(Advice Needed) My long and Painfull Struggle with OCD

[Mr. Squid]

For pretty much my whole life I've been struggling with ocd, though I had no idea it was called ocd until recently; I've always had bad thoughts; I can remember when I was little one time I couldn't get the words G** d***it out of my head. Eventually though, it would go away. I suppose throughout my childhood years it would periodically come back from time to time, but never to the extend it did it the later portions of my life.

When I became a teenager, the things I started to think in my head intensified to the point I couldn't function normally, I can remember having to constantly stop what I was doing to ask for forgiveness. As you can imagine this can be quite annoying especially when you're trying to read a book or watch a movie. Eventually though, the brief period of storminess subsided and I was able to get on with my normal life... I wish I could say that was the end of it but no it gets worse unfortunately. The ocd attacks seemed to come in waves; for afew days I couldn't stop my blasphemy, then everything would go back to normal for a couple of weeks, then BAM! Their it was again my old friend OCD. Eventually it got to the point where I would loose sleep over it. I can remember being awake for hours in prayer, asking for forgiveness for what I had said in my head. I took it pretty well I suppose, I stuck it out for probably close to a year without seeking for help. One night I woke up after being asleep, it was about 4AM and no where near time to get up. Normally I would just go back to sleep but my head was filled with bad thoughts; I tossed and turned until I said "this is too much, I gonna seek help" so now where to turn, why none other that the good old Internet of course! Nowadays I regret that day and wish I'd never sought help, because once I did things took a turn for the worst...

I searched online for bad thoughts in my head expecting to find nothing, to my surprise their were a ton of people going through the same thing I was going through, I was optimistic until I came across someone fearing they had committed the unpardonable sin, at first I thought. "Ha! Their is no unpardonable sin where did he get this nonsense from?" and then I discovered a bible verse I had never read before... you know the one about the unpardonable sin... I was devastated... I tell you I was so scared, even as I'm writing this my heart is picking up speed slightly. I can remember my blood turn ice cold, and my heart racing at 100mph, I was shaking like nobody's business, as I read about the unpardonable sin... I started thinking about all of the eternity I would have to spend in hell, at this point sleep was out of the question, I just remember getting out of bed and pacing around the house trying to calm down. I hoped I read wrong and went to check again, sure enough my suspicion is confirmed... "It's over I thought." I didn't know what to do; I just laid down in my bed and started praying for forgiveness until I fell back to sleep again. I woke up that morning more depressed than I have ever been in my life. so I read and read and read until I stumbled across an article about the unpardonable sin, explaining what it is and how you couldn't have committed it. I was so relieve I went to pray that morning and I wept for freaking joy! I decided that I was a backsliden Christian and I was gonna repent of all my sins, read my bible and pray every day!

I wish my story ended their but sadly it does not. After afew days I started to question "Was that article truthful?" I went to do some more research, as you can Imagine I was depressed once again, and I went around moping for afew days, until I came across I video that re-re-assured me of my salvation and promise of eternal life. Not too long after I was reading my bible and I came across the verse about the unpardonable sin and went through another period of storminess. Essentially the point I'm trying to get across here was my constant fear and then reassurance, believe me, It happened a lot more than the times mentioned here.

I think the worst of my wavering assurance of salvation, was when I was so convinced I was going to hell, I thought it would be a good idea to work for the Devil, I mean maybe It wouldn't be so bad for me in hell that way; I know it sounds stupid now but at the time it sounded like a good idea. Eventually after some re-re-re-assurance I was ready to go back to God, only I was so embarrassed that I actually considered making a deal with Satan, I thought I wasn't worthy to be a child of God anymore... anyway I eventually got over this and turned back to God. I should probably have mentioned, my sin total went up on the days I thought I was going to hell, because I didn't think it would matter if I sin because I would go to hell anyways, so that's why I say I "turned back to God"

Eventually I started to question God, i mean if he's all loving and all powerful why can't me make these thoughts in my head stop, I probably should of also mentioned that the blasphemous thoughts were still going through my head. So I asked him if he would remove this burden from me. The prayer however wasn't answered and I began to think "What if he's not answering me because I've committed the unpardonable sin and now all that's left for me is eternal hell fire." I was tired and worn out by this point, my throat ached from repenting all day long, and I was mentally exhausted from having to stay on the same thought all day. Eventually I gave up, I gave up on God, I'm sorry I just couldn't take it anymore...

After two to three weeks I decided to give God another chance, I don't really remember all the details and it's 3AM so :/

Anyway long story short I got back to God though not to the full extent I was devoted to Him before, I would still work on getting back to reading my bible and praying every day.

