ABUSIVE husband...

Theogonia · Aug 7, 2006

I did forget about the financial issues.

twistedsketch said:
The only good reason Jesus gave is adultery.

Adultery doesn't neccesarily mean just sexual. But in this case the husband did cheat on her with multiple women and even threatened to do it again.

This man sounds like scum. I can't believe he calls himself a christian.

Sketcher · Aug 7, 2006

ScottyL said:
I did forget about the financial issues.

Adultery doesn't neccesarily mean just sexual. But in this case the husband did cheat on her with multiple women and even threatened to do it again.

This man sounds like scum. I can't believe he calls himself a christian.

Yes it does just mean sexual. By this, I'm including going on dates with other women but not having sex.

He is scum, but he's still the husband. The church needs to discipline him. Joyusliving's post is full of wisdom.

CaiperLane · Aug 7, 2006

Adultery is breaking of the marriage vows. The marriage vows are stated in scripture. Abuse is beytrayal of those vows.

The Biblical Reasons For Divorce

Adultery: Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery," (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.
Abandonment: In addressing the issue of husband and wife, Paul said, "Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace," (1 Cor. 7:15).

First of all, no matter what view one takes in the issue of divorce it is important to remember the words of the Bible from Malachi 2:16a: I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel. According to the Bible, Gods plan is that marriage be a lifetime commitment. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate (Matthew 19:6). God realizes, though, that since a marriage involves two sinful human beings, divorce is going to occur. In the Old Testament, He laid down some laws in order to protect the rights of divorcees, especially women (Deuteronomy 24:1-4). Jesus pointed out that these laws were given because of the hardness of peoples hearts, not because they were Gods desire (Matthew 19:8).

The controversy over whether divorce and remarriage is allowed according to the Bible revolves primarily around Jesus words in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. The phrase except for marital unfaithfulness is the only thing in Scripture that possibly gives Gods permission for divorce and remarriage.
But unfaithfulness is not only sexual. It is breaking of the vows set forth in scripture. To honor your wife as Christ loved the Church is directed at the husband. Abusing a spouse is NOT honoring.

However, the Greek word translated marital unfaithfulness is a word which can mean any form of sexual immorality. It is can mean fornication, prostitution, adultery, etc. Jesus is possibly saying that divorce is permissible if sexual immorality is committed. Sexual relations is such an integral part of the marital bond the two will become one flesh (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5; Ephesians 5:31). Therefore, a breaking of that bond by sexual relations outside of marriage might be a permissible reason for divorce. If so, Jesus also has remarriage in mind in this passage. The phrase and marries another (Matthew 19:9) indicates that divorce and remarriage are allowed in an instance of the exception clause, whatever it is interpreted to be. It is important to note that only the innocent party is allowed to remarry. Although it is not stated in the text, the allowance for remarriage after a divorce is Gods mercy for the one who was sinned against, not for the one who committed the sexual immorality.

God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16). He doesn't say it's a sin. he says he hates it. The impact of divorce as a whole has redefined a godless society. Many divorces occur because of reasons such as, they fell out of love, they have different career choices, one wants children the other doesn't, they feel incompatible, and small problems that could be addressed in counseling. But when there is infidelity, abuse and/or abandonment these are grounds for a Biblical divorce.

in the case of abuse, we must also consider that our bodies and minds are the temple of God. One shouldn't remain in an abusive home if they can help it. Physical, mental or emotional abuse in any marriage is unacceptable to God. If one is truly converted to God and His way of life, they will become God's temple. He will live in them and walk among them in Spirit, be their God, and they will be His people. The New Covenant spoken of in a number of places in the Bible is the contract of living God's Way. God looks into the temple (the flat part of the face in a human) and welcomes those who by their conscience have been keeping themselves separate from idols, darkness, and Satan the devil, who is the ruler and deceiver of this present evil world ( Rev.12:9).

