A stubborn spot in my soul

[The Julikenz]

I found a stubborn spot in my soul recently. An old, undealt-with battle scar. A scar I hate but which refuses to go away. Insights, anyone?

i found one of those about 2 weeks ago. it broke me hard. But now i am at Gods feet, Holy and pure again, ready to serve Him and be used by Him once more. Often the revelation of these spots are simply Gods way of refining and perfecting us. Embrace it and run into His arms

 

[IDS]

Some years ago thru x-rays a spot was discovered on my lung. Ultimately it was discovered that my lungs had been scarred from workplace chemical exposure and I have a 70% lung function. With lungs functioning at nearly a third less of normal ability my lifestyle changed.


Whitehorse, you find yourself in a similar situation. There is something wrong. You call it a stubborn spot upon your heart. Until it is dealt with you will not be able to fully live as you know you should.


I looked up stubborn on an online concordance. In Jeremiah seven times this phrase appears...following the stubborness of their heart. Five times the heart is referred to as evil heart.


I am not saying you are evil. You have discovered a problem and are seeking advice.


Psalm 32:9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding but must be controlled by bit and bridle or they will not come to you.


Matthew 11:28-30 Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.


The last chapter of Hebrews has a verse that goes something like this...Looking diligently, lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many be defiled. Talking of something that is buried deep inside that springs up causing you and those around you problems.


Whitehorse, a little spot is like a little cancer. Unless treated it will spread. You already say that your past is affecting your present.


If you were diagnosed with cancer your first reaction would not be to try to figure out how you got it or why? You would immediately pursue medical help.


from Mark 3:5...(Jesus) looked about at them in anger and deeply distressed over their stubborn hearts...


A stubborn heart would rather maintain the status quo than to leave its comfort zone. Even if it meant another would benefit.


Many, many years ago, after returning from a long season of backsliding, I began to pray for someone who had greatly wronged me. I was asking the Lord to open their eyes so that they could see the terribleness of what they did and find a place of repentence. Of course I had forgiven. And I was obeying the "command" to pray for your enemies.


One day as I prayed I saw the first part of Micah 6:8 in new light...He hath showed thee, O man, what is good (right).... I knew immediately what I had to do. I had to go to the person who had wronged me and ask for their forgiveness for the hardness of my heart. I had "forgiven" but my heart was not right toward them.


I knew the Lord was right. I reminded Him that I had spent months trying to find this person while in sin with no luck. They definitely were hiding from me with good reason. But the Lord said go. So I figured I would go to his mother's house and ask her to pass on my request for forgiveness. I did. Of course we know who answered the door.


He started to run. I assured him I did not want to hurt him. Then I proceeded to ask for his forgiveness for allowing my anger and hurt to cause me to not pray for him but rather "at him". He didn't really understand but sure was glad "it" was over.


There is a scripture that says GOD will take away our heart of stone and give us a heart of flesh. GOD is well able to take a petrified past and exchange it for a purified present.


Whitehorse, you can analyze and rationalize your past but it is only when you realize that this un-dealt with issue is a bigger problem than the problem will you find a place of healing.



He hath showed thee, Whitehorse, what is good (right).....


.....peace.....

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Lee, how right you are that private prayer is crucial to dealing with this situation. I do pray a lot, but I admit feeling a need for soon answers from God, and many times He is tender with this tendency. But in some very crucial areas, and I believe this is one, He wants me to wait for Him? Wait until I get a reply? Hm. This is where the confusion sets in; I just don't know what to do.

Private prayer is a delight, and I spent a lot of time thinking about what you said. I think I really needed to refocus on concentrating on Him while in prayer. Re-establish that quiet waiting. Rebuilding the intimacy that can sometimes be prayed by saying nothing at all, and waiting. I'm very blessed by your suggestions-thank you.

Tavita, absolutely-and that is a very daunting task for me. I tend not to pay too much attention to affect, because it clouds perception. But by not getting in touch with it, I've actually done the opposite of what I intended, because those feelings have really had a chance to impact me because I haven't looked at it. I took your suggestion tonight and asked the Lord to heal that up. Thank you for your kind message.

Brinley, thank you. I pray the same for you.

Izzy, fasting is an excellent means of grace. I'm hoping to do that soon. Health issues have limited me somewhat in that regard, but I'm trusting the Lord to open another door of opportunity for me. I'm glad you reminded me we already have the victory; I think that really adds a lot of confidence to prayer and inclines the Lord to hear. Thank you for your sweet suggestions. I'm looking forward to putting them into practice.

