Advice from married folks

[mwb]

(I tried to post this in the married forum but was stopped so I'll try it here)

I'm single so I spend much of my time on the singles forum but I have a question for married folks.

I was reading a book on succeeding as an entrepreneur. One section of the book contained the usual motivational speech about never giving up & fighting for what you want & staying focused.

I got to thinking, does this work when looking for a mate? I've always felt that attempting to climb Mount Everest & attempting to persuade someone that you care about them, while they are lofty goals, they are not necessarily the same. When climbing Mt. Everest, it's me against the mountain but a relationship involves another person who has feelings which may not agree with mine.

For example, if I meet someone that I really want to date & spend time with, should I pursue her with all my will & hope to win her over? Or is a successful long term relationship a result of two people meeting & knowing that the other is the one?

I would go with the latter because I don't really believe in all that fairy tale movie stuff but maybe I'm wrong & should live a little.

 

[Jonahan]

I think you're thinking too much. =)

You can't make someone love you, and I'm not sure there's any benefit in "wearing someone down".

When it's right, you'll have a pretty good idea it's right, and being in prayer about it before, during, AND after the courtship will help with the discernment process.

So, I agree with you that a relationship isn't a Mt. Everest to conquer "just because it's there", but I said *when* it's right you'll have a pretty good idea about it. That doesn't mean that when you meet the right person you'll see stars and be head-over-heals (though it might happen that way). It may take a while for a friendship to develop into something more, or it may happen right away.

Like I said, I think you're thinking too much, and love is one thing of which thinking logically and planning will do very little to aid. =)

Best wishes,

Jonathan

 

[JPPT1974]

Just take it one step at a time
Get to know what you both are about
Just don't rush into thing
You both need to really settle down
On your relationships!

 

[Jonahan]

You both need to really settle down
On your relationships!

Both of whom?

 

[Hiskid4ever]

You can't make someone love you, but you can make someone fall in love with you. By that I mean, being real with that other person and showing who you really are. Don't be someone you aren't just to please someone else. If you are meant to be together, you will BOTH be comfortable being who you each are. In being honest with who you are if that person is "the one" they will fall in love with you.
I admit that I am one of the lucky ones. I met my husband and started dating him when I was 16. And have been married for almost 16 yrs. So, I don't know too much about dating, but I do know about an open and honest relationship and that is definatly what you should work towards.

 

[Templedweller]

I have seen Your thread, but not gotten a chance to look into it and was able to do so today.

mwb...The premise in the book You are reading is about being entrepeneurial in a venture over a thing...Mt Everest, a material possession, or possibly getting a business started.

The matter of relationship with another is a completely different venture. Like stated above a Someone (as opposed to a something) has feelings, goals, dreams. desires and to wear Someone down is not going to make for a contented mate.

Prayer definantely is a key in the search for a mate.

Perseverance sure may be something as far as being part of the potential husband and wife.

Turning to Scripture Colossians states Chapter 3 verse 9 that, "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

In the Disney movie, "Beauty and the Beast" the character: Gaston-the brutty, buff and self-confident villager knew what he wanted He wanted Belle.....He states "I am going to MAKE BELLE MY WIFE."

Ultimantely, HE did not despite his trying.

Just something to think on.

Sincerely,
Templedweller

 

[thefrenchgirl2007]

You can't make someone love you, but you can make someone fall in love with you. By that I mean, being real with that other person and showing who you really are. Don't be someone you aren't just to please someone else. If you are meant to be together, you will BOTH be comfortable being who you each are. In being honest with who you are if that person is "the one" they will fall in love with you.
I admit that I am one of the lucky ones. I met my husband and started dating him when I was 16. And have been married for almost 16 yrs. So, I don't know too much about dating, but I do know about an open and honest relationship and that is definatly what you should work towards.

Hi HisKid4ever,

The questions that Johnathan has made are the very same that weigh on my heart. I'm 30. I get discouraged many times and wonder if I am single whether if it's because of how I chose to live my life or if it's the environment in which I live, or because of how I act or anything else.

It can get really hard at 30. I have a sister who is expecting a baby in December and a brother who is in a serious relationship. I've never been very popular with men except when they have only wanted one thing from me. I see other girls who seems to attract men: they are beautiful or they say witty things and I am not really a quick witty person. And how does a person really just KNOW that it's a person you want to marry? I mean, how can you really KNOW? Isn't it really just a decision?

I would appreciate your advice and answer. I think you are a very nice lady.

