Advice

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

My boyfriend and I are gradually talking about stuff we feel important to resolve before getting engaged. This hasn't always been easy, but we're getting there.

Anyway, last night, he floored me completely. He is completely 'freaked out' by the idea of a pregnant woman. It's all about the belly - it completely freaks him out.

I asked him if it was to do with the sexual side - he said no.

I asked him if it was because he was kinda 'losing' access to me, and my behaviour was being shaped somewhat by another life - he said no.

I asked him if it was the 'fat' look - he said no.

It's just the whole idea of a body inside mine that freaks him out. It's all about the stomach, and nothing else.

Did anyone else experience this with their spouse? It's the first time I've heard a guy say this - most guys I know are excited by the thought of their wife having a baby, and developing as she does.

It doesn't extend past the pregnancy, he's not abnormally scared of being a father, the birth, how my body will change, just the concept of a pregnant belly weirds him out. He finds it kinda 'eww', and can't put his finger on why.

Advice? Comments? Commiserations?

Sasch

 

[LynnMcG]

Don't take this the wrong way, but it sort of sounds like immaturity. And I think it's normal. He's not ready to think like that. It's important that you both want the same things if you're going to be married - i.e. children. But it's one thing to say, yes I want children some day. But another to think of you pregnant. He's not ready. And that's ok. When the time comes, he'll be fine. Something happens to a man when his wife becomes pregnant. It's like they get proud of themselves; they think - look what I did! It changes when it becomes real and it's their sweetie pregnant with their baby.

My husband and I had been married 4 years but together for 8 years when I was pregnant with my daughter. When I told him I was pregnant he was stunned. He said "How did this happen? Are you sure? I don't believe it! I thought we weren't going to have kids..." Five years later, he's the best daddy.

If this is what you both want. Pray. God will help him to be ready when the time is right.

 

[Jenna]

*laughs* He's watched too many sci-fi flicks, eh?
You know, I'd bet that if the two of you were married and expecting your own baby, he wouldn't find it so "eww". One way or another, he'll eventually have to grow out of it. There's no other way to have a baby, so he'll just have to get used to the idea until it doesn't give him the heebie-jeebies anymore. lol

 

[meliru25]

That's funny. I'm sure he'll get over it when you're pregnant. It really does change your perception of pregnancy when you're feeling your own child moving around in that freaky belly and there's nothing like hearing the baby's heartbeat for the first time.

 

[2Bhumble]

If one thinks ahead on what they think marriage is going to entail, they can talk themselves into all kinds of scary ideas. When I was a young married pup the whole thought of pregnancy/belly/new baby kind of freaked me out a little until it actually happened. Seeing that swelling belly was exciting. Watching God knit together my son and daughter really was cool. My wife really did have a "glow" about her. I'd talk to her belly and say "how's it going in there?" Tell him I said to quit thinking (over analyzing) about the whole big belly thing. That's how God designed it. He should think of you and your present relationship. Have you guys considered pre-engagement/pre-marital counseling?

 

[andiesmama]

My husband was kind of ambivalent on that topic. He of course wanted to have a baby, & JOYFULLY "participated" in the trying part...but he had some of the same fears as your fiance. But when Andie was actually there, inside me, he couldn't stop being amazed, and when he first felt her move, you would've thought time stood still...he couldn't stop touching her!! Really sweet, actually!!

 

[Sascha Fitzpatrick]

awww, you guys made me feel so much better - I have been thinking like you do (just wait til we're married, and it's OUR baby inside me), but to have some encouragement about it, just makes feel a bit easier...

As to the pre-engagement/pre-marital counselling - we've kinda started that. We had a meeting with our minister the other day so he could get a heads up on our relationship, and support us, as we live together (not for much longer, we were living together before we began this relationship, just waiting to find a place that I can afford), and he wanted to be able to support us and help us as we found our feet.

When I move out, we'll have another meeting about Brad becoming a member, and how I see my leadership in the church developing, and then talk a bit more about our relationship. Need some encouraging prayer for my boyfriend here - he tends to see the negatives of other people becoming closely involved in our relationship, rather than the positives that I see. I'm all for mentorship and seeing the minister once every couple of months or something, but don't think he's as keen.

But yeah, thanks for helping rest my mind a bit about this - it was a concern.

Sasch

 

[alaskamolly]

Speaking of too many sci-fi flicks, the first time MY first-born moved inside of me (well, the first time I could FEEL her moving), I couldn't help but scream, "Alien!"




I'm much more in tune with my feminine side now, of course...
*grin*
Molly

 

[awen]

Sascha,

Speaking from experience...
As everyone has said, don't worry.

My wife and I were married when we were 20. We were young, and... she couldn't think of anything she wanted less out of life than to have children.
Three months later, she was pregnant.

I have to admit to being a little overwhelmed during that period. In some respects it didn't quite seem real, and in another respect I felt like my wife and I were losing our freedom...

Two years after my daughter's birth, I can't believe I was that stupid!
I can't think of anything in my life that has been more fulfilling, more rewarding, than having that little girl. She's the other love of my life (ha! The "Other white meat", so to speak). Ahem.

So anyway -
don't stress.
people are idiots, but it all comes out in the wash

I'll pray for the two of you - I'm sure you'll be fine.

 

[InTheFlame]

Does he have a younger brother? Who was the favourite? Unresolved issues with his family? How did his father react to his mother's pregnancy/ies? Ummm... did he see his mother pregnant and highly upset, or something else traumatic?

Otherwise - probably what everyone else said