Advice for dealing with absent parent.

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I have 4 kids, two are from my first marriage, and I have custody of them. They are currently both 5. Being ten months and a day apart they are this way for a couple of months a year. The problem is their birth mother is not a part of their lives at all. She was in and out of their lives on an irregular basis since che walked out on us. She would take them on her days for maybe a month and then not even call for 3 or 4 months. I tried to make this easy for her even, I took them to her and picked them up and called her on her weekends and tried to arrange schedules for them to see her. I have never tried in the least to keep them from her. About 4 months ago she moved to Germany to live with her boyfriend and their child. They are not married because he is still married to his first wife who he cannot locate. She did not even tell the kids she was leaving. At the time of this writing they have not seen their bilogical mother since last June. She refuses to give us a number where she can be reached so I cannot even contact her to let them talk to her. We get a call maybe every 3 months.

The younger of the two, Aoghdan, seems to have become resolved that she is gone and not a part of his life. He no longer gets excited when she happens to call and is never upset when she is talkef about. I am sad for this because he is so young to have given up on something. However his sister, Aryanna, is still very upset by everything. She randomly brings up her "other mommy" and cries about not even getting to say goodbye. She asks why her "other mommy" left without saying goodbye, when she will be coming back, and various other questions that we have no answer for.

I think that it is time we stopped sugar coating things and told her the truth about her mother. The truth is that she walked out on us and isn't coming back. She has no plans to come back from Germany for at least three years maybe even longer. She left without saying goodbye because she was about to go to jail for not paying her court ordered child support. She currently has a warrant out for her arrest for this and it has been reported to the passort authorities. Next month a second warrant will be issued as well. She cannot enter the country without going to jail immediately pretty much, and is still not paying anything at all so the jail time is just going to get longer and longer as time passes. The fact of the matter is that she really doesn't appear to care about these kids at all and shows no concern for how upset this makes them.

I am going to get counseling for her to help her deal with the problems, there is a Christian counselor here that I can take her to and get her help. I think maybe I should send both of them. I am tired of seeing my beautiful little girl torn apart like this. I am angry every day about this and there is nothing I can do to change it. I would like to make my little girl understand that her "other mommy" isn't coming back so that she can get over the pain and accept it. I want to know if this is what I should do. I don't mean that I will be harsh with her, but just sit her down and explain the facts in very plain terms. I have never bad mouthed my ex-wife at all much less in front of the kids but I think that they deserve the truth about this.

She has never reequested that they come to see her in Germany, but according to my lawyer allowing that would be really bad for me. Germany does not respect our custody laws and she could just not send them back and I would have no recourse at all. The only way she can see them is to come back here to the US and do her time in jail. I would take them to visit her there if she asked. I have reached the end of my rope and don't know how to deal with the pain this is causing my precious little girl. Please give me any advice you can.

 

[HeatherJay]

Poor little things. That just breaks my heart for your children and for you. I really cannot offer much advice as to how to handle this with you daughter.

The only thing I can say is be sure to make it plain to her that it's not her fault that her mommy left. Also, I would tell the child that her mommy still loves her very much (whether you think it's true or not). I can only imagine the scars she might carry from this anyway, but imagine growing up believing that your mommy didn't love you. Maybe you could approach it by letting her know that sometimes grown-ups make mistakes or bad choices, too, and that even though her mom is confused right now, it doesn't mean that she doesn't still love her kids.

You are such a wonderful father. To have endured so much and still give your children the gift of being respectful to your ex wife and not bad mouthing her.

I'll say a prayer for your little angels.

Love, Heather

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

It is only by the grace of God that the things in my head about her don't reach my mouth. I don't even understand that part, my main struggle is being kind, I am not by nature a kind person. I am truthful and straightforward, I am never mean on purpose but have never hesitated to say what's on my mind and in this case I have just never done that. I do tell my pastor how I feel so I guess that's my outlet.

I have trouble with the temptation to call her boyfriend's CO and let him know that he is married to someone else and harboring a fugitive. I have been told by the person I contacted in the military that she would be shipped back to the states forthwith and he would be more than likely busted in rank and possibly serve time as he would have had to lie to get her into base housing. I think the main reason I have not done this is that I have forgiven him and his actions are not ongoing. It is a battle every day as I have to forgive her every day that she does not call. I would love to be legalistic and get to the magic number (490) and then stop, but I know that is not what Christ meant when he said 70 times 7.

I am just really upset today about this and have no clue how to make my little girl feel better. She has been crying about this, on and off, for over an hour now. I work from home so I see this everytime it happens. I am at a loss, even holding her and reassuring her that I love her and mommy (my wife) loves her isn't helping today. If I say anything about her "other mommy" loving her she asks "Then why didn't she tell me goodbye?" I have run out of answers for her and it hurts me so much to see her go through this.

 

[Bookman]

Well, as bad as your situation is, I think you're passing up an excellent opportunity to teach your children about the presence of God in adversity. They're not too young. In fact, they're just right. You must teach them to turn from the bitter experience of losing their mom to the positive experience of having a heavenly parent who will never leave them. Turn this into a learning experience for them. You might have them pray for their mom--not that she'd come back, but that she'd realize she's made some very sad mistakes in her life.

