Abuse...

[ciaradawn]

I don't know about legally, but I know that verbal abuse can be just as hurtful as physical abuse and I would not want anyone to put up with that.

 

[united4Peace]

Find me scripture that says it's ok to get a divorce for any reason other than adultery or being left by an unbelieving spouse, please. I can't imagine God would expect the abused person to stay, but that isn't the same as getting divorced.

You know what...
Im Christian...I commited adultery...we are still married...however we put alot of work into our marriage after that...made it work...


My husband is a lapsed Catholic...athiest/agnostic and not abusive...and Id rather be married to him than to somone physically, or menatlly abusive anyday and I think God would agree and has put us together for a reason (our marriage took place in a Church -A Christian Church-the denomination I belong too)...
I tend to believe that things happen for a reason, that our children are a blessing from God etc...
I just dont accept abusive partnerships as something God wants for one...

Something in a marriage can be worked around, however broken bones more than often land the person up 6 feet under

Peace and Godbless

 

[jwwells]

There's too much legalism here: Too much putting things of man onto God. This is the SAME problem which Jesus faced: The same problem which Jesus preached against!

There's also a LOT too much assuming that the abuser is a man and the abused a woman. That is a HUGE problem in our society and one which kills people.

The OP is a MAN! The OP is a man asking about a woman's VERBAL VIOLENCE!

What do you think?

Does a woman have the right to abuse a man?

Many MANY people say YES! What do YOU think?

 

[Adamantium]

Does a woman have the right to abuse a man?

Many MANY people say YES! What do YOU think?

Of course neither spouse has the "right" to abuse the other, in any way. Both spouses should cherish each other. Abuse of any kind is wrong, period.

 

[dayknee]

There's too much legalism here: Too much putting things of man onto God. This is the SAME problem which Jesus faced: The same problem which Jesus preached against!

There's also a LOT too much assuming that the abuser is a man and the abused a woman. That is a HUGE problem in our society and one which kills people.

The OP is a MAN! The OP is a man asking about a woman's VERBAL VIOLENCE!

What do you think?

Does a woman have the right to abuse a man?

Many MANY people say YES! What do YOU think?

Absolutely not..A women has no right to verbally or physically abuse a man. I would say the same thing to a man that I would say to a woman..get the wife some counseling and try to work on it. If that doesnt work and she is unwilling, seperate. Sometimes women can feel they are justified in treating a man this way due to things that happened in the past or in previous relationships..No one has the right to verbally or psycically abuse anyone..Man or women..it isnt right.

 

[jwwells]

Absolutely not..A women has no right to verbally or physically abuse a man. I would say the same thing to a man that I would say to a woman..get the wife some counseling and try to work on it. If that doesnt work and she is unwilling, seperate. Sometimes women can feel they are justified in treating a man this way due to things that happened in the past or in previous relationships..No one has the right to verbally or psycically abuse anyone..Man or women..it isnt right.

I agree that no one has the right to abuse another.

YET! Yet, I look around Marriage Ministry or other forums and ...

It LOOKS like the women are saying that men aren't people, are not human enough for basic consideration. Of course there will be some who REALLY are saying that. Most will simply not be thinking and that is the problem.

Was it not Dr, Phil who said something along the lines of "Sometimes appearance is more important than fact" ???? I think he said something along those lines.

That's why it can be so very disheartening to be a man in pain and post here (or anywhere) and pretty soon all talk is about those evil men.

It is so VERY disheartening.
​

This is one of the things our womenfolk must watch most carefully. It is so VERY easy to drive a hurting man away by simply not thinking!

We really NEED to remember that for ALL OF NORTH AMERICA there are only four services which take abused men and their children, one in Alberta, two in California and one in Indiana. NONE of the Christian ones do! Not one out of thirteen... sad to say.

 

[dayknee]

I agree that no one has the right to abuse another.

YET! Yet, I look around Marriage Ministry or other forums and ...

It LOOKS like the women are saying that men aren't people, are not human enough for basic consideration. Of course there will be some who REALLY are saying that. Most will simply not be thinking and that is the problem.

Was it not Dr, Phil who said something along the lines of "Sometimes appearance is more important than fact" ???? I think he said something along those lines.

That's why it can be so very disheartening to be a man in pain and post here (or anywhere) and pretty soon all talk is about those evil men.

