Abuse...

[nowhereville]

Obviously if you are going to stay in your marriage, there will need to be changes and, you are going to have to grow a back bone and stand your ground. I say that only because I've started growing one last year, and I have about a half a back bone.

You're allowed to (and encouraged) to say, you know what? You are too angry to discuss this right now. I will be happy to talk to you when you are calmer, but this is pointless and I will not participate at this time. What time later would you like to talk?

Set a date daily to talk but not about issues or negative things and keep the date.

Set a time once a week alternating who will bring up an issue in the relationship are bothering them. See above if it gets heated.

She treats you like this because she can - you allow it. Stop allowing it and it will stop.

Trust me I woiuld know - I am now retraining my entire family as my kids learned from their dad how to treat me. It's exhausting, but it is working actualy.

 

[MyaShane]

You absolutely need to stand up and be heard. If your pastor or anyone else does not hear from you then they're left to draw their own conclusion based only on your wife's account of the situation. Obviously nothing but more pain is all you're getting from your silence. Your description of her words from that conversation do not come from someone who truly loves you IMO. I'm sorry for you. It sounds to me as if the 2 of you don't even like eachother at this point. I'll be praying for healing for your relationship and strength for you to stand up for yourself!

 

[hisbloodformysins]

You and the kids NEED help from someone who does not hate men! There are such people, more than a few of them. Please, find one.

quote]



Oh jwwells... here's a hug

You're just too cute! You remind me of myself.

HB

 

[BigNorsk]

I would suggest getting a small electronic recorder and recording some of your conversations. Then privately ask to meet with your pastor. Tell him that you want to hear what it's been like at your house for a long time whenever he or someone else isn't present. Then play the recording. Tell him how long this has been going on. Tell him about all the other abuse.

Much of the power of an abuser relies on secrecy.

I wouldn't recommend trying to play such a tape for your pastor in the presence of your wife she is likely to do all sorts of things to stop you, explain it away and so on, and as a person who has been abused for a long time, you probably just can't stand up to her in that type of situation just yet.

Anyway, after playing the tape and telling the pastor the true situation. Then you ask him for help. He doesn't understand what's going on right now. His telling you to do the right thing is spoken lacking knowledge. Don't take it that he is somehow on her side. He is currently misinformed.

You don't want this to just be your word against her's. Gather some information for others to see or hear the truth from her own mouth.

Your cell phone might work to record. Then you could probably email yourself the recordings at an email box she doesn't know about.

Or one of the small electronic recorders are pretty easily hidden.

Or record phone conversations. Something like this company sells http://www.telephonecallrecorder.com/

Marv

 

[BigNorsk]

I should mention another thing. Usually after hearing the truth, the pastor is going to want to confront her. That's okay but more than once when an abusive person has been confronted and then the confronting people leave, the victum is really abused.

So if that unfolds, some steps need to be taken to assure that help is available.

For instance, a few minutes after they leave, you should receive a phone call. The person asks to speak to you, if you don't come to the phone. People are immediately at the door. If you do answer, you have a prearranged code. Oh, Hi Jim, means things seem okay. What do you want Jim, means come help.

You should also have a cell phone on you to be able to dial for help. And a hidden cell phone that she doesn't know about.

It's even sometimes a good idea as the people leave to open the cell call then, letting the person on the other end hear what is being said as it happens. Again it should be recorded, and if the person is in any doubt as to your safety. Help is called immediately.

It might sound a bit overboard, but I would never want to hear again where an abused person was sent back to their spouse by a church and ended up injured or even dead. That's happened just too many times, and often it's for the very reason that people find it very hard to believe the abuser is like they really are.

Often it seems difficult to even know who to ask for help, because many abusers are experts at cutting their victum off from the world. To where you feel you don't have friends to turn to.

Also, if there is any question about the safety of the children, they should be removed and watched, and they shouldn't be there if any sort of confrontation is going to occur.

And the children are a big reason to record and document the abuse. So that you can increase your chances of getting them and protecting them. Without evidence they will likely be left with her.

It's a terrible situation, gather some proof and at least give your church a chance to help. Also look in the paper for a support group for either men who are victums of abuse or a mixed group.

Marv

 

[HeatherJay]

I sometimes wonder how I got myself in this situation. I look at the man I once was and then realize what a shell I am of that person.

I look at my children, some of which are old enough to see my pain. I know they all see and feel what is happening around them.

I stayed with her years ago because of my daughter. I realize now that I should have left, things only got better between us because I allowed myself to lose the spark of life that kept me going in this miserable world.

