Advice Needed And Appreciated

[akirischan]

My boyfriend is Christian, and I am agnostic. We are really serious about each other, and it's taken a long time to get to this point. His faith is so important to him, and because I love him and care for him so much, I want to know this vital part of him. However, that means having to face my fears and try to understand Christianity and accept Christ.

However, in the meantime, his parents have written me off (without ever trying to get to know me) as not good enough for him because I'm not religious. I got accepted to a prestigious college consequently in the same city as his first choice, (we really did not plan it, it's a complete coincidence that our schools worked out this way) and when he told his parents they said they wouldn't help him pay for college if he goes to his first choice. He doesn't think he can get enough scholarship, work, or loan money to pay it off (the school is already giving him $15,000) and because of his parents pressuring him, he's afraid to do what he really wants or speak up for himself.

So here are my questions:
What can I do to help keep him strong?
What can I do to show his parents I'm not terrible, that I'm genuinely trying, that he and I are really in love?
How do I ask him about his faith?
How do I even begin to start finding mine?
How will our relationship change if I develop faith?
Where do I even start with everything?

I feel so lost and isolated from everybody except for him. But because his parents do everything to keep him away from me, sometimes I feel even apart from him. What do I do?

Thank you.

 

[Windmill]

Let me see if I can help you...

What can I do to help keep him strong?
Spend time with him, appreciate him. Listen to his worries, his fears. Tell him that you love him and you will be there for him, no matter what the outcome. Build him up and be a shoulder to cry on. Have fun with him. Do things with him.

What can I do to show his parents I'm not terrible, that I'm genuinely trying, that he and I are really in love?
Very little. My advice would be to just be really nice to them and be polite.

How do I ask him about his faith?
Just flat-out ask him. Ask him what he believes, why he does. Just like you might ask him about his political views

How do I even begin to start finding mine?
Don't take your boyfriends beliefs because you want it to be less complicated. How do you go about finding them? Well, maybe you will find nothing at all? Maybe it will be completely different from your boyfriends? Go into it with an open mind. If you're serious about finding religious truth, then oyu need to be doing this for YOU, not for him! I am not sure what you can do. I suppose reading up on and visiting different religious organizations would be a good start? This will be a lifelong journey.

How will our relationship change if I develop faith?
It really depends on what faith you develop. Your relationship could take many terms. First off, you'd probably be able to spend time with your bf's family, since they'd like you more now, IF you developed their faith. So that would probably become a bigger part. You'd probably also go to church together.

Other things might be effected. The amount of physical intimacy you're willing to give before marriage might change, depending on what your beliefs shift too.

If you find a belief other than his, then your relationship may get hostile. I don't know what denominational beliefs he has, so its hard to judge. But often, many Christians are more willing to accept a self-professing non-religious person rather than a person who professes another religion.

Where do I even start with everything?
No idea, it totally depends on your situation. Just research it

 

[Luther073082]

However, in the meantime, his parents have written me off (without ever trying to get to know me) as not good enough for him because I'm not religious. I got accepted to a prestigious college consequently in the same city as his first choice, (we really did not plan it, it's a complete coincidence that our schools worked out this way) and when he told his parents they said they wouldn't help him pay for college if he goes to his first choice. He doesn't think he can get enough scholarship, work, or loan money to pay it off (the school is already giving him $15,000) and because of his parents pressuring him, he's afraid to do what he really wants or speak up for himself.

Well if its an expensive university (and it sounds like it is considering the school is giving him $15,000 in aid) you can't necessary blame them if they don't want to pay a lot of extra money for that first choice.

What can I do to help keep him strong?

I'm not sure if you can or should do anything.

What can I do to show his parents I'm not terrible, that I'm genuinely trying, that he and I are really in love?

Here is where I think you are honestly mis-understanding the problem.

The bible tells us not to enter into a relationship with unbelivers. The reason is not because "they are all terrible people". The reason is because if God is the most important thing in his life, you as an unbeliver can't have that in common with him. When the most important thing in your lives are different, its not good for a long term marriage oriented relationship.

