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Advice please

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Frustratedhusband, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. Frustratedhusband

    Frustratedhusband New Member

    2
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    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    my wife and I have been married for 20 years. Things have been good for the most part but the last couple of years have really been a struggle. Last year she found out that the guy she dated for 4 years before we got married was getting divorced and was putting his house up for sale. I’m not sure when she reached out to him but last April she called me while I was at work and told me that she was heading to his house to help him clean it. I protested and told her that she had no business going over there. For many years she has thrown his name up in my face when I didn’t do something that she expected me to. So I have insecurities regarding him. She went to his house anyway. The next week I busted her at his house after she had turned her phone off and told our daughter she was working late. She was cleaning but she lied about where she was because she knew I’d have a problem with it. Prior to and after this event she had told me during arguments that after our daughter graduates high school (she’s in 8th grade) that we were through. She’s told me during arguments that she warned a divorce. I always came back groveling. Last May I had had enough and told her why wait 5 years? That led to a long conversation where I confessed that I had fallen out of love with her.

    Fast forward a year...I’m still here doing my best. Over the past couple of weeks she has been extremely nasty towards me. Accusing me of things like being close with a coworker, blaming me for things. She got into an argument a few days ago with her parents over a card game and started yelling and being disrespectful to them and spewing “venom”. I tried to restrain her from re entering the room so that things would calm down and she used her fingernails on my arm and drew blood. Since then, she has literally told me that she wished I would just have an affair (in very crude language) so that she could be free. This was said in front of a witness....repeatedly. I have never...ever...put myself in a position to ever cheat, nor would I.

    Today I found out that she has continually been texting the ex boyfriend for who knows how long. And he has told her that if she wanted to come over he would leave his side door unlocked.

    I feel like I’ve had enough. Although I don’t think she has cheated on me...I can’t get over the fact that she said she wished I would. We believe divorce is only acceptable due to adultery....but I’m about at the point to just do it and live alone for the rest of my life.

    My daughter (14) told me that she wants us to divorce.

    What do I do?????
     
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  2. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +983
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    Well, you have enough evidence to know she is likely in an affair. Her behavior leading up to your discovery today substantiates that. When a wife turns away from her husband like this it is often due to an affair, so that's the first place to start looking.

    Do you feel you have enough evidence that others will believe you about her affair? If not, quietly gather more until you have enough. Don't confront her about the texts or let her know otherwise she will be more careful to hide things better.

    In the meantime, find out who this man is. See if you can find his family and friends on his facebook page. If you get access to his page, write down his relatives and friends before he blocks you.

    This is what one of the most successful Christian counselors advises on breaking up affairs. He has studied 10,000s of marriages, many with affairs, and studied what worked in those marriages who survived affairs. So his advice for affairs is a follows:

    Once you have enough evidence, all at once and without warning expose her affair to anyone who could be of influence to her with a short note (or call) saying "You are an important person in [wive's] life, and I'm sorry to tell you this but she is having an affair with [name of guy]. [Daughter] and I would appreciate it very much if you would contact [wife] to persuade her to forsake the affair and work on our marriage."

    To the man's contacts, send out a similar letter, but letting them know his affair is breaking up a family with a 14 year old daughter who is also hurt and confused. Ask them to persuade him to leave your wife alone and stop breaking up your family.

    At the same time, confront the man. Tell him to leave your wife alone.

    All of this activity is to persuade the man that your wife is too much trouble to pursue and to try to find someone else. It will also bring your wife out of her fantasy and back to reality. She will be VERY angry at you for a while, until the fog of her affair starts to clear. However, your marriage can survive her temporary anger but it cannot survive an affair.

    I personally have been involved with or followed many cases that either did or would not take this advice (as a lay volunteer on the forum in his ministry). Any betrayed spouse who did not take these steps did not experience a recovered marriage. No marriage I've been witness to recovered from an affair without taking these steps.
     
  3. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +983
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    One more thing: don't move out of your home or the marital bed during this process.
     
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  4. Endeavourer

    Endeavourer Well-Known Member

    +983
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    If you don't want to save the marriage, that is up to you. With what you've reported, I'd give a high probability that she has already started an emotional affair, if not a physical one.

