A Re-do Proposal

[Living4Him03]

Do you think it's okay to request a re-do proposal under the right circumstances? I was proposed to last night, but he did not put much time or effort into it and he admitted that he didn't and was sorry and realized he basically messed up. Is it terrible to discuss this with him further to see if maybe he could keep the ring for a little while longer and propose when he is really ready and has really thought about it and planned instead of just throwing something together? He decided to propose on New Year's around Thanksgiving, so he had plenty of time, but still did not make the effort. We had to drive around for two hours looking for a place to eat last night! Almost ended up at IHOP. Then we went to a movie, which is what we always do, and is not very special or romantic. All my friends and my future sister in law were propsosed to in such romantic ways! The guys spent days and weeks and months planning and they didn't have much money either. I'm really disappointed and hurt that he had all that time to plan and did nothing! The roses he picked were even starting to wilt I guess I deserve this...I just thought that when I was finally proposed to someday it would be so romantic and special but instead I just felt cheap and not worth much.

 

[~Nikki~]

Marriage is about more than the proposal...and if I had asked my husband to re-do his proposal it would have shattered him and hurt him greatly.

Do you want to marry your bf? Is your marriage about spending the rest of your lives together and building a godly relationship, or is it about wanting the best proposal that you can get?

I know that having a romantic proposal is very nice and all, but really it's minor compared to actually *being* married, and personally I don't think it's anything to get worked up about.

There are people at CF who just discussed it with their husbands, they both decided "let's get married" and they are just as happy as those who got the big, planned, surprise, romantic proposal. Marriage is work (and great blessing too), and what matters is what they're going to be like after you're married...

 

[Babymine]

You know, this is the second thread (that ive seen) in which you say that your Fiance/BF did not put much time or effort into something, and you ask if you could should ask him to redo whatever it is.

Maybe YOU should step back and take some time and effort into considering whether or not you really want to marry this man.

It just seems to me, that where true love and committment is, you dont worry about how you feel he proposed to you, or what Christmas gift he bought.

It really sounds like your dissapointment, for some reason, is in yourself, and you are projecting it onto him. Seriously.

 

[gracefaith]

I have to ask - is he a terribly romantic, plan ahead kind of guy in the first place? I'm not sure what good it does to expect that fireworks out of guy who's just not like that. The point was to ask you to marry him - not put on the performance of his life. Don't start out your future marriage by comparing his proposal to all your friend's proposals. He's not those guys. He's your guy. Love him the way he is.

For the record, I was proposed to in my husband's parents living room, right after they had given me a toaster for Christmas. I was wearing my glasses, scrubby clothing and no makeup. There were no roses, romantic dinner or starlight. It was not the scenario I would have imagined. People were so disappointed when I told them the story later. They were all so used to these big productions. What did I have? A toaster?

The thing is, to this day, I still remember every word he said starting with, "I know what love is from watching my parents..." I cried like a baby and said yes. What he said was so special to me. I don't care if no one else gets it. We have the real deal and the content of the proposal turned out to be so much more important than context.

 

[Linnis]

Your Fiance can't seem to do anything up to your standards, can he? I second the thought maybe you need to think long and hard about if you want to marry this guy. Maybe you want a guy more willing to go to any and all lengths to wow you every Christmas, birthday etc. He seems like a guy who doesn't go over the top or spend months trying to wow you and maybe you need someone who is willing to do that. Unless you plan to be disappointed every Christmas and birthday...not to mention anniversaries. That will only leave you both upset, him feeling hurt and not good enough and you feeling hurt and not good enough.

Most guys fudge up asking the girl to marry them because of nerves and usually just wing it. I think the fact you see to find what he does disappointing must be very hurtful.

No, I don't think it's okay to ask for a re-do, besides the fact I think it's rude and hurtful towards your fiance, which date will be the date you got engaged, the day he did it or the day he re-did it?

Not all proposals are big grand affairs, just like not all weddings are but that doesn't mean the engagements or marriages are any less special. What's in his heart is important, not all the material fluff which you probably won't care about or remember in years to come.

 

[Leanna]

Nooooo!! You can't ask for a redo!!

I agree with this especially:

I have to ask - is he a terribly romantic, plan ahead kind of guy in the first place? I'm not sure what good it does to expect that fireworks out of guy who's just not like that. The point was to ask you to marry him - not put on the performance of his life. Don't start out your future marriage by comparing his proposal to all your friend's proposals. He's not those guys. He's your guy. Love him the way he is.

For the record, I was proposed to in my husband's parents living room, right after they had given me a toaster for Christmas. I was wearing my glasses, scrubby clothing and no makeup. There were no roses, romantic dinner or starlight. It was not the scenario I would have imagined. People were so disappointed when I told them the story later. They were all so used to these big productions. What did I have? A toaster?