The even bigger question is if you can tolerate not being the most important thing in his life. See a believer understands that they will always be second to God in their spouse's life. And since their spouse is also second to God, they both understand and accept that God comes first. An unbeliver does not understand this. My mom (also an unbeliver) is a good example and since I became a Christian has been angry many times because she felt that I loved God more then her.

To be perfectly honest if I where talking to him I would tell him not to pursue this relationship. Because in order to eventually have a long lasting marriage with you he would have to put God 2nd to you. God does not like being 2nd to anyone, including one's spouse.

If they really don't like you because they think unbelivers are "terrible people" then they are judging you which is wrong. However its not a judgement to look at a beliver and an unbeliver in a relationship and being able to determine that this is just not a good idea.

How do I ask him about his faith?

Well I would ask him specific questions that you want to know the answer to while avoiding loaded words and a judgemental tone that often comes with it. You have to honestly try to learn about the faith with no pre-conceived notions.

How do I even begin to start finding mine?

Well that depends on the starting point. What do you belive now? Are you an atheist, agnostic, diest? The key to having faith though is allowing the Holy Spirit to give you faith. He will if you are open to it. But if you are closed to it then, you can't see or receive the faith.

How will our relationship change if I develop faith?

Well depending on the maturity of both of your faith's it can add another level to it. Personally I don't think your boyfriend has a very mature faith at the moment because he has chosen to date someone who is not Christian.

Again this is not something personally against you, its based on what we are told by the bible that we shouldn't knowingly marry unbelivers. And the bible is very clear that the reason is because there would be problems in the marriage dynamics not because we think unbelivers are terrible people.

However a mature faith will add another dynamic to your relationship and hopefully bring you closer.

Where do I even start with everything?

I would start learning about the Christian faith with no pre-conceived notions. Having gone from atheist to Christian myself I can tell you that the biggest wall that prevents the Holy Spirit from comming to us is the wall we build with preconceived notions.

I feel so lost and isolated from everybody except for him. But because his parents do everything to keep him away from me, sometimes I feel even apart from him. What do I do?

I would be careful that you don't put your emotions this deep into your relationship. First of all because you are young this relationship is unlikely to last because of that. I'm not writing you off, but a lot of young people think they have found their soul mates only to break up later on.

Second its just not healthy to invest everything you have into one person. What happens if something bad happens to him and he dies early? While I don't expect you to just "shrug it off", and I know it would hurt a lot, I also don't want you to be so lost that you might harm yourself because of that.

I'd consider getting some friends, the good news is that you will probably find plenty at college. And if possible, if you are really serious about faith you might want to go for Christian friends.

**Note: It may be helpful to know what denomination your BF grew up in. The denomination that someone is in can explain a lot of things about their behavior in relation to their faith. And that would include how his parents are treating you, and how he is reacting to all of this.**

 

[citizenthom]

Luther is, as always, quicker to the punch and more complete than most of us will be. I will add this: you may feel your desire to get to come to Christ is for your boyfriend, but it may actually be because of him. You know him more intimately than most people do, and you've seen something attractive in him that comes from the change Christ has effected in his heart. Converting just to please him would not be a true conversion, as Luther points out: when you follow Christ, the relationship is between you and Him, period. But it's entirely possible--and in this situation, sounds likely--that God has used your boyfriend to put a concrete face on the difference between saved and unsaved, and is using that to pull him toward you.

I will also add that you sound like your heart for your boyfriend is in the right place, and prayers will be going up for both of you, both for your relationship and, more fundamentally, for the salvation Christ is drawing you toward.

 

[akirischan]

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your advice and support I really appreciate it.

Luther - My boyfriend and his family are non-denominational Christian.