It is so VERY disheartening.
​

This is one of the things our womenfolk must watch most carefully. It is so VERY easy to drive a hurting man away by simply not thinking!

We really NEED to remember that for ALL OF NORTH AMERICA there are only four services which take abused men and their children, one in Alberta, two in California and one in Indiana. NONE of the Christian ones do! Not one out of thirteen... sad to say.

I agree with everything you are saying..
Although I have to say that I come on here complaining about my husband..but I ( and only I know) that I have valid reason to. I try to get helpful advice etc..My husband is very controlling..actually I started keeping a log about how many times he calls a day to "check on me" (as per my counselors advice) it is bearly 9:10 and he has called 4 times since 6:45 am to see what I am doing..for me this is typical..but anyways..I know it is sad that there are limited resources for men who are in abusive situations..I remember watching a lifetime movie a long time ago..I think Judith Light is the main women..she is verbally and physically abusive towards her husband..a very very sad movie..sad to see a woman so out of control and abuse her husband..I actually never thought it existed..I wish I could remember the name of the movie..but it is definitely something to watch to see how real it is and how it DOES happen.

 

[jwwells]

I agree with everything you are saying..
Although I have to say that I come on here complaining about my husband..but I ( and only I know) that I have valid reason to. I try to get helpful advice etc..My husband is very controlling..actually I started keeping a log about how many times he calls a day to "check on me" (as per my counselors advice) it is bearly 9:10 and he has called 4 times since 6:45 am to see what I am doing..for me this is typical..but anyways..I know it is sad that there are limited resources for men who are in abusive situations..I remember watching a lifetime movie a long time ago..I think Judith Light is the main women..she is verbally and physically abusive towards her husband..a very very sad movie..sad to see a woman so out of control and abuse her husband..I actually never thought it existed..I wish I could remember the name of the movie..but it is definitely something to watch to see how real it is and how it DOES happen.

Yeah. My step-daughter finally had to get rid of her husband because of the control and verbal abuse. It's a BIG problem. Mind you! Her husband learned how to behave from his mother who is one of the most controlling and verbally abusive people I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

The Bible speaks of such sins passing on to the seventh generation (seven being the common word for any unknown large number, similar to million now).

Have you read Dr. Irene Matiatos? (www.drirene.com/) She has some good advice on controlling and specializes in verbal abuse.

My point really had nothing to do with the abused women per se and more about THINKING since it is so very easy to drive a hurting man away.

 

[dayknee]

Yeah. My step-daughter finally had to get rid of her husband because of the control and verbal abuse. It's a BIG problem. Mind you! Her husband learned how to behave from his mother who is one of the most controlling and verbally abusive people I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

The Bible speaks of such sins passing on to the seventh generation (seven being the common word for any unknown large number, similar to million now).

Have you read Dr. Irene Matiatos? (www.drirene.com/) She has some good advice on controlling and specializes in verbal abuse.

My point really had nothing to do with the abused women per se and more about THINKING since it is so very easy to drive a hurting man away.

I thank you for the information..I think I have read just about everything I could get myhands on about verbal and emotional abuse..I still have a hard time dealing with it..He is not at home..( seperated 10 months) and I like it so much better..and so do the kids..He was never really mean...(not making excuses) just things he would say..like..with school..( I finally decided to do it even though he was strongly against it) he would say " oh..so.your doing school work again..wow..you do that alot..you are always on the computer..are you learnig things so you can teach me something" things like that..the way he says it..very condesending..he doesnt like me doing things..oh well..
But thank you for the link..Im going to check it out.

 

[Diane_Windsor]

Is verbal abuse grounds for a divorce..

You would have to contact a divorce attourney.

What if it is constant and throw in a couple incidents where it went a little further than verbal...

Grounds for divorce?

Again, contact an attourney, and if there is physical abuse in the marriage than I would seek out help immediately. Call a women's shelter, an abuse hotline, etc., etc., etc.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Find me scripture that says it's ok to get a divorce for any reason other than adultery or being left by an unbelieving spouse, please. I can't imagine God would expect the abused person to stay, but that isn't the same as getting divorced.

Well, there is that scripture that says that if someone sins against you, confront him (using my own paraphrase here), if he doesn't repent, bring a witness.... if still doesn't repent go to the church, and if he still doesn't repent, have nothing more to do with him.

