Accused of being selfish?

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I've had many people tell me that I'm selfish and don't care about anyone. Especially if I try to explain my Asperger's to them and/or mildly suggest that they should be more considerate and try to work around my issues or help me work around them. The thing is, I care A LOT about people, I just don't know how to show it or express it...and if I try, it comes out wrong and the person thinks it's an attack or a selfish comment or something. Everything is just misunderstood. For me, even saying "hi" to someone is a MASSIVE step, and it's an extreme expression of my caring for them or wanting to know them. But to them, it comes across as just a simple, pointless, empty greeting (even if I explain what it means to me).

Does anyone else have problems with people thinking you're selfish or inconsiderate? How do you deal with it or appear unselfish? Is there a way to explain to people that I'm not actually selfish, and that what they're viewing as selfishness is actually just a misunderstood complication of Asperger's? People seem to assume that just because they've read a Wikipedia article about Asperger's, they understand it, and that the basic symptoms laid out are all there is to it...they don't realize how much there really is involved in it, and how much it really affects life.

 

[Autocannibal]

This isn't at all easy, for a couple of reasons:

(1) Everyone is selfish, at some level, including those with Asperger's Syndrome. Generally people with Asperger's aren't as good at masking this as other people.

(2) Frankly, it's very hard for people with Asperger's to be involved with others in a concrete way since we don't understand others. We may care for others, but we can't reach out to them - our love gets lost in translation.

It can be a blessing - at any rate, I can't lie to myself as readily as others about my own sin. In the end, if others judge you, they are responsible before God for that. Don't focus on the fact that others see you as selfish - focus on God's majesty, and do what you can - no more and no less - for others.

It's not easy, but this is the best I can do.

 

[dayhiker]

Nap,
Hey, its a lot to learn this getting along with others. But your learning.
Keep saying hi and similar type things ... not so much for their sake, but for your own sake. Its taken me decades of doing those things to get somewhat comfortable with it.
They have pegged you as being selfish. So now they have you in that box. So they will view every thing you do as from you being in the selfish box. With time you can break the box they have put around you. But its a lot of work even for an NT. More so for us. But it can be a great learning took for us as we think it thru and fixgure out what we can do to change others preconception of us.

 

[SteveNZ]

Hi Nap, I feel for you.

Do not fret. As Dayhiker has shared you have been somewhat placed in a box. You are not selfish like anyone says but even with the best intentions folk will think like that at times.

I laugh with you.

Friends will slowly learn your lingo and recieve the blessings/compliments you share.
you are good value.

Jesus thinks you are terrific...... do enjoy this.

 

[Netbug009]

Ugh, I totally get this. People seem to think that mentioning you have trouble understanding something is making excuses for yourself.

 

[SteveNZ]

Ugh, I totally get this. People seem to think that mentioning you have trouble understanding something is making excuses for yourself.

YES. The trick is ismply to say '..please slow down a bit let's think about this..'.

And when you understand some important truth that they cannot (simply because our brains are wired with that skill/gift) they can get a bit upset.

haha ...... I mean that in a fine way. The trick is to use your skills/gifts to serve our Lord, knowing that many folk will be sincere in saying thay have little understanding where you are coming from. Wise folk will listen confused folk will go into '..there, there, we are confused so will pretend that you are confused to save face....' mode.
Please bear with them as they really are confused.....?

May you become the person in Christ you were made to be.

 

[Jeff4life]

I've had many people tell me that I'm selfish and don't care about anyone. Especially if I try to explain my Asperger's to them and/or mildly suggest that they should be more considerate and try to work around my issues or help me work around them. The thing is, I care A LOT about people, I just don't know how to show it or express it...and if I try, it comes out wrong and the person thinks it's an attack or a selfish comment or something. Everything is just misunderstood. For me, even saying "hi" to someone is a MASSIVE step, and it's an extreme expression of my caring for them or wanting to know them. But to them, it comes across as just a simple, pointless, empty greeting (even if I explain what it means to me).

Does anyone else have problems with people thinking you're selfish or inconsiderate? How do you deal with it or appear unselfish? Is there a way to explain to people that I'm not actually selfish, and that what they're viewing as selfishness is actually just a misunderstood complication of Asperger's? People seem to assume that just because they've read a Wikipedia article about Asperger's, they understand it, and that the basic symptoms laid out are all there is to it...they don't realize how much there really is involved in it, and how much it really affects life.

