Advice to Children

[Cute Peonies]

He is looking on his potential son in law as being like Danny De Vito whereas he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger.

That sentence was funny lol

But seriously @justLife It's normal to want the best for her but judging him based on things he can't change (like his height) is really sad .

Since you're mainly concerned about his appearance, maybe tell him to lose weight or praise the benefits of fitness.

She's not ugly. She's slim, tall (not basketball tall) with brown hair flowing past her shoulders. I really don't see why more guys are not attracted to her.

And I can assure you that ALL girls have options. There must be guys interested in her but she won't tell you that.

 

[RoseyViolet]

I can totally relate to you, we too have a 23 year old daughter who we believe has "settled" and is similarly immature in dating and relationships, yet has chosen to align herself with someone we would never have her even be associated with. I get it. It's tough stuff! We are in a season of dealing with this real time.
Whatever your concerns are, it doesn't matter to others, but if it's a concern to you and your wife who know and love her best, then that's all that matters. In these situations, it's all about prayer, patience and great communication about your daughter's worth, her image as seen IN CHRIST and about each of you examining your hearts before the Lord asking for His wisdom, peace and His will to be done in your own heart as well as the heart of your daughter. I do feel strongly that it's very important that your daughter hears from your dad heart and your wife's heart on each of the concerns you brought up, pray about it and ask the Holy Spirit to give you just the right words to say and for your heart to be heard in it all.
Life is more than superficial looks, for sure, but how is his heart? Has he placed his hope, faith and trust in Jesus Christ as his personal savior? Does he put God first in his own personal life and then treat your daughter like the cherished treasure that he is, taking care of her and loving her as he loves himself? How's his heart? THAT is the true test of how worthy he might be to own your daughter's heart. If not, gently prod her heart and communicate to her what a loving date or what a loving husband looks like. If her boyfriend doesn't have those qualities then it's not right. Be led by peace. If you have no peace over this guy, but she does, after careful praying for the Lord's will, and has confirmation from other believers who know the both, then you have to trust that you have done your part and ask the Lord for peace in this situation. She is an adult and unfortunately will be making mistakes along the way, as did you and all of us. It's very hard to sit by and see the future for our kids and still stay the course of supporting them, and loving them, yet not agreeing with their choices. I feel your pain. Sorry we are all going through it. BUT.... God is good, He is faithful and is a gentleman who will not overstep our own personal will. Lots and lots of prayers and knowing that you did your part, now step out of the way and turn her fully over to the lover of her soul and watch Him do great and mighty things.

 

[justLife]

It's been asked several times but I'm not sure where he stands on God. I think she said he was baptist but I could have that wrong. Not sure if he goes to church or not. Really don't know for sure. She goes to church with us since she lives with us because of the pandemic and all. It's all College on-line except for her attending one class in person once a week.

I know what I have said about him isn't great and I acknowledge that. That's something I need to work on.....but what I want to say is....Good grief, girl, take some pride in yourself and don't accept life is it with the first boy you kiss.

I really wish she didn't see anyone and get through College, find a job and then see where life takes you without the first boy you kissed in high school hanging around the entire time.

 

[bèlla]

It appears your influence is somewhat limited. Hence the question. My daughter is older and if I had concerns I’d tell her. As would my loved ones.

You have to establish the parameters at an early age and reinforce its principles. That’s where the liberty to speak is formed. Friendship is the starting point. It provides insight on the kind of people they gravitate to and who flock to them. You have to pay attention and nip things in the bud.

Adults attract hanger ons and so do kids. You have to teach them how to spot them. They’re naive and miss the clues. But you shouldn’t.

If my daughter was seeing someone who threatened suicide I wouldn’t support the connection. I’d suggest she encourage him to get the help he needs. That’s beyond her pay grade. He needs a therapist. We’d have a serious discussion about coping mechanisms and the necessity of finding a partner who handled adversity in a healthy fashion.

I would remind her of the ramifications of choosing someone emotionally unstable and the necessity of picking up the slack. And reiterate its impact on her and future children.

Looks are meaningless. I’d tackle the bigger issues.

 

[Benjamin Müller]

I'm going to look past your superficial comments because I still think your concerns are valid. Our church would give the advice to 'date widely'. Which your daughter hasn't done, so I think it might be a fair request to have her meet others.

Your posts reminded me of King George VI, and how he made Elizabeth and Phillip delay their marriage. He kept them apart for a year to really think things through. He hoped it would break them, but they were married for over 70 years.

If he's the one, he's the one.

If you have concerns, perhaps speak to your daughter about them, but not in a way that condemns her boyfriend. Your wife is right about not wanting to alienate your daughter. Boys might have made passes at your daughter but perhaps she's not interested in them.

Before you speak to her make sure that you've analyzed the good things about this boy's character. Criticism is better handled when you sprinkle compliments throughout. What is it about the boy that makes her attracted?

I have found that most parents who have concerns over their children's relationships, usually have a just cause for it and this boy threatening suicide isn't very flattering to see.

Be delicate about the situation. If you at all can, be accepting of him as a son-in-law while you're talking to her so that she doesn't take your criticisms personal. But express your concerns through fatherly wisdom not just a bias dislike. (Not saying your bias, but you don't want her to think that.)