Advice on how to handle ex?

[trying2be]

My ex and I have a daughter and we share custody. We went through a very messy court process where he did everything he could to try and take my daughter away (just because I wouldn't return to the relationship - it was abusive and he was openly cheating and I made the decision to get out. He swore when I left him that he would make my life horrible for the rest of my life). Court was so difficult becuase he had all these horrible allegations that made me sound like a bad mother but all of them were found to be false. I got through the whole court proceedure and thought there would be nothing he could really do to me now and I could move forward in my life.

I've tried through this whole thing to forgive him. I try and be a good Christian witness to show him that he doesn't need to fight with me and that things would be better for our daughter if we could actually get along. I pray for him daily. But he never stops... I constantly get emails that accuse me of something (like he accused me of violating our custody order by witholding medical information... the information was that she needed immunization shots, which is common knowledge to any parent who pays attention to their childs medical needs, plus it's in her file at the doctor's office which he has access to anytime and I sent him an email inviting him to the appointment well in advance and explained that she needed her immunization shot). He comes at me with so much negativity and I feel like he's trying to wear me down with petty items. When I get these emails from him I usually ignore the negativity and reply to him calmly and positively.

Last week I got an email from him accusing me of following him and his girlfriend in someone's car. The day he accused me of doing this I was staying at a friend's house (I was there all weekend and wasn't even in the area he was in) but I think I'm at my breaking point. My daughter doesn't want to be at his house most times and she's called me crying on a few occasions saying she just wants me and can she come home. I don't know what's going on with him but I think his issues with me are spilling over into my daughter's life. I just want a positive relationship for my daughter's sake... I don't care about his personal life, I never liked arguing but he seems to not want to give up this beahvior and I don't kwow what to do. Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[PolarBear3]

I think you're handling this really well by responding to him calmly and trying to forgive him. I would recommend saving the emails you receive from him and the ones you send to him. If either of you ever decide to fight for more custody, you may need them in order to show that you are following the custody order and being a responsible mom.

How long ago did you divorce? How old is your daughter? Could she not want to be at his house because she is still adjusting? Have you and/or your daughter considered counseling to help you cope?

I wish I had more suggestions, but I think you're on the right track by trying to do the right thing despite what he's doing.

Kathy

 

[PolarBear3]

The other thing I would suggest, is to remember that you cannot control his reactions even if you happen to be the most reasonable person in the world. So try to keep in mind that you are not responsible for his behavior - he is. I hope that by continuing to act in a positive way, that will give you some peace.

Kathy

 

[ukok]

If he continues to harrass you and your daughter does not want to be with him i would suggest that you tell him that unless he makes a concerted effort to stop harrassing you and to make your daughters time with him more enjoyable, that you will have no option but to go back to the solicitors to have a 'contact plan' put in place whereby he will be allowed no personal contact with you and your daughter will have to see her father at a supervised contact centre. (also, change your email address...he does not have to have your email address).

Because he has been used to abusing you, dominating you and wearing you down to make himself feel good for so long, he thinks he can continue to influece you to feel negative even though you are no longer together.

You have to gather all your strength and send a clear signal to him that you are serious about taking action against him if he continues this harassment.

He has no control over you anymore unless you let him have control. It is hard to stand up to bullies, i know, i had to do it myself, it can be done.

Praying for you.

 

[tryingtobeagain]

Sorry for the name switch... It's still the same user...

Thanks so much for the encouragement... I'm finding it harder and harder to deal with him. Last week he tried to break our custody agreement and take her to a strange Doctor. Our agreement says that we have to agree on Dr's and that he has to provide me with the appointment time and date and also the medical info (why he's taking her to the Dr). He won't give me the reason, and he gave me the wrong office. Luckily I called first and they had no record of my Daughter and then when I mentioned the Dr she was supposed to see they said that Dr doesn't have an office there. I tracked the Dr down and it was in another town... I can't believe he would do this when I always give him proper notice of her appointments. I don't know what to do anymore... I don't want to go back to court because I can't afford it but I feel like that's going to have to happen. We argue so much that we specified in our order that we would communicate via email and I've sent him several emails and he won't respond or tell me anything about my Daughter. I don't know what to do...

 

[SingleMom984]

I can relate very well to what you are going through. I feel so sorry for you that you have to deal with such a difficult person, it must be unbelievably stressful. I would take the other poster's advice and save all these e-mails that you are getting from him, and also write down the dates and incidents and what your daughter has said regarding the situation. How old is your daughter?

I think you have been very brave. Are there any good lawyers you could talk to? Most importantly remember what the Bible says about Jesus's love for children. God loves children so much, and he will not let anything happen to her that he hasn't pre-ordained. I don't remember where, but it says somewhere in Matthew 'it is better someone have a millstone tied around their neck than to hurt one of these little ones'. That's probably not exactly how it's worded, but you get the idea. Try to take things day by day as much as you can, I know it's easier said than done. I am going through a lot of the same stuff, if you ever want to e-mail me you can.

Best of luck!!

 

[romans324]

I can relate somewhat. Except she goes to church, a woman's group, her cell rings over and over and says i am calling her. When at that time I am with a pastor at another church. She accusses me of alot, like I force the kids to be bad for her, or I say stuff about her. Yet she is living with a bf and we still haven't finshed the divorce yet. The advice that was given to me was keep it short and sweet about this kids and only the kids if they stir off into another topic stop him or tell him you will end the conversation. If he fits tell him you will only talk if you are treated with respect and hang up the phone. If he calls you over and over let the machine get it. You can use voice mail and answering machines as proff of harassment if he swears or threates you in anyway.