Advice to Children

[justLife]

Hello,

Not sure how to handle this so that's why I'm posting for advice.

Here goes. I have a daughter that has had the same boyfriend since High School and I believe she started going out with him when she was 16. She is now 22 and he is 23. He graduated from college last year and she will graduate from college in 2023.

The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size. If they have kids together they'll be like NFL Offensive Lineman or Linebackers. That's mean to say but I wouldn't doubt it if they take after him. In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple and I'm sure that's very materialistic.

My main problem is that she has never been out with anyone else. No other guy has taken an interest in her. No one at High School, except for him, and no one at church. She gets involved in the young adult events at church but no guys have shown any interest in her. Hasn't met anyone in her classes at College, either. She's not ugly. She's slim, tall (not basketball tall) with brown hair flowing past her shoulders. I really don't see why more guys are not attracted to her.

My fear is she will end up marrying this guy because that's the only guy she has ever gone out with. To me, that's a shame. That's like buying the first house you're shown and never looking at a single home after that. Never seeing what could be. My other fear is 1, 5, 10 years down the road she meets another person and wonders why she married him.

My wife doesn't want to say anything because she's afraid of alienating her daughter so she chooses to not say anything. Not sure that's the best choice.

Do I not say anything and hope and pray that God sends someone her way? My wife even questions that because it's been 6 years and no other guy has come her way. She keeps telling me to take it up with God and, I do, but nothing is happening.

If I do say something, what exactly should I say? Take more pride in yourself and don't just grab the first thing that comes along? Kind of what I want to say. That's also how I see it. I think at times she just stays with him because he's been the first guy to notice her. No one else has come her way so she just figures this must be it.

 

[Paidiske]

If you were to say anything at all, rather than running the guy down (that's not going to work, I'm sure; she'll be defensive from the get-go), maybe encourage her to think about what happens next. Are they talking of marriage? What does she want out of her life, and is this person going to support her in striving for that? What makes for a healthy marriage, and is this person bringing that character to the table? That sort of thing.

That would both prompt her to think about the long-term picture, but do it in a way which communicates your trust for her as a person making her own life decisions.

 

[tturt]

How absolutely sad that's how he's viewed - based on appearances. In the OP, don't see whether he believes in God or not. He has set goals and achieved them while millions of other students have dropped out of college during the same time period. Your daughter isn't a child. They seem to have trust, communication skills, consideration, and commitment at the least.

You said you had prayed but nothing is happening. Maybe that's your answer.

 

[lismore]

"People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

 

[perpendicular_bisector]

The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size. If they have kids together they'll be like NFL Offensive Lineman or Linebackers. That's mean to say but I wouldn't doubt it if they take after him. In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple and I'm sure that's very materialistic.

perhaps you have more in common than you realise ? maybe he thinks you're like mr magoo or the south end of a pig heading north ? but its what your daughter believes that counts

 

[bèlla]

The probable answer is the one you haven’t mentioned. She doesn’t appeal to them. Maybe he sees beyond the impediments others won’t.

 

[Sketcher]

Hello,

Not sure how to handle this so that's why I'm posting for advice.

Here goes. I have a daughter that has had the same boyfriend since High School and I believe she started going out with him when she was 16. She is now 22 and he is 23. He graduated from college last year and she will graduate from college in 2023.

The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size. If they have kids together they'll be like NFL Offensive Lineman or Linebackers. That's mean to say but I wouldn't doubt it if they take after him. In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple and I'm sure that's very materialistic.

My main problem is that she has never been out with anyone else. No other guy has taken an interest in her. No one at High School, except for him, and no one at church. She gets involved in the young adult events at church but no guys have shown any interest in her. Hasn't met anyone in her classes at College, either. She's not ugly. She's slim, tall (not basketball tall) with brown hair flowing past her shoulders. I really don't see why more guys are not attracted to her.

My fear is she will end up marrying this guy because that's the only guy she has ever gone out with. To me, that's a shame. That's like buying the first house you're shown and never looking at a single home after that. Never seeing what could be. My other fear is 1, 5, 10 years down the road she meets another person and wonders why she married him.

My wife doesn't want to say anything because she's afraid of alienating her daughter so she chooses to not say anything. Not sure that's the best choice.

Do I not say anything and hope and pray that God sends someone her way? My wife even questions that because it's been 6 years and no other guy has come her way. She keeps telling me to take it up with God and, I do, but nothing is happening.

If I do say something, what exactly should I say? Take more pride in yourself and don't just grab the first thing that comes along? Kind of what I want to say. That's also how I see it. I think at times she just stays with him because he's been the first guy to notice her. No one else has come her way so she just figures this must be it.

So, how does he treat her?

 

[justLife]

I agree in what I have said is not the greatest but at least I'm being honest.