Dear Brinny, what a timely sermon that was. I've asked the Lord to take control of this situation, but I will admit that there are times when finding out what this requires is hard to bear. In fact, I'm in that situation right now, and I'm speculating that this may be the very reason the Lord has pointed out this particular wound. I think I've formed coping mechanisms around this very situation, and the Lord wants me to undo all that and trust Him even if that means more interaction between me and my affect, and the unpleasant circumstances that enatails. I'm so sorry you're suffering too. I'll pray for you, and thank you for offering to pray for me.

Ju, I'm sorry you're going through it, too. That's a great idea. Just run into His arms-it's the safest place to be when the burden gets too heavy. Inherent in that is a complete trust in Him for comfort, and that sounds like a very good rememdy. Thank you for your sweet suggestion.

IDS, Thank you for your reply and for sharing your experience with me. Your advice is very solid-I need to be concerned primarily with how my perceptions and responses appear to the Lord, and how I feel about the offenses should be secondary. When the one is in place, the forgiveness is inherent. I think the reason the Lord has pointed out this situation is because dealing with it will make the forgiveness much easier. And you're right: praying for them will make the job much easier. That needs to be a priority. I also liked the verse you added: Matthew 11:28-30. Sometimes when we're facing a hard decision, we forget that the difficulty of carrying out God's will is easier than the burden we carry when we don't relinquish the baggage. And I think that focusing on God's way being easier really increases the incentive. A very good reminder-thanks!

 

[apadilla]

One word "Forgiveness"

Forgive and keep looking forward, if not it will keep you from experiencing the full glory of GOD.

GOD BLESS YOU!!

 

[Endure2]

the key is to stop trying to figure out what to do, and just run to the secret place to be alone with him and laying everything down, laying aside all the menial cares and concerns of the day and life and just getting alone with God and letting him wash over you, and when God is done, then you get up and go about your day.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Apadilla, you're right. And it's a process. While I do wish them each the best, I don't think I've had a chance to recognize how this actually changed my thinking. Thank you for your gracious blessing-I wish you the same.

Endure, yes-it does help a lot. It keeps perspective in tact and helps me to continue to see this from the Lord's perspective. Somehow just knowing the Lord wants to bring me healing has done a lot to refresh my spirit and renew my strength to conquer Goliath. Every time I spend time with the Lord, I gain more power over this situation. Somehow something in my gut tells me He's preparing something that will fix the collosus. He's so powerful, and so kind.

 

[angelwind]

I have a "guess" at the problem Whitehorse...it may be a deep wound of rejection...it happened to you at the time 12 years ago and may go deeper into childhood...you could deal and reason with it to an extent then, but if the Lord is bringing it up...let Him bring up all the roots that you may be truly free.

I have recently been healed of something that went back as far as the womb.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Hi, Angelwind. Thank you for your kind reply.

I guess what I don't understand is, why I would care anymore. I feel like something really big is happening between me and the Lord and it's a good thing, but what my duties and responsibilities are in this new circumstance, I don't know. All I know is, I don't want to blow it.

I'm very pleased to hear of your healing. i don't wish to pry but i'm happy to listen

 

[Untamed Fire]

I guess what I don't understand is, why I would care anymore. I feel like something really big is happening between me and the Lord and it's a good thing, but what my duties and responsibilities are in this new circumstance, I don't know. All I know is, I don't want to blow it.

Sounds to me like you just answered your own question!

 

[white dove]

... It keeps perspective in tact and helps me to continue to see this from the Lord's perspective. Somehow just knowing the Lord wants to bring me healing has done a lot to refresh my spirit and renew my strength to conquer Goliath. Every time I spend time with the Lord, I gain more power over this situation. Somehow something in my gut tells me He's preparing something that will fix the collosus. He's so powerful, and so kind.

this is sooo awesome, whitehorse When I first read the op, the first thought that popped into mind was: forgiveness...that is SUCH a huge deal for a christian!! But then..I'd seen that others had posted on that topic, so I thought I'd shush up Indeed, how can we say that we truly love God when we hold s/t against a brother or sister? Sure, it can be very hard to get over past hurts and disappointments but with God's love & strength, we can overcome!!
but yeah, man...I just had to post s/t saying how awesome it is to hear that you feel God is preparing you for s/t quite spectacular!! and your post on spending alot of time w/ God to refresh & renew your spirit is definately s/t I needed to hear..thanks

 

[angelwind]

It's ok Whitehorse...if you are waiting on the Lord...He will eventually show what is going on.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Untamed Fire, That would be great-how so?

