Abuse and Divorce

[Confidant]

Hi. I need some good christian advice. My husband and I have been in counseling for over 1 year. He has been verbally abusive and physical a few times. He is not a believer. Well, we were supposed to evaluate things after 6 months of separation to see if it would be okay for him to move back home. Well, I told him I would give him a final answer after my counselor appointment last Tuesday. He got angry and demanded that I give him an answer right now. He went into a rage and started tossing chairs and things around and yelling at me (verbal abuse). Our 2.5 year old daughter was sitting right there in her high chair and saw everything. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, so I went over to pick up my daughter when he came up behind me, got in my face, yelled, and pointed and waved his finger in my face. He stood right in front of our daughters chair so that I couldn't get to her. I had to back up in order to get away from him. I looked over and saw my daughter with tears in her eyes. This happened to be right before my counselor appointment.

After my appointment, I walked in the door and he was sitting there with this angry look on his face. He wouldn't leave when I told him I didn't want to talk now. I was afraid he would go into another rage. My counselor suggested that I tell him he can move back home after he has been on medication for a few weeks for his anger. My husband is extremely against taking medication. Well, I proposed this to him and he went beserk. He first told me that it was over. Then he tried to get me to agree to let him move back in this weekend if he promised to get on medication. I refused. Finally he got this look on his face. He sat in front of me, took my hand, told me how much he loved me, and pleaded that I do this for him. I told him I can't because I have to think about our daughter's well being (as well as myself). He called me cold hearted and other bad names. He said that I drive him to act the way he does. I heard the worse verbal abuse I had ever heard from him.

Well, now he says that he called the doctor to get on the medicine. He is ashamed by the way he acted. I don't know what to do. I can't trust him anymore. I've heard his broken promises so many times. And I can't beleive he played with my emotions like that just to get what he wanted. Anyone else been through something like this?

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

There is nothing that you are doing, or COULD do, that drives him to act the way he does. Do not believe this lie. We are each individually responsible for controlling ourselves. Question: does he have these raging fits when other adults are around?

 

[DZoolander]

People act the way they do - because that's who they are.

I have never - in my 38 years - ever been verbally abusive to any woman I have ever dated - or in either of my marriages. Even with the woman that I divorced - in the worst part of our dissolution and I was most unhappy - I can't remember ever calling her a name.

That has nothing to do with you. That has to do with them - and how they believe they need to act in order to get what they want.

I presume that you probably separated because he was being a jerk like that. So - the time you've been apart probably was meant for him to collect himself and work on those issues. The fact that he flew off the handle when he did - and how he did - is almost perversely funny - and absolutely gives you your answer.

Of all the times when you'd think he should keep his mouth shut and keep his cool - that would be it. The fact that he can't even manage that means that he has done *nothing* to get his problems in check.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

People act the way they do - because that's who they are.

I have never - in my 38 years - ever been verbally abusive to any woman I have ever dated - or in either of my marriages. Even with the woman that I divorced - in the worst part of our dissolution and I was most unhappy - I can't remember ever calling her a name.

That has nothing to do with you. That has to do with them - and how they believe they need to act in order to get what they want.

I presume that you probably separated because he was being a jerk like that. So - the time you've been apart probably was meant for him to collect himself and work on those issues. The fact that he flew off the handle when he did - and how he did - is almost perversely funny - and absolutely gives you your answer.

Of all the times when you'd think he should keep his mouth shut and keep his cool - that would be it. The fact that he can't even manage that means that he has done *nothing* to get his problems in check.

Amen, brother!!

 

[DZoolander]

 

[Confidant]

No, he would never act this way in front of anyone else. He did get angry in the counselor's office one time, but not like that. Matter of fact, I think he even fools the counselor because he has said that he has seen my husband be compassionate to my feelings in the office before. That may be true, but he always does the exact opposite in a matter of time. It's almost like he turns into a different person. I don't even know how he really feels and thinks anymore.

 

[Flibbertigibbet]

No, he would never act this way in front of anyone else.

There you have it - he's capable of controlling himself. He chooses to abuse you.

Protect yourself and your child. Do not let him back into your home.

Personally, I would start the whole 6 month process over again. He would have to go to counseling, and be on medication, for at least 6 months and not have raged at me at all during that time before I'd let him back in. JMO.

 

[Confidant]

Of all the times when you'd think he should keep his mouth shut and keep his cool - that would be it.

That reminds me...a couple of days later, he told me that the argument was bad timing. It sounds to me like he is only thinking about his situation in wanting to move back home. I guess the emotional well being of his daughter and wife aren't as important! Grrrr.

 

[DZoolander]

That's the conclusion I'd come to

 

[Tink04]

we were supposed to evaluate things after 6 months of separation to see if it would be okay for him to move back home. Well, I told him I would give him a final answer after my counselor appointment last Tuesday. He got angry and demanded that I give him an answer right now. He went into a rage and started tossing chairs and things around and yelling at me (verbal abuse).

