abuse?

reg · Sep 27, 2005

hey i sorta have a problem now before i say any thing i want to make it clear i dont want any1 to just say: "GO TELL AN ADULT!" ...............ok i have a freind we've been pretty good freinds for over a yr but we only see each other at school and her name is vickie and well her mom is a harlot and doesnt care about her and her dad who does care about her but is in jail because he shot a man who was sellin drugs to little kids in his neighborhood she lives with her aunt but im pretty sure vickie is physicaly abused not badly though like she doesnt have black eyes but she told me that her aunt spanks her when she doesnt do anything that bad and she hits hard vickie said that the paddle broke 1 time now i dont know she is exagerateing though.........now for the part im SURE is abuse she said that some times her aunt will come out of no where and just start hitting her on the back with a belt for no reason i think that this happens cause vicke said that her aunt has been angry and upset now i know her aunt cant be angry all the time and i dont know if her aunt just started this or this has been happening. well what do u think i should do?go ahead and tell the police? talk with vickie and see if it keeps on happening?

shazabella · Sep 27, 2005

Hey reg,

pray about it and see what God is saying for you to do b4 you make any decisions. It sounds like ur friend is in a very tough place and needs a friend to talk to about this and for someone to help her get help.

Just hang in there

- Shaz

Johnnz · Sep 27, 2005

Try to check out Viki's story first. She may just be out for sympathy. If the abuse is that bad there should be marks or some evidence. If she checks out something needs to be done, but get some wise advice. Police or agency intervention may see her placed in care somewhere, and she may not want/like that either.

Any church support available such as accommodation with family?

John
NZ

shazabella · Sep 28, 2005

Johnnz said:
Try to check out Viki's story first. She may just be out for sympathy. If the abuse is that bad there should be marks or some evidence. If she checks out something needs to be done, but get some wise advice. Police or agency intervention may see her placed in care somewhere, and she may not want/like that either.

Any church support available such as accommodation with family?

John
NZ

That is the exact attitude why so many people keep abuse quiet for yrs ... she is telling you for a reason and its very unlikely someone would make something like that up. The question is do you trust that she is telling the truth ... because to ask to see the scars or marks is an invasion of her privacy ... if she doesn't trust you she won't turn to you when she needs you and asking to see the marks is saying well I'm not sure if it happened i need to see proof b4 i will help you. Just tread very carefully with this one

- Shaz

Annoula · Sep 29, 2005

Dear reg,

i agree with John that you have to find out the exact circumstances.

you can find a subtle way to "request" some evidence. having ur mind open u might see that she might be painful at times. you can think of many ways i am sure!

a pastor or some person involved in the church can be of help, and of course you could ask specific services for example social worker services regarding abuse.
i have to say here that if u are to contact such services or the police u may need to be careful, as a first thought of professionals is that "you" might be the person in need. additionally, they may place some stress on you on giving more details of the situation, even names etc. but this is me thinking, don't take it for granted.

i don't want to make u reluctant by what i said. i just wanted to give you a more wholesome view of what you MAY face.

first of all though, talk to your friend and let her feel safe with sharing all this with you.
if you get to know alternatives for her, eg social services can provide a foster home, then talk to her about it. learn for yourself as much as possible and then give her information. it is highly unlikely that she will do such an investigation herself.
be there for her.

i wish you all the best!

Anna

Surrender2Win · Sep 29, 2005

reg said:
hey i sorta have a problem now before i say any thing i want to make it clear i dont want any1 to just say: "GO TELL AN ADULT!" ...............ok i have a freind we've been pretty good freinds for over a yr but we only see each other at school and her name is vickie and well her mom is a harlot and doesnt care about her and her dad who does care about her but is in jail because he shot a man who was sellin drugs to little kids in his neighborhood she lives with her aunt but im pretty sure vickie is physicaly abused not badly though like she doesnt have black eyes but she told me that her aunt spanks her when she doesnt do anything that bad and she hits hard vickie said that the paddle broke 1 time now i dont know she is exagerateing though.........now for the part im SURE is abuse she said that some times her aunt will come out of no where and just start hitting her on the back with a belt for no reason i think that this happens cause vicke said that her aunt has been angry and upset now i know her aunt cant be angry all the time and i dont know if her aunt just started this or this has been happening. well what do u think i should do?go ahead and tell the police? talk with vickie and see if it keeps on happening?

I know you may not want to hear this...but talk with the guidance counsler at your school and tell them everything you just told us, and let them handle it in the best way they see fit. You alone can't do anything to help her, she needs a system of support and along with that she needs somebody who can actaully stop it from happening. You don't need proof from her, if she is telling you the truth in what's happening, then it needs attention. If she is telling you this to get attention, she still needs help, if she goes that route to get attention, then she's in some type of pain and the matter still needs attention. But I'm with Shaz on this one, it's more unlikely that she is making it up.

How awesome to have a friend like you that cares so much and isn't just blowing it off. Great job in bouncing the situation off of others.

