Advice, PLEASE!

[herzlieb]

I will give you the abbreviated version. My father has been an abusive alcoholic for as long as I can remember. 6 1/2 yrs ago I was over his house, he was drinking and our conversation went from good to very bad in matter of minutes. He started cussing and threw me out of his house.

I made a decision to write him a letter to tell him how upset I was. I also included all of the years of abuse that we all tolerated and that I would not allow him to do that again. I left the note in his mailbox expecting him to call and we would discuss it. I WAS WRONG! He and I have had minimal, at best, conversations since.

I have recently rededicated my life to the Lord. But, I still do not have peace, I still have alot of anger. I know that I must ask for his forgiveness, for what I am not sure. I just need more christian perspective on this.

Sheila

 

[OldBadfish]

Welcome to Christian Forums herzlieb!

First I will pray for your situation.


Second, my advice is do not give up on your father! Write him another letter, call him, as a Christian you must show your father your forgiveness for his actions. Also you must show him love.

Do not fret if at first he is unresponsive, with prayer he just may come around! If he doesn't you gave it your best shot.

I pray that your father will be delivered from alcoholism and that you and him will make ammends

You also must continue to pray daily (or more) for this.

God Bless you!

 

[Mandy]

I can relate to your situation with your father, mine was much the same way (actually still is, but he is not in my life any more).

I think what you did was good, that you let him know how you feel. Feeling angry toward your father isn't sin, but you have to let it go and not let it become a root of bitterness. I think it is great that you have rededicated yourself to the Lord, that is the first step to healing. Why do you feel that you must ask for your father's forgiveness? Sometimes the best thing you can do is simply pray for him and just keep walking with the Lord and let Him heal you.

I will keep you in prayer.

Also welcome to the forums.

 

[herzlieb]

Thanks Guys!

Somehow he feels due an apology. I have also been getting the message often, lately, that if you hurt someone it is your responsibility to apologize. Can you see my confusion?

 

[Auntie]

If an apology could serve to reconcile you to your father, then by all means, aplogise! Even if you spoke the truth to him, an apology can just mean "I am sorry if my words hurt you, and I want you to know I love you very much".

My father, who is now passed away, was also an abusive alcoholic. I learned that I had to be willing to accept whatever relationship I could eek out of the situation. We would go years without speaking, but when we spoke I always made sure he knew that I loved him.

Have you tried going to Al-anon meetings? They can be very helpful.

Sheila, I too used to have a lot of anger at my father. You must deal with that anger. I finally realized that my dad was to be pitied. This softened my heart towards him. I thought of all the wonderful relationships that he had lost out on, because of his alcoholism.

Try to accept your dad as he is. And learn to love him warts and all. Accepting him as he is, is a way of honoring him. You do not have to agree or approve of his lifestyle, merely accept: This is who my father is.

 

[amie]

Hi herzlieb,
when it involves someone we love...tell him the things he needs to hear, not the things we want to say...you have already told him those things in a letter, he feels hurt, apologize my dear, this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship. I am praying for and with you, I am here for you if you ever want to talk. be patient with him and never stop giving up on him...I am praying for and with you my friend...I am just a click away when you need me. Love and blessings and prayers are heading up right now...If you are interested there is a book by alice miller called thou shall not be aware. I think it may help you immensely my friend, check it out if you get the chance, and once again anything I can do to help, let me know. I will counsel you anytime you need it. God Bless you...
Amie

 

[Remny]

Ah, I really can't say I know much about this kind of situation. What I do know is that anger... while it is a valid emotion it does not ever accomplish anything good. At this point showing your anger will only further alienate your father... I think!

If you show him love, and bring him closer to you, he'd have more reason to care about what makes you angry. But if you're already distant, it's easy for him to turn you off like a bad noise.

It's not your job to change your father... or put up with him if he choses to be this way. You can only be there for him if he needs and wants a relationship with you, so let him know you want to be there for him, when you do this, try not to use words like "but" and "if". That just undoes your good will.

Some people will never change, it does no good to hound them, only leave the door open and let them know you care. If you are too angry with him to be this way, well understand the best way to "get back" at him is to make him care for you, and you do that by careing for him. Then he can one day realize what he's put you through, but he won't untill you guys become closer.

I will pray for you, and I'm sorry to hear about this...

Benjamin Jeanotte

 

[solo66 man]

My dad was never an alcoholic. But I wish he were, then i would have had an excuse for all his violence.
he finally disowned me. He accused me of saying something i never said. It was not until I was saved several years later (20) and I forgave all he ever did and lost the anger and burden I carried around for so many years that God allowed him to come back into my life as a parent. He is still pretty much the same, but the difference is in me.
God saved me from all the anger, fear, sadness, and confusion. Pray for him but ask God to forgive him for you and to give you that same forgiveness in your heart so you can forgive him too.
It takes awhile but you will be amazed at the difference in outlook on life in general.

 

[herzlieb]

Thank-you all for all your kind words and prayers. I have been deeply touched by your sincerity and love. With every message read I have cried tears of comfort. I am coming closer and closer to an answer to this mystery.

 

[Auntie]

Many hugs to you, herzlieb.

And prayers.

 

[OldBadfish]

I'm still praying too!

 

[Living for Him]

I too can relate. My father went to prison when I was 5, and filed for divorce from my mom. My mom remarried my step-dad 2 years later. I too wish he had been an alcoholic, because he would have had an excuse for the physical abuse that followed for 11 years until I turned 18, and left that same day.

For years I hated him. For hurting me, but the worst was seeing him still hurting my mom. My beautiful, wonderful mother. Slowly on his own, as he aged he mellowed, he doesn't physically hurt my mom anymore, but the anger and the hate was still there. Only recently, did I realize that hating him, only hurt myself. And it also triggered a long string of bad choices.

Let go, and let God. That was some of the advice I wish I had followed a long time ago. He knows the desires of our hearts and he does answer our prayers, and remember, Gods time is not our time. He never works at the pace we would want him to, but his way is higher then our ways. Isaiah 55:9.

I am praying for you.

Living for him, Lori