I'd say he has made it very easy for you to decide. He's given you your answer. I don't see that he has any intentions of losening his control over you. He's acting like a child and throwing a fit because he's not getting things the way he wants them.

Separation is the time when he should be trying to prove to you what kind of person he is. The time when he's letting you know whether he is a person who is safe and you can trust.

Would you think about marrying this man the way he is acting toward you and your daughter? I hope not! If he's not acting like marriage material then don't go back to him.

 

[Tink04]

I'm also going to add that very often an abusive person will apologize profusely and be extra nice and compassionate. They do this because they want to remain in control of the situation. They realize that you aren't backing down and they aren't going to get what they want.

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.html

The thing is is that it will cycle around again and he will most likely yell and abuse you and you daughter again. Especially since he is still doing it.

I know how hard it is to leave. I left 10 months ago without a job and 4 kids to look after.

I want to encourage you not to go back until you see him acting as like a man you would be willing to marry. And acting like one for a long long time. (as in a year or more.) One that acts like a 3 yo having a temper tantrum is not what you need.

 

[HuntingMan]

There is nothing that you are doing, or COULD do, that drives him to act the way he does. Do not believe this lie. We are each individually responsible for controlling ourselves. Question: does he have these raging fits when other adults are around?

Very good point.
If hes getting like this only around her and not around others that makes me wonder if he doesnt know that its not ok and that he does have some control over it.

 

[Confidant]

Very good points. Deep down, I'm not sure that he wants to change. He has complained that I think that what he does is "so bad". But when he sees that there is a possibility that I may leave, he all of the sudden knows how wrong he is. I know that he is ashamed of what he is doing...and his painful past is to blame. I just would feel so guilty divorcing him...I would feel like I'm turning my back on him when he needs help. I wish there was something I could do to help him, but I know that I can't. He needs the help of professionals and most importantly...God. But he has to want change first.

 

[ShainaBrina]

Anger is a choice.

This man is choosing to have raging fits with you. The fact that he can control himself in other situations proves it. Only a small percentage of abusers have a mental illness... what kind of medication are they thinking will control his anger?

The reason that he is so convincing when he is apologizing is that chances are he really does mean it... at the time he's saying it.

I think he's shown that not only hasn't he changed, but that things are likely to escalate further. When abusers throw things around, punch things, break things... it is a threat that says... this could be you! He's hit you before... now he doesn't need to hit you to control you... he can hit objects instead and the effect is felt.

Don't feel guilty for one minute. Your responsibility is to your child now. If Children's Aide knew that he behaved that way in front of the child, they could remove her from the home (at least they threatened us like that up here).

It is in no one's best interest to allow the situation to continue. Would it not be a sin to enable another to sin?

May the Lord bless you and strengthen you

 

[Lisa0315]

Hi. I need some good christian advice. My husband and I have been in counseling for over 1 year. He has been verbally abusive and physical a few times. He is not a believer. Well, we were supposed to evaluate things after 6 months of separation to see if it would be okay for him to move back home. Well, I told him I would give him a final answer after my counselor appointment last Tuesday. He got angry and demanded that I give him an answer right now. He went into a rage and started tossing chairs and things around and yelling at me (verbal abuse). Our 2.5 year old daughter was sitting right there in her high chair and saw everything. I wasn't sure what he was going to do, so I went over to pick up my daughter when he came up behind me, got in my face, yelled, and pointed and waved his finger in my face. He stood right in front of our daughters chair so that I couldn't get to her. I had to back up in order to get away from him. I looked over and saw my daughter with tears in her eyes. This happened to be right before my counselor appointment.

After my appointment, I walked in the door and he was sitting there with this angry look on his face. He wouldn't leave when I told him I didn't want to talk now. I was afraid he would go into another rage. My counselor suggested that I tell him he can move back home after he has been on medication for a few weeks for his anger. My husband is extremely against taking medication. Well, I proposed this to him and he went beserk. He first told me that it was over. Then he tried to get me to agree to let him move back in this weekend if he promised to get on medication. I refused. Finally he got this look on his face. He sat in front of me, took my hand, told me how much he loved me, and pleaded that I do this for him. I told him I can't because I have to think about our daughter's well being (as well as myself). He called me cold hearted and other bad names. He said that I drive him to act the way he does. I heard the worse verbal abuse I had ever heard from him.

Well, now he says that he called the doctor to get on the medicine. He is ashamed by the way he acted. I don't know what to do. I can't trust him anymore. I've heard his broken promises so many times. And I can't beleive he played with my emotions like that just to get what he wanted. Anyone else been through something like this?