This particular passage of scripture God brought to my heart when I was having so much anger towards a so called friend... and the "christian" response was to "accept and forgive" the problem was, she kept sinning against me, and I was left with the burden of being offended AND with feeling like the bad guy because I was offended, if that makes any sense. I prayed and prayed, I tried to take responsibility in my part, I started talking to her about what was offending me, and she didn't repent, instead she took the victim role because I was apparently critisizing her.... anyways, eventually with this passage of scripture in my heart, I got the courage to stop being friends with her... even though no one in my life understood.

That passage of scripture alone shows to us that it is not God's will for us to be a door mat. We need to be with peace with all people "as much as possible"...

we need to do all we can to do what's right... but that doesn't mean that it's ok to tolerate abuse or any kind of offense. I don't think that feeling emotionally abused by somone in and of itself is grounds to go out and get a divorce............. unless you've tried everythin you know to do, and you are at peace with God with it.

May I remind everyone that our relationship with God is a personal one... we are not bound by law, though through his spirit we fulfill the law because he is always working in his, however who's time frame is that in? Certainly not ours thank God, but his. And....

Who is he who judges? It is God who justifies! Who is he who condemns? God's own son is sitting at his right hand interceding for us. In other words! HE justifies, we are no one else's servant so no one has a right to condemn. Like I said, the op needs to pray and seek God in this matter. It's not for us to judge, regardless of what scripture says on the matter... which I just shared some.

The scripture is not meant to be our law (ouch, I can already feel the stones being throwed) but rather to convict of sin (that's scriptural by the way)... it can never sanctify us meaning that we are not justified by keeping the law or making the word a law, but rather it's to build our faith and convict of sin. His law is written in our hearts, and he is our God, not the word apart from his guidance.


Hope this helps someone!
HB

 

[hisbloodformysins]

This is nothing short of legalism though, thank God He sent his Son to break us free from the bonds of legalism. Look, what on Creation is the difference BEFORE God's eyes of living apart/separated the rest of your life and a divorce? Except for the paper? You live apart long enough eventually one/other would commit adultery (even though they aren't living as husband/wife) and then I guess it would be ok to divorce then? The way some are so bent on "the law" instead of grace/mercy just baffles me.

Amen Sister!

Say no to legalism (I think I'm going to put that in my signature )

HB

 

[jwwells]

Diane_Windsor: This is what I mean by thinking. By-the-way, a great many abused women's centers run on the basis that all males are abusers. It's not generally speaking safe to tell a man to call an abused women's center without KNOWING which center is local to him. Some centers are DANGEROUS for male victims.

The National (US and Canada) Helpline for men and women is 888-7HELPLINE and their website is: http://www.dahmw.org/ They are desperately looking for volunteers and support. Jan Brown, their founder, is a decent and tireless worker for all victims.



hisbloodformysins: Legalism is one of my pet-peeves. It is spitting on the Cross of Christ. It is denying Christ. It is in the same category as sexism and racism. You'll get no stones from me for what you say here!

 

[jessesgirl]

I haven't read all the responses but i am going to answer OP based on my life and what happened to me.

In short, yes. If it is continued, counseling doesn't help, seperation doesn't do any good, and there is nothing else you can do. I believe it is grounds for divorce. No one person should have to go through daily abuse of any kind. If the other spouse takes it a step further, even just a couple of times, the line has been crossed into the physically abusive realm. You can sugar coat it and say it hasn't, but it has. So now one would be dealing with two types of abuse...when even one is unjustifiable IMO.

So the answer to the OP question in my own experiences is Yes.

 

[MyaShane]

You would have to contact a divorce attourney.



Again, contact an attourney, and if there is physical abuse in the marriage than I would seek out help immediately. Call a women's shelter, an abuse hotline, etc., etc., etc.

I think the OP is referring to a Biblical perspective on whether or not this is permissible (correct me if I'm wrong D.O.R.K.). Legally speaking, yes it would be, but Biblically, not so much I think. However, I don't believe anyone has an obligation to remain in a situation like that regardless.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I think the OP is referring to a Biblical perspective on whether or not this is permissible (correct me if I'm wrong D.O.R.K.). Legally speaking, yes it would be, but Biblically, not so much I think. However, I don't believe anyone has an obligation to remain in a situation like that regardless.

I don't think he made that clear. I think people are responding to his post how they want to.