Hello Napolia. I don't have Aspergers, but I also have had similar situations to you with the tension of saying hello to people. People often judge me as selfish for that reason. But I think it is getting better, and a word of wisdom I heard about this from my therapist helped me. I don't know much about aspirers, so it may not apply to you, but I figured I would share it just in case. He told me to give people more of a chance to be cautious with me. Often, I think, people do have sort of defense mechanisms to keep them from being hurt by people. If someone was just a jerk and didn't say hi because they didn't care about others, this mechanism would protect them from being used by such a person. So when you have a problem saying hi and they are very cautious with you afterwords, I think it could be that sometimes. Also, I am sure some people are just being judgmental. But as for those people, that is their problem not yours. You certainly didn't choose to have aspergers. I think also some people tend to understand that you don't mean to be rude as you get to know them more. People can trust their instinct that you do care about them and then they can ignore problems with saying hi and whatnot.

Just a few thoughts, I don't mean to lecture you, it isn't easy for me and I don't even have your ailment.

Cheers,

- Jeff

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I can understand people having defense mechanisms, and that makes a lot of sense -- I hadn't really considered it before. I guess I just kind of assumed that because I'm an extremely honest person, people should KNOW that I'm telling the truth when I try to explain the reason behind why it's so difficult for me to greet them, or why I'm so socially awkward, or why I can't do some of the things they do (or expect me to do), or even explain that I do care but don't know how to show it. It's incredibly difficult for me to verbalize anything dealing with emotions, so when I try to express to someone that I do care, I expect them to appreciate that and understand how difficult it was for me to do it, and how far out of my comfort zone I had to go to do it. But oftentimes that's not the case. They ignore my effort (effort which I was proud of), and point out the things wrong with what I said, and how those things exemplify my supposed "selfishness."

I guess it just baffles me how they can't believe what I say, when it's complete truth.

 

[Jeff4life]

I can understand people having defense mechanisms, and that makes a lot of sense -- I hadn't really considered it before. I guess I just kind of assumed that because I'm an extremely honest person, people should KNOW that I'm telling the truth when I try to explain the reason behind why it's so difficult for me to greet them, or why I'm so socially awkward, or why I can't do some of the things they do (or expect me to do), or even explain that I do care but don't know how to show it. It's incredibly difficult for me to verbalize anything dealing with emotions, so when I try to express to someone that I do care, I expect them to appreciate that and understand how difficult it was for me to do it, and how far out of my comfort zone I had to go to do it. But oftentimes that's not the case. They ignore my effort (effort which I was proud of), and point out the things wrong with what I said, and how those things exemplify my supposed "selfishness."

I guess it just baffles me how they can't believe what I say, when it's complete truth.

Napolia, sorry to hear that it's so hard. Its sounds like few people understand what you have. It may help to remember that it is not God, but Satan is the accuser, (that is his name in scripture, Job 1:6, 2:1, Revelation 12:10) and that it is only what God thinks that matters. (John 5:41)

 

[SteveNZ]

I can understand people having defense mechanisms, and that makes a lot of sense -- I hadn't really considered it before. I guess I just kind of assumed that because I'm an extremely honest person, people should KNOW that I'm telling the truth when I try to explain the reason behind why it's so difficult for me to greet them, or why I'm so socially awkward, or why I can't do some of the things they do (or expect me to do), or even explain that I do care but don't know how to show it. It's incredibly difficult for me to verbalize anything dealing with emotions, so when I try to express to someone that I do care, I expect them to appreciate that and understand how difficult it was for me to do it, and how far out of my comfort zone I had to go to do it. But oftentimes that's not the case. They ignore my effort (effort which I was proud of), and point out the things wrong with what I said, and how those things exemplify my supposed "selfishness."

I guess it just baffles me how they can't believe what I say, when it's complete truth.

I understand exactly where you are coming from.

For some of us a simple honesty is too far from 'social-carefulness' that it is out of place.

EXAMPLE - Sort of silly but real. When a child we were invited out and the food was ..... arrr, awful tasting stuff. To me it was awful! Now I was asked what I thought by the kind lady and happily replied that it was awful.....
Warning, warning ....... So I suddenly found myself in trouble and was told to say sorry in a threatening tone. So, well and truly confused I said that I was so sorry it was awful.....

IT IS SO HARD AT TIMES TO VERBALISE WHAT OTHERS NEED TO HEAR AT TIMES..... I learn to pray and just keep back socially......

BUT ... You will know what I mean when I say that because of this need to 'back away' it can get pretty lonely as you cannot get right in and be real. I feel for you.... For you will have important gifts of service and need to be able to communicate what you understand to others.

May I share that it is very likely that with your understanding/outlook you will see things others will not. A special gift from the Lord. Things that with help them to grow and be who they should ....... may you learn to share this wisely. I pray a great deal for others as I see things....

