Advice PLEASE!!!

[ConstantlySeeking]

I'm new to this and am seeking some godly advice. I am married 3 yrs now and we have 3 wonderful children. My marriage is in shambles; looks pretty bleek from the outside but I know my God is a God of restoration.

I am fighting alone to save my marriage. I am a born again Christian and my husband is not. He wants a divorce but divorce is not an option for me. I let him know that if he files the paperwork, I will sign but I won't file!

My story is a rather long one. We have been struggling for a while. My husband doesn't work; he stays home with the kids which was our agreement in the behinning. Now he just refuses to get a job where we are. We moved to a new location for my job last summer and he absolutely hates it here. He wants a divorce and wants to move back to our hometown. He tells everyone how miserable he is and that I'm holding him hostage. He has everyone thinking that he's "daddy daycare" and that I have his life on hold to watch kids which is totally not the case. He won't look for a job and I can't afford to put the baby in daycare based on my salary alone with paying ALL of the bills myself. I pray and cry and pray and cry some more. I've found a wonderful church but he refuses to go because going to church will make me happy and he can't have that. He's very depressed and I think he's going thru an identity crisis. I talk to him about God, giving reference to the bible but it doesn't move him. He grows further apart. I'm just so tired of giving myself and giving my all and all he does is take. I work, I clean, I cook, I get the kids together and he says he refuses to help me because I have him miserable. Just the other night we were in bed and "nothing" happened. He lays on his back and waits for me to do EVERYTHING. I don't remember the last time he has pleased ME. He just takes and takes and it's drained me. So we fall asleep and he wakes up in the middle of the night furious because I didn't please him. He said that was the straw for him, he's done, he's never touching me again and that it takes 21 days to break a habit and then I will be out of his system. He wants me to send him back home. I was amazed. He had every opportunity to please me but instead he gets upset because I didn't please him. It's so draining...I know he's going through ALOT within himself but he treats me like I'm the enemy. He belittles me, calles me names, broke, worthless having no work ethic. He tells his family all our business, he has me looking like a monster to people who don't even know me. I'm the laughing stock of their conversations because I refuse to give up on our marriage. This battle is a spiritual battle and I really feel that the devil is after us so hard trying to ruin us because he sees our assignment for the Kingdom. Please pray that God heals my husbands mind and heart and clears his vision. I know to some I may look like a fool but I really feel that I must "Be still and know that God is working behind the scenes.

 

[FundiMentalist]

Sounds like you're going through a lot. I care.

 

[bbfantastic]

i am going through a similar thing. i am a christian and my husband is not. we were fine when we got married and coped ok but hes recently started smoking drugs and its all gone down hill from there and we are arguing a lot, i almost left yesterday but we have a baby together and are expecting number two and i have a step daughter so we r a big family and i always think i cant split us up but im at my witts end. i spoke to my prayer group today and i was given the advice to "stop trying to fix your marriage. step aside, give it to God and let him fix it if that is his will!" good advice on paper but tears at the heart. i need to have some serious talks with God before im ready to give up trying and let God take over.xx

 

[ConstantlySeeking]

i am going through a similar thing. i am a christian and my husband is not. we were fine when we got married and coped ok but hes recently started smoking drugs and its all gone down hill from there and we are arguing a lot, i almost left yesterday but we have a baby together and are expecting number two and i have a step daughter so we r a big family and i always think i cant split us up but im at my witts end. i spoke to my prayer group today and i was given the advice to "stop trying to fix your marriage. step aside, give it to God and let him fix it if that is his will!" good advice on paper but tears at the heart. i need to have some serious talks with God before im ready to give up trying and let God take over.xx

I am so sorry and I know its hard. It helps to have a prayer group and a good support system. I don't have that. We just moved to a new area with ni family or friends. I have been searching for prayer groups, and praying that God would send a christian mentor because its tough. I have been told to do the same things but, in your opinion, what exactly does it mean to stop trying to fix the marriage and give it to God??? I have always struggled with this concept because as women, we always try to look for a solution and fix things. Do you just continue to live your life without thinking about your marriage or your spouse?