Now here's where my current trouble comes in: I had a list of things I wanted to ask God, you know stuff like, Jesus or Yeshua, Saturday or Sunday Sabbath. I had a predicament though, how would I know if it was a demon or God that was talking to me; I mean if Saturday was the day of worship and a demon told me Sunday, how would I tell the difference, I never really done any of this confirmation stuff and I was unsure how to know if It was really God speaking. As I started to hypothesize about this, I thought that a miracle would be proof enough! then I thought "Nah, demons can do miracles too." I thought about healing miracles, and thought that demons can do those probably as well; then I realized that I just committed it just their... I thought that demons can do healing miracles; now I've done it it's over... Now the demons don't try to make me sin anymore because I've just committed the unpardonable one, God doesn't try to stop me from sinning because I've sinned beyond repair. I've contemplated going to hell so many times now that it doesn't even phase me that I committed it, the only thing that phases me is thinking about what I lost.

Worst of all, I've come to see the Holy Ghost an obstacle, rather than a comforter, every time I think about him and what I might of done to him, I feel the opposite of comforted... At this point every thing is messed up, I can't love God because I feel like, if I make one wrong move I'll be sent to Hell If I haven't already been sent their

 

[Riverwest]

Hi, I'm in noway a Doctor/therapist/counselor. I can only speak from my experience in dealing with this.

First of all you need to change the way you view God. It seems you have an unhealthy fear of God. Which is resulting in you obsessing over the unpardonable sin. God is not some cruel taskmaster, He is not out to get you every time you do wrong. You need to meditate on His goodness and His loving nature.

God loves us.

John 3:16King James Version (KJV)16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

We can see the Father through our Lord Jesus Christ.

John 14:7-9 King James Version (KJV) 7 If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him. 8 Philip saith unto him, Lord, show us the Father, and it sufficeth us. 9 Jesus saith unto him, Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known me, Philip? he that hath seen me hath seen the Father; and how sayest thou then, Show us the Father?

God is merciful, kind, understanding loving, and forgiving.

It seems your in a great bondage of fear, i was there too but God showed me how to deal with it. Those intrusive thoughts you get are just that intrusive thoughts. They are not from your heart, they are not how you feel right? They are just attacks and you need to know how to deal with them. First you need to know.

2 Timothy 1:7 King James Version (KJV) 7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

1 John 4:18 King James Version (KJV) 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

God did not give us the spirit of fear. We are being attacked by the enemy. We are in spiritual warfare. We need to put on the whole armor of God. Which is our Lord Jesus Christ. We are to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus. Know and believe what the Lord Jesus Christ did for us at calvary's cross. He sacrificed Himself for our sins, He died for us and was risen again by the Father for our justification. And by the way, Jesus Christ is the Sabbath.

How to deal with the attacks (intrusive thoughts) Do not pay them any attention. Do not ever think they are you thinking such things. Do not take responsibility for the intrusive thoughts. THEY ARE NOT YOU. So stop repenting and asking for forgiveness for something you don't feel. God knows your heart, remember that. God knows when you are having intrusive thoughts. He knows its not you. God knows us more than we know ourselves.

When you next have intrusive thoughts. You need to praise God. Thank God for loving you. say out loud *Thank you Jesus for loving me". Or say your own praises to God, from your heart. Remember who you are. You are a child of God. You are a new creature in Christ Jesus. Jesus blood covers you. You are made righteous through our Lord Jesus Christ. The past is dead and gone, the old you is dead and gone. Your sins have been forgiven and forgotten. You are a child of God, believe it.
Ignore the devil, do not give them any attention. Just praise God and they will flee.

James 4:7King James Version (KJV)7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I don't know if you have read my post http://www.christianforums.com/thre...ession-of-the-devil-and-condemnation.7947038/ Hopefully it will help also.

Best thing to do is get to know God better. Read your Bible. Write down scriptures that speak to you in a notebook. Read the Word of God. Everything you need is there.

I have a whole notebook full of scriptures about what God teaches on, comfort, healing, love, forgiveness, comfort, trust, peace, strength, protection. 200 pages of written scriptures in my notepad that after i pray to God i will open randomly and there's always a comforting scripture from God that helps me through and keeps me holding on tight to God and not letting those intrusive thoughts get the better of me.

Trust God and his Word, Hold on tight to God. He loves you and doesn't want you to suffer. He will not let you fall.

Isaiah 41:10King James Version (KJV) 10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

 

[Mr. Squid]

Hello, thank you for replying back; first off I just wanted to apologize for not responding to you, I was slightly fed up at the time and I just didn't feel like facing my problems. I understand a great deal more now, you mentioned that I have a unhealthy fear of God, which after examining myself I believe to be true; I can remember having this lingering thought at the back of my mind, I was thinking about how people always say they have so much peace after turning to Jesus, for me it's more or less the opposite, as I feel that forgetting about Jesus provides me with more peace. I didn't notice it at the time but now that you've pointed it out It's blatantly obvious. Though I am still confused, I was more or less completely backsliden just afew months ago, that was when I believed you could just ask for forgiveness and continue to live a terrible life, I guess I jumped on the other side of the boat and became consumed in fear.

Their were a couple more things you said in your other post I wanted to address, but I'll address those a bit later.
One last thing though, you mentioned that Jesus was the Sabbath but that dosn't really make any sense because In mathew 24:24 it says... But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day: it's clear He is talking about an actual day here. But anyway thank you for responding, God Bless and Have a nice Day.