Do NOT let this manipulator back into your home. You tell him that he can see you and your daughter at church. Stick to it. You deserve peace in your home, not a sword. Then, pray for your husband and fast for him. When he gets saved, then, you continue the counseling, and when you can trust him again, THEN, you allow him back home. Not a second before.

Do not tell him that he has to get saved before he can come home either. This man will even do that if he thinks it will get him back with you.

Also, keep in mind that he is not capable of loving you and your daughter right now. He will not let you go not out of love but out of control.

Lisa

 

[ShainaBrina]

God has a lot to say about violence and abuse. In fact there are over one hundred verses about [FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]battering, violence, rape, incest, stalking, lying in wait, twisting the words of another, threats, and intimidation. The word of God condemns violence and abuse... He refuses to hear the prayers of those that are abusive (Mal 2:13,14; [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular]Isaiah 58:4; 1 Peter 3:7). Not only that but violent men are declared unfit for leadership [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular](1 Timothy 3:3 and Titus 1:7). Instead a leader should have good relations with his family [/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular](1 Timothy 3:3-4,12). Someone who is verbally abusive is not qualified to lead the family of God. In fact, in 1 Cor 5:10, 11, Paul tells us not even to eat with them.![/FONT][FONT=Arial,Helvetica,Geneva,Swiss,SunSans-Regular][/FONT]

 

[Confidant]

The counselor suggested Lexapro. It's acutally a medication for depression, but can help with controlling anger. He started taking it this week...even though he still told the doctor it was against his beleifs. My question is, what pill will make him start caring about other people's feelings and well being other than his own?

I guess I have a lot to think about. I know that what my husband is doing is wrong in God's eyes. I keep telling myself that there must be something I can do to stay in the marriage, but I know there is not. I want to think that I can change my attitude and show him more love...and maybe that would help him confront the demons of his past. But I know that's not realistic either...been there done that. I can't even be loving to him anymore because it's like a ticket for him to walk all over me. And I'd be leaving my heart open for more pain. I've realized how good of a manipulator he is. And that scares me. Last night, I couldn't even stand to listen to him talk about how he knows he needs to listen to me more, I have a right to be upset, and he was going to give me all the space I need. I've heard these things already many times throughout the separation. Every time I want to beleive he is being sincere, but I don't allow myself to trust him anymore. I just feel like God would be upset with me for divorcing. But I know that my husband would never leave me...he would just keep trying to manipulate me into staying with him. I will most likely be the one to have to cut it off. I try to tell myself that I should give him another chance...but deep down I know that I don't want this marriage anymore.

 

[Lisa0315]

The counselor suggested Lexapro. It's acutally a medication for depression, but can help with controlling anger. He started taking it this week...even though he still told the doctor it was against his beleifs. My question is, what pill will make him start caring about other people's feelings and well being other than his own?

I guess I have a lot to think about. I know that what my husband is doing is wrong in God's eyes. I keep telling myself that there must be something I can do to stay in the marriage, but I know there is not. I want to think that I can change my attitude and show him more love...and maybe that would help him confront the demons of his past. But I know that's not realistic either...been there done that. I can't even be loving to him anymore because it's like a ticket for him to walk all over me. And I'd be leaving my heart open for more pain. I've realized how good of a manipulator he is. And that scares me. Last night, I couldn't even stand to listen to him talk about how he knows he needs to listen to me more, I have a right to be upset, and he was going to give me all the space I need. I've heard these things already many times throughout the separation. Every time I want to beleive he is being sincere, but I don't allow myself to trust him anymore. I just feel like God would be upset with me for divorcing. But I know that my husband would never leave me...he would just keep trying to manipulate me into staying with him. I will most likely be the one to have to cut it off. I try to tell myself that I should give him another chance...but deep down I know that I don't want this marriage anymore.

The Lexapro will help SOME. However, take it from someone who is married to a bipolar spouse, unless he works on the issues that are causing the anger (and that is NOT you!), the drugs will not do that much.

Second, there is NOTHING in Scripture that says you cannot live apart from your spouse. If HE files for divorce, then, you are free. If he doesn't and you stay separated until he gets REAL help and a REAL change occurs, God will not condemn you.

My mother was married to an abusive alcoholic and that is what she did. She still acted as his wife and went and cleaned his house and cooked a meal for him once a week. She just could not live with him. He died and she was free.

Of course, she got a dog and swore off men forever, but that is another story.

Lisa

 

[ShainaBrina]

What about Exodus 21?

Exodus 21:7. And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do . 8.If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed : to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power , seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her. 9.And if he have betrothed her unto his son, he shall deal with her after the manner of daughters. 10.If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish . 11. And if he do not these three unto her, then shall she go out free without money.

​

Here is an example of neglect being grounds. If a man neglected his maidservant he had to let her go free. Surely there this must mean that abused women should be freed as well.

Don't you think?