    However, even if you choose not to pursue the marriage, I'd still recommend exposure because otherwise she will spin the reason for your divorce into a fable where you were the devil and she is a poor abused angel.
     
  5. topher694

    topher694 Go Turtle!

    948
    +793
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    I'm sorry you are going through this.

    As a pastor who has counseled many people in similar situations, if everything you are saying is true, my advice would be to not get advice from here or anywhere else online. There is far, far too much going on for a series of anonymous posts to properly deal with. Your more likely to get bad or conflicting advice that doesn't take everything into account (no offense to anyone here). If you are seeking spiritual guidance, find a pastor you can trust and respect and then actually listen to him.
     
  6. MimiNonoko

    MimiNonoko New Member

    4
    +3
    United States
    Christian
    Married
    First, let’s pray. Heavenly Father in Jesus’ name guide my brother through this trial. Comfort and abide as he holds onto you to walk this journey with the wife he entered covenant with under your hand. Be his strength and his rock as he is his wife’s cover. Amen. I believe you should a) seek Christian couples counseling and b) encourage your wife to seek counseling herself. She sounds like me once. I acted out that way because I suffered from unhealed childhood sexual abuse trauma. Your wife has unhealed trauma even though it may not be sexual abuse. She needs help and you need support yourself to help her. Remember when she acts that way she isn’t coming from the emotional place of an adult at her current age. She’s coming from the little girl age when she first felt trauma. And believe me when I say she DOES love and want your love. She DOES NOT want that other guy. She just thinks going back to the familiar will save her from having to face what she can no longer deny — she needs help dealing with what’s eating her heart inside — unhealed trauma. Stay encouraged in Christ’s love brother and keep faith that the God who resurrected His son from death can make your marriage alive again. It will take time and perseverance and effort but it will be worth it!
     
  7. Frustratedhusband

    Frustratedhusband New Member

    2
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    United States
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Thank you for your reply. First, I don’t believe that she has had a physical affair. Whether or not she has had an emotional affair is up for debate. That being said, however, At this point in this rollercoaster of emotions I don’t know if I want this marriage to survive. After the things that have transpired this week, I dare say I want out as bad as she does. That does not mean that I am going to treat her badly. She told her sister that she was refusing intimacy with me so that I would more inclined to cheat. That position of her heart is unhealthy and I feel makes her just as guilty in the event that I did. I’m just tired of being treated the way that I’ve been treated considering I go to work and come home day after day. I wash dishes, cook, wash clothes. I get blamed for the way my children act and am told that I need to step up and be a man and belittled in front of my kids.

    She also twists and turns things to paint herself as the victim.

    I don’t even know where I was going with this post now as it seems I’m just venting. My apologies
     
  8. Angeldove97

    Angeldove97 In the Lord, my labor is not in vain Supporter

    +1,922
    United States
    Traditional. Cath.
    Married
    Have you asked her point blank if :
    1) If she still wants to be married to you?
    2) If she wants to separate and have a period of time to "figure things out"?
    3) Wants to go into marriage counseling with you to work on the marriage?
    4) Is feeling depressed or having mental health issues that she needs help with?

    I'll be frank with you - prior to marrying my husband, I took a few months off to see an old boyfriend. We did break off our relationship, but were still talking every day and trying to work out things (we were having our own difficulties - this can't just be blamed on the guy).

    I started a relationship with my ex, which was physical, but every time something happened, I thought to myself "but he's not like [my husband]". After about 1 or 2 months of this, I realized I was done and made a mistake. My husband was gracious through that period of time - knew what was happening without me telling him - and he still loved me. All of that right there proved to me that he was the one and I straightened up quickly.

    I wish I didn't go through that - I wish I didn't put my husband through that - but in some ways it solidified our relationship for the better. The ex has been blocked and there is a deep understanding that he is not to come back into my life for ANY REASON. Hubby doesn't throw it into my face and I respect that this person can't be a part of my life (I've known him since middle school).

    As for what you are going through, start taking care of yourself and your daughter. If divorce is how God is walking you towards, then do so prayerfully, full of love for your wife, and with the knowledge of how to care for yourself and daughter. Sounds like your wife may have hardened her heart towards you - if that is her will, then let her go towards what she wants.
     