Thom - Thank you so much for recognizing that God could be working through my boyfriend to pull me toward Him. That is what I have thought for a long time, I've just been too afraid to go into it further. There's something about my boyfriend that's just really, really special. He's just a nice, average guy, but something really great is with him, I just know it.

I guess I just don't know where to start, so thank you again.

 

[toprhi]

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your advice and support I really appreciate it.

Luther - My boyfriend and his family are non-denominational Christian.

Thom - Thank you so much for recognizing that God could be working through my boyfriend to pull me toward Him. That is what I have thought for a long time, I've just been too afraid to go into it further. There's something about my boyfriend that's just really, really special. He's just a nice, average guy, but something really great is with him, I just know it.

I guess I just don't know where to start, so thank you again.

I think where you start depends upon what you believe. I think praying and talking to God is a great starting point. When I was young in my walk with the Lord I would just pray to Him to guide me. Talking to God is a huge starting point.

After that, I started reading the bible, others choose to start attending a church (nondemoninational would be best at this point). But mostly, I just think it's important that you open up yourself to God. He will show you the way.

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

HEY Possible sister to be...

first off I will start with the obvious... Come to Christ why are you afraid of him? Are you scared that he claims to be a father? Were you abused by a father? Were you left behind by a Father? Did your father leave?

Cause guess what... Jesus wont ever leave you. He will never abuse you. He will never leave you behind. He will love you more then any man will. He will, because he says he will. Jesus is the most sure thing ever. Jesus is the only thing, in my opinion, that I would bet millions on, he is that good. And dont come to him, Because of your boyfriend. Go to Jesus, because he wants you! Jesus wants you! He wants to call you Daughter. He wants to call you princess. he wants to tell you, your beautiful. He wants to take you place that no mortal mind can understand. A place that has no pain. a place that has no tears. A place where we can ride tigers and Pterydactls. That alone should get ya. YOU CAN RIDE A FREAKING PTERYDACTL!

In all seriousness. Jesus is everything. I love him because he has saved me from much. My father died when I was 2. My mother died when I was 18. I have had my heart broken 2 times so far. I have been alone for most of my life. Liveing for a God I did not know. I grew up in the church thinking I was a christians. I was probalby one of the Christians that turned you off to Christ. I was such a fool. Then I was decived by a girl and did foolish things( NOT Sexualy). He saved me from all that hurt. My mother was a good woman. She was a Missisonary and died of brain cancer. I watched my mother fail so hard. She went from a thundering woman of God to a mindless shell who could not finish a sentence. I did not underdstand God or anything. He pulled out of my Unbelief and planted a new seed in me. A new heart and nature that exhumes his word. TAKE HIM, you will never look back. it will be better then marrying your Boyfriend.

THEN you will be married both children of God. And when you leave this mortal world, all three of us, 4 if I get married will stand in the pterdactyl riding line togther with Jesus.


What can I do to help keep him strong?
Get Jesus. get in the word and become a mighty warrior against the Darkness. That should pep him up. And i will gain a sister.
What can I do to show his parents I'm not terrible, that I'm genuinely trying, that he and I are really in love?
Who cares what his parents think. The only thing that matters is what Grace says you are. Grace says you are free and a child of God If you bleieve. If his parents cant accept that, that is not your problem.
How do I ask him about his faith?
who is Jesus? And then ask him to show you John 3:16 the token jesus verse and then read the book of Luke. That is the book where the harlots, liars, homosexuals, murders, Sick, dying, Murdered, raped, aborted, drug addicted, sex addicted, bascily all of the sinners are welcome in his house even if they are not welcome in anybody elses house. All they have to do, is accept his invation and join the party! Jesus is for everyone. Not jsut the super rich, or healthy, for every one.
How do I even begin to start finding mine?
Get Jesus. Keep him close and never let go of him. Ask him why and ask him anything with a humble heart and ask him to guide you and correct you. You knwo we are allowed to question him as long as we have a heart to be correct and understand and be moldable and shapalbe. he wont let you down. he never let me down... even though i have let him down billions of times.
How will our relationship change if I develop faith?
I can only see it getting better. If it doesnt he is dumb. If My girlfriend was not a christian and she became one. I WOULD PARTY FOR YEARS!
Where do I even start with everything?
To those that bleive he gave the right be called Children of God. Come claim your right. Come claim the rights of being a Child of God. Come be a sister and jump in the Pterydactl riding line. I will be waiting So is Jesus. He is far more patient then I am. And he loves ya more. He did die for you, ya know.