The thing is, to this day, I still remember every word he said starting with, "I know what love is from watching my parents..." I cried like a baby and said yes. What he said was so special to me. I don't care if no one else gets it. We have the real deal and the content of the proposal turned out to be so much more important than context.

You also need to ask yourself if you really want to marry him if he is going to be an unrmoantic type. You weren't happy with him and how much time he spent on Christmas presents either. Some guys are just not good at that kind of stuff. If he never makes you mushy, can you love him anyway? Will you be content in that kind of relationship?

I have to say, I think you've been watching too many movies. Not many guys are mushy plan romantic date types-- and those types have other problems!! I dated one in high school and he surprised me and was romantic and it was all fun........ but he was unreliable and late all the time. It drove me nuts. No man is going to be perfect, you need to decide what is really important to you. If you don't want to be with a guy that can't be extra romantic then its time to move on. This is a lifelong committment.

I'm with gracefaith on this one. People all expected a big story when I got engaged, and I didn't know anything about it. I actually never thought about a proposal being a big deal until after I was engaged. My husband had puppy love, he was so excited and happy......... we talked about getting married and then he went out and bought a ring to "surprise" me. He was sooooo excited about the ring that he couldn't wait, on my lunch break from work, dressed in my work uniform and everything, he proposed to me on the floor right outside of his apartment. He didn't even get on one knee. We had bologna sandwiches for lunch in his apartment and then I went back to work. The ring was beautiful, but of course, everyone asked me "how did he propose!?!?" .......... for the next 3 years or so. It was hard sometimes because I didn't have a fancy story to tell anyone, and sometimes I would get annoyed about everyone asking me like it really matters. I never even knew I needed a story but it made Bible college rough. Sigh. But my husband is reliable and trustworthy and lovable and so I can live without the romantic movie gushiness.

You're going to have to make some decisions about your future. You can't always complain about everything he does. Think about whether you would be happy if he never did anything as romantic as you envision, whether you can live with him anyway and be his wife. You need to be able to lift his good qualities up and not have a critical spirit. He needs your encouragement and admiration and support -- all that good stuff. Are you going to be able to do it? If not, you really should break up with him and give yourselves both a chance to find someone else.

 

[FaithfulServant]

Okay, I can understand where you are coming from because proposals are a big deal to some people, including me. When I was in a sorority and a girl was proposed to, we would tie the ring to a candle, and there was a ring passing ceremony, (with secret stuff I can't disclose lol ) but at the end of it the girl got up in front of everyone and told the story of how he proposed to her.

All the others go OOOO and AHHH at how sweet it was, because it was recognized that men should put effort into proposing because this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with! Being proposed to in a romantic way may sound cheesy to some, but I must have been asked to tell my proposal story 100 times within the first 2 weeks of being engaged. And I LOVED telling it!!

It doesn't take a lot of money to romantically propose, it just takes time and effort. I agree with the others who said that you may want to reconsider whether you want to marry him or not. If the way you feel love is by being romanced in that particular way - and he doesn't do that - then you're setting yourself up for a big dissapoint ment. If he really wants to propose a 2nd time, make sure he isn't doing ti just so you'll have a good story, he has to WANT to do it because he feels you deserve better......and I would wonder why he didn't put the effort into it the first time?

 

[Chan1976]

I'm with gracefaith on this one. People all expected a big story when I got engaged, and I didn't know anything about it. I actually never thought about a proposal being a big deal until after I was engaged. My husband had puppy love, he was so excited and happy......... we talked about getting married and then he went out and bought a ring to "surprise" me. He was sooooo excited about the ring that he couldn't wait, on my lunch break from work, dressed in my work uniform and everything, he proposed to me on the floor right outside of his apartment. He didn't even get on one knee. We had bologna sandwiches for lunch in his apartment and then I went back to work. The ring was beautiful, but of course, everyone asked me "how did he propose!?!?" .......... for the next 3 years or so.

My story is similar. My fiance was sooo excited after he got the ring that he kept smiling secretly to himself, and he proposed earlier than he planned because he was afraid that I would find out that something was going on. It was a simple proposal.. I went to his apartment to study (it was the finals period , and he just went on his knee with the ring, told me how much he loved me, and asked me to marry him. I was so shocked and touched that I said yes immediately. Like Leanna, I got a lot of flake from my friends about my proposal too (everyone was expecting some scene out of a Hollywood movie), which is kinda irritating, especially when people feel disappointed on my behalf, when I myself was over the cloud on being engaged .

hey Living4him203, at least you got roses. seriously, I agree with all the above posters that you either need to adjust your expectations, or you need to rethink whether you can spend the rest of your life in disappointments that he can't live up to your standards.

 

[Maeyken]

No, you cannot ask for a re-do. Well, unless you said no, then I suppose you could. Did you say yes? To me it sounds as though you don't even want to be engaged to this guy. I think the proposal was sweet, and that you have nothing to complain about. I think it's all in the perspective.

