Adultery question

[Macbeth]

All:

I need your advice on an issue that I am wrestling with. I have been married for more than 10 years and my wife and I have been blessed with three beautiful children. She takes care of the kids while I go to work. The intimacy between us has been less than stellar for a long time for a variety of reasons which I will not elaborate on. However, because of these, we were essentially not intimate with each other at all for very very long periods. This has caused me to engage in an extramarital affair with another unhappily married but seperated woman. After having been with the other woman twice, I went to confession (yes, I am catholic) and had the priest set me straight. He essentially told me that I was living a lie and that I needed to tell my wife and leave her. He really shook me up and from then on I vowed not to see the other woman again, which I haven't to this date.

I only realized the magnitude of my mistake when it was too late. My wife never found out about this indiscretion, although this could conceivably happen under the wrong circumstances. I am hugely sorry for what I did and feel terrible about it. I cannot believe that I was willing to risk everything for a few moments of pleasure of questionable quality. So my question is this:

should I tell my wife and beg for forgiveness or should I keep this between God and me? I feel that telling her would almost be selfish because what I want is forgiveness from her. But I know, everything would be different if she knew what I had done. What do you think?

 

[lin1235]

Only you know your wife well enough to know if she would want to know... Personally, I would want to know, but I also know it would put enormous strain on my marriage (on any marriage, I presume). Since you cannot undo the damage that will undoubtedly occur when you tell her, I would advise you to wait and earnestly seek God's will in this. Ask Him to convict you of the right thing to do - it may be that this will be your burden and yours alone, and you have to carry it on your own knowing you may never ask your wife's forgiveness, or it may be that God wants you to confront the wrong that you did to your wife. I cannot say what the best thing to do will be.

But having said that, if it were my husband asking this advice from other Christians, I hope they tell him to tell me because I would want to know.

 

[Macbeth]

Why?

 

[searle29678]

I personally would not want to know. If my husband had an affair that I would never know about and had no knowledge of currently I wouldn't want to know simply because I wouldn't want the marriage to be worse and it may be the thing that causes me to leave him. On the other hand, my grandmother always said whatever is done in darkness will come to light and the consequences of your actions may end up being more harsh if she finds out later in life and learns that you haven't disclosed your actions to her sooner.
Granted, only you can make the final decision through prayer and soul searching and only you know what your wife's reaction might be. From a selfish standpoint you can choose not to tell her because you don't want to strain the relationship and you don't want to see the pain in your spouse because of you own indiscretion and weakness. However, not telling her could be a way for you to move forward from this and truly work on the relationship using the knowledge of what happened as motivation to make sure your marriage is stronger and better from this day forward.

 

[sarasarabobara]

All i can offer is my personal opinion, but as a married gal, I'd absolutely want my husband to tell me. As someone else has already mentioned, it would be extremely difficult to hear. It very well may get ugly initially, but I can honestly say that I'd rather him tell me now, than to somehow find out later that not only did he have an affair, but that he lied to me. The Bible tells us to speak the truth in love...often easier said than done. And as another person has already mentioned, I'd encourage you to pray about it and ask the Lord for direction. God bless you, friend. I'll be praying for you guys.

 

[Hackett]

Only you know your wife well enough to know if she would want to know... Personally, I would want to know, but I also know it would put enormous strain on my marriage (on any marriage, I presume). Since you cannot undo the damage that will undoubtedly occur when you tell her, I would advise you to wait and earnestly seek God's will in this. Ask Him to convict you of the right thing to do - it may be that this will be your burden and yours alone, and you have to carry it on your own knowing you may never ask your wife's forgiveness, or it may be that God wants you to confront the wrong that you did to your wife. I cannot say what the best thing to do will be.

But having said that, if it were my husband asking this advice from other Christians, I hope they tell him to tell me because I would want to know.

This is good advice.

When my husband told me I was devastated. I did forgive him because I loved him and wanted our marriage to survive, but I cannot express the level of pain I suffered.

I have visited/counseled with others who have had this experience. Many found that through counseling, renewing vows, and re-connecting emotionally their marriages have survived. We can't guess how your wife will respond. How well do you know her? How does she handle stress, disappointment, or other heartaches?
Also, if you tell her be aware that she will be angry, she has a right to be angry. Be prepared for that. To her it feels like a betrayal. Turn the situation around. How would you feel if she were the one confessing to an affair?

Do continue to pray about this and seek advice from a professional counselor (Christian). Please keep us posted so that we can pray effectively.

Father, I lift up my brother to you and ask that you give him wisdom that is beyond anything we can understand. I pray that you will give him clear direction and that you will surround him and his wife with your peace and comfort through the Holy Spirit and in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Amen

 

[Stringaling]

Perhaps you shoiuld seek counselling first, before you tell her, if you do. Then, of course only you truly are repentant, when you tell her, tell her that you are seeking counselling for this because you love her and you want to sve your marriage. She will be furious and you might not be able to discuss it with her for a while, but when she calms down tel her that you love her and urge her to go to counselling with you. Try to save the marriage. do everything you can. Once she knows what happened, the choice will be up to her.

OR, you could protect her by keeping the burden on your own shoulders for the rest of your life. But as has been pointed out, these things sometimes surface later..but not always.

