I'm aware that this is quite a bit of text, so for the too long, didn't read crowd feel free to skip down to the heart of the post which is the paragraph labeled with an H.
As I mentioned in another thread, I am actually looking forward to married life despite my deeply held reservations on the issue. What gives me the confidence necessary to embrace the institution is my belief that I've stumbled upon one of the more essential ingredients for ensuring a happy union. I'll discuss my findings here, and I would be greatly appreciative if you guys could chime in with your thoughts as couples who have already taken the plunge and can therefore shine some light on the practical considerations of my theory.
I'll begin by sharing with you the series of questions that lead to my main research question. In analyzing my own apprehensions surrounding marriage, I asked myself, "What do I truly fear about getting married?" Is it the loss of romantic freedom? No. I am by nature monogamous, and I don't have any issue committing myself to a single woman. Is it the idea of intimacy that marriage brings? No. I would adore having a significant other with whom I could share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Honestly, it's the possibility of misery.
Most of the marriages that I've been exposed to feature men and women who stick together not because they want to, not because they have any real affection for one another, but because they are entangled by their circumstances be it children, shared property, financial commitments, etc. I don't want that to be my life. If I am going to get married, I want to be with a woman with whom I enjoy being, and I want to perpetually enjoy being with her.
H So the next logical question becomes obvious. What would lead to a marriage of necessity rather than desire? What would strip a husband and wife of their mutual affection? In other words, why do marriages fall apart in spirit if not legally?
The reasons are as numerous as there are souls on earth, but I believe we can safely cast each under the umbrella of unmet needs. Although the martial union may at times seem magical, the marriage itself, as in the relationship between spouses, is not at all magical. It is organic. It is a living, breathing creature that requires regular feeding and sustenance for its continued survival. Its diet is the individual needs of either spouse. Somewhere down the line one spouse (or both) becomes unwilling to meet the needs of the other, and their once thriving relationship dies a slow, painful death by starvation.
What can I do before tying the knot to make sure this isn't my fate? I can be vocal and extremely explicit about what I need to be happy in a relationship, and I can make sure that my future wife does the same. The catch is that both she and I will have to dive into the darkest parts of our hearts and minds in order to really make this work. We have to be aware of each other's deepest requirements for a stable relationship, the ones that we create consciously and the ones that we don't but are there regardless (insecurities and the like).
For example, I have to not only know that my fiance Jane prefers outdoorsy activities to the homebody variety but that she feels unloved if I never make an effort to read books that she recommends (insecurities don't have to be rational). Of course, she has to be deeply aware of her innermost mind for us to attain this kind of intimacy, and the same is true of me.
So, married couples of CF, how aware were you of your individual needs before tying the knot? How well did you communicate those needs to your partner? How well do you meet the specified needs that were in turn communicated to you? Do you think that my approach is realistic, too heavy handed, etc?
Thanks for your input guys.
As I mentioned in another thread, I am actually looking forward to married life despite my deeply held reservations on the issue. What gives me the confidence necessary to embrace the institution is my belief that I've stumbled upon one of the more essential ingredients for ensuring a happy union. I'll discuss my findings here, and I would be greatly appreciative if you guys could chime in with your thoughts as couples who have already taken the plunge and can therefore shine some light on the practical considerations of my theory.
I'll begin by sharing with you the series of questions that lead to my main research question. In analyzing my own apprehensions surrounding marriage, I asked myself, "What do I truly fear about getting married?" Is it the loss of romantic freedom? No. I am by nature monogamous, and I don't have any issue committing myself to a single woman. Is it the idea of intimacy that marriage brings? No. I would adore having a significant other with whom I could share my innermost thoughts and feelings. Honestly, it's the possibility of misery.
Most of the marriages that I've been exposed to feature men and women who stick together not because they want to, not because they have any real affection for one another, but because they are entangled by their circumstances be it children, shared property, financial commitments, etc. I don't want that to be my life. If I am going to get married, I want to be with a woman with whom I enjoy being, and I want to perpetually enjoy being with her.
H So the next logical question becomes obvious. What would lead to a marriage of necessity rather than desire? What would strip a husband and wife of their mutual affection? In other words, why do marriages fall apart in spirit if not legally?
The reasons are as numerous as there are souls on earth, but I believe we can safely cast each under the umbrella of unmet needs. Although the martial union may at times seem magical, the marriage itself, as in the relationship between spouses, is not at all magical. It is organic. It is a living, breathing creature that requires regular feeding and sustenance for its continued survival. Its diet is the individual needs of either spouse. Somewhere down the line one spouse (or both) becomes unwilling to meet the needs of the other, and their once thriving relationship dies a slow, painful death by starvation.
What can I do before tying the knot to make sure this isn't my fate? I can be vocal and extremely explicit about what I need to be happy in a relationship, and I can make sure that my future wife does the same. The catch is that both she and I will have to dive into the darkest parts of our hearts and minds in order to really make this work. We have to be aware of each other's deepest requirements for a stable relationship, the ones that we create consciously and the ones that we don't but are there regardless (insecurities and the like).
For example, I have to not only know that my fiance Jane prefers outdoorsy activities to the homebody variety but that she feels unloved if I never make an effort to read books that she recommends (insecurities don't have to be rational). Of course, she has to be deeply aware of her innermost mind for us to attain this kind of intimacy, and the same is true of me.
So, married couples of CF, how aware were you of your individual needs before tying the knot? How well did you communicate those needs to your partner? How well do you meet the specified needs that were in turn communicated to you? Do you think that my approach is realistic, too heavy handed, etc?
Thanks for your input guys.