"And what union can there be between God's temple and idols? For you are God's temple, the home of the living God, and God has said of you, "I will live in them and walk among them, and I will be their God and they shall be my people." " ( 2 Cor. 6:16, The Living Bible) That is why God says,

"Leave them; separate yourselves from them; don't touch their filthy things, and I will welcome you." ( v. 17) "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? If any man defile the temple [body] of God, him shall God destroy; for the temple of God is holy, which temple ye are." (1 Cor 3:16-17, KJV)

When a person is converted they are willing to keep a commitment to God and walk in His Ways.

"Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them." (Psalm 119:165, KJV) "For the commandment is a lamp; and the law is light; and reproofs of instruction are the way of life." (Prov. 6:23, KJV)

Put God first in your life.

"See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil, in that I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in His ways, and to keep His commandments, His statutes, and His judgments, that you may live and multiply; and the LORD your God will bless you in the land which you go to possess. " ( Deut. 30:15-16, NKJV)

In the New Testament Paul also addresses this issue in the Book of 1Corinthians:

" To the rest [those in mixed marriages where one is a believer and the other may not be] I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy [set apart]. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?" ( 1 Cor 7:12-16, NIV)

No one should ever stay in an abusive situation. If the offending spouse was a believer at one time, they have become an unbeliever because of their behavior. If the offender is not willing to seek counseling and make a sincere, concerted effort to change their habits and the situation at home, the offended spouse should not remain in this type of environment where they will be abused.

heron · Aug 7, 2006

It's not tickling ears to support divorce in the case of abuse. If you are taking scriptures seriously and not picking and choosing, then according to scriptures, this man would have already been put to death.

If you're going to state God's opinion, you need to look at His whole statement.

Since we live in a more forgiving society, we choose not to put offenders to death-- but then they are allowed to continue in their abuse. A sexual abuser should not be left in the house with children, whether they beg for him to be there or not.

Le 20:10

If there is a man who commits adultery with another man's wife, one who commits adultery with his friend's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

(Scotty, thanks.)

Sketcher · Aug 7, 2006

Abandonment: In addressing the issue of husband and wife, Paul said, "Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace," (1 Cor. 7:15).

The abandonment here is very specific, as in both were unsaved, the wife converts, but the husband doesn't (or vice versa). And the unbelieving spouse leaves the believer because of the believer's new faith. That's not what we're seeing here.

Sketcher · Aug 7, 2006

heron said:
It's not tickling ears to support divorce in the case of abuse. If you are taking scriptures seriously and not picking and choosing, then according to scriptures, this man would have already been put to death.

If you're going to state God's opinion, you need to look at His whole statement.

Since we live in a more forgiving society, we choose not to put offenders to death-- but then they are allowed to continue in their abuse. A sexual abuser should not be left in the house with children, whether they beg for him to be there or not.

Le 20:10

If there is a man who commits adultery with another man's wife, one who commits adultery with his friend's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall surely be put to death.

(Scotty, thanks.)

I'd love to see him put to death. In fact, perhaps my life's work will include expanding the death penalty to adulterers. Unfortunately, we can't do it without the law because that would be murder.

Since abuse is not listed in Scripture as a legitimate reason for divorce, I'm afraid it is ear-tickling to say that she can divorce and remarry. Separation may be possible for the sake of correcting the husband, and only in obedience to God - this would include him being disciplined by the church as said earlier. But the two should eventually be reconciled after the husband has repented of his ways. Remarraige is not an option.

Theogonia · Aug 7, 2006

Assuming he does in fact repent. But if she keeps giving him chances and he doesn't change, eventually she'll be 80 and look back and see her life was wasted.

And no, the death penalty for something like that is too harsh.

A murderer is the only one who should be put to death.

Tavita · Aug 7, 2006

myredeemerJESUSlives said:
so if after the 6 months of waiting to see if he gets his act together, am i not permitted to date and perhaps marry a strong Christian man according to scripture? For i know i will surely go crazy secretly falling in love with those Christian men i admire and this in itself would be torchure not to express it to the one the Lord has chosen.

