Abuse in a Christian relationship

FreeSpirit74 · Sep 25, 2014

Hetta said:
Yes, it's perfectly true. I have known both men and women who I thought were great people to be around, and found out later that they were abusing their partner. These people are skilled at hiding their behavior from others. They must be, otherwise that other person would never have married them.

Yes, and when the allegations come out, they can say to their buddies, "Look... (s)he is crazy! You guys have known me for years, have you ever seen/heard me act in such a fashion?!"

The guy I was involved with has a ton of people who would readily back him up. But these are people who are not intimately involved with him, like the people he bowls with. If you only see him at the bowling alley, you can't say you have the inside track into who he really is. Any more than I have the inside track on the people I folk dance with, because that is my only source of contact with them.

If I ever tried to tell his "entourage" about his antics, none of them would believe me in the slightest.

bhsmte · Sep 25, 2014

FreeSpirit74 said:
It is not a conspiracy theory when someone is described as putting on one face, Mr. or Ms. Cool Person for their "entourage" and best buddies, and then another one, where the abuse is involved, with the person they are abusing. You seriously have no clue what you are talking about.

Look... go back through this thread and read my posts about my experiences with mental/emotional abuse and then try and tell me what *I* wrote is a "conspiracy theory." My experience being lied to and used by a man who misrepresented himself not just to me but to no less than two other women *AT THE SAME TIME* was very real, and very hurtful, because he presented himself as being a very different kind of person, and I believed him at the time because I was very trusting and naive and believed that everyone who professes interest in you has your best interests and welfare at heart.

None of which I am anymore. Now I am more prone to question what someone who claims to want to "help" me when I didn't ask for it is trying to garner for themselves.

As I stated before, I experienced significant abuse (mostly emotional abuse) from my former spouse and people who have not experienced this stuff, have a hard time understanding the dynamics and psychology behind it.

These abusers, typically have some type of psychological issue, which is many times a form of a personality disorder. They are extremely skilled at manipulation and making the other person feel like they are the problem. Also, they are also very good at, putting on a completely different face in public and or at work, to the point were other people will think they are just the best thing since sliced bread. The problems arise, with people that are close to them emotionally (family etc.) and this is where the abusive behavior comes out in full force.

When kids are involved, it becomes even worse and you feel more trapped, but everyone has their limits and I had mine and took back control of the situation, after significant damage was done.

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

PreachersWife2004 said:
My ex tried this strategy the first time I asked him where he learned it was okay to be abusive. He told me I was just seeing too much into things and that I should stop being so sensitive. This was the beginning of a long abusive marriage that cycled into physical violence.

Gotta wonder, then, at Smidlee's motivation for posting that kind of bovine material here.

How about the motivation there is often more than one side of the story. Everyone seems to assume the husband is automatically guilty and /or what he had to put up with. Everyone claims to be abuse and/or mistreated by their ex-mate. Also the fact too many women eats pain and nerve pills like candy.
How do you explain a woman leaving a good husband to date someone who physically abuse them?
My first marriage was extremely tough after the first few years I could easy use the same cop out as some many other have used but I choice to honor my marriage no matter how she treated me.

Hetta · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
How about the motivation there is often more than one side of the story. Everyone seems to assume the husband is automatically guilty. Everyone claims to be abuse and/or mistreated by their ex-mate. Also the fact too many women eats pain and nerve pills like candy.
How do you explain woman left a good husband to date who physically abuse them?

Let me repeat, you are talking to people who were abused - men as well as women and you don't know anything at all about this topic. All you are doing is harassing people now and calling them liars.

seashale76 · Sep 25, 2014

Posting this here (just covered this a few weeks ago in my Health Assessment class) because this might be helpful to anyone who reads it.

This is an Abuse Assessment Screen:

All couples argue now and again, even the best of couples.

