Advice For Pregnancy

[NoRoadsLeft]

I'm a devoted Christian. I've had my share of trials, at only age 19. My girlfriend is almost certainly pregnant. I am responsible for my actions, and I am suffering for them.

I desperately need loving, Christian advice on how to handle this whole situation. When my parents find out, they will certainly be shocked and disappointed, as I was. I know this from watching my brother conceive out of wedlock, years ago.

I'm afraid I will have to drop out of college, where I attend a private Christian University. I've worked my whole life, trying my hardest to do well in school and character improvement. Personally, I have a self-loathing complex of failure.

I am so afraid of this event coming to fruition. I'm afraid I will have to give up everything I've worked so hard toward, due to my own irresponsibility.

Please, help.

 

[Jesus4Ever]

Well, you created the child so I hope you take responsibility for it. I have prayed for you and I hope that you pray too and you and your girlfriend repent of your sin. I hope you give this child to the Lord and raise them up well. Or if you feel you cannot raise then up well, then do make sure you give them to a family who will.

You know, I've heard many stories of people who have had to provide for their whole family while still going to school and making a life for themselves, and they managed to make it work. It may be a lot of work, but it can be done. My cousin had her son at 18, but she was able to provide and raise him with the support of her family, friends, and her boyfriend (Now husband). She didn't finish college but I think that was her own choice.

Anyway, as I said she is now married to the father of her son and last year, they had their daughter. They are both in their mid-twenties. So there is still hope and you still have a life ahead of you.

 

[NoRoadsLeft]

Well, you created the child so I hope you take responsibility for it. I have prayed for you and I hope that you pray too and you and your girlfriend repent of your sin. I hope you give this child to the Lord and raise them up well. Or if you feel you cannot raise then up well, then do make sure you give them to a family who will.

You know, I've heard many stories of people who have had to provide for their whole family while still going to school and making a life for themselves, and they managed to make it work. It may be a lot of work, but it can be done. My cousin had her son at 18, but she was able to provide and raise him with the support of her family, friends, and her boyfriend (Now husband). She didn't finish college but I think that was her own choice.

Anyway, as I said she is now married to the father of her son and last year, they had their daughter. They are both in their mid-twenties. So there is still hope and you still have a life ahead of you.

Trust me, we have both repented dearly. It's hard for me to feel like this is happening. I've struggled with deep depression in my life, so it's hard not to return to that state of mind. When I first heard this news, I was in shock and, for awhile, considered ending my life. But that was a selfish thought, not a Godly thought.

What is giving me the most comfort is giving myself into the will of God. He has a plan for me.

 

[Jesus4Ever]

Trust me, we have both repented dearly. It's hard for me to feel like this is happening. I've struggled with deep depression in my life, so it's hard not to return to that state of mind. When I first heard this news, I was in shock and, for awhile, considered ending my life. But that was a selfish thought, not a Godly thought.

What is giving me the most comfort is giving myself into the will of God. He has a plan for me.

I know what it is like to struggle with depression too so I understand you there. As you said, God has a plan for you. Have faith and continue to trust in Him.

Also they say children are one of the greatest gifts that someone could be given. They take a lot of work but bring great reward. Even if you struggle, I firmly believe that everything will work out for you and your girlfriend and your child.

 

[JAM2b]

First, I'm sorry your parents aren't more compassionate and understanding. The Bible does say that it is a sin to commit adultery. However, most humans commit adultery. Simply lusting is considered adultery. Very few virgins, even Christians, walk the aisle to get married. This is an issue that most (every?) person struggles with at some point in their life, if they are being honest.

God's grace and mercy is infinite. There is no sin that makes Him turn from you. I don't believe He is mad about this. He saw this coming even before you were conceived. You and your parents might be shocked and disappointed, but He is not.

One other thing, while the behavior that lead to this conception, might have been sin, it is not a sin to be pregnant, or for a father to be expecting a child, regardless of how the child is conceived. The baby itself is not a bad thing. This baby is created by God and loved by Him already.


Second, don't panic. It's not the end of the world. Babies are conceived everyday under less than ideal circumstances, and guess what, the world doesn't explode. It is hard, but it is doable. You might have a delay in college graduation, or have to switch universities. That won't bring the world to a screeching halt, either. This situation and everything that will come to pass as a result of it might not be the first choice you would have made for your life, but it is not life-ruining.

Just take a breath, and figure out your next step. Some things to consider:

Do you want to marry this girl? If you are not 100% sure, then don't. It would be worse to marry now, and then end up divorced later because of the havoc it causes the children when their family breaks apart. You can be a financially supportive father and spend as much visitation time as possible from the beginning, and it would do less harm than getting married on impulse and then later going back on your commitment or your wife bailing out on you.

How responsible is she? She needs to take some financial responsibility in this situation as well. If she is physically capable of working, she needs to. This is her baby as well. She also made the same choice you did. She is not a helpless, innocent bystander. If you marry her, would she be willing to get/finish a degree while you work, and then support you while you finish your degree, allowing both of you a chance to finish?

Do you need more income? Do you need to drop down to part-time student status to work more hours? Could you choose another educational option that will get a certification or vocational license in the field you are studying so you can earn a relatively decent wage until you can attempt to finish your degree later?

State universities are less expensive than private ones, and not so involved in your personal life that bad choices will get you kicked out.

Avoid corporately owned childcare centers and preschools when seeking a place for the baby to be while you work. If you need daycare, choose a smaller one, or one operated by a church.