  9. AlexSad

    AlexSad New Member

    9
    +2
    Belarus
    Non-Denom
    Married
    Why are you hesitating? You wait for your horns to grow. :)
    Let's admit it and face it. She disrespects you. She has fallen out of love with you and doesn't consider you her husband. Can't you see?
    Start loving yourself.
    Your only fault is you married the wrong woman.

    Oh, nearly forgot. And if she's been watching her ex and communicate to him all these years. I'd check on your kids...maybe they're not yours.
     
  10. iLove

    iLove Newbie

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    Once you leave the Cross to fix the problem...on your best day all you can do is patch it up! You cannot fix it. Because only the Cross deals with sin.

    Return to the Cross (repent) and ask God for His grace and mercy in this time of need. These problems we face are too severe to be talked out of anybody. The answer you seek, is found in the Cross. Many bypass the Cross for their solutions and Grace is cancelled. Only Grace is greater than sin. Victory only comes by Faith in Christ and the Cross. The operation of the Holy Spirit is accomplished through Faith and Grace. Romans 8:2

    Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me? Jeremiah 32:27

    The reason why any marriage, including their children, and finances, ect., is in chaos, is because the Believer Faith is misplaced. Their Faith is not placed and maintained exclusively in Christ and the Cross - It may be placed in Christ - but not the Cross (a lukewarm Christian). The result will be the works of the flesh and spiritual death (The sin nature is reactivated - Galatians 5:19-21). This is called Spiritual Adultery - another Jesus [Romans 7:1-4; 2 Corinthians 11:4; James 4:1-4; Revelation 2:1-7; Revelation 3:14-19]. You have forsaking the Cross for other ways and methods to bring victory and blessings (grace). The operation of the Holy Spirit is accomplished through Faith and Grace.

    “26 For if we sin willfully (the “willful sin” is the transference of Faith from Christ and Him Crucified to other things) after that we have received the knowledge of the Truth (speaks of the Bible way of Salvation and Victory, which is “Jesus Christ and Him Crucified” [I Cor. 2:2]), there remains no more Sacrifice for sins (if the Cross of Christ is rejected, there is no other Sacrifice or way God will accept),

    27 But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation (refers to God’s Anger because of men rejecting Jesus Christ and the Cross), which shall devour the adversaries. (It is hellfire, which will ultimately come to all who reject Christ and the Cross.)Hebrews 11:26-27

    Never allow any problem nor any circumstance to misplace your Faith from Christ and the Cross of Calvary where the victory was purchased and won. Unless the Believer submit to God's plan of victory, over sin, the world, the flesh, and the Devil, the result will always be defeat; the flow of grace stops (Romans 8:2; Galatians 2:21). The Life of Christ must be manifested through the power of the Holy Spirit in the Believer life to have victory (John 14:21; John 15:5; Romans 8:2).

    When the Believer doesn't understand how the "Law of the Spirit (Holy Spirit) of Life in Christ Jesus operates (Romans 8:2)," they enter back into the "Law of sin and death."

    Failing the Lord, in other words sinning, does not reactivate the sin nature. What reactivates the sin nature in the life of the Christian is misplaced faith. You are proclaiming Jesus, but ignoring the Cross (half measures won't do - lukewarm). This is called "spiritual adultery." Christ is become of no effect unto you, because you are you are frustrating grace. All born again Christians place their Faith in Jesus Christ and the Cross of Calvary for Salvation. But few Christians place and maintain their Faith exclusively in Christ and the Cross of Calvary for Sanctification. In other words, their Faith may be in Christ, but not the Cross, i.e., "The Finished Work," i.e., "The Blood of Jesus." The Apostle Paul calls this "another Jesus" (2 Cor. 11:4). The result will be the works of the flesh and spiritual death (the sin nature comes alive) Galatians 5:19-21.

    Christ must never be separated from the Work of the Cross; to do so is to produce "another Jesus" (2 Cor. 11:4). The Cross of Christ is as necessary for Sanctification as it is for Salvation (1 Cor. 1:18).

    “If the Believer doesn’t understand the Cross of Christ as it refers to Sanctification, in other words, how we live for the Lord on a daily basis, the only other alternative is “spiritual adultery.” And, to be sure, even as physical adultery destroys a marriage, likewise, “spiritual adultery” will destroy the marriage of the Believer with the Lord. It cannot be otherwise!”
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
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