Keep them focused on how God cares for us when we hurt. Ask them to think of ways God is there for them every day. Focus on the reality of His presence, not the absense of mom. They will miss her, but they can turn that missing into something far better than what it is now.

 

[E-beth]

As awful as it sounds, your daughter is probably better off not being around her birth mom. A woman who is in trouble, not living a godly life, and throwing away her children is NOT someone you want your daughter to be around at all.

Tell your daughter that her "other mommy" had done some bad things and can't be around her right now. Tell her that she left her with you and Mommy cause she knew you would take care of her and give her the hugs and kisses she can't. Ask her what she would tell the other mommy if she could talk to her. Validate her feelings, and let her grieve. It is hard to feel thrown away by a living parent, but with enough love, she will heal and as she grows she will see her birth mother for what she really is.

I would also protect my children by turning her and her SO in. Because if she did want the kids again, what could you do to stop her from taking them...or calling them and playing mind games by lying and saying she wants them etc?

 

[desi]

Let your exwife go and go to court for full custody. Then tell your children their mother didn't leave them, 'she left you and them'. Be sure your new wife is there for them as much as you are and move on with your lives.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

The cost is the only thing keeping me out of court for full custody. The cost and the one problem with getting her served while she is in Germany. She is on a US military base so service might be possible and she couldn't come back here without going to jail so it would serve more than one purpose. The problem is that the cost for an uncontested custody case is around 3k. None of the sitting judges will relieve her of custody without having someone waiting to adopt the kids. My wife is ready to do that and has been since the day we got married, but the costs are outrageous. If she decided to fight it, it would cost around 8000. Those are small amounts to insure their safety but in the scheme of my life they are huge.

The upside is that I do have custody of them, and none of the sitting judges will make me let her take them to Germany. If she shows back up there will be an order placed to insure that she cannot take them out of the country and the passport authorities will be notified so that she cannot even get passports for them. They are in no danger of being snatched away from me at all. The situation is totally out of a not-so-funny novel. Her mother is a crack addict now, she wasn't when we met. Her aunt who wants to see them all the time was recently convicted and served time for possesion of marijuana. Her grandmother is partially senile, her grandfather was abusive to his step children physically. It is a sick and twisted place for them to be. I can stop her family from seeing them while she is gone, but if she comes back, and does her time, I can't stop her from getting her visitation. If only I had an anonymous donation to pay the court costs or a lawyer willing to do it pro bono then I would be set.

I really don't want to report her SO. He was a friend of mine for ten years before this happened, one of my best friends or so I thought. I have forgiven him and have no desire to ruin his life, for multiple reasons. If I were to report him and he got booted out of the service they would end up back here and possibly seeing the kids on a regular basis, she would go to jail, he would live with his mom who is on methadone. Their son would suffer and he has done nothing wrong. If he stayed in the service and they shipped her back here their son would end up with someone in one of those families. I have to think of the innocent life involved as well. I would love to be cold and hard about this but I cannot bring myself to possibly ruin their son's life as well.

I appreciate the advice on what to say to her and I think I will go that route. Thanks for the advice so far everyone, it really helps.

 

[desi]

What if you make a deal with your ex and your exbest friend. You won't dime her out and get him busted if she signs over full custody. Its worth a shot and you will probably never have this much leverage on her ever again, use it while you can.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

That's the problem, the 3000 figure still stands. We have a custody agreement in place already, to modify it the judge has to approve the changes. So even with her agreement I am looking at 3k, most of that is for the adoption. I could win the case hands down even if she fought it, there is no doubt about that on anyone's part that is involved.

 

[desi]

Why does there have to be a legal adoption. If your wife signs the rights over to you that's it. If money is the issue talk to your ex's man about how its in his interest to help pay so he doesn't get in trouble and nailed for paying for his wife's kids' child support. $3,000 one time is much cheaper than child support until the children turn 18, or 19. As a married military man his wife's debt and obligations are his own.

 

[sioleabha]

They're not married, desi, so he doesn't have to help pay the child support. I don't think they plan to marry, either, since he didn't bother getting a divorce from his first wife.

I've been looking at Legal Aid options. Flesh99 makes just a little too much to qualify, but there's a sliding pay scale for people like us.

 

[E-beth]

I was just gonna suggest asking Legal Aid. I will be praying that you guys get some help. The babies deserve some stability. Still, God bless you both for making a home and for loving those kids so much.

 

[desi]

They're not married, desi, so he doesn't have to help pay the child support. I don't think they plan to marry, either, since he didn't bother getting a divorce from his first wife.

I've been looking at Legal Aid options. Flesh99 makes just a little too much to qualify, but there's a sliding pay scale for people like us.

If the guy is with someone he's not married to he can get busted for adultery. The military does not care for such behavior, neither does it tolerate harboring fugitives. Flesh has some good leverage here to use if he wants.