White Dove, how right you are. Forgiveness is a huge issue. What I'm finding is sometimes it's easy to think I've forgotten when actually I'm just not looking at the situation anymore. It's interesting, too: maybe a couple of weeks ago I was reading scripture on the topic of reconciliation and asked for the Lord to show me if there was anyone I needed to resolve issues with. Then lo and behold. This past week has been filled with fluke accidental situations including an accidental meeting with an old friend with whom I'd long lost contact, and the same thing was true with this situation as the one with my former fiance: I didn't even remember the events anymore until I met the person who brought it to my attention first thing as soon as we both knew who we were talking to. What ensued was a very pointed move to not only remind me, but to console me and give me more information about what truly had happened. I was surprised at the concern that came to the surface afterward as I discovered I had been given a chance to not only reconcile, but to see why my prayers are needed and how the unresolved status of our friendship could stand as a terrible barrier to my ability to love and care for the souls of my friends. (Wierd thing. I thought of my friend two days prior to our actual surprise meeting, didn't remember the event, and prayed for my friend.) The situation isn't so much a failure to forgive, I don't think, but a failure to face and process the discomfort and thereby allowing it to foster a lack of holy joy and fatigue in outreach. Both can interfere with effectiveness, a dampener to my zeal in loving others.

And yet, be that as it may, there is a very deep love for these people and a desire to serve them. The attempt to console me over what had happened made quite an impact and I fell so much better. I will admit the situation with my finace is an extra stubborn source of discontent, but at least it's more discomfort than wrath now, and that is quickly subsiding as healing in other areas is increasing my zeal to serve the Lord. I had no idea how these two seemingly benign conditions are interrelated.

Angelwind, thank you for your reply. I will admit it never occured to me that the situations could be related to a more general situation. The idea has me feeling somewhat concerned, because then I may find the task ahead of me is more extensive than I realized. Notwithstanding, I suspect you have a giftedly accurate perception.

 

[Serenity Now!]

Whitehorse,


What a blessing that you were able to see these friends again, and put into perspective the offending moment. God is preparing you!

 

[Untamed Fire]

Untamed Fire, That would be great-how so?

Whitehorse, because you asked this question:

"I guess what I don't understand is, why I would care anymore(?)"

And then what you posted next answered it ...

... I feel like something really big is happening between me and the Lord and it's a good thing, but what my duties and responsibilities are in this new circumstance, I don't know. All I know is, I don't want to blow it.

This (your own words) is exactly why you care: something big is happening, it's a good thing, and you don't want to "blow it" (ruin it) -- and here is this old glaring wound pointing out a time when something BIG was happening that you thought was a good thing yet somehow "you blew it". You state that you don't know what your duties and responsibilities are in this new circumstance. The unknown can trigger associations with other unknowns -- is there a parallel here? Maybe you weren't sure what your duties/responsibilities were in this old wound occurrence either? Or didn't know what they were in terms of responding to what happened between your potential marriage partner and your other friend, something you might have felt powerless about at the same time you were being hurt by it?

It sounds to me like whether consciously or not, some part of you obviously believes there was something you did wrong that caused this to happen. Maybe something you did precisely because you did not know what your duties/responsibilites were in THAT (old) situation, and that's triggering on the parallel in your NEW situation.

Now I don't know if that's true or not, I wasn't there. What I do know is this: apparently some part of you believes this to be the case; that is why these things resurface; they are triggered by parallels. So deep inside it's like you're saying, if it's true (that you did something wrong to bring it on or not stop it), you need to figure out what that was so you don't repeat the same mistake and "ruin things THIS time." BUT if not -- if in fact you did NOT do anything to bring that on yourself or fail to prevent it somehow -- if that's a false belief you internalized from that old experience, then you need to root this out and get healing from the Lord on it so it won't be hanging around to sabotage this NEXT new, great, big, important Thing with all kinds of eisegetic fears (toxins leaking from the wounds of the past into the perceptions of the present, if you get my drift).

Make sense? So you see, you answered your own question!

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Serenity Now, Thank you for your kind encouragement!

Untamed Fire, that was a brilliant post, and very perceptive.

 

[white dove]

... And now, by influencing this person, I may be able to bring healing to those who didn't really understand my religious vantage point back then.

awesome!!!

But is this something God is calling me to? Or is it just my idea. One place I don't want to blow it is in the salvation of all these old school friends. I'm terrified. And it galls me to say that.

do not be afraid, whitehorse..the Lord our God is w/ us & will not forsake us
besides, even though we are human and we may fail sometimes, He never does...He wants your friends to receive salvation just as you have & He wants to have a relationship with them...
He will use you to further His kingdom...
you will succeed b/c of Him & you will do it for His honor and glory...
but do not be worried..the Spirit will guide you and give you the words to say when the time comes

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

White Dove,

Thank you so much for your kind encouragement. I intend to be a good steward of it and put it to active, godly use. May the Lord bless you in return.