When all is said and done, I am the bad guy.

I am the one who is not willing to work at the commitment and promise I made to her. I betrayed her when I told her I cared about her but was not in love with her. I have been repeatedly accused of having an affair. I seem uncaring and cold at times...

She remembers a time a few months back... She says we were truly happy, I look at that same time and tell her I wasn't... I was miserable.

I have spent the last five years making what ever sacrifices I had to make in order to make our marriage work. I sold my soul, everything that made me who I was and who I am.

I am a dreamer, a joker, I love the little things in life. I have always been lost in the small miracles we overlook on a daily basis. I love spending time with my kids, I love laughter and fun. Life is too short to make it about anything other than enjoying those people you love.

Those ideals don't fit... and so I gave them up.

I found myself yelling at my kids at the top of my lungs because it was taking too long to clean their room. I would work, come home, do my chores...

I should have seen the signs when we were dating, but I was a fool. I was 26 and thought I would spend the rest of my life by myself if I didn't meet someone, and I needed to stop being picky.

I think we had been dating for two months. we had gone camping. I woke up in the morning and walked over to the lake, there was two inches of fog hovering over any part of the water. It looked absolutely amazing. I ran back to the tent..

"Hey honey! C'mon you really need to see this!"

She gets up. I walk her over and she looks at it.

"What's the big deal."

Then she turns around and walks away. I know it sounds silly and petty, but these little things always were a big deal to me. I am yet to have her sit with me for more than five minutes outside when there is a summer storm.

So I over looked many many things. I also asked God, I asked him to not let me be alone anymore... I never asked for happiness.

Six month later she was pregnant.

Our entire relationship was arguments and disagreements. I started working late just because I seriously hated being at home.

I stopped getting her flowers because she told me she didn't like getting flowers. I used to get her little things atleast once a week and she told me it was a waste of money... until recently I used to get her cards, just because but I kept finding them in the garbage.. so that stopped... Remember it is the little things.

I wanted to build the furniture for the living room, I wanted it to be custom. She said

"Yeah, I don't think you can do that. no."

I was hurt. Again a little thing. but it still hurt.

I pretty much got very used to being quiet and not talking back. If I did, I was afraid she would cheat on me again. So I completely let go of me and became what she wanted...

The funny thing is. I seriously don't think she gets it. Last night we talked again.

I said "You have to understand it's been a long time of me feeling like crap all the time. when you constantly make statements like 'You can't ever do anything right!' They hurt."

She said "Well, you can't do anything right."

I said "Do you realize what it feels like to be talked down to, wonder what I'm going to get yelled at or critisized today about?"

She said "I never do that, you are just being stupid."

I said "The other day, you told me what to make for dinner, (I tought her how to cook, now she tells me I can't cook all the time) you told me to do the dishes and to not freakin touch the girls dishes. You were talking to me like I was a kid... Then you call me up during the day and tell me that I need to clean the house and make sure everything gets done. Because nothing gets done if you are not around."

She says "Right, nothing gets done when I'm not around because you are not responsible... if you were responsible then maybe I wouldn't treat you that way."

I said "Do you even care about how I feel?"

She said "Well, if you said something that had meaning then I would care, but everything coming out of your mouth is crap."

Then she got up and left.

The moment she got home last night all the kids left to the other room because she shut off the movie we were watching so she could watch something else.

I'm so tired... I know what will make her happy, I was doing it for five years and I felt lost and confused. I just don't want to live like that anymore.

Our pastor came over on Monday, he will be here today. The moment he walked in the door she started crying, the only words that were spoken from her was when she told me to tell him what I had said to her (I'm not in love with you). I can't bring myself to talk about what she does to me, I feel so emasculated, so weak.

When he left, he hugged her and said don't worry everything will be fine. then he looked at me and said I'm counting on you to do the right thing...

... He walked out. She dried her tears and gave me a victorious smirk (Like, see this is all your fault) then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the evening.

I feel like crap... I'm so tired.

Things were bad, but they got really worse when I hurt my arm a few months ago. I couldn't work (Detached a bicep and tore a tendon.. yeah, not fun) I'm finally looking for a job, I'm not 100% but I can work as long as I baby my arm.

I was getting my unemployment check, but somehow it got to the point where I had to call her and ask permision to buy myself a can of redbull or something... what ever.

Pastor will be here today. I know I will be told how love is work and I made a commitment and all the other stuff he will be saying because he means well. He will talk to her one on one... She already said to me, that if we got a divorce she would make sure everyone new what a jerk I was and would hate me.