HB

 

[nowhereville]

Time is short at the moment so I did not read every response.

God is against divorce except in the case of an unrepentent adulterer and/or if you are married to a non-believer who divorces you. However, having said that, not every marriage was God's will to start with. What we get is often our self will run amuck.

I can tell you based on experience, seeking help from others probably will not work. I recently had one of the most disappointing experiences of my life which only further validates what I thought were twisted beliefs in that I should rely solely on myself.

If your spouse threatens to harm you or theirself - call the police and report it. You should of course let your spouse know beforehand that you WILL be doing this. Don't even speak this outloud if you are not willing to carry out the consequence.

Is this a hellish existence? Yes

Should you pray about it, a lot? Absolutely

I am not God, therefore I can not tell you what God's will for this situation is.

You are not alone, trust and believe there are MANY in the body who suffer silently in hellish marriages and for good reason. Heaven forbid anyone admit they are not the perfect Christian living the perfect life.

 

[DonaldOrwinRenKern]

I sometimes wonder how I got myself in this situation. I look at the man I once was and then realize what a shell I am of that person.

I look at my children, some of which are old enough to see my pain. I know they all see and feel what is happening around them.

I stayed with her years ago because of my daughter. I realize now that I should have left, things only got better between us because I allowed myself to lose the spark of life that kept me going in this miserable world.

When all is said and done, I am the bad guy.

I am the one who is not willing to work at the commitment and promise I made to her. I betrayed her when I told her I cared about her but was not in love with her. I have been repeatedly accused of having an affair. I seem uncaring and cold at times...

She remembers a time a few months back... She says we were truly happy, I look at that same time and tell her I wasn't... I was miserable.

I have spent the last five years making what ever sacrifices I had to make in order to make our marriage work. I sold my soul, everything that made me who I was and who I am.

I am a dreamer, a joker, I love the little things in life. I have always been lost in the small miracles we overlook on a daily basis. I love spending time with my kids, I love laughter and fun. Life is too short to make it about anything other than enjoying those people you love.

Those ideals don't fit... and so I gave them up.

I found myself yelling at my kids at the top of my lungs because it was taking too long to clean their room. I would work, come home, do my chores...

I should have seen the signs when we were dating, but I was a fool. I was 26 and thought I would spend the rest of my life by myself if I didn't meet someone, and I needed to stop being picky.

I think we had been dating for two months. we had gone camping. I woke up in the morning and walked over to the lake, there was two inches of fog hovering over any part of the water. It looked absolutely amazing. I ran back to the tent..

"Hey honey! C'mon you really need to see this!"

She gets up. I walk her over and she looks at it.

"What's the big deal."

Then she turns around and walks away. I know it sounds silly and petty, but these little things always were a big deal to me. I am yet to have her sit with me for more than five minutes outside when there is a summer storm.

So I over looked many many things. I also asked God, I asked him to not let me be alone anymore... I never asked for happiness.

Six month later she was pregnant.

Our entire relationship was arguments and disagreements. I started working late just because I seriously hated being at home.

I stopped getting her flowers because she told me she didn't like getting flowers. I used to get her little things atleast once a week and she told me it was a waste of money... until recently I used to get her cards, just because but I kept finding them in the garbage.. so that stopped... Remember it is the little things.

I wanted to build the furniture for the living room, I wanted it to be custom. She said

"Yeah, I don't think you can do that. no."

I was hurt. Again a little thing. but it still hurt.

I pretty much got very used to being quiet and not talking back. If I did, I was afraid she would cheat on me again. So I completely let go of me and became what she wanted...

The funny thing is. I seriously don't think she gets it. Last night we talked again.

I said "You have to understand it's been a long time of me feeling like crap all the time. when you constantly make statements like 'You can't ever do anything right!' They hurt."

She said "Well, you can't do anything right."

I said "Do you realize what it feels like to be talked down to, wonder what I'm going to get yelled at or critisized today about?"

She said "I never do that, you are just being stupid."

I said "The other day, you told me what to make for dinner, (I tought her how to cook, now she tells me I can't cook all the time) you told me to do the dishes and to not freakin touch the girls dishes. You were talking to me like I was a kid... Then you call me up during the day and tell me that I need to clean the house and make sure everything gets done. Because nothing gets done if you are not around."

She says "Right, nothing gets done when I'm not around because you are not responsible... if you were responsible then maybe I wouldn't treat you that way."