I could throw a spin on my proposal story and act all disappointed about it, but I don't. Why? Because I love him and want to marry him, and don't really care how we got engaged. If you act all disappointed when you tell other people your proposal story, of course they will agree with you and feel sorry for you. But if you tell it like you're all excited about it, and you think he's the most awesome guy in the world, then they should be all excited too. I think you should look for the good, rather than looking for faults.

If you're not happy with him, perhaps you shouldn't be marrying him. To me, it sounds as though he doesn't meet your expectations. Do you love him? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him *how he is right now* and being happy with it? Or do you only see yourself being happy if he changes certain things?

 

[PurpleBunny]

My husband says that everyone should ask your fiance if he's sure he wants to marry YOU. My husband would have been terribly hurt had I asked him to redo his proposal. To be honest, nobody I know has ever had a huge production proposal. The closest any friend came was the one whose fiance proposed in a restaurant and had the restaurant plate the ring like a dessert--and that got messed up (ie, my friend ordered dessert while her guy was off talking to the waiter and it arrived before the ring got to the staff--it was a spur of the moment proposal with almost no planning ahead of time except for the date).

 

[Leanna]

To be honest, nobody I know has ever had a huge production proposal.

Yeah i find these kinds of things run in groups. Where I grew up it wasn't a big deal but we got married and moved 500 miles so my husband went to a Christian university where he was studying to be a pastor and there *everyone* had a large elaborate story.

 

[gracefaith]

Yeah i find these kinds of things run in groups. Where I grew up it wasn't a big deal but we got married and moved 500 miles so my husband went to a Christian university where he was studying to be a pastor and there *everyone* had a large elaborate story.

Yeah, I think you're right about that. Hence, the earlier story about how it was a big deal amongst sorority sisters. Yet another reason I'm glad I never pledged one. My toaster story and small diamond would have been considered rather dowdy.

 

[bumblebee62331]

Do you think it's okay to request a re-do proposal under the right circumstances?

If you need to ask him to do it again, there's something not right with the relationship. A proposal is just that - a proposal. If he really meant it (ie. isn't drunk and proposed to you, thinking you were Carmen Electra) then that is one of the most amazing things that can happen to you.

This man wants to spend the rest of his life with you. He has bought you a ring - which is more than some people get at a proposal, which also means he's put time and effort into it. It's a terrifying thing for some men and to be told that it wasn't done well enough and could you please do it again? is like a mental kick in the ... you know whats.

The whole point is for him to propose and ask you to be his wife. If you can't see past the ring and the preperation of the proposal, and see the question and meaning, there is something wrong. If you aren't jumping into his arms, saying "YES!" then there's something wrong. Do you want to marry him? I'm confused.

I said it in the other thread, I'll say it here. I think you need to write down exactly what you want him to say, buy, and do for your proposal. It won't be natural for him, but at least you'll get exactly what you want.

Is it terrible to discuss this with him further to see if maybe he could keep the ring for a little while longer and propose when he is really ready and has really thought about it and planned instead of just throwing something together? He decided to propose on New Year's around Thanksgiving, so he had plenty of time, but still did not make the effort. We had to drive around for two hours looking for a place to eat last night! Almost ended up at IHOP. Then we went to a movie, which is what we always do, and is not very special or romantic.

You are expecting too much. If you set your standards so high, you are inevitably going to be disappointed, no matter what the poor guy does.

All my friends and my future sister in law were propsosed to in such romantic ways! The guys spent days and weeks and months planning and they didn't have much money either. I'm really disappointed and hurt that he had all that time to plan and did nothing! The roses he picked were even starting to wilt I guess I deserve this...I just thought that when I was finally proposed to someday it would be so romantic and special but instead I just felt cheap and not worth much.

You cannot compare yourself to your friends and future sister-in-law. Why are you dating this man if you want him to be a clone of these other guys? Exactly. He is an individual. Would you rather he does the same thing as everyone else to propose? Or do something you would remember? This is your life, not your sister/friends. And it's his too. You need to remember that. He did what he felt was a lovely proposal. Of course he's going to agree with you and apologise for doing a bad job, but I don't believe he means it. What is he going to say? "I really did try so hard..." Of course not. He wants to marry you. He wants to make you happy, his wife, his partner for the rest of his life. He'll do anything to make you happy, including re-doing the proposal.

The questions you need to ask yourself is this -

1. Why did I not just say yes? What was holding me back?
2. Am I going to be continually disappointed in him? When we buy a home? When we teach our children? When he drives? When he does the garden? When he buys me valentines/anniversary/Christmas/birthday gifts?
3. Do I really want to marry him, or do I want to marry the perfect guy, with the perfect proposal? If you want to marry the perfect guy, you will be waiting a looooong time.