1. When you and your partner argue, are you ever afraid of him (her)?

2. When you and your partner verbally argue, do you think he (she) tries to emotionally hurt/abuse you?

3. Does your partner try to control you? Where you go? Who you see? How much money you can have?

4. Has your partner (or anyone) ever slapped you, pushed you, hit you, kicked you, or otherwise physically hurt you?

5. Since you have been pregnant (when you were pregnant), has your partner ever bit you, slapped you, pushed you, hit you, kicked you, or otherwise physically hurt you?

6. Has your partner ever forced you into sex when you did not want to participate?

With any yes, say, "Thank you for sharing. Can you tell me more about the last time?"

The Nursing Research Consortium on Violence and Abuse (NRCVA) (1988) encourages the reproduction, modification, and/or use of the Abuse Assessment Screen in routine screening for domestic violence.

The Center for Women and Families also helps male victims of abuse, btw.

It's especially important for people in an abusive relationship to get help, but even more so when there are children involved, because the incidents of child abuse are significantly higher in families where intimate partner violence (IPV) exists. Always look for even small bruises on the trunk, face, et cetera of a child (essentially anywhere that isn't arms and legs) because even the smallest of bruises in those areas aren't normal and can hide big time internal damage.

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

Hetta said:
Let me repeat, you are talking to people who were abused - men as well as women and you don't know anything at all about this topic. All you are doing is harassing people now and calling them liars.

Who hasn't been abuse at some time? Everyone claims to be abuse or mistreated by the mate/ex-mate.

PreachersWife2004 · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
Who hasn't been abuse at some time? Everyone claims to be abuse or mistreated by the mate/ex-mate.

No. Not everyone has claimed this.

The courts sided with me in the matter. My ex never got visitation rights. There was a lifetime restraining order put on him. He paid child support, but grudgingly so that he might possibly stay out of jail.

You sound like you got burned by a woman and I'm sorry about that, but it doesn't mean you get to tell us all that abuse didn't happen. I've been fortunate that I had a loving and supporting family so that I did NOT have to rely on pills to get me through my lowest points. The decision to end my marriage was the HARDEST decision I've ever had to make. The fact that you think you have the right to try to discredit that and basically accuse me of just wanting out of the marriage makes me physically ill.

You want his side of the story? I'd give you all the personal information I have on him if you want. He won't answer a single question and he'd probably draw a gun on you. Good luck with that.

bhsmte · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
Who hasn't been abuse at some time? Everyone claims to be abuse or mistreated by the mate/ex-mate.

Everyone?

Is it your position, that real abuse does not happen in relationships?

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

She does seem more honest than most

For instance: the signs of emotional abuse include put downs, shaming, and guilt-tripping. Well, this is something my husband would never do … there really was no need since I was already fully aware of my inherently sinful nature, my “desperately wicked heart,” … He didn’t need to remind me that even my very best efforts were like filthy rags in comparison to God’s holiness.

.....I wouldn’t say that my husband used male privilege to control and dominate me and the kids.

....Coercion and threats … “No,” I told Deb, “he never threatened me.” I *willinging* went along with all the harsh demands of the Quiverfull lifestyle, and in many instances, I was the one who pushed patriarchy and headship ON HIM. Why would I do that?

The woman actually admit she is the problem. If anyone guilty of abusing her it was herself not her husband.

Economic abuse? My wife relatives were so poor during the 30's they asked "What's a depression?" My side of the family were poor as dirt as well back then.

PreachersWife2004 · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
She does seem more honest than most
The woman actually admit she is the problem. If anyone guilty of abusing her it was herself not her husband.

Economic abuse? My wife relative were so poor during the 30's they asked "What's a depression?"

Oh my gosh. You are either trolling the thread or really really ignorant.

Either way, hello ignore.

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

PreachersWife2004 said:
No. Not everyone has claimed this.

The courts sided with me in the matter. My ex never got visitation rights. There was a lifetime restraining order put on him. He paid child support, but grudgingly so that he might possibly stay out of jail.

You sound like you got burned by a woman and I'm sorry about that, but it doesn't mean you get to tell us all that abuse didn't happen. I've been fortunate that I had a loving and supporting family so that I did NOT have to rely on pills to get me through my lowest points. The decision to end my marriage was the HARDEST decision I've ever had to make. The fact that you think you have the right to try to discredit that and basically accuse me of just wanting out of the marriage makes me physically ill.

