Since we have moved into our new home, we have been doing very well in regards to every aspect of our personal lives. Many of the problems that we were having have since been resolved and/or overcome. However, I feel that I may be experiencing the effects of having been hurt. To an extent, I feel as though I am perfectly justified in my feelings, and that my husband should be the one to change. However, I am having difficulties in finding a way to express my feelings and set boundaries without coming across as controlling or just plain silly. Let me explain what has been going on....
A few nights ago, my husband began spending more time on the computer. Normally he just checks his email, and is done with it. He had been waiting on a download though, so he started visiting a local chatroom to kill the time while he waited. Well, while he was there, he began chatting with women whose company I was not comfortable with. She had tried to send him her picture, and I am sure that he had sent his. He said that there was nothing wrong with two consentual adults chatting over the internet, especially not when they are both married. I admit to giving him a look, since he had said that he had not asked for her picture. I pointed out that many women who offer their pictures without being asked, and those who have screen names like "sexy sex kitten" had other things on their mind than just their husband.
I didn't say anything more, and left him to his chatroom. At midnight, I told him that I was going to bed, and I did. I waited for a half hour for him to come to bed before I went and fussed at him a bit. Ok, to be honest, I sprayed him with a water bottle that I keep to spritz my hair. I told him that I didn't appreciate that he was choosing to stay online with some strange woman, instead of coming to bed with his wife. I said that if he was going to be naughty, I would treat him the same as I do the others who get naughty in our home (we have cats. lol). I had a smile on my face though, and he thought it was pretty funny. He joked, laughing it up as he got dried off and ready for bed. I had a smile on my face, but wasn't feeling nearly as amused by it as he was, especially not when he started laughing at me and teasing me for becoming jealous.
Well, for as silly as it is, I slept poorly that night. I had a stupid dream where my husband decided to 'help' a pretty girl up a flight of stairs, while he left me behind to make it on my own. I felt ashamed of myself for even allowing this to bother me as much as it has, but from the lack of sleep, I was cranky. Later in the day, he and I had a conversation, and he asked me why I hadn't slept very well, so I told him. Yet again, he starts laughing at me. I really can't stand the "I can't believe it! You're jealous!" comments anymore, and having him laugh at me is just over the top. I would be apt to just foo-foo it off and forget about it, except that it hasn't ended there.
I keep track of my husband's internet visits, behind the scenes. I don't mention it or make a big deal of it. It is just something that started back a ways, when he was struggling real hard with the internet porn. I hadn't felt the need to look things over in quite a while, but that darned green eyed monster was just riding me real hard. So, I looked over a few things from the past few days. This chatting incident hasn't been a one time shot or anything. He has been talking quite frequently with this "sex kitten", even though I told him that it made me uncomfortable, and I would rather that he not. He has also been having conversations with other women that put me on edge. A woman has told him how sexy she is feeling, and what does he say? Is "oh really?" a suitable response? He continues to talk with women who are hitting on him, sending him webcam invites, etc. I have yet to find where he brushes off any stupid sexual advances, or even mentions that he is happily married and uninterested. Nope. He just continues these questionable conversations with women who are not looking for his sparkling personality or wanting to share photos of each other's children.
Is it wrong to be jealous about this kind of thing? He acts as though I am completely out of line for being the slightest bit upset. Then again, he isn't aware that I know the content of his conversations. He just laughs at me and makes jokes at my expense because I am not comfortable with this. Granted, I don't see him having cyber sex with anyone, or getting that riske'. However, the tone of the conversations isn't chaste, and I don't think that it is appropriate. He's acting like I'm some prude though, making a fuss over nothing. Well, it may well be nothing, but it still doesn't feel that nice. He seems more interested in teasing me than making me comfortable though.
I'm just not sure where to go with this. I really want to trust him, but I know that the computer is a dangerous area for him. I know that he gets himself in trouble if he isn't terribly careful. Our intimate relationship has been going well, but this sort of thing still makes me feel vulnerable and possibly inadequate. I don't understand what the motivation is for him to be talking regularly with some 'sex kitten' if he is content at home. *sigh* Maybe I am just making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe my jealousy is just ruling. I guess I just figure that I have ever reason to be jealous over who has contact with my one-flesh partner. I don't want some girl giving him peep shows, and I certainly would want him to respect me enough to stay away from women who would disrespect our marriage like that. Am I just being completely insane? lol