MY THOUGHTS - You are in a social situation that is a bit extreme. I have met it too. To be honest a church I was in, changed overnight with a new pastor. (*This is no criticism just the way social systems work.) From easily accepting myself and my ways, even having an integral part in services (like a trainee lay preacher) to being placed aside with no interaction of what was up at all. The reason? Simply because of a different social wavelength, direction for the new chap and different way of doing things. All quite normal for human beings......... I was still a bit brassed off with God though BUT was all part of his plan and good did result from it.

May Jesus guide you.

 

[Winged]

I'm Aspeger's too, and I've often been told by (even my parents) that I don't care about anyone but myself. This, however, is not true. I care deeply for people, and can express warmth, but a lot of the time, I don't show it correctly, I guess. The worst was when I was told that I was being "malicious", and people take me as being malicious, when in fact, I seem to lack maliciousness completely, according to my aunt (who is a psychotherapist) and other therapists. They all find it rather odd that I just don't even have that in me like other people do.I think part of people misinterpreting my intentions, is that I do tend to be slightly reactive, and can at times get defensive.

Long story short, I think a lot of "normal" people, who aren't exposed to many Autistic people, have difficulty understanding us simply because they haven't done the research or had any real experience. I'd recommend talking to your therapist about ways to deal with people, and how to show that you do care in ways that most people will understand.

Good luck, and God bless!

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I'm Aspeger's too, and I've often been told by (even my parents) that I don't care about anyone but myself. This, however, is not true. I care deeply for people, and can express warmth, but a lot of the time, I don't show it correctly, I guess. The worst was when I was told that I was being "malicious", and people take me as being malicious, when in fact, I seem to lack maliciousness completely, according to my aunt (who is a psychotherapist) and other therapists. They all find it rather odd that I just don't even have that in me like other people do.I think part of people misinterpreting my intentions, is that I do tend to be slightly reactive, and can at times get defensive.

Long story short, I think a lot of "normal" people, who aren't exposed to many Autistic people, have difficulty understanding us simply because they haven't done the research or had any real experience. I'd recommend talking to your therapist about ways to deal with people, and how to show that you do care in ways that most people will understand.

Good luck, and God bless!

The problem is that people live by the saying, "Actions speak louder than words." But I've learned that in the case of those of us on the Autism spectrum, our actions don't always reflect the truth about how we feel or think, so that quote is largely irrelevant for us. I try to show people that I care, but it still comes across wrong, especially in the midst of all my social faux pas. The thing is, even if I do learn what ways most people express and understand that someone cares, I most likely either won't execute it right or won't even be able to get the courage to try it. I have to work up a lot of courage even to say a simple "hi" to someone.

I also tend to get defensive, mainly because I'm obsessed with honesty and truth, so if somebody says something about me that isn't 100% true, I get defensive and want to correct them, because truth is the most important thing to me.

 

[dayhiker]

I often found that I was slow to express my feelings. So the conversation had moved on and if I then did express what I was thinking it was out of place in the conversation. So I tended to be quite and not say too much. Time has helped a lot with that. As I've thought thru how I feel and think about topics, I can now express them quicker and clearer than I could when I was young.

 

[dayhiker]

I used to be concern about how people thought about why I did what I did and said.
But I learned they are going to think and say what they want to ... so me correcting them doesn't change any thing. I then thought well, I'm still me no matter what they say. So I've learned to be comfortable with who I am in the inside. So they can stay confused as to who I am as long as they want to. This really brought a lot of freedom to me. I'm free from figuring how to straighten other people out, I'm free to think about what I want to meditate on rather than what others are confused about. Its always good to have energy to do what I'm interested in doing.

Hope that makes some sense

I also tend to get defensive, mainly because I'm obsessed with honesty and truth, so if somebody says something about me that isn't 100% true, I get defensive and want to correct them, because truth is the most important thing to me.

 

[NapoliaDinosaur]

I often found that I was slow to express my feelings. So the conversation had moved on and if I then did express what I was thinking it was out of place in the conversation. So I tended to be quite and not say too much. Time has helped a lot with that. As I've thought thru how I feel and think about topics, I can now express them quicker and clearer than I could when I was young.

I generally don't express any emotions, I guess because I don't know how to, unless defensiveness is an emotion (I also have trouble recognizing and identifying emotions). But I usually think of what I should have said far after the conversation is over.

 

[ckonrad]

people with aspergers are essentially part of a different culture, all these difficulties you are having are the same kinds of difficulties people have when they are a minority group within a larger culture. All minority groups experience being misunderstood by the majority. Look at african americans for example they talk in a certain way and have a different way of thinking and acting that many caucasian people from a small town might misapprehend as being aggression or dishonesty. The only way past all these problems is with education which is a really difficult long process regarding any cultural misunderstandings. There is no perfect easy solution, we just need to increase awareness so that people can choose to exercise tolerance and compassion.