Sorry if I came across as harsh, but this really got to me. So many people spend their whole lives waiting to find that person, being rejected over and over, never finding their soul mate. You are proposed to and all you can think about is how the proposal wasn't quite perfect.

 

[Beth1231]

I'm still disappointed in myself about my husband's proposal. Four days before he proposed (he had the date all picked out, the location and even a friend to capture pictures from a hiding place) we got into the biggest most awful fight of our year and half of dating. And it was 95% my fault. And four days later, it poured and he still tried to make the proposal as sweet as possible. But it wasn't a surprise and yes, that part was my fault too.
BUT....we just celebrated a year of mariatal bliss (honestly) and I've never been so happy. Like all these sweet ladies have been saying, it's about the marriage. It's about you wanting to build the rest of your life with this man. Please don't ask him to re-do. I strongly suspect that the reason he couldn't find a restaurant was because he knew how much you like well-thought out things. That intimidates some guys badly. Especially when they have failed in the past. He most likely was terrified to try to put himself out on a limb and plan something grand when he knows how much you expect of him. It sounds like if you really love this man and want to marry him, then you need to learn gentle grace with his humble attempts to love you the best that he can. Men don't watch as many of those chick flicks as we do, after all

 

[nuarc]

You mean to tell us that you would actually consider teling your fh to "redo" a propsal because it wasnt like other people's?

I'm going to be very frank with you. Do not get married right now. I don't think youre ready. You have very low self esteem, and NOTHING your fh will ever do will make you happy. You have to be able to be confident and happy in yourself first, and 2 things are quite clear:

1. You are not happy with yourself right now.
2. You are depending totally on him to make you happy.

Leave the poor guy alone, and let him find someone who will be able to appreciate him now.

If after you've worked on yourself you feel more confident etc, then see what you can work out.

 

[Singin4Him]

I am just floored by this, I can't believe this question is even being asked and considered!

I agree with what everyone else has said here but what I agree with most is the person who said you need to take a step back and figure out if you even want to marry this guy. Taking that a step further, personally sweetheart I don't think you're no where near ready to be a wife. You have no clue how men work. You cannot ask a man to re-do something he thought would be special even if it took him 5 minutes to prepare. Men think about how they are going to propose quite a bit just like us women think about what we want our weddings to be like. You can't just disregard that, this proposal no matter how long YOU THINK he spent preparing and thinking about this probably meant a great deal to him. How selfish and inconsiderate of you to want him to re-do it because it wasn't the perfect proposal you wanted.

What are you going to do when you marry this man and he tries to be romantic and doesn't get it quite right? Are you going to ask him for a re-do? Believe it or not but men have delicate egos and if you tell him or even express without saying that you are disappointed in this proposal you may do some major damage to this guy, not to mention if he's smart you won't end up with a fiance. I don't say that to be harsh, I say that because getting married with unrealistic expectations would be a huge mistake. I'm sure you have expectations of marriage, most likely you believe it's a fairytale and love conquers all, when that is not always true are you going to all back on this "re-do" thing and leave him and try another man?

I want to encourage you to get book called "For women only: what you need to know about the inner lives of men. by Shaunti Feldhahn. This is a Christian book written by a younger women who talked to many different men to get a better understanding of them. This would be a great book for you to read before you get married, please check it out.

 

[Carri20]

Oh my word, I thought I was a perfectionist.

Look, your boyfriend doesn't owe you anything. He doesn't owe you a lifetime of committment, so he certainly doesn't owe you an engagement ring. He didn't even owe you the flowers you didn't appreciate. And most of all, he didn't owe you the apology you most likely manipulated him to give. In fact the way I see it you owe him an apology. I can only imagine how he must be feeling right now. If I were him I'd be crushed, but I hope I would have enough dignity and self respect to drop the ingrate and find someone who cares. The fact that he puts up with this garbage just blows me away. He's either very dedicated or very whipped.

This isn't a Disney flick you're living darlin.

 

[gracefaith]

Okay, okay, let's not beat her up too much, folks. I think she gets the point. We should encourage our sister to grow, think and learn, not simply list her character failings.

I suppose it's too late to ask now (I can't imagine her coming back to post anytime soon) but did you ask for a redo? What happened? How is he feeling about it? BTW you never mentioned if you said yes.

 

[Babymine]

I would not be surprised if she asked for a redo. I remember the other thread when most of the women advised against dropping hints, and talking to her bf about the christmas gifts, she did it anyway.

I would be happy if she didnt, but it's not my happiness that's important. I hope you can see what many of us are trying to say OP.

 

[Carri20]

Okay, okay, let's not beat her up too much, folks. I think she gets the point. We should encourage our sister to grow, think and learn, not simply list her character failings.

Yeah you're right... I apologize to the OP. But I hope you do get the point everyone's trying to make. Your reaction to the situation is really, seriously, not fair to the man.