God Bless you,
Amanda

sing4him · Sep 29, 2005

shazabella said:
That is the exact attitude why so many people keep abuse quiet for yrs ... she is telling you for a reason and its very unlikely someone would make something like that up. The question is do you trust that she is telling the truth ... because to ask to see the scars or marks is an invasion of her privacy ... if she doesn't trust you she won't turn to you when she needs you and asking to see the marks is saying well I'm not sure if it happened i need to see proof b4 i will help you. Just tread very carefully with this one

- Shaz

That is sooo true!!! She came to you cause she must of felt she could trust you and needed a good friend. She does need help and possibly to be somewhere else out of that situation!!! I know you said you didn't want to hear this but I truly think that you need to let a trusted adult know. As mentioned, maybe your school counselor and childrens' advocate agency, etc. Bless her heart it sounds like she's been through enough already and needs someone to intervene for her!!!

luv4godremains · Sep 29, 2005

sing4him said:
That is sooo true!!! She came to you cause she must of felt she could trust you and needed a good friend. She does need help and possibly to be somewhere else out of that situation!!! I know you said you didn't want to hear this but I truly think that you need to let a trusted adult know. As mentioned, maybe your school counselor and childrens' advocate agency, etc. Bless her heart it sounds like she's been through enough already and needs someone to intervene for her!!!

I completely agree.
Iw as thinking, although I know this isn't what you want to ehar, but maybe go to a councellor or a youth leader to ask them, you don't have to say who it is, and they can't pressure you into saying anything you don't want to, but you have to talk to someone who can help guide you through this, it' not something you can bear by yourself! I'm praying for ya and if ya need to chat you can always pm me, k? God bless

VickiY · Sep 29, 2005

Child abuse hotlines exist where someone can anonymously report suspected child abuse and Social Services will check out the report. In the meantime, if there are people from church that may be willing to provide temporary foster care for her, a quiet word to the pastor might help.

reg · Sep 29, 2005

okay thanks yall

The-Doctor · Sep 30, 2005

Its been said already and I agree TELL AN ADULT... someone you can trust and tell them everything. Preferably someone who can help like a school teacher or cousellor. Your friend may need more help than you can give and may not know that she can get it. To not do anything leaves her in the same situation which will continue until either she or the abuser stops. From studies I have seen abusers dont stop generally unless they are stopped by someone else.

thepianist · Oct 1, 2005

Hey, I wouldn't be to quick on the draw with this. There may not be abuse going on - how can we know for sure? If you know positively it's abuse then - report it. If it's not - you are going to put that family in a bad - very unsettling - situation. I know that from experience. Our son told a little friend that his daddy had spanked him...the little friend told his teacher...the teacher told the counselor...next thing we know Human Services is coming to our house to make sure we have a decent home for our child...they put my husband on 2 years probation...they told us if there was any reports of anything they would take my 2 year old baby girl away from me!!!!!

These things can be very touchy. If I were you, I would definitely pray - and I mean pray hard - about the situation before I reacted. Be there for your friend - always let her talk to you - pay close attention to what she says, how she acts, etc. I would only go to an adult if I knew for sure there is abuse going on. You - and she - are in my prayers.

RJHarmony84 · Oct 1, 2005

thepianist said:
Hey, I wouldn't be to quick on the draw with this. There may not be abuse going on - how can we know for sure? If you know positively it's abuse then - report it. If it's not - you are going to put that family in a bad - very unsettling - situation. I know that from experience. Our son told a little friend that his daddy had spanked him...the little friend told his teacher...the teacher told the counselor...next thing we know Human Services is coming to our house to make sure we have a decent home for our child...they put my husband on 2 years probation...they told us if there was any reports of anything they would take my 2 year old baby girl away from me!!!!!

These things can be very touchy. If I were you, I would definitely pray - and I mean pray hard - about the situation before I reacted. Be there for your friend - always let her talk to you - pay close attention to what she says, how she acts, etc. I would only go to an adult if I knew for sure there is abuse going on. You - and she - are in my prayers.

This is an awfully big decision to rest on you, I know, but it appears that your friend chose you to help her with it. Ultimately it must be her decision, tho--so it won't all have to be up to you, if that's any comfort. But I agree with thepianist--you have to look at ALL the options before moving on this one, and you have to do it quickly, or, if she truly is being abused, something worse could happen. I know you don't want your friend to suffer! I would make a list of all the options you think may be necessary, (such as talk to a counselor, her parents if she trusts them, etc)brace yourself, and talk to her about them--let her try to figure out what she wants to do, and let her know that it is NOT OK to let this continue. Gently. Tell her that she is a child of God, she is loved, and no one deserves to be abused, if that is what is happening.
And if she's just looking for a sympathy, tell her you care about her, but you're not going to stand by sympathizing while she makes up things about people. Either she is being abused, or she isn't, there is no 'gray area' in this kind of thing, and even a little abuse can be debilitating.
If she is lying to you, then she needs to know NOW that she has to stop--this kind of lie is addicting and abuses other people's sense of empathy--or she'll turn into a pathological lier and sympathy-addict. Which will eventually land her in a mental hospital or worse, prison. And that is horrible way to spend your life!
Sorry for the crackdown, that's just the way I feel about it. lol.

ozman · Oct 15, 2005

O God please bring succor and peace to this young mistreated girl. Let your wrath fall on those abusing her. Make them suffer as does she. Minister to her precious soul giving her strength and comfort. I pray for these things in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ expecting. Amen

SquirtleMcgee · Oct 23, 2005

I don't think that you should tell an adult about what is happening. I think you need to convince vickie to do that herself. Maybe she told you because she needed to tell someone. Maybe you can talk to someone you trust to get advice on how to handle this situation. But I think that she would be the one to tell an adult on what is going on.

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