You want his side of the story? I'd give you all the personal information I have on him if you want. He won't answer a single question and he'd probably draw a gun on you. Good luck with that.

How did this became personal?

Hetta · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
How did this became personal?

Because she's a woman, and you are referring to how women do these things. Hello?

Hetta · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
She does seem more honest than most
The woman actually admit she is the problem. If anyone guilty of abusing her it was herself not her husband.

Economic abuse? My wife relatives were so poor during the 30's they asked "What's a depression?" My side of the family were poor as dirt as well back then.

Can you not read between the lines?

I agree with Preacher's wife - in itself a miracle - you are trolling this thread and best ignored.

Hetta · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
Who hasn't been abuse at some time? Everyone claims to be abuse or mistreated by the mate/ex-mate.

Everyone? Literally everyone? Cite your sources.

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

Hetta said:
Because she's a woman, and you are referring to how women do these things. Hello?

LOL. Women? I think marriage involved a man and a woman.

Hetta said:
Everyone? Literally everyone? Cite your sources.

you are right there was one person I know who admitted they were at fault for their marriage breaking up.

Hetta · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
LOL. Women? I think marriage involved a man and a woman.

Not all of them.

Glass*Soul · Sep 25, 2014

Smidlee said:
Who hasn't been abuse at some time? Everyone claims to be abuse or mistreated by the mate/ex-mate.

Not everyone claims to have been abused by their mate. That is patently false.

What you have said above is actually the sort of self-defensive minimizing of abuse that an abusive partner might use. If any young people are reading this, please take note of how the above was worded and store it away in your memory banks as a warning sign.

To add to what seashale has posted (thanks seashale ), some other things to look out for:

A relationship that goes too fast. You're in neck deep almost before you realize it.
Name calling and other belittling language. Being criticized in front of friends or having intimate details revealed without your consent.
Blame shifting (It is your own fault you got hit, punished, restricted).
Claiming not to remember the abusive behavior or language the next day. Gas-lighting.
Attempts to minimize or normalize the abusive behavior (as demonstrated above). Religious beliefs can be very useful to an abuser in achieving this, whatever your religion.
Abuse is followed by effusive apologies and good treatment, which is followed by further abusive behavior, which is followed by more effusive apologies.
Forcing of sex or the systematic withholding of sex.
Threatening violence by hitting walls or doors, handing you roughly, verbal threats or showing off weapons.
Monitoring your phone, online usage.
Cutting you out of the loop financially. You have to ask for money and you are not in on the household finances.
Treats you markedly better when others are watching.

We're not talking a single incident here, but an ongoing system of malignant domination.

Smidlee · Sep 25, 2014

A young person needs to watch his/her own desires as this will impact on the person they choose to be with.
More often than not we are the ones who allow the "vampires" enter into our lives. It's a lot easier to believe it's the other person to blame. Even if they are mostly the blame you still need to examine yourself to find how you end up in the relationship the start with. You got to be honest with yourself.
When I was just married years ago there were newlyweds who moved next door. My wife used to comment why such a good person would married the low life she married to. I told her maybe she's not as innocent as she seems and there is a reason she found him attractive. It didn't take her long to find out I was right.

KitKatMatt · Sep 25, 2014

Thank you everyone, for your contributions to this thread. Especially the lists and explanations of abuse warning signs!

I'm glad that this is a serious topic for most everyone. Hopefully, this can help lessen the ability for abusers to find victims.

Edit: and I recommend what others on this thread already have in regards to a certain trouble maker.

keith99 · Sep 25, 2014

Hetta said:
Everyone? Literally everyone? Cite your sources.

Not everyone. Not by a longshot.

My paternal grandfather did become abusive in his last years, after he lost one leg and became bitter.

My fathers greatest fear was that he might follow in his fathers footsteps. He never did. But he did take steps just in case. He instructed me in the clearest of terms to stop him by whatever means needed if he even started down that road.

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