 

[bbfantastic]

I think it means to trust God. the lady giving out the advice was saved and lived with her unsaved husband for two painful years. they were on the brink of destruction, his bags were packed and he was organising a flat to move into. she said she got down on her knees and prayed to God. She said she couldnt fight any more and she was giving her husband to Him to do His will. She broke the soul-tie, she stepped away from the responsibility. she stopped blaming herself. she basically said "lord its now or never because i can not cope" soon after he had a touch from the Lord, he is now a man of God and sat next to me confirming her story. There is only so much we can do, and then comes the power of God. We need to know when all weve tried is not enough, we have to let God take the reins xx

 

[Love486]

Sometimes we hold onto things so tightly in our own minds and hearts that we don't hear what The Lord is saying to us. Let him go. If he wants out of the marriage let him. We need to get ourselves out of the way so that God can get in the situation. That battle is the Lords. Pray for him.

 

[Bro in Christ]

1 cor 7... If he what a divorce have peace let him go and marry a believer

 

[JohnTX]

I know is hard to look beyond biblical answers to this problem, but it sounds to me like your husband, as well as being a rather unpleasant individual, is suffering from Adjustment Disorder which can bring about depression and hostility. You said nothing about his behavior or lifestyle before the move. I know from personal experience that moving city for my wife's job and giving up my own led to a lot of depression. That also fuelled a lot of feelings of hostility, though I never behaved like you describe your husband. You can never describe in a forum the whole picture so don't take anyone's advice to literally.

 

[Bro in Christ]

food intolerances with extreme drive is a terribble place to be in too!

 

[Love486]

I am so sorry and I know its hard. It helps to have a prayer group and a good support system. I don't have that. We just moved to a new area with ni family or friends. I have been searching for prayer groups, and praying that God would send a christian mentor because its tough. I have been told to do the same things but, in your opinion, what exactly does it mean to stop trying to fix the marriage and give it to God??? I have always struggled with this concept because as women, we always try to look for a solution and fix things. Do you just continue to live your life without thinking about your marriage or your spouse?

When we are open to hearing what The Lord is saying his light shines even into the darkest of places to bring out truth in our lives and situations. We need to understand and see that when people are hurting us to extremes there is undoubtably a reason behind them. (Hurting people, hurt people). This does by no means let the person off the hook for their behavior, but it will give us wisdom and understanding. The bible is full of behaviors, in the quote above I have to agree, that is a good place to start. We can't by no means judge the heart of a person, but we can judge every word and action that they let out of their mouth. This scripture is from James 3:14-16 KJV
[14] But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. [15] This wisdom descendeth not from above, but is earthly, sensual, devilish. [16] For where envying and strife is , there is confusion and every evil work. The truth is there, when we ask for wisdom God gives it. The answers are there. We can't fix people that's the Lords place, but we can have peace in the storm and know the God has our best in mind and he doesn't want us hurt. God loves you..

 

[bethrow]

I married my husband who was not a Christian and it was so hard. After several years of marriage he stopped going to church and told me he no longer believed in God. This crushed me, but I told him to do whatever he wanted, but he wasn't going to stop me from teaching my son about Jesus.
I stopped talking about God, what the sermons were about, what I learned from God at women's bible studies etc. I just stopped talking about it. While he was at work I I taught my son about Jesus and took him around other Christians with kids. Over time God has worked in his heart. I don't push, but I can tell God has worked on him.
You cannot change this man. Only God can change this man.
Have you talked with the ladies at your church about what is going on? If he decides to leave maybe one of the ladies could watch the children for you during the day while you work? Maybe you could make her a meal in return if you don't have money to pay her or offer to do something nice for her.
This is just a suggestion.
If you let your husband go and file for divorce...God will provide for you. I know divorce isn't what you want and it will be hard as a single mother, but this man sounds as if he doesn't really care about you or your needs and you are doing most of it all now anyway. It sounds like he is doing more taking rather than giving. Instead of telling you he hates it there and giving up then he needs to help provide for his family.
When my husband said what your husband said about leaving and getting a divorce I said,"Then go.....I cannot push you to love me, be there for me, be responsible and provide for our child...just go." I ended up going back to the states for 2 1/2 months. After that he said he wanted me to come back. Things were still different, but things are much better now and he is going to church and prays at dinnertime some times. He is saved, but he's a baby Christian.
Just pray, get people to pray at church, usually the women of the church will surround their sister in Christ when she is hurting and in need of support and love.
Praying that God convicts your husband's heart and opens his eyes.