... so tired.

I know what it takes to make her happy... it means losing myself in a world of fake smiles and being obedient with out question... in other words, say goodbye to me.

A life of work work work. things need to be done, order, organization, (Putting up the Christmas tree was like watching a milatary drill)

thanks for letting me vent... I needed it this morning.

Hey you...no advice, just a big big big hug.

 

[dayknee]

I sometimes wonder how I got myself in this situation. I look at the man I once was and then realize what a shell I am of that person.

I look at my children, some of which are old enough to see my pain. I know they all see and feel what is happening around them.

I stayed with her years ago because of my daughter. I realize now that I should have left, things only got better between us because I allowed myself to lose the spark of life that kept me going in this miserable world.

When all is said and done, I am the bad guy.

I am the one who is not willing to work at the commitment and promise I made to her. I betrayed her when I told her I cared about her but was not in love with her. I have been repeatedly accused of having an affair. I seem uncaring and cold at times...

She remembers a time a few months back... She says we were truly happy, I look at that same time and tell her I wasn't... I was miserable.

I have spent the last five years making what ever sacrifices I had to make in order to make our marriage work. I sold my soul, everything that made me who I was and who I am.

I am a dreamer, a joker, I love the little things in life. I have always been lost in the small miracles we overlook on a daily basis. I love spending time with my kids, I love laughter and fun. Life is too short to make it about anything other than enjoying those people you love.

Those ideals don't fit... and so I gave them up.

I found myself yelling at my kids at the top of my lungs because it was taking too long to clean their room. I would work, come home, do my chores...

I should have seen the signs when we were dating, but I was a fool. I was 26 and thought I would spend the rest of my life by myself if I didn't meet someone, and I needed to stop being picky.

I think we had been dating for two months. we had gone camping. I woke up in the morning and walked over to the lake, there was two inches of fog hovering over any part of the water. It looked absolutely amazing. I ran back to the tent..

"Hey honey! C'mon you really need to see this!"

She gets up. I walk her over and she looks at it.

"What's the big deal."

Then she turns around and walks away. I know it sounds silly and petty, but these little things always were a big deal to me. I am yet to have her sit with me for more than five minutes outside when there is a summer storm.

So I over looked many many things. I also asked God, I asked him to not let me be alone anymore... I never asked for happiness.

Six month later she was pregnant.

Our entire relationship was arguments and disagreements. I started working late just because I seriously hated being at home.

I stopped getting her flowers because she told me she didn't like getting flowers. I used to get her little things atleast once a week and she told me it was a waste of money... until recently I used to get her cards, just because but I kept finding them in the garbage.. so that stopped... Remember it is the little things.

I wanted to build the furniture for the living room, I wanted it to be custom. She said

"Yeah, I don't think you can do that. no."

I was hurt. Again a little thing. but it still hurt.

I pretty much got very used to being quiet and not talking back. If I did, I was afraid she would cheat on me again. So I completely let go of me and became what she wanted...

The funny thing is. I seriously don't think she gets it. Last night we talked again.

I said "You have to understand it's been a long time of me feeling like crap all the time. when you constantly make statements like 'You can't ever do anything right!' They hurt."

She said "Well, you can't do anything right."

I said "Do you realize what it feels like to be talked down to, wonder what I'm going to get yelled at or critisized today about?"

She said "I never do that, you are just being stupid."

I said "The other day, you told me what to make for dinner, (I tought her how to cook, now she tells me I can't cook all the time) you told me to do the dishes and to not freakin touch the girls dishes. You were talking to me like I was a kid... Then you call me up during the day and tell me that I need to clean the house and make sure everything gets done. Because nothing gets done if you are not around."

She says "Right, nothing gets done when I'm not around because you are not responsible... if you were responsible then maybe I wouldn't treat you that way."

I said "Do you even care about how I feel?"

She said "Well, if you said something that had meaning then I would care, but everything coming out of your mouth is crap."

Then she got up and left.

The moment she got home last night all the kids left to the other room because she shut off the movie we were watching so she could watch something else.

I'm so tired... I know what will make her happy, I was doing it for five years and I felt lost and confused. I just don't want to live like that anymore.

Our pastor came over on Monday, he will be here today. The moment he walked in the door she started crying, the only words that were spoken from her was when she told me to tell him what I had said to her (I'm not in love with you). I can't bring myself to talk about what she does to me, I feel so emasculated, so weak.