Regardless of what you hear in here, myredeemerJESUSlives, you do need to separate and get yourself back together again. I know you're feeling lonely and rejected by your husband and that is possibly the reason you are looking at and desiring other christian men. Women 'usually' have affairs for emotional reasons, rather than sexual. (But you know, having a christian husband doesn't guarantee a wonderful life - ask some of those christian wives what they have to live with away from social events).

Don't leave with the intention of finding another man. Put the idea of another man out of your mind as you need to get your life back together and seek to find all you need, in Jesus, and to get on the road to recovery. You need to find your acceptance and worth in His eyes more than that of any other man. That doesn't mean I believe you can't remarry again one day, but if you do it needs to be the man God chooses for you. And for Him to choose for you means you don't look for yourself. He may take another ten or more years to give you someone, but you need to accept His will and find your joy in the intimacy that comes from being close to Jesus. You need to become a pure and whole person, and just as we as the bride of Christ must become pure with white garments, so a woman must prepare herself for her husband.... and it all takes time. Because of what you've been through you have many issues in your life that need addressing and it wouldn't be fair to dump those issues on another man.

In the meantime seek to become a handmaiden of the Lord, to serve Him and Him alone. What greater gift can children have but to have a content and holy mother who lives for her Lord? From experience, I know that Jesus is waiting for you to turn to Him and accept Him as your husband.

(Isa 54:5 NASB) "For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth.

Theogonia · Aug 7, 2006

There's nothing wrong with being on the lookout for a new husband.

Tavita · Aug 7, 2006

ScottyL said:
There's nothing wrong with being on the lookout for a new husband.

It's a matter of opinion I guess. But if you want the man God chooses for you then it's best to let Him do the looking. Same as for any christian, if we're going to have Jesus as our Lord as well as Savior then isn't it up to Him to choose for us? You need only go read the account of God choosing Rebekah for Jacob. Rebekah's father sent his servant (type of, the Holy Spirit) to go to his people and choose a wife from his (the father's) people (type of, the body of believers).

Here's another I heard... When God made a woman for Adam, he put him to sleep. We ought to be asleep (not concerned with looking) for it's then that the right one will come along.

franz4ever · Aug 7, 2006

myredeemerJESUSlives said:
After praying for many many many years to my Lord Jesus Christ, I wonder what God's will is for my life, and marriage.Verbal, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, and sexual abuse throughout my marriage still not changing and i think he is unfaithful again, as he was at the begining of the marriage so many years ago. This loveless marriage has left me secretly falling in love with other Christian men who's only desire is to please the Lord, even just listening to male Christian artists leaves me falling in love with their spritual leadership and desire to please the Lord...I feel guilt but i cant stop it. I know the Lord doesnt want me to live like this but what to do?I submit myself to the Lord's will over my life, I cannot live like this anylonger.Help

Please seek help for yourself in this situation. Abuse in any form is not ordained by God and He doesn't want you to endure it. I will be praying for you and your situation.

Theogonia · Aug 7, 2006

tavita: I don't believe God works that way, that you can just sit back and do nothing, but whatever.

AngelDove1 · Aug 7, 2006

myredeemerJESUSlives said:
at the begining of the marriage he was unfaithful with aprox 20 women...and since then many times i have indications that it is repeated...

"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God,
and He will give you the desires of your heart"

You have a choice to make.
You don't have to stay with this man.
Biblicly You have every right to leave him.

God wants His children to be happy

Tavita · Aug 7, 2006

ScottyL said:
tavita: I don't believe God works that way, that you can just sit back and do nothing, but whatever.

Scotty: God can work in whatever way He chooses. You're young and haven't been through the experiences of a bad marriage and don't realize how devastating it is to a person as a whole. A lot of damage is done, psychologically, and if we divorce and don't deal with the damage that's been done, and go 'seeking', we just take it along to the next person. It's good to pray and ask the Lord to find someone for you, and then leave it at that. In the meantime, for those who have been abused they need to concentrate on becoming healed and whole again, and the only way to do that is to put aside all thoughts of finding another and seek Jesus first and His counsel. Doesn't the scripture say that if we seek Him and His kingdom first then all these other things will be added to us?

