A rambling thread of struggle with death

[scraparcs]

I have to get things into words before I curl up in a ball and let this eat me inside.

I can't grieve, I'm not important enough to feel grief, but darn it, she's dead. I hate when friends mean more to you than others know and then when this happens it's the bottom falling out, and people think it's nuts of me to care so much I'm sure.

She used to say she was Grandma -- even though I thought it was funny I thought...think...thought...arrgh. Anyway I think of her that way, and one knows how special those memories are. I think she adopted my mother in her last days. She took care of all that God had entrusted to her, and I quite well know she's rejoicing with him in heaven.

But yet I keep worrying that I'm making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. It means so much more though than anyone would think it would.

I'm sorry, it's rambling right now. I'll try to put this together and explain in the next few days, when I can.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

Everyone grieves in their own way, and everyone grieves with different "intensity." Don't try to meet some sort of grieving standard, because I don't think there is one! Give yourself time to grieve, you don't need to bounce back in one day. Even when we know our loved ones are in heaven, we still miss them. We can even miss people when they are still alive so it is nothing unusual.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

I have to get things into words before I curl up in a ball and let this eat me inside.

I can't grieve, I'm not important enough to feel grief, but darn it, she's dead. I hate when friends mean more to you than others know and then when this happens it's the bottom falling out, and people think it's nuts of me to care so much I'm sure.

She used to say she was Grandma -- even though I thought it was funny I thought...think...thought...arrgh. Anyway I think of her that way, and one knows how special those memories are. I think she adopted my mother in her last days. She took care of all that God had entrusted to her, and I quite well know she's rejoicing with him in heaven.

But yet I keep worrying that I'm making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. It means so much more though than anyone would think it would.

I'm sorry, it's rambling right now. I'll try to put this together and explain in the next few days, when I can.

Your friendships are powerful, if you loved her you have every right to grief for her. Sometimes it unintentially gets stuffed down, but those emotions always rise back up.

My Grandfather died not long after my graduation from HS. I didn't know as much I wanted to. After the funeral and back home. I was listening to a song that just made me think of him and I just completely fell appart.

Don't compare yourself to others. Sounds like she loved you as you loved her. Let it out, don't be afraid to show it. Showing you loved someone is not a crime. =)

 

[Petunia]

I have to get things into words before I curl up in a ball and let this eat me inside.

I can't grieve, I'm not important enough to feel grief,

You're already grieving.. or wouldnt feel you need to get things into words. So you must be important enough.

. . .I hate when friends mean more to you than others know and then when this happens it's the bottom falling out, and people think it's nuts of me to care so much I'm sure.

. . .

But yet I keep worrying that I'm making a bigger deal of this than it needs to be. It means so much more though than anyone would think it would.

Who cares what people think. What the Lord thinks matters the most. He's the One who sees and knows your heart.

You make whatever deal of it your heart tells you to make of it.

But also be thankful that you know where she is.. and that she is still alive eternal, and in good hands with the Lord.

 

[scraparcs]

Yeah, but He could sure use a laborer like that on earth too!

I can't stop beating myself up for caring. I don't need to. I shouldn't. I know it's fine.

 

[Onlythingavailable]

Usually it's the other way around, people beat themselves up because they think they don't care enough!

I will say a prayer for you. May God grant you the peace you seek.

 

[Petunia]

Compassion is one of the things the Lord loves in His people. He sure won't beat you up for it. In fact, He'll reward you for it.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Yeah, but He could sure use a laborer like that on earth too!

I can't stop beating myself up for caring. I don't need to. I shouldn't. I know it's fine.

Maybe it's just me, I would say go to her family and express your true feelings. I think you might be surprized in what you expect them to think.

 

[goldenviolet]

she was really somethin.

 

[heymikey80]

So you know, it's been a year now for me. I've two friends and a mentor in Christ who went before His Face in a year. Now a year distant, it's just exploding in my spirit to know they rest in Him and are cheering me on (Heb 12:1-2).

Meditate on her. Remember her vividly. Don't let it eat you up, but do go through the emotions God has set out for this time. When you get beyond the grief know that with all of this done you will follow in her path as she followed God.

 

[scraparcs]

I'm already there, while I grieve. I can't grieve, really. I think she was all too happy to be with her Savior.