Yes, I have thought about not getting an answer as being the answer. Then again, maybe he's waiting for her to finish college and get her first job before Mr. Right comes along. It has puzzled me that no one is really knocking on her door. In a way, I actually like that because I believe she needs to get through college first and then think about guys. Not big on her dating.

I do believe he treats her well. Except for one time at her first year in college and he kept calling her telling her he was going to kill himself. I think they broke up before she headed out and then he kept calling her and she was getting upset because she was trying to concentrate on classes and studies. They went through an on/off thing for a few years while attending college and now settling in at boyfriend/girlfriend.

 

[justLife]

I understand my comments are not the greatest but I remember my pastor telling the church something when I was younger.

He said something along the lines of "Take a look at your future Father/Mother in-law and if you don't like what you see (future husband/wife will look like in 20-40 years) then don't marry the person your with."

I took it he was telling the single people that if you can't live with someone that will look like their father/mother in 20-40 years then don't marry them. Find someone that you don't mind getting old with.

 

[bèlla]

We aren’t replicas of our parents. You examine the family for insight on their character and influence. It’s the latter that’s the tipping point. Watching their interactions and behavior with siblings and loved ones is helpful. You’ll have a better idea of their values and the challenges they might bring into the marriage. If you listen closely you’ll hear expectations too.

 

[disciple Clint]

Hello,

Not sure how to handle this so that's why I'm posting for advice.

Here goes. I have a daughter that has had the same boyfriend since High School and I believe she started going out with him when she was 16. She is now 22 and he is 23. He graduated from college last year and she will graduate from college in 2023.

The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size. If they have kids together they'll be like NFL Offensive Lineman or Linebackers. That's mean to say but I wouldn't doubt it if they take after him. In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple and I'm sure that's very materialistic.

My main problem is that she has never been out with anyone else. No other guy has taken an interest in her. No one at High School, except for him, and no one at church. She gets involved in the young adult events at church but no guys have shown any interest in her. Hasn't met anyone in her classes at College, either. She's not ugly. She's slim, tall (not basketball tall) with brown hair flowing past her shoulders. I really don't see why more guys are not attracted to her.

My fear is she will end up marrying this guy because that's the only guy she has ever gone out with. To me, that's a shame. That's like buying the first house you're shown and never looking at a single home after that. Never seeing what could be. My other fear is 1, 5, 10 years down the road she meets another person and wonders why she married him.

My wife doesn't want to say anything because she's afraid of alienating her daughter so she chooses to not say anything. Not sure that's the best choice.

Do I not say anything and hope and pray that God sends someone her way? My wife even questions that because it's been 6 years and no other guy has come her way. She keeps telling me to take it up with God and, I do, but nothing is happening.

If I do say something, what exactly should I say? Take more pride in yourself and don't just grab the first thing that comes along? Kind of what I want to say. That's also how I see it. I think at times she just stays with him because he's been the first guy to notice her. No one else has come her way so she just figures this must be it.

As a parent did you not teach your daughter how to make decisions for herself?
She is the one who needs to be happy, why not let her decide what she wants.

 

[Zonderzug]

The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size.
In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple and I'm sure that's very materialistic.
My main problem is that she has never been out with anyone else. No other guy has taken an interest in her.
My fear is she will end up marrying this guy because that's the only guy she has ever gone out with. To me, that's a shame.

Without meaning to offend, it is quite obvious that your value system is misplaced on superficial things and outward appearances. You might be worrying about the wrong things. Please look at John 7:24. I will not give it here. You can brush me off or have the humility to look it up and let God’s Word speak to you. Sometimes when people wish for something, they do not think of the alternate horrible possibilities. How many couples do you know who look like royalty but have terrible secrets … abuse and battery, infidelity, porn, etc. You have twenty years to raise her and she is beyond that now. The irony here is that maybe you properly raised her to see the value in people, just like what the other comments mentioned here … that God looks at the heart. I should correct that. I should say God properly raised her and surrounded her with people, not just the parents, to see value in people. It is possible that many guys have tried but she saw the self-centeredness or wrong values in these guys. You need more maturity as a Christian and grounding because when they do end up married unless you get rid of this attitude, it can become really messy. Why don’t you try watching “Shallow Hal” this weekend if you haven’t? Just a friendly advice, bro.

 

[justLife]

She actually does make decisions on her own. What I don't want is X years down the road she comes to me and says "Dad, why didn't you say anything?". Of course, it may never come to that and all is well. i still think something needs to be said. I just need to work out some of the suggestions that have been given.

What about Jacob? From what I can tell, he didn't want anything to do with Leah and went after the beautiful Rachel.