There is nothing wrong as a young person in desiring to have a mate and praying. But put Him and His kingdom first and He will find you one.... He will ADD to you.

Theogonia · Aug 7, 2006

Oh I see what you're saying.

I misunderstood you.

You're saying that coming out of a bad marriage we shouldn't be seeking another right away, because we need healing?

Tavita · Aug 7, 2006

ScottyL said:
Oh I see what you're saying.

I misunderstood you.

You're saying that coming out of a bad marriage we shouldn't be seeking another right away, because we need healing?

Now you've got it. But at the same time, in everyone's case, by putting Jesus and His kingdom first, we are to 'walk in the Spirit and not fulfil the lusts of the flesh'. By walking in the Spirit THEN we will fulfil God's will in our lives. And IF it is His will that He wants another for us, then HE will arrange for it to happen.

(Rom 8:28 NASB) And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

God may also not want for myredeemerJESUSlives to be married again. We need to bow our knee to Jesus and accept His will for us, and we can only do that by dying to our own fleshly desires, commiting ourselves to Him as our Lord, and 'walk in the Spirit'.

It's no good quoting scriptures at someone to put them under law again (thou shalt not taste, thou shalt not touch). We need to get to the heart of a matter and encourage them to work on their relationship with Jesus first, above all things (and it's then that we receive the healing we need). For when we are that close to Him, then we will walk in the works (His will) that He has ordained for us.

*BTW.. thanks for the rep, Scotty.

heron · Aug 7, 2006

ScottyL said:
You're saying that coming out of a bad marriage we shouldn't be seeking another right away, because we need healing?

Just one example-- how many times have you heard someone say "I don't know why I keep picking the bad ones." We get so used to being treated a certain way by others -- including parents, siblings, teachers, employers, and peers -- that we slip into that same mold / fit too easily.

Even being accustomed to someone else making decisions, they could set themselves up to expect new friends to make the decisions... re-creating the old patterns that might not yet exist!

When someone has been treated as incapable or minimally important, then the next relationship they start up will likely be with another strong personality. People need to fill in the gaps of how they see themselves... strengthen the weak areas...see themselves as a whole, capable people before possibly being treated as a half person again.

The difference is offense vs. defense, passive vs. active, reactive vs. creative-assertive. People should not walk on eggshells their whole lives, and make every move based on by fear of rejection or harm.

The goal is not to obtain a good person to complete your life, or wait for the offender to become a good person, but to be a whole person with a full life, with Christ completing us. He is our source.

myredeemerJESUSlives · Aug 7, 2006

I am so blessed by reading all this these are many of the conflicts going on in my own head. Sadly my dh doesnt go to church and finds it impossible to accept anyones advice when it doesnt agree with his so that option is out.
For many years the Lord has been preparing me for this, i havent had the opportunity to make the same mistake twice as we have been together for so many years, and we were not believers when we met. Since that time, i have matured in my relationship with the Lord, and He has given me at least some discernment PTL !... i would not want another relationship unless it was CLEARLY a blessing directly from the Lord. I am learning more and more everyday how to hear His voice and a strangers voice I do not follow.

Abundant blessings to all of you!~amen

Sketcher · Aug 8, 2006

myredeemerJESUSlives said:
i would not want another relationship unless it was CLEARLY a blessing directly from the Lord. I am learning more and more everyday how to hear His voice and a strangers voice I do not follow.

That's very good, but it is very easy to fool yourself into thinking God said "yes" or "no" to something when it's really your own desire or fear. As someone who has done this himself, please guard against that and make sure your decisions are grounded in the Word.

AngelDove1 · Aug 8, 2006

myredeemerJESUSlives said:
Abundant blessings to all of you!~amen

Huggles....

God be with you always.

praying for you and yours
Take courage & strenght

love ya gal

God's word says.....

2 Cor 6:14-15 NIV

"Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.
For what do rightousness and wickedness
have in common? Or what fellowship can
light have with darkness?

What harmony is there between Christ and Belial?
What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?"

ABUSIVE husband...

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