 

[Bro in Christ]

amen.. 1 peter 3:1-7 at hand

 

[intojoy]

I'm new to this and am seeking some godly advice. I am married 3 yrs now and we have 3 wonderful children. My marriage is in shambles; looks pretty bleek from the outside but I know my God is a God of restoration.

I am fighting alone to save my marriage. I am a born again Christian and my husband is not. He wants a divorce but divorce is not an option for me. I let him know that if he files the paperwork, I will sign but I won't file!

My story is a rather long one. We have been struggling for a while. My husband doesn't work; he stays home with the kids which was our agreement in the behinning. Now he just refuses to get a job where we are. We moved to a new location for my job last summer and he absolutely hates it here. He wants a divorce and wants to move back to our hometown. He tells everyone how miserable he is and that I'm holding him hostage. He has everyone thinking that he's "daddy daycare" and that I have his life on hold to watch kids which is totally not the case. He won't look for a job and I can't afford to put the baby in daycare based on my salary alone with paying ALL of the bills myself. I pray and cry and pray and cry some more. I've found a wonderful church but he refuses to go because going to church will make me happy and he can't have that. He's very depressed and I think he's going thru an identity crisis. I talk to him about God, giving reference to the bible but it doesn't move him. He grows further apart. I'm just so tired of giving myself and giving my all and all he does is take. I work, I clean, I cook, I get the kids together and he says he refuses to help me because I have him miserable. Just the other night we were in bed and "nothing" happened. He lays on his back and waits for me to do EVERYTHING. I don't remember the last time he has pleased ME. He just takes and takes and it's drained me. So we fall asleep and he wakes up in the middle of the night furious because I didn't please him. He said that was the straw for him, he's done, he's never touching me again and that it takes 21 days to break a habit and then I will be out of his system. He wants me to send him back home. I was amazed. He had every opportunity to please me but instead he gets upset because I didn't please him. It's so draining...I know he's going through ALOT within himself but he treats me like I'm the enemy. He belittles me, calles me names, broke, worthless having no work ethic. He tells his family all our business, he has me looking like a monster to people who don't even know me. I'm the laughing stock of their conversations because I refuse to give up on our marriage. This battle is a spiritual battle and I really feel that the devil is after us so hard trying to ruin us because he sees our assignment for the Kingdom. Please pray that God heals my husbands mind and heart and clears his vision. I know to some I may look like a fool but I really feel that I must "Be still and know that God is working behind the scenes.

According to Scripture you cannot initiate a divorce as the believer. If the unbeliever desires to leave the marriage you are free to remarry. If you were saved before you were married then it was a sin to marry him. Like any sin, marrying an unbeliever is forgivable but we still have to live with the consequences of the sin which may include finances, divorce and in your case children together. If you were saved after you got married you haven't disobeyed the scriptures at all. Either way, God had called you. You need to stand up for yourself to your husband and refuse to compromise your walk in Christ. Things like fellowship and growing in your knowledge of the word are what God has commanded you to do. If an unbelieving spouse is forbidding you to obey The Lord in these areas you are to stand up to them on the basis of your relationship to Christ. If the unbelieving spouse does not want to allow this in your life you are not to obey their wishes but let them know that you have dedicated your life as a living sacrifice to The Most High God and if that spouse wants out of the marriage let them depart. If you think there's hope in him then by all means try to save the marriage, I'm only writing this to let you know what the bible says is an option for you.
And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. (1 Corinthians 7:13-15 KJV)

 

[Lethe]

Yikes. Sounds like he needs to work on things. Have you tried bargaining? Something along the lines of, "yes, I know you need some time to yourself, figure out how we're going to take care of our kids and you can have that time."

I know to some I may look like a fool but I really feel that I must "Be still and know that God is working behind the scenes.

It seems like your previous plan was to stick things out and wait patiently for him to come to his senses. That doesn't appear to be working. Maybe a new plan?

 

[Avniel]

If you move will it be any better?