When he left, he hugged her and said don't worry everything will be fine. then he looked at me and said I'm counting on you to do the right thing...

... He walked out. She dried her tears and gave me a victorious smirk (Like, see this is all your fault) then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the evening.

I feel like crap... I'm so tired.

Things were bad, but they got really worse when I hurt my arm a few months ago. I couldn't work (Detached a bicep and tore a tendon.. yeah, not fun) I'm finally looking for a job, I'm not 100% but I can work as long as I baby my arm.

I was getting my unemployment check, but somehow it got to the point where I had to call her and ask permision to buy myself a can of redbull or something... what ever.

Pastor will be here today. I know I will be told how love is work and I made a commitment and all the other stuff he will be saying because he means well. He will talk to her one on one... She already said to me, that if we got a divorce she would make sure everyone new what a jerk I was and would hate me.

... so tired.

I know what it takes to make her happy... it means losing myself in a world of fake smiles and being obedient with out question... in other words, say goodbye to me.

A life of work work work. things need to be done, order, organization, (Putting up the Christmas tree was like watching a milatary drill)

thanks for letting me vent... I needed it this morning.

I just want to let you know..that in alot of regard to your post..I feel the same way about my marriage.
and most people are looking to me to make it better...when most people do not understand or know the seriousness of it..
I am praying for you and will continue. You are a good person and I know the Lord will see you thru this whatever the outcome.

 

[jwwells]

I didn't say too much yesterday as my mood had a LOT more than just the many many times I have read such posts from men and women: Mostly men due to my interest in men's lives. I've been there myself. I do NOT like to think about it. There's just too much pain and too much hatred of men who go through this. HMPH!

I handle it with sympathy for all of the hurting and with trying, desperately trying, to understand the theories of behavior. I sympathize with all going through this.


Backbone? Such comments are VERY helpful to some and hurtful to others. It is hard to say which group DonaldOrwinRenKern is in. Some people can stand up and not let the abuser hurt them, others need immense help to do that. It's an area of society & study which needs more time and less sexism. (I wish I knew which group he belonged in.)


One problem with Pastors is the very common idea that ALL marriage problems are the husband's fault. This is a very common way of looking at marriage and a disaster for both Christianity and society. It kills people. It kills men and it kills children. Bad scene ... REAL bad scene. Mordor like.... SATANIC! Worse, it is a way of looking at family which is spreading and already represents over 10% of Christian counseling.

Another of the problems is the idea that the husband is in charge in the Christian home. Some men CANNOT be that way: They are incapable due to the way God made them. Their personality and emotional sensitivity are too different from the male norm to allow such behavior. Attempting to force them will CAUSE SUICIDE! It is MURDER! PERIOD! Unfortunately, too few are willing to consider the cost to a mere male. This represents most Pastors these days and is a threat to us all.


HB: Uhm? Thanks, I think. I was serious though due to what I said in the previous two paragraphs.


All: I think there are many here who do understand the basic problem. Quite a few of us have BEEN THERE! Or worse, are there NOW in our own marriage. Too few of us are aware of the problems male victims face, but the base of the problem we know.

Our Lord Jesus gave us the Golden Rule for a reason and very few seem willing to even try to use it. This refusal to consider the Golden Rule is one source of abuse.

The Bible, rightly, says such things as abuse pass on to the children and the grandchildren and and ... Stopping abuse in a marriage is stopping abuse in other people's lives as well. Stopping abuse passes goodness on to people will will never meet.

I often wonder what God thinks of it all?

 

[Whitestone]

Donald for the sake of your children you have to be honest with the pastor.

 

[DonaldOrwinRenKern]

Donald for the sake of your children you have to be honest with the pastor.

I think the only thing I worry about most is the behaviour they see and it possibly being passed down.

I may be a hopeless romantic and live my live in a silly dream but honestly there seems to be no room for true love in the reality we live in.

I had always hoped that at some point in my life I would be able to show my children what it meant to love someone completely.

They know how I love them and they know my love for God and beauty. But they have never had an example of two people loving each other completely, in fact they see the opposite.

They see their father living day to day miserable.

Someone had said something about growing a back bone, trust me I didn't take offense, I found it quite funny. Our problems really got bad when I decided to grow a back bone..

I finally started standing up for myself.

Then the fighting started again...

I was honest with the pastor, but his eyes and heart are going to see something that is not there. Ultimately it is the husbands responsability to repair the marriage.

And it is just verbal abuse... Men have dealt with this for years, we gave it a name so we wouldn't feel emasculated.... Nagging.

She is trying now... I guess.

