.

I would also suggest getting the parrents of the girl who's staying to leave, and get someone else to house the girl if she can't go home.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Anthony,
I was reading your post and you mentioned "we recently moved to a place where we have no help" and I thought "well that's enough to make any person cray with stress". You two need to cut back.
And then you mentioned 3 kids. And then that you work 2 jobs. And then homeschooling. And then having another kid stay with you- a troubled teen. And then her parents too? In a small house?

WAY TOO MUCH!!!!

Anthony, you need cut back on all of this and start focusing on the home front before you loose it all. Your poor wife is probably worked to the bone. Cut back on all that, give her time and space to take care of herself and be healthy. Cut back even more to give yourselves time to take care of your relationship and actually date your wife. Get a babysitter. And get into counseling to learn how to talk about things.

You've been so busy helping everyone else, you're missed taking care of your wife. Please, cut back and rekindle that fire.

As to the Facebook guy: two messages a month is absolutely nothing to worry about. Overloading and neglecting your wife is a huge stampeding elephant to worry about.

 

[tall73]

Anthony,
I was reading your post and you mentioned "we recently moved to a place where we have no help" and I thought "well that's enough to make any person cray with stress". You two need to cut back.
And then you mentioned 3 kids. And then that you work 2 jobs. And then homeschooling. And then having another kid stay with you- a troubled teen. And then her parents too? In a small house?

WAY TOO MUCH!!!!

Anthony, you need cut back on all of this and start focusing on the home front before you loose it all. Your poor wife is probably worked to the bone. Cut back on all that, give her time and space to take care of herself and be healthy. Cut back even more to give yourselves time to take care of your relationship and actually date your wife. Get a babysitter. And get into counseling to learn how to talk about things.

You've been so busy helping everyone else, you're missed taking care of your wife. Please, cut back and rekindle that fire.

As to the Facebook guy: two messages a month is absolutely nothing to worry about. Overloading and neglecting your wife is a huge stampeding elephant to worry about.

Agreed, it is too much. If you spend no time together there won't be much connection.

Also, she may not want to have sex if there are all of these people in a small house. Sex can make noise, and she may be worried about such.

 

[live4Christ2016]

Why are the parents of this girl living with you? They need to find someone else to stay with. Your wife has a baby to deal with and homeschooling. That in itself is enough to worry about in a day. She has too much. She needs someone to watch the little one while she homeschools or so she can get other things done. You are working two jobs. That can kill a marriage. You two have too much on your plates. She is overwhelmed.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Hey, I am completely new here, but am seeking some advice. Maybe Im crazy and I'm overthinking things, or maybe I should be concerned.

The issue: My wife has been acting angrily toward me lately, we don't really ever have intimate time together, and she keep complaining about things I do. We have been married six years, together 10, and have a 12 month old, a 7 year old, and an 8 year old. She has always said things in anger that were hurtful, but I chose to love her as God changes her heart, no matter how long that takes. This time around she has been saying things like "I don't want to be emotionally connected with you, I just want to exist with you, maybe we shouldn't be married" and "Marriage isn't about sex, I don't need to have sex with you" and "I wish you would stop asking me so many questions, you are a nag, all you do is nag me and ask questions, I don't need you to tell me how you feel". This happens a couple times a week at this point, which is new. Im worried, I feel like I might be losing her, I know it isn't as bad as some issues, but I got concerned when she added her friends male friend to Facebook and they message once or twice a month, and then the other day they followed each other on Instagram. I would say this shouldn't be a big deal, she's allowed to have conversations with men, right? That shouldn't be the issue, but I put it in here so you could better understand what is going into my worried heart.

The context:

We have moved recently, 3 months ago to be exact. We have always lived with family, this is our first place without anyone to help with the kids, to give us a break every once in awhile. Basically, there is no break. I work part time at Apple from home, and full time as a pastor in an inner city church plant. My wife is a stay at home mom of three kids, in college (online), and home schooling the older two. The 12 month old usually cries and tears up the house. We had a girl from church stay with us for a couple weeks when her home life wasn't great, she's 18, and then her parents came to stay and they've been here 3 weeks.

