Advice Needed

[Hediru]

Ok. I am 22. My boyfriend is 25. We have been dating for 3 1/2 years, most of which has been long-distance. We love each other very much and are contemplating getting engaged soon. The problem is, if he would pop the question today, I don't know what I'd say. My heart wants to say yes, but my mind is unsure. Here's why. Yes, we've been dating for awhile, but we've hardly seen each other. Do we really know each other enough to really be in love? The second reason, and the much more important one is about him and his ambition, or rather the lack thereof. He's been out of college for 3 years, and still has not found a career that he loves. In fact, he's been working as a restaurant host for the past year. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that he finally found a job that he loves, but its not exactly a job you can do for the rest of your life. But that's not the most bothersome part. It worries me that he seems to have no desires for the future other than marrying me. Meanwhile, I just graduated college in May, and I have secured a position at a local church that I both love and can make a career out of it. If, for some reason that we broke up, which I hope not, my life wouldn't change too drastically, because I still at least have an idea of what I'd like to do with the rest of my life, with or without him. But he, on the other hand, would have to start over from scratch. I am very uncomfortable with that idea. I mean there's a difference between being the center of his universe and being his universe. I love him, and I know that he loves me. We are both Christians, and he is super supportive of me and my ministry. I'd love to support him and his dreams too, if I only knew what they were! Any advice on this matter? And will you pray for us, too? I just want to do the right thing by God.

 

[Miss_Music]

hmmm.... the only thing that i can suggest is to just ask him what his dreams are. you've been together for about the same time as me and my BF and if i was in your situation i would just let him know how i felt. let him know about your concerns, it could save you and your BF from a rather uncomfortable situation if he does pop the question and you say no. just be honest with him. by now you've probably talked about every subject there is to talk about... why shouldn't this be one of them?

 

[Sploge]

... his intentions may be gettign settled. because you may be able to show him soem thign in his life that he think's... "BING BING BING" that's what i want to do... as soon as he mayrry's you that is the BEST thing out of his head he woudl be able to concerntrate on what to do next...

but i do see where your commign from... do you Love the guy through God or though you?? as in has God acepted both of you to be together. have you given the Relationship to God to see what he think's.?? i am not tryign to say DO it or anythign tbu this coudl help you out by givign it ALL over to God not just yoru opinions and all but the HOLE LOT!!! dunno how much i have helpped but yeah!!!

Love Simon!!!

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

Hmm...yeah. I agree with Miss music. Guys you tend to have to just strait out ask them. Pray about it. That would be really hard decision, but totally understandable where you are coming from

 

[Hediru]

Thank you all for your help. Yes, I have given the relationship over to God. But it is just so hard. I know what I want to happen, but I'm not sure that I want to hear what God has to say about the relationship. But what if what I think God is saying about this is not really God but my own doubts? How do you discover what is right? I do not want to make the wrong decision!

 

[Leanna]

People don't "change" after marriage. So I guess the question is, if your guy always wanders from job to job and does not become financially successful, how much would it bother you? He may become successful in other areas, such as supporting you in your job, and being a good father. Maybe you would be the type to want to continue working after having children and maybe he would make a good stay at home dad. I am thinking outside the box here. But if him staying just the way he is with the job thing would bother you.... then you should consider breaking up. I'll be honest, it would bother me a lot. But not everyone is like me.

Another thing that concerns me is also what bothers you, big red flag here, "It worries me that he seems to have no desires for the future other than marrying me. " Yeah.... this screams emotional dependency.... and that's not really a good thing. You have to again consult your personality. I actually know one guy who married a girl who he thinks "needs" him. This appeals to him. On the other side I am an independent person and I want a man who is going to be strong and "go somewhere" not just need me, or need to marry me, or need to be near me. So you have to ask yourself.... does this appeal to you? Does it repel you? This is another area he may not change in after marriage. Also......... men who really want to marry someone and that's it are much more likely to become controlling AFTER marriage but carefully hide their jealous and manipulative tendencies until after marrage.

Just some things to think about!

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

As others said, I simply recommend you talk to him about it. And yes, with guys it is best to flat out say what you're thinking. We're not too quick on hints, and frankly hate them. lol Guys don't hint to other guys, if someone's even annoying, we say it, or just stop hanging around them all together. Girls need to be the same way with us. NONE of us like guessing games as we're usually quick to fail.

 

[Hediru]

Thank you all again for all of your help. I agree with alot of what you all have said. I have no doubt in my mind that he will be an excellent husband and father someday. He is just so good, and gentle, and understanding with me, and man, you should just see him with kids. He will be a great father! My main concern is the whole needy part. Yes, he needs me, and I am kind of drawn to that. It is nice to be needed. And I know that he will be there to support me emotionally during the moments that I am more needy. But, I am not comfortable with the idea of him being a stay-at-home dad. I've grown up in a family where finances are tight, even with both parents working. It has caused so much turmoil and unhappiness for me while growing up. I do not want my children to have a childhood like mine, and because of this, I am reluctant to believe that in today's world a family can survive on only one income. Especially since that the career path that God has chosen for me doesn't exactly pay much. (God is calling me to be a pastor, and I am currently working in youth ministry while saving up money to attend seminary.) I want to believe that if God truly wants me to be a pastor, and if God truly wants Steve and I to be together, money won't be an issue. I think it goes back to my parents. My mother and I are a lot alike. She also works in the church and is the breadwinner of the family. She resents my dad for his lack of better employment, and has told me several times that if it weren't for my sister I, she would want to go back in time and marry someone else. And I'm worried that that might be my future as well. What Steve and I have right now is so special. I don't want to ruin it over something as simple as money. Sorry this was a long response. He is coming in next weekend. (We've been long distance for 3 years, and he is hoping to get an apartment that is near mine during this trip, and move in by the end of October.) So if we need to be over, this would be the time to end it. Which I don't want to do.

 

[Ceris]

You need to be totally honest with him - tell him what you have told us and more. For this thing to work out he needs to really understand what it is that are your concerns and what's on your mind.

 

[Hediru]

Well all,
He got an apartment. Just around the corner from mine, too! So, why am I not excited? Isn't this what God wanted? I'm sure that if God didn't want us to be together, he'd make it so that we wouldn't be able to be together, right? Has it just not hit me yet because he hasn't actually moved in yet, or am I emotionless because I've really lost feelings for him? I don't know, and if I don't know myself, then I don't know what's up. He still doesn't have a job yet, and I still have all of these concerns. I'm going to talk to him about them when he comes in next weekend. I'd do it over the phone tonight, but its not exactly something I'd want to hear over the phone. I've brought up concerns to him before, but I always feel guilty, not because of anything he's done, but because of, well, me. He doesn't appear to have any problems with our relationship at all, except for the distance part, and in about a week, that won't be an issue anymore. Why am I the only one with concerns all the time? Am I overreacting, or am I just sensing warning signs that have dipped below his radar? So, pray for me next weekend when he comes in. Pray that all of my concerns get voiced, and that we can work something out for the better. Thanks for all of your advice. Now I just need prayers. Lots of prayers.

 

[Sojourner<><]

It sounds to me like you're afraid to make a commitment to this guy because you're so desperately worried about the future. What's more important to you? Financial security or the right man? Is he the right man? You both are young and there's going to be lots of change down the road no matter what. You can't know everything that's going to happen or expect everything to end up perfect. So do you think this guy is the one you want and need to be with you even when times are tough?