I said "Do you even care about how I feel?"

She said "Well, if you said something that had meaning then I would care, but everything coming out of your mouth is crap."

Then she got up and left.

The moment she got home last night all the kids left to the other room because she shut off the movie we were watching so she could watch something else.

I'm so tired... I know what will make her happy, I was doing it for five years and I felt lost and confused. I just don't want to live like that anymore.

Our pastor came over on Monday, he will be here today. The moment he walked in the door she started crying, the only words that were spoken from her was when she told me to tell him what I had said to her (I'm not in love with you). I can't bring myself to talk about what she does to me, I feel so emasculated, so weak.

When he left, he hugged her and said don't worry everything will be fine. then he looked at me and said I'm counting on you to do the right thing...

... He walked out. She dried her tears and gave me a victorious smirk (Like, see this is all your fault) then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the evening.

I feel like crap... I'm so tired.

Things were bad, but they got really worse when I hurt my arm a few months ago. I couldn't work (Detached a bicep and tore a tendon.. yeah, not fun) I'm finally looking for a job, I'm not 100% but I can work as long as I baby my arm.

I was getting my unemployment check, but somehow it got to the point where I had to call her and ask permision to buy myself a can of redbull or something... what ever.

Pastor will be here today. I know I will be told how love is work and I made a commitment and all the other stuff he will be saying because he means well. He will talk to her one on one... She already said to me, that if we got a divorce she would make sure everyone new what a jerk I was and would hate me.

... so tired.

I know what it takes to make her happy... it means losing myself in a world of fake smiles and being obedient with out question... in other words, say goodbye to me.

A life of work work work. things need to be done, order, organization, (Putting up the Christmas tree was like watching a milatary drill)

thanks for letting me vent... I needed it this morning.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I sometimes wonder how I got myself in this situation. I look at the man I once was and then realize what a shell I am of that person.

I look at my children, some of which are old enough to see my pain. I know they all see and feel what is happening around them.

I stayed with her years ago because of my daughter. I realize now that I should have left, things only got better between us because I allowed myself to lose the spark of life that kept me going in this miserable world.

When all is said and done, I am the bad guy.

I am the one who is not willing to work at the commitment and promise I made to her. I betrayed her when I told her I cared about her but was not in love with her. I have been repeatedly accused of having an affair. I seem uncaring and cold at times...

She remembers a time a few months back... She says we were truly happy, I look at that same time and tell her I wasn't... I was miserable.

I have spent the last five years making what ever sacrifices I had to make in order to make our marriage work. I sold my soul, everything that made me who I was and who I am.

I am a dreamer, a joker, I love the little things in life. I have always been lost in the small miracles we overlook on a daily basis. I love spending time with my kids, I love laughter and fun. Life is too short to make it about anything other than enjoying those people you love.

Those ideals don't fit... and so I gave them up.

I found myself yelling at my kids at the top of my lungs because it was taking too long to clean their room. I would work, come home, do my chores...

I should have seen the signs when we were dating, but I was a fool. I was 26 and thought I would spend the rest of my life by myself if I didn't meet someone, and I needed to stop being picky.

I think we had been dating for two months. we had gone camping. I woke up in the morning and walked over to the lake, there was two inches of fog hovering over any part of the water. It looked absolutely amazing. I ran back to the tent..

"Hey honey! C'mon you really need to see this!"

She gets up. I walk her over and she looks at it.

"What's the big deal."

Then she turns around and walks away. I know it sounds silly and petty, but these little things always were a big deal to me. I am yet to have her sit with me for more than five minutes outside when there is a summer storm.

So I over looked many many things. I also asked God, I asked him to not let me be alone anymore... I never asked for happiness.

Six month later she was pregnant.

Our entire relationship was arguments and disagreements. I started working late just because I seriously hated being at home.

I stopped getting her flowers because she told me she didn't like getting flowers. I used to get her little things atleast once a week and she told me it was a waste of money... until recently I used to get her cards, just because but I kept finding them in the garbage.. so that stopped... Remember it is the little things.

I wanted to build the furniture for the living room, I wanted it to be custom. She said

"Yeah, I don't think you can do that. no."

I was hurt. Again a little thing. but it still hurt.

I pretty much got very used to being quiet and not talking back. If I did, I was afraid she would cheat on me again. So I completely let go of me and became what she wanted...