She still makes little comments here and there but it's been two days and we haven't gotten into any huge arguement...

I'm really tired...

I wonder if it would just be easier to give up. Forget the obsession I have with all that silly love stuff. Forget happiness, forget true love.

Maybe it's just all a fairytale...

Sorry... I am rambling.

 

[dayknee]

I think the only thing I worry about most is the behaviour they see and it possibly being passed down.

I may be a hopeless romantic and live my live in a silly dream but honestly there seems to be no room for true love in the reality we live in.

I had always hoped that at some point in my life I would be able to show my children what it meant to love someone completely.

They know how I love them and they know my love for God and beauty. But they have never had an example of two people loving each other completely, in fact they see the opposite.

They see their father living day to day miserable.

Someone had said something about growing a back bone, trust me I didn't take offense, I found it quite funny. Our problems really got bad when I decided to grow a back bone..

I finally started standing up for myself.

Then the fighting started again...

I was honest with the pastor, but his eyes and heart are going to see something that is not there. Ultimately it is the husbands responsability to repair the marriage.

And it is just verbal abuse... Men have dealt with this for years, we gave it a name so we wouldn't feel emasculated.... Nagging.

She is trying now... I guess.

She still makes little comments here and there but it's been two days and we haven't gotten into any huge arguement...

I'm really tired...

I wonder if it would just be easier to give up. Forget the obsession I have with all that silly love stuff. Forget happiness, forget true love.

Maybe it's just all a fairytale...

Sorry... I am rambling.

I cannot believe how our situations are exactly the same but ..I am you in this situation..
I dream of true love honesty open communication..something that I always wanted to show my children..something I just don't have..I am alone and tired..and definitly want to give up..my husband will never change his behavior and he will never stop being contoling or emotionally abusive..Unless God hits him over the head..
I am so tire..
Im praying for you..

 

[jwwells]

I think the only thing I worry about most is the behaviour they see and it possibly being passed down.

snip

They see their father living day to day miserable.

Someone had said something about growing a back bone, trust me I didn't take offense, I found it quite funny. Our problems really got bad when I decided to grow a back bone..

I finally started standing up for myself.

Then the fighting started again...

I was honest with the pastor, but his eyes and heart are going to see something that is not there. Ultimately it is the husbands responsability to repair the marriage.

And it is just verbal abuse... Men have dealt with this for years, we gave it a name so we wouldn't feel emasculated.... Nagging.

snip

You NEED to talk this over with someone who does not hold men in contempt. Sadly, that will likely mean going outside of Christianity. (What a SICK thing to have to say, but reality is reality and this is reality.)

Verbal abuse is NOT nagging! It is degradation and several orders of magnitude worse than nagging. It will destroy you and harm the children. It is already hurting you! It is already hurting the children.

dayknee: You are right, your two stories are quite similar. It is disgusting that so many of our supposed 'Pastors' reject decency and common sense in favor of hurting people.

 

[dayknee]

Emotional or verbal abuse is NEVER ok..not on any side. I have known many women who's husbands love them so much and they verbally or emotionally abuse them..its wrong..and I think it is disgusting that people are taken advantage of that way. My counselor tells me ever single week that we need to train people how to treat us. she is a christian counselor, but she is all for consequences when things are not right. If my husband calls and becomes angry or starts getting that sublte way of emotionally abusing me..I say..I know what you are doing..and I am not going to allow you to do it..call back when you can be nice and civil. I have had to do this sometimes 5 times a day..its gotten better becuas he knows what to expect from me if he treats me a certain way. It is a hard road to travel. making someone treat us how we should be.

I have this pastor at my church..( one of a few) who first started to meet with me when all my thigns started getting really bad. He then wanted to meet with my husband. My husband meet with him a few times but cancelled more than actually going..The pastor wanted to talk to me again and he told me that david just isnt giving the effort he should be and that it is a waste of his time to continue doing this..so he was going to refer him out..Since then..that pastor at my church doesnt even take a second look at me..he does not speak to me..he bearly acknowledges me. I dont know why..I dont know what happened I dont know what was said..but I do know that this man used to come up to me and ask me how I was and how my kids were and talk with me..and now..nothing..bearly even a head nod. I feel like I dont belong there or that he has some things against me..like I have carried this porn and lying thing way too far and I shoulndt have made my husband leave or something..idk..but I do know that this pastor is on HIS second marriage and he had problems in his first marriage..etc..I would NEVER look on him with disdain as I feel he is looking on me..idk..
Someitmes I think christians are the worst at loving and having sympothy for others becuase of their moral high ground..I am a christian and I'll tell you..I would NEVER treat ANYONE that way if they are struggling..EVER. Why do so many christians think it is their obligation to shun you are look down on you becuase you are unwilling to make your marriage work? They do not know what we've been thru or how we feel yet the feel it's their job to tell us what the bible says about divorce and what our roles are as spouses..Christianity isnt about that..anyways..sorry for my rant..