 

[NoRoadsLeft]

First, I'm sorry your parents aren't more compassionate and understanding. The Bible does say that it is a sin to commit adultery. However, most humans commit adultery. Simply lusting is considered adultery. Very few virgins, even Christians, walk the aisle to get married. This is an issue that most (every?) person struggles with at some point in their life, if they are being honest.

God's grace and mercy is infinite. There is no sin that makes Him turn from you. I don't believe He is mad about this. He saw this coming even before you were conceived. You and your parents might be shocked and disappointed, but He is not.

One other thing, while the behavior that lead to this conception, might have been sin, it is not a sin to be pregnant, or for a father to be expecting a child, regardless of how the child is conceived. The baby itself is not a bad thing. This baby is created by God and loved by Him already.


Second, don't panic. It's not the end of the world. Babies are conceived everyday under less than ideal circumstances, and guess what, the world doesn't explode. It is hard, but it is doable. You might have a delay in college graduation, or have to switch universities. That won't bring the world to a screeching halt, either. This situation and everything that will come to pass as a result of it might not be the first choice you would have made for your life, but it is not life-ruining.

Just take a breath, and figure out your next step. Some things to consider:

Do you want to marry this girl? If you are not 100% sure, then don't. It would be worse to marry now, and then end up divorced later because of the havoc it causes the children when their family breaks apart. You can be a financially supportive father and spend as much visitation time as possible from the beginning, and it would do less harm than getting married on impulse and then later going back on your commitment or your wife bailing out on you.

How responsible is she? She needs to take some financial responsibility in this situation as well. If she is physically capable of working, she needs to. This is her baby as well. She also made the same choice you did. She is not a helpless, innocent bystander. If you marry her, would she be willing to get/finish a degree while you work, and then support you while you finish your degree, allowing both of you a chance to finish?

Do you need more income? Do you need to drop down to part-time student status to work more hours? Could you choose another educational option that will get a certification or vocational license in the field you are studying so you can earn a relatively decent wage until you can attempt to finish your degree later?

State universities are less expensive than private ones, and not so involved in your personal life that bad choices will get you kicked out.

Avoid corporately owned childcare centers and preschools when seeking a place for the baby to be while you work. If you need daycare, choose a smaller one, or one operated by a church.

This was so helpful and encouraging, thank you so much.

As for my girlfriend: we have been together for a little over a year and a half. She recently got a job as a teller at U.S. Bank. We've discussed marriage for awhile now, but we were waiting until I was graduated from college so we could be in a better place, financially. She has kind of a big family, and her mother assured us we would have help.

The situation is still quite stressful, but I am trying desperately to keep it in God's hands. And your reply was so helpful, thank you again, so much.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, a few things.

Do you know for sure that she's pregnant? That's issue #1. A couple of kids thinking that the girl "is almost certainly pregnant" isn't the same thing as actually being pregnant. Have you confirmed it with an actual test?

#2 - if she is pregnant, things are going to change, but things will be fine. If there is help to be had from either of your families, definitely take advantage of it. Kids change your life profoundly, but it does not have to be the earth shattering thing you're envisioning. Stay in school. At this juncture of life, you want Medicaid paying for the birth. Trust me. You also want as much help as possible from the state in taking care of some of the financial burdens when it comes to the caring of the child at the start.

People will likely get on my case for saying that "You're advising him to get on welfare and take taxpayer dollars when he could be working!" - and yes I absolutely am. But you're 19 - and you have no concept of how expensive things really are yet. When I had my first child a few years back, it cost me nearly $23,000 out of pocket. When I had my second child two years after that, it cost me roughly $25,000 out of pocket (premiums + deductibles + copays). That doesn't count the food, diapers and everything else that comes after either.

If you have very little money, it's free. And at 19, you want free so that you can finish your education and have a productive life where you're able to provide for that child over the long haul.

Should you get married? Do you love her that way? If yes, then absolutely. Life finds a way to work itself out. If no, then don't. A marriage started at 19 years old solely for the purposes of having the kid be "legitimate" is not a marriage that's going to last a lifetime. In such a scenario you're better off making all of your plans to be the best DAD you can.

If you do love her in that way and want to marry her - do a little bit of research on what impact that will have on the ability to get medicaid to pay for the birth. I don't mean to keep harping on that, but all things considered, how that plays out will likely define how the next number of years go for you.

Best of luck -

 

[Mayflower1]

I know it was out of wedlock and you are still in bit of shock right now, but first I do want to say Congratulations to you both. A child is a blessing, and everything will be okay. You certainly seem to have a strong faith in God and that will help you with your plans. And kudos to you both for owning up to your mistake. I would try to stay in school if you can. It won't be easy, but work and school is possible...and there are a lot of resources depending on where you live at. I am 25 weeks pregnant and by attending free faith based parenting classes at our pregnancy resource center in Bluffton, my husband and I got a new crib, combo stroller, pack in play...and won't have to buy diapers. My church gave us a changing table...We are at a good place financially where I can be a stay at home mom where my husband works...but there are resources out there to help new parents and ones attending school...

Just do what you know is right according to your faith in God...there are consequences to actions, but He loves You and will provide a way for you and your family. Prayers and blessings as ya'll figure out your path.

 

[Mayflower1]

Also...pregnancy medicaid is income based. I was working at Walmart part time and my husband at a factory full time and I still was eligible for it. This is Indiana...I don't know about other states... Oh yeh... And you can always do school online also...it is more flexible if you have to work. It may put you back a bit to go part time if you need to work full time, but you are nineteen and have plenty of time. How much farther you have in school?