The funny thing is. I seriously don't think she gets it. Last night we talked again.

I said "You have to understand it's been a long time of me feeling like crap all the time. when you constantly make statements like 'You can't ever do anything right!' They hurt."

She said "Well, you can't do anything right."

I said "Do you realize what it feels like to be talked down to, wonder what I'm going to get yelled at or critisized today about?"

She said "I never do that, you are just being stupid."

I said "The other day, you told me what to make for dinner, (I tought her how to cook, now she tells me I can't cook all the time) you told me to do the dishes and to not freakin touch the girls dishes. You were talking to me like I was a kid... Then you call me up during the day and tell me that I need to clean the house and make sure everything gets done. Because nothing gets done if you are not around."

She says "Right, nothing gets done when I'm not around because you are not responsible... if you were responsible then maybe I wouldn't treat you that way."

I said "Do you even care about how I feel?"

She said "Well, if you said something that had meaning then I would care, but everything coming out of your mouth is crap."

Then she got up and left.

The moment she got home last night all the kids left to the other room because she shut off the movie we were watching so she could watch something else.

I'm so tired... I know what will make her happy, I was doing it for five years and I felt lost and confused. I just don't want to live like that anymore.

Our pastor came over on Monday, he will be here today. The moment he walked in the door she started crying, the only words that were spoken from her was when she told me to tell him what I had said to her (I'm not in love with you). I can't bring myself to talk about what she does to me, I feel so emasculated, so weak.

When he left, he hugged her and said don't worry everything will be fine. then he looked at me and said I'm counting on you to do the right thing...

... He walked out. She dried her tears and gave me a victorious smirk (Like, see this is all your fault) then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the evening.

I feel like crap... I'm so tired.

Things were bad, but they got really worse when I hurt my arm a few months ago. I couldn't work (Detached a bicep and tore a tendon.. yeah, not fun) I'm finally looking for a job, I'm not 100% but I can work as long as I baby my arm.

I was getting my unemployment check, but somehow it got to the point where I had to call her and ask permision to buy myself a can of redbull or something... what ever.

Pastor will be here today. I know I will be told how love is work and I made a commitment and all the other stuff he will be saying because he means well. He will talk to her one on one... She already said to me, that if we got a divorce she would make sure everyone new what a jerk I was and would hate me.

... so tired.

I know what it takes to make her happy... it means losing myself in a world of fake smiles and being obedient with out question... in other words, say goodbye to me.

A life of work work work. things need to be done, order, organization, (Putting up the Christmas tree was like watching a milatary drill)

thanks for letting me vent... I needed it this morning.

Hi Donald ,

I think that you should be honest about how you feel when the pastor comes... maybe you can make a list. Stand up for yourself. It's hard when one can't find the will to even bother, and the woman usually gets the sympathy, it seems to me that it's usually men who don't bother (forgive me if that sounds sexist, I know it's not always the way it is).

If you even care. Truth is there is never just one person at fault in the relationship. Sounds like you two may need to reach a compromise. Like you can't do what she wants all the time, however, you can be considerate of what she wants and make effort towards it, while doing what you want. We can't live to do just what our spouse wants all the time.

I find your post interesting, because it kind of helps me see my husband's side of things. Last night we had a big fight... we've been fighting a lot lately (I know this isn't about me, hope you don't mind me talking about myself for a minute)... and we actually attempted to talk. Until I got angry and was unsatisfied, then it became accusations... anyways.... he said that I "with hold my love" by being cold.... and I tell him that I don't give love at that moment because I feel very hurt by him, and for me to give him love (AKA kiss his b u t t ) then I feel like a door mat, and I'm not willing to feel that way. I told him how I feel his love is conditional, and he was basically telling me the same thing. When I was getting ready to leave for work he was kicked back, watching his show, seemed very indifferent and uninterested in me and I immediately felt unloved by him (which was my complaint) and so I told him that I was tempted to just walk out without saying good bye and to be cold, and he said he figured I would... then I ranted how I'm not going to kiss his b u t t, and that unless he humbles himself and his love becomes unconditional (which I realized that MY love was being conditional at that moment) that he wasn't going to get love from me and he said "well, I figured that I tried so hard (like 7 years ago) and it didn't help so why bother" and I said "yeah, so just quit, well you know what, maybe I should quit trying too.. and eventually that will happen".... we've been seperated before and almost seperated a couple times since.