I am praying for you Donald.

 

[nowhereville]

Telling someone to grow a back bone is not cruel, particularly when you've had to do that for yourself. Abusive children are a lot like spoiled children, the bad thing is when you DO actually start to stand up for yourself instead of laying down like a welcome mat, the fits get bigger, and longer. They will eventually run out of steam when they do not get their way.

Abusive people are that way because it accomplishes what they believe they want. They tend to have intimacy issues and be controlliing so if the can verbally beat you into compliance they will.

If you want things to get better, it will get worse and take awhile before that happens. (Remember, I am in a very simliar situation). I would rather they get worse for a spell now then live like this forever.

Just a little clarity to my prior post.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I think the only thing I worry about most is the behaviour they see and it possibly being passed down.

I may be a hopeless romantic and live my live in a silly dream but honestly there seems to be no room for true love in the reality we live in.

I had always hoped that at some point in my life I would be able to show my children what it meant to love someone completely.

They know how I love them and they know my love for God and beauty. But they have never had an example of two people loving each other completely, in fact they see the opposite.

They see their father living day to day miserable.

Someone had said something about growing a back bone, trust me I didn't take offense, I found it quite funny. Our problems really got bad when I decided to grow a back bone..

I finally started standing up for myself.

Then the fighting started again...

I was honest with the pastor, but his eyes and heart are going to see something that is not there. Ultimately it is the husbands responsability to repair the marriage.

And it is just verbal abuse... Men have dealt with this for years, we gave it a name so we wouldn't feel emasculated.... Nagging.

She is trying now... I guess.

She still makes little comments here and there but it's been two days and we haven't gotten into any huge arguement...

I'm really tired...

I wonder if it would just be easier to give up. Forget the obsession I have with all that silly love stuff. Forget happiness, forget true love.

Maybe it's just all a fairytale...

Sorry... I am rambling.

I'm kind of like jwwells.... I have sexist issues.....

Like I HATE being labled as a nag, and I HATE it that women are being viewed as nags when bottom line is the men are not listening to us.... that's why we gotta say it over and over and over and over again. We are miserable, not getting through, nothing is being done about it... but WE are NAGS because we complain.

Now, I do agree that it might help women (and some men) if they were done with being labled nags, and to call the behavior what it is, and that is "abuse". I agree with you all on this. Because I've had to LEARN how to respect my husband.... just like I'm sure that he might be learning how to LOVE me. And this all began with me learning to treat him like a human being that is worthy of acceptance for who he is before God.... not because I liked it, but because he deserved atleast that much. And I found out that when I started treating him with respect... tried to turn my negative thinking into positive thinking, then I started actually FEELING more respect for him. Like your wife donald... I have been very abusive to my husband in the past. Once i even gave him a black eye... we were having a piddly argument in the car on the way home from church (ironic huh?) and were both spitting angry.... we made a power struggle into what radio station we were listening to (LOL!) and he grabbed my hand and threw it off the control and I backhanded him in his face... i'm surprised we didn't get into a car accident. He ended up with a black eye. Not a proud moment. He's never hit me in the face, but he's punched me in the arm when angry and he puts me in head locks...... we're quite a pair aren't we? He's also worn my meal more then once. BUT we have come a long ways. Probably the most abusive things I say to him now is "I don't care about you." Or i'll call him names.... he calls me names to at times. But it took me realizing that I was treating him like crap before I did anything about it. Truth is you have your complaints, your wife has her complaints... and it takes wisdom to step back from the situation and realize that you aren't going to get that person to see your point of view at the moment.

You can learn to love your wife while she's being mean to you.. this will help her to change her behavior... Just like she can learn to be respectful to you even when she doesn't feel loved by you. Let me ask you this? Does she feel loved by you? I'm not asking if you make effort to show her you love her.... I'm asking what is her take on it? What is she complaining about? You see, hubby thinks he's a good hubby and that he shows me love all the time, but I often struggle feeling loved by him because he doesn't speak my language. What is important is what your spouse feels... anyways.. I may be getting away from your situation.

Hope it helps.

HB