 

[Waymarker]

..The point is, I just don't care for him. He's shorter than her and probably twice her size. If they have kids together they'll be like NFL Offensive Lineman or Linebackers. That's mean to say but I wouldn't doubt it if they take after him. In my eyes they don't make for a good looking couple..

If he's a nasty chap of course you're right to want to protect her from him, but if he's a nice guy be glad she's got eyes for him..
"The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7)

 

[Zonderzug]

She actually does make decisions on her own. What I don't want is X years down the road she comes to me and says "Dad, why didn't you say anything?". Of course, it may never come to that and all is well. i still think something needs to be said. I just need to work out some of the suggestions that have been given.

What about Jacob? From what I can tell, he didn't want anything to do with Leah and went after the beautiful Rachel.

In that case, you should talk to her and have her consider your concerns. She might see your point so at least you will be able to bring it out rather than let it simmer down the years. I would also talk to a pastor first and get a third party point of view. But I respect your feelings. Pray intently about it and listen to the Holy Spirit through God’s Word.

And as for Jacob, that is a description of what happened and not necessarily a prescription for us. There is nothing wrong with appreciating external beauty, which is actually the main way couples are attracted to each other. But when someone goes beyond the looks and see something else in the other person’s character, that is sometimes the perfect recipe for a good relationship and a stable marriage.

 

[Torah Keeper]

You seem to have a hidden reason you don't like this guy. I see no reason they shouldn't marry. 6 years is a long time with many memories. Why risk destroying their future because you want her to dump the love of her life for a chance at happiness with some other guy? Clearly there is more to the story you are not telling us. Based only on what you've said so far, you should have given her away years ago.

If you have a problem with the guy, talk to him about it. Maybe he will man up and change for the better. Or maybe you are just being too judgemental over nothing.

 

[Hank77]

I do believe he treats her well. Except for one time at her first year in college and he kept calling her telling her he was going to kill himself. I think they broke up before she headed out and then he kept calling her and she was getting upset because she was trying to concentrate on classes and studies. They went through an on/off thing for a few years while attending college and now settling in at boyfriend/girlfriend.

It sounds as if mom is worried as well as you are and I can see why unless this young man has either matured a great deal or has gotten mental health care since the above happened.
I agree with other posters that you and mom too need to have some conversations with your daughter. Try to find out what she really thinks and feels about this young man and about having a relationship with him and what their relationship has really been like so far.

 

[lismore]

If you have a problem with the guy, talk to him about it. Maybe he will man up and change for the better. Or maybe you are just being too judgemental over nothing.

From my reading of the OP the perceived issues are over appearance and cannot be changed by the guy involved, the OP looks on physical appearance as having an overarching importance. He is looking on his potential son in law as being like Danny De Vito whereas he wants Arnold Schwarzenegger.

But surely character and faith must override that? Appearance could change over time for anyone, it's what's inside that counts. How many people have married based on appearance alone and then found they wed a devil in disguise. God Bless

 

[justLife]

There's nothing more to it.

• I don't really think he was going to harm himself but it was a way for him to keep being involved with her. At some point after that time, they got back together.
• I still feel she shouldn't just settle for the first thing that comes along. I think no one has come along so she just stays with this guy because it's convenient.
• Now, it's totally possible that God does have it worked out this way. Then again, it's totally possible that's not the case and free will is taking place and there could be someone else down the road but she doesn't see it.
• A major issue for me is I feel she is settling because no one else has come along. Like buying the first car you see on the dealer lot and not going to other dealers to see what else is out there. To me, that's a poor choice and not very smart. I'm not fond of that because marriage is a life time.
• Sure, I have a problem with the way he looks because I'm thinking down the road. Right or wrong.
• I only brought up Jacob because, well, that's what most people do. Even Jacob himself did it.
• Lastly, I still think she's with this guy because, well, it's better to be with this guy then alone and having no one.

 

[ChristServant]

There's nothing more to it.

• I don't really think he was going to harm himself but it was a way for him to keep being involved with her. At some point after that time, they got back together.
• I still feel she shouldn't just settle for the first thing that comes along. I think no one has come along so she just stays with this guy because it's convenient.
• Now, it's totally possible that God does have it worked out this way. Then again, it's totally possible that's not the case and free will is taking place and there could be someone else down the road but she doesn't see it.
• A major issue for me is I feel she is settling because no one else has come along. Like buying the first car you see on the dealer lot and not going to other dealers to see what else is out there. To me, that's a poor choice and not very smart. I'm not fond of that because marriage is a life time.
• Sure, I have a problem with the way he looks because I'm thinking down the road. Right or wrong.
• I only brought up Jacob because, well, that's what most people do. Even Jacob himself did it.
• Lastly, I still think she's with this guy because, well, it's better to be with this guy then alone and having no one.

What a poisonous ungodly world we live in.

Peace be to all those in the Body of Christ.