Advice About A Friend?

[NoddaProbBob]

Hello all,
I was just wondering if anyone would be willing to give me some input about a situation that I have been thinking about.

A close friend of mine is currently married with one child. Her husband also has another child who is just slightly older than his second child. Now here is where it gets a little hairy.

Before my friend and her husband were together, the husband was in a relationship with another girl. He went to great lengths to make sure that they did not have a child together as they were sexually active. Come to find out, the girl poked a hole in one of their condoms and she did in fact get pregnant.

The two broke up before she knew about it and not long after, the guy started dating my friend. At some point, the previous girlfriend told him that she was pregnant. The girl fully intended to keep the child.

What gets me, is that the father of the child, my friend's now husband, states that he does not want the child and will have nothing to do with it. He does not see the child, does not give money for child support, and refuses to believe that the child even exists. My friend is completely supportive of this and even defends him saying that she would not be with him if he were to support and have the other child in their lives. They have even decided to keep the child hidden from the child that they have together.

Personally, I think this is very wrong. 100% wrong. And my friend and I have had words about it several times. She completely supports her husband in not wanting to have the first child be apart of their lives at all. She just keeps saying, "He didn't want that kid" as if it somehow justifies the child not having a father or support.

I get that he did not want the child, but I just think to myself, I don't think the child wanted this for himself either. It's the child who suffers in the end. I don't know how to feel about this. I want to respect the relationship she has with him as they are husband and wife, but I can't help but wonder, what if they ever have a falling out and separate or divorce? Will he decide that he no longer wants their child either? It seems as if it was very easy for him to just write off his first child, so why would anything stop him from doing the same thing a second time around?

I conveyed this to her and she has insisted that I don't get it and I don't know the whole story. But in my opinion, I know enough. I'm not saying it's a simple story by any means, but I think that there is still a responsibility to the child, whether he wanted it or not.

I don't know how a father could know that he has a piece of him out in the world that he is refusing to recognize simply because he didn't want the child. I just think it's wrong. And I definitely think it lends a lot to the integrity of who he is as a father, man, and human being.

I wonder how that child will feel when he is old enough to realize that he has a father who chose one of his children over the other...

What do you guys think? Any input would greatly help me!

 

[Purge187]

The guy wore a condom for a reason--he didn't want to get the lady pregnant. The lady sabotaged him in a cruel and very personal manner, yet I don't see anything in your post that suggests that you're even slightly angry at her for doing that. He doesn't owe her a dime, AFAIC.

Because of her incredibly selfish act, we now have another in a long line of unwanted children who will be more prone to a life of crime and immorality.

People like her are the reason why God wants us to wait for marriage, and the reason why we need DNA/paternity laws.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the viewpoint.

It was very wrong of her to have done what she did. Do not get me wrong. I personally think that our laws should protect those fathers that are taken advantage of as he was. It's a form of sexual assault in my opinion. However, the laws have not caught up with social trends.

I think the situation and my feelings would be different if he didn't have another child. But to have another child that he wants as well as that child be close in age to one another, I just think it's a red flag. And then to keep the older child a complete secret to the younger child...I don't agree with that either. They are biological siblings. No amount of secrets can change that.

The whole thing is very complicated.

 

[TheOliveSeed]

They're all to blame: from the ex who intentionally poked a hole in the condom ( that's like fraud :/ ), to the Father who refuses to be there for his own blood (I'm assuming he really is the Father ...without question), to the wife who supports her husband denying his son. I can understand his refusal though - because he didn't want to have the child and his ex deceived him. Tough situation to be in. In the end, it's the poor child who suffers.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

They're all to blame: from the ex who intentionally poked a hole in the condom ( that's like fraud :/ ), to the Father who refuses to be there for his own blood (I'm assuming he really is the Father ...without question), to the wife who supports her husband denying his son. I can understand his refusal though - because he didn't want to have the child and his ex deceived him. Tough situation to be in. In the end, it's the poor child who suffers.

Paternity was the first thing I questioned. They did in fact have paternity established with a DNA test.

I think you put it into perspective: They're all wrong.

I too think the refusal is warranted. But as you have said, he is denying his own flesh and blood. I think the two children are less than a year apart. So it's even harder for me to see this occurring as they are so close in age.

It's sad because both children will suffer. One goes without a father, and the other, goes with a father who is seemingly indifferent.

 

[EazyMack]

The ex girlfriend is obviously sick in the head.

The guy is, too. While he didn't intend to get her pregnant, he did have sex with her... hello.

I understand he thought he protected himself, but, he didn't protect himself enough (studies indicate that abstinence is 100% effective in guarding against unwanted pregnancies). He is being incredibly selfish by denying his own child, whether he intended to have one or not. What kind of heart does it take to abandon your own flesh and blood?

Your friend is probably jealous, and supporting her husband in his effort to disown his child helps her cope her jealousy, maybe even mask it.

Everyone is being terribly selfish in this scenario. The child is such a victim, and I feel awful for him/her.

I hate to sound like I'm passing judgment, but this situation epitomizes a good chunk of what is wrong in this world.

Advice? I don't know. There is nothing you can do.

 

[EazyMack]

The ex girlfriend is obviously sick in the head.

The guy is, too. While he didn't intend to get her pregnant, he did have sex with her... hello.

I understand he thought he protected himself, but, he didn't protect himself enough (studies indicate that abstinence is 100% effective in guarding against unwanted pregnancies). He is being incredibly selfish by denying his own child, whether he intended to have one or not. What kind of heart does it take to abandon your own flesh and blood?

Your friend is probably jealous, and supporting her husband in his effort to disown his child helps her cope her jealousy, maybe even mask it.

Everyone is being terribly selfish in this scenario. The child is such a victim, and I feel awful for him/her.

I hate to sound like I'm passing judgment, but this situation epitomizes a good chunk of what is wrong in this world.

Advice? I don't know. There is nothing you can do.

 

[EazyMack]

It bears repeating!

 

[NoddaProbBob]

Thanks for your reply EazyMack.

Yeah I suppose there really isn't any advice that can be offered. Maybe I should have just asked for opinions lol.

I guess I just thought for a while there I was starting to feel crazy. She got really defensive about it when I tried to voice my opinion. She even went as far as to say that I was forcing my opinion on her which was certainly not the case.

I hadn't even thought about her being jealous. It didn't even cross my mind but now that you mention it, it makes a lot of sense. The girl (first girl, not my friend) is psycho, but she does have his first child. I can't imagine trying to compete with that after all the craziness.

You did not seem as if you were passing judgment. You hit it right on the head in my opinion. The heart certainly isn't there if he is denying his flesh and blood. The child is half his whether he wants to admit it or not. And yes, one should not have sex with another individual without being prepared to endure the consequences that come with it.

 

[lilaclover09]

That's a tough one! I understand your friend and her new husband not wanting anything to do with the child and ultimately the ex because she is the child's mother. She was deceiving and I'm sure a person like that is not easy to deal with. However, it's not about any of the adults in this situation, it's about the child. The father has a legal and moral responsibility for this child until that child is of an age to say whether or not they want to keep the relationship going. Also, the father doesn't know what the future may hold for this child. Maybe his involvement is the difference between a good or bad life for the child.