Im going to assume that her coldness toward me might be stress from the move and then double stress from having so many people in our small house for so long, maybe? And about the guy, I assume I shouldn't worry about any of that.

Is any of this alarming? What should I be doing? and yes, I do help clean and do laundry and whatever else I can do to make her life easier. Please help.

Why not send the kids to public school? If it's the work that is stressing her out...that should be a big help.

It sounds like she has a lot on her plate and she isn't adjusting too well. She's probably under a lot of stress and dealing with your problems doesn't help that. I wish I had some good advice, but I really don't. Three kids while going to college is a lot to deal with.

What's the deal with a "girl from church" and "her parents" coming to live with you? Who's parents did you mean...the girl's or your wife's?

Your wife, if I had to guess, probably feels like your priorities are off. I don't know exactly what you're trying to do with this girl and her parents...but what kind of good advice about a healthy family life can you possibly give at this point? Your family life isn't exactly firing on all cylinders here.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My mom homeschooled me while being the housewife taking care of...well pretty much everything. My dad pretty much didn't have to do anything around the house. Not that he made my mom do it all, she wanted to do it.

When the homeschooling was going on my mom was SUPER stressed. Its hard enough running a house, paying bills, raising a child...etc as it is even when kids are in public school. And to be honest my dad didn't really help her with the homeschooling or some things she could have used help on.

Its fine to be the bread winner and all but when married it means you have to come home and then deal with stuff there to. Even if your tired and just want to relax. And with three kids, phew thats alot with all thats going on. I imagine she just isn't in the mood for or anything else really. My mom was the same with my dad. They had a romantic marriage until I being homeschooled, then they spent those years just with my mom screaming every day and fighting with my dad.

Obviously the first thing I'd say is counseling is needed of course. Do you guys spend any time together just as a couple? Watching a movie, cuddling, eating out together. Again I realize this isn't easy with everything you have going on. But when life gets this busy romance becomes dead and the marriage dies with it. Gotta keep that flame going, maybe even reignite it. When you come home say "Hi honey. How are you doing today? Need any help?". Give her some help or tell her your thankful for all she does, shes a Godsend. Or just stare into her eyes until she says something and say "Sorry dear, I got lost in the beauty of your eyes!". Chessy I know. But feeling romanced and cared about matters alot. Especially to a house wife.

Remember their job they don't get paid for and their job means no time off or escape. AN article I read a few months ago talked about how if a house-spouse was to be paid for all they day, it be an amount of 6 digits, which is more then most people make. I can tell you from being the house husband that I understand that now. I can see why my mom was always angry and upset with my dad. You feel unappreciated sometimes. THankfully my wife (shes working) for the most part gives me hugs and kisses and gives me compliments so I feel like she cares. Not that we don't have our moments. Especially because shes from another country.

As for the men thing, I'd be careful. For now from what you have said shes not doing anything outside of just chatting. But given the stress I'd really say she should not be making sudden male friends. Especially if single. When a marriage is going off track the person feeling stressed will turn to other people for relief. Like for example maybe your wife told one of the guys "Ugh, I'm just so tired of all I do around here. I can't even relax." The guy may be like "Aww sorry to hear that <name>. I'm not really that kind of guy that I would make my future wife work so hard. I'd do <insert happy things> for her!". THis is how this stuff starts. Looking for happyness outside the marriage is dangerous.

Oops, just read you do help with things around the house. My bad. I missed that it seems. I'd suggest maybe putting the kids in public school. I mean public school isn't great but if it cuts on some stress then its needed. Also does she have any health issues? Been to the doctor lately? You know women change their during stages of their life. Not sure how old your wife is but that could be a factor to (changes).