 

[graceheart]

I think that a relationship involves a little of both. If you are in a place where you want to meet someone then you need to actively pursue that "goal". As cliche as it sounds, it seems to be very true that any relationship takes hard work; one must go into every relationship with the intention of giving it 100% of their effort & time. I also think that there is an instant attraction, a spark that draws us to certain people. You need to figure out what it is that you are looking for in a partner; is it loyalty, independence, sense of humour, etc. and when you meet someone with many of those characteristics... go for it! Like anything in life, work hard to attain what you long for but never forget that it should be FUN!! God Bless you.

 

[lucypevensie]

I don't think you should do anything you wouldn't normally do. Be sincere. when I met my husband I was impressed with his personality and kindness. He is still the same person 14 years later. I would not have liked the feeling of being "conquered". I am a human being, not a mountain.

 

[ImaginaryVoyager]

Well, you don't need our advice, because you really answered your own question when you said:

For example, if I meet someone that I really want to date & spend time with, should I pursue her with all my will & hope to win her over? Or is a successful long term relationship a result of two people meeting & knowing that the other is the one?

I would go with the latter.

I guarantee that if you go with the first option, you will drive her away and drive yourself crazy.

What I recommend is that you put yourself in situations where you are likely to meet people with whom you are compatible. As you interact with a lot of people in this way, you are likely to come across a lady that shares many of your interests and is interested in you and captivates your interest. And yes, often, you will meet someone and 'just know' they are the right one.

 

[Autumnleaf]

(I tried to post this in the married forum but was stopped so I'll try it here)

I'm single so I spend much of my time on the singles forum but I have a question for married folks.

I was reading a book on succeeding as an entrepreneur. One section of the book contained the usual motivational speech about never giving up & fighting for what you want & staying focused.

I got to thinking, does this work when looking for a mate? I've always felt that attempting to climb Mount Everest & attempting to persuade someone that you care about them, while they are lofty goals, they are not necessarily the same. When climbing Mt. Everest, it's me against the mountain but a relationship involves another person who has feelings which may not agree with mine.

For example, if I meet someone that I really want to date & spend time with, should I pursue her with all my will & hope to win her over? Or is a successful long term relationship a result of two people meeting & knowing that the other is the one?

I would go with the latter because I don't really believe in all that fairy tale movie stuff but maybe I'm wrong & should live a little.

I think most good relationships happen when people just get along well without too much effort, they just 'click'. If you go after a woman like climbing a mountain you may get her by sheer force of will but it could be a poor match, even if she's hot. Just look at the rich men and the women they marry for 2 minutes or so. As men our strength and curse is our ability to focus on what we think we want and go after it with myopic focus. Sometimes we end up with something we never should have gone after to begin with.

 

[JPPT1974]

I think most good relationships happen when people just get along well without too much effort, they just 'click'. If you go after a woman like climbing a mountain you may get her by sheer force of will but it could be a poor match, even if she's hot. Just look at the rich men and the women they marry for 2 minutes or so. As men our strength and curse is our ability to focus on what we think we want and go after it with myopic focus. Sometimes we end up with something we never should have gone after to begin with.

It is about character and personality
Not how much a man or a woman has in wealth
IMO, looks don't count just as long as they are beautiful on the inside!

 

[angelsword]

(I tried to post this in the married forum but was stopped so I'll try it here)

I'm single so I spend much of my time on the singles forum but I have a question for married folks.

I was reading a book on succeeding as an entrepreneur. One section of the book contained the usual motivational speech about never giving up & fighting for what you want & staying focused.

I got to thinking, does this work when looking for a mate? I've always felt that attempting to climb Mount Everest & attempting to persuade someone that you care about them, while they are lofty goals, they are not necessarily the same. When climbing Mt. Everest, it's me against the mountain but a relationship involves another person who has feelings which may not agree with mine.

For example, if I meet someone that I really want to date & spend time with, should I pursue her with all my will & hope to win her over? Or is a successful long term relationship a result of two people meeting & knowing that the other is the one?

I would go with the latter because I don't really believe in all that fairy tale movie stuff but maybe I'm wrong & should live a little.

This is a tough one! I am single,but i believe it is a good idea to ask God to show you the mate for you. (I don't believe in all of that fairytale stuff myself) Of course dating for just fun and not getting to serious would be great! (wish I could do it) So bear in mind what I said and see what works ok?

 

[JPPT1974]

It is God's will if we are meant to get
Married or not! Look at it that way.
I am single to but love being single!
And free and independent. But that is
Just my two cents worth!