I am sorry I don't have any clear advice...

I will preay for you

 

[Macbeth]

Thank you for your prayers and your advice.

 

[gracefaith]

If she could concievably find out on her own first, I don't think you have any choice but to tell her and soon. It is better that it come from you.

Seeking professional counseling on how you should approach this may be a good idea.

 

[llghoney]

I would have to say I would want to be told. To me this is more of being honest & coming clean. I have been in a situation where I found out something & I would rather have my husband come & tell me. I would agree with going to counsel on what you may need to say or how to approach her.

 

[Jill Ann]

Well, first let's get one thing straight.....the lack of intimacy in your marriage did not CAUSE you to have sex with another woman....perhaps it made you more vulnerable to temptation but that choice was all you, Macbeth. I don't think we ever really accept forgiveness and learn from our mistakes until we can be painfully honest with ourselves about our sins.

Next...if you are planning on staying in your marriage to your wife then OF COURSE you need to tell her about the adultery. Since you already have a big intimacy problem in your marriage then keeping a secret such as betrayal from your wife will only multiply that gap and you will never have the close relationship God intended. As painful as it will be for her to hear it is the right thing.

Then...you need to be able to seek help (counseling) in your marriage to work through this. The disclosure of an affair is one of the most painful things a betrayed spouse will have to live through and your wife will need a lot of time to work through it all. And, although she did not have the affair, she will need to look at what her part has been in the failing intimacy between you. You will also need to work on figuring out what you can do to prevent yourself from ever being in this situation again (affair) and start working to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage that you want.

 

[Johnnz]

You do need to talk it through. You did something wrong, but both need to really sort out why the driver behind your action, the loss of intimacy in your relationship, is there. You both have a real responsibility before God to put this right. Sine you are aware of the lack of intimacy I can assume that it is your wife who has become remote. She needs to see that her behaviour was a major contributor, and take responsibility for her contribution to the sad events as well.

John
NZ

 

[sherbetbrown]

Definitely go to counseling first! Then when you tell her she knows that you are seriously addressing the issue already and that you are acknowledging that it is a problem and something you need to deal with.

Also, I think she would probably want to know. She will be very angry to start off with but it may be better than to leave this big unspoken divide between the two of you. But I agree with the first person - ask the Holy Spirit what you should do and how you should approach it. Also, ask Him to soften her heart before you talk to her if you are going to.

It is great that you seem like you truly love your wife and regret this and want to deal with it though - this will make a big difference.

Big hugs,

~ E

 

[philknowles]

I told my wife when I committed adultery, and it hurt her and me for weeks. The impulses still come, but I have to die to my flesh everyday, and it's not easy. You need to tell her what had happened and it will hurt for a long time, but God can repair it and heal your marriage.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Don't tell on yourself and don't do it again.

 

[kayd1966]

I would want to know. If you keep it a secret from her...you are now building the future of your marriage on a lie. How can you build a marriage of honesty, integrity, trust, and love if you are hiding this. No matter how much it hurts her...wouldn't it be better for both of you to have it out in the open so it can be dealt with?

If you have a lot of pain...wouldn't you go to the Dr? If the Dr had bad news, wouldn't you want to know?...it would be had to treat the pain if you didn't know what was beinging treated...same goes here...if you want to rebuild your marriage, then you have to tell her so that she can deal with it. It would be worse if you did rebuild your marriage and then she found out from someone else...she would then know that the whole 'rebuilding' was done because of guilt not love.

I am praying for you...this is a very difficult situation to be in...God Bless

 

[squatpuke]

Confession and repentance are part of forgiveness...sounds like the repentance part might be there...

She needs to forgive you and you also need to forgive yourself....this won't happen if you hide it in the closet.

We all reap what we sow...and your crop is ready for harvesting dude...

I'd like to verbally beat you up some more, but don't want to it publically....if you'd like a nice written slamafesto and some more of my thoughts on this matter...send me a PM.

sp

(if I sound a little angry it's probably cause I am....three kids dude ! ! ...that's what torques me most)

 

[Svt4Him]

I think living a lie has a way of hurting. You made the choice to have an affair, now you are again making a choice you have no right to make, and that is you are deciding for your wife what her reaction will be. She has every right to make that choice herself, and you have no right to not give it to her.

But honestly I can't say for you. I use to believe what I just said 100%, but I don't anymore. I think at those times you need to talk to someone who can speak into your life, a pastor who knows you is good.

Let me also say I'm sorry. I realize how hard it is when temptation comes and the Bible clearly says it will when one withholds themself.

 

[ChelseaInChrist]

You should tell her, period. Yes it will hurt her but she will appreciate your honesty.
If you've truly repented, to God, it's as if it never happened.
I've recently found out about my boyfriend's sexual past, too.
It hurt me a lot at first and I felt as though I could never forgive him but I prayed and prayed for the strength to forgive and God gave it to me.
If God has forgiven him, who am I not to?

 

[*Miau*]

Did your pastor/priest actually tell you to leave her? He doesn't have a right to do that... that's not biblical!

If my husband sometime in the future comes to me and tells me that he's cheated on me - goodness, I'd get angry - very angry, but eventually I'd forgive him - because that's what we're called to do - forgive! I'd want to know, as our marriage is based on God, trust and honesty.