If all that does not make sense... here is a song by Dustin Kensure, the lead singer of thrice.... Your the son, the song, and Jesus is the father.

Well I woke one morning,
found you staring down at me,
you said "I'll take my share now, father please",
and you took your money,
and you took your leave,
you drilled my heart and turned your back on me...

And you hit the town,
and you hit the bottle hard,
you race 'round in your fancy cars and you blow all your money,
on brothels, beds, and bars,
before you know your broken times get hard...

I still stand here waiting,
with my eyes fixed on the road,
and I fight back tears and I wonder,
if you're ever coming home,
don't you know son that I love you,
and I don't care where you've been,
so please come home.

And now you've hit bottom,
all those open doors have shut,
and you're hungry stomach's tied in knots,
but I know what you're thinking,
that you troubled me enough,
nothing could ever separate you from my love...

I still stand here waiting,
with my eyes fixed on the road,
and I fight back tears and I wonder,
if you're ever coming home,
don't you know son that I love you,
and I don't care where you've been,
yes and i'll be right here waiting,
'til you come around the bend,
and I run to you and hold you close,
won't let go again,
so please come home,
please come home...

Don't you know son that I love you?
And I don't care where you've been,
so please come home

So Please come home! Your whole future family is waiting for ya!

 

[undonebymercy]

Speaking from partial experience of your position, I totally sympathise. Before I started dating my SO, I was agnostic. I started going to church with Chris, purely to spend more time with him. That was a year ago. Now, I'm a fully-functioning, if a little flawed, Christian.

First of all, how long have you got between now and both of you going to college?
Are his parents refusing to pay for his first choice because of the cost or because it means that he's closer to you?

What can I do to help keep him strong?
Be with him. Comfort him. Let him talk about his fears.

What can I do to show his parents I'm not terrible, that I'm genuinely trying, that he and I are really in love?
As people have said, it's not about you being terrible. The Bible teaches us that we cannot be 'unevenly yoked' with non-believers. I think his parents are just trying, if in a mis-guided way, to avoid this situation.

How do I ask him about his faith?
Do just that. I began to find out more about my own faith by quizzing Chris on his. But as those above have said, try not to be condescending. Just ask him to explain the basis of Christianity, how he came to the faith, how he stays strong etc.

How do I even begin to start finding mine?
I'd advise going to church with him. How I found my faith isn't exactly ideal, since I had ulterior motives, at least at the start, but it did work out. My church has this thing called Christianity Explored. It's basically looking at the four main books of the NT, looking at Jesus life, and looking at what it means to be a Christian. If his church has any bible study groups, or anything like that, head along to those. I go to a Bible study group every other Wednesday, and it's really helped me develop my faith.

How will our relationship change if I develop faith?
It depends on how strongly you begin to believe. Speaking from experience, my relationship with Chris slowly but surely began to change for the better, because I was more open to conversations about the Bible's stance on this, that and the other. Neither of us are perfect, but we're a lot more involved in the Church than we were a year ago, and that's because we're encouraging each other.

Where do I even start with everything?
Well the fact that you're asking for advice is good. Learn more about your boyfriend's faith. Pray that He may guide you, and help you believe. Even if you think you're praying to the Big Fairy in the Sky, still pray. Personally, I pray all the time. I do it without even thinking it. I started doing it well before I realised who I was actually praying to. And I think that He'll look on it in a more favourable light than if you just ignore Him and ask others for help instead. Only He can really guide you.

I hope this has helped