I was telling God on the way to work that I actually hate him right now... just because I was so extremely angry.....

But there are two sides to every story. I'm sure you both have valid complaints/needs. I need to be complimented.... and my husband refuses, absolutely refuses to compliment me, but he doesn't mind handing out critism... I told him last night that leaves me feeling unloved and insecure.... I really honestly do not know what he needs.... maybe for me to let things go and just forgive him. For me not to complain. For me to kiss his b u t t (if there's going to be any of that, it'll be him kissing mine )

I can relate to you in the sense that I feel like I'm the scape goat for our problems... in otherwords when we have problems it's because of MY moods, or my need for medication. I have an appt. next week to see a psychiatrist and I almost canceled it... because whenever I have a complaint or we have a conflict... it's "when is your dr. appt again".... you see, I have no problem admitting that I have irritatable moods, mood swings... and I conclude that I do need medication, but a lot of my moods are a result of HIS unwillingness to admit he's wrong, take responsibility and put effort towards working on our problems. So I demanded (he's accused me of being demanding lately) that we BOTH go to marriage counseling because I refuse to be the scape goat for our problems anymore. I not taking responsiblity for our marriage. I'll do my part according to the grace God gives me.... but unless he bucks up then things could be very wild for a while... we've been going down hill for this past month because I am not willing to let things go anymore. I'm not willing to make sacrifices for his conveniance while supressing my own feelings. On the other hand I think what is key when dealing with my husband is patience... because I want to get issues dealt with NOW! And it just doesn't happen now. But when I am in an angry/hurt/depressed state of mind... I cannot let things go.

I think back to times when I act very unamused by things my hubby is amused in, and I'm also very insulting, esp. when it comes to his family. I complain about how his father will drone on and on about tracters and farm stuff that I can really care less about, and how I have to hurry him along... I like to pick on his family because they are different... and I don't like how my husband gets that certain spark about him when he's around them.... and how he likes to fit right back into traditional mindset when they are around and how I get left out, and how patient he is with his father, and how he defends his mother's meddling ways.

Anyways... I could go on & on. I think about what you said about appreciating the beauty of earth... and how you probably don't feel your wife shares that with you and how dissapointed that makes you. If I were your wife, I'd probably act very similar if I didn't share your enthusiasm, because I do that to my hubby... and sometimes he does that to me though he's mostly respectful, just acts uninterested but I must say he tries in that area. I think that she, well all of us need to take a lesson from that. It takes a little effort and even sacrifice to enjoy something our spouse enjoys with them... it means so much, we all have our differences and don't automatically have everything in common with them.

I hope you can find some middle ground with your wife. Maybe you two need to do with hubby & I need to do, and just let the issues lay for awhile, not meaning that we pretend they don't exist, but rather realize that when you're so close to an issue, and aren't getting it resolved, it's because you might be too focused on it. Focus on other areas that aren't a point of conflict. Just enjoy being with eachother right now, try not to fight. Then maybe when things are a little cooler and you two are in the state of mind, you can slowly touch on those sensitive areas calmly and that way get things resolved easier. I have to remind myself that just because the issue isn't being resolved now doesn't mean it won't ever be resolved. Does that help?

I hope so. God Bless!

HB

 

[jwwells]

I sometimes wonder how I got myself in this situation. I look at the man I once was and then realize what a shell I am of that person.

I look at my children, some of which are old enough to see my pain. I know they all see and feel what is happening around them.

snip

Pastor will be here today. I know I will be told how love is work and I made a commitment and all the other stuff he will be saying because he means well. He will talk to her one on one... She already said to me, that if we got a divorce she would make sure everyone new what a jerk I was and would hate me.

... so tired.

I know what it takes to make her happy... it means losing myself in a world of fake smiles and being obedient with out question... in other words, say goodbye to me.

A life of work work work. things need to be done, order, organization, (Putting up the Christmas tree was like watching a milatary drill)

thanks for letting me vent... I needed it this morning.

I had trouble reading your post. There's so much hurt. I was reminded of the many many such posts I have read over the years.

You and the kids NEED help from someone who does not hate men! There are such people, more than a few of them. Please, find one.

I'd also suggest Dr. Irene Matiatos' website http://www.drirene.com/

You are in my thoughts and prayers.