Advice on growing in "like" for your spouse?

[ValleyGal]

I guess I'm wondering if you ever stop liking or appreciating the things you liked about your spouse when you first married -- his sense of humor, her generosity, his thoughtfulness, or her intelligence -- because other (negative) qualities start overshadowing them? I'm not trying to be a downer, I'm just asking as someone who is contemplating marriage. Thank you again.[/QUOTE]

One thing that attracted me to my first husband was his "nonchalance." I was impressed with how well he managed his stress and let things roll off his back. After a few years of marriage, though, it was not "nonchalance" anymore; rather, the way I started interpreting it was that he did not give a rip about me or anyone else but himself. So yes, I had originally been attracted to something that I eventually grew to hate.

Before you marry, take the qualities that you find endearing, and think about them in the worst way you can. Is his current great sense of humour something that will become about turning everything (even serious stuff) into a joke? Will his current intelligence suddenly seem like he is a know it all who never admits to not knowing something or even being wrong? Then ask yourself if you can live with those qualities.

Growing in "like" might have more to do with character or personality, though. I like people who can carry on deep, quality conversations, people who care about the minutia of my life, and people who have integrity. This applies to my friends as well as my husband. If my husband stopped caring about the minutia of my life due to hardness in his heart, I would likely stop liking him so much in response. But if he had a head injury and could no longer carry on good conversation, I would still like him because he did not deliberately do something to damage the relationship. I like him - and my many friends - when they care about me, and I reciprocate. To some people I am likeable, and I care about my friends.

 

[Nerd Girl Supreme]

Definitely don't always "like" my man, and I don't think there's any way to magically force myself to like him during those times. What holds us together is knowing that God created us for each other, we're meant to be, and when you dig past all the junk and gunk of life and our imperfections, we are truly and deeply committed to each other. Trying to see him as God sees him also helps. It helps me love him through his imperfections and the little things that bug me lol. And vice versa, I know I drive him crazy at times, too. But keeping God as our anchor, and both of us being committed for life from the very beginning; that's key.

So - no, I don't always like him, and I don't think I need to. I always love him, and that's what matters more.

 

[Jenster]

Everything basically! We had a rough start, a story that is too long to even try to tell here, but we ended up separating for about 7 months while we each learned how to be a Godly spouse.

I'm glad everything worked out for you, motherprayer!

Would you miss him if he was gone? I'm not asking if you would be lonely without someone there. Would you miss HIM??

Someone else has asked me that. I've been single and independent for so long, I'm not sure if I would miss anyone, tbh. Not in the way I've heard other people talk about it. But my bf is loving, funny and has good values. I'm not with him just to be with someone. If there's a "but...", it's that I can be pretty brainy, and bf is not of that same mold. But like ValleyGal was saying, brilliant can turn into know-it-all over time. My bf is a humble guy, which I appreciate.

Ephesians 5:26-27 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

This is God's goal for marriage, we basically, made our goal, mutual righteousness.

What a beautiful goal, and reality for you. This challenges me to ask how can I encourage his righteousness, his love for the Lord?

One thing that attracted me to my first husband was his "nonchalance." I was impressed with how well he managed his stress and let things roll off his back. After a few years of marriage, though, it was not "nonchalance" anymore; rather, the way I started interpreting it was that he did not give a rip about me or anyone else but himself. So yes, I had originally been attracted to something that I eventually grew to hate.

I had a similar experience with a bf. I was initially attracted to his wonderful, funny personality, but after a time I realized that he was that way in part because he focused on himself so much. Didn't leave much room for me!

 

[razzelflabben]

What a beautiful goal, and reality for you. This challenges me to ask how can I encourage his righteousness, his love for the Lord?

seems to me that you start by praying for him and asking him to participate with you in this quest for mutual righteousness, even if you aren't married, friends can share in this quest, in fact, scripture teaches that we are all the body of Christ, a body working together for the goal of righteousness. Might also ask if he will study relationships in scripture with you...maybe even get a group together to study. Just some thoughts for what it's worth.

 

[J0hnSm1th]

^^^^ the previous two posters expressed many of my own thoughts. Love is more important than like. "In love" is just a silly expression and I have never understood why peopole differentiate between "in love" and "love". You either love someone and are willing to commit to them for life, or forget it.

The "i love them but i'm not in love with them" claim is made by many who want divorce. You "love" your family and friends. But you are only "in love" with your spouse. The difference being "intimacy". If you are not "in love" with your spouse then you won't have desire and passion for them. A lack of passion makes honest open intimacy very difficult.