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sidnee

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I am not a step-parent, i'll start off with that.
I am a teenager, attempting to deal with a parents and a step parent
Background-
my mother left for good when i was 8. Since then we havent seen her and rarely hear from her. My dad hasnt dated until he started dating his now fiance about a year ago. They are due to get married in june. I will admit, i'm spoiled in many ways. I'm an only child and i'm used to getting my dads attention and in most cases he rarely tells me no. This being said, i also have done the bulk of the housework and things like that for the last few years because i knew he was busy. So, I'm not a total brat
My soon to be step mother and i have a mutual dislike really, over time its gotten a bit better but not much. I simply say nothing about it.
She also has two kids, 11 and 3, whom my dad adores. Dont get me wrong, i'm happy for him but i'm also rather jealous. Its childish but its the truth. I've made a few REALLY bad choices in the last year or so and in the process i've strained the relationship with my dad and now with the strain between his fiance and i, its getting worse. I dont want that. I considered talking to her, and just saying that i'm sorry that it started out badly and i'm sorry we can not seem to get along but in all honesty i'm slightly afraid she would get upset by it or say i was blaming her for everything. She is DETERMINED that i hate her children, which is far from true, the 11 year old i actually like, the three year old. Well, she tends to do as she pleases and i tire of my stuff being vandalized Any tips on what to do? should i try talking to her directly? or to my dad? or should i just leave it alone? And, if talking is needed, whats the best way to go about the conversation? Thanks guys, and hopefully i didnt break any massive CF rules with this post
 
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bliz

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You need to communicate with both your dad and your soon to be step-mother. I think that both of them will be thrilled to hear what you have to say.

At first, you might be more comfortable communicating with both of them via email or in written letters. Nothing wrong with that. Often it is easier to write things out when you can make changes before the thoughts go out to the other person. It also gives you more time to respond than one usually has within a conversation.

It is quite understandable that this is a major adjustment. You are going from a household of 2 to one of 5 overnight. Suddenly 3 new people are moving into your life, and you didn't choose any of them!

Actions speak louder than words. Rather than trying to convince the adults that you like the 11 year old, show it. Invite her to do things with you and do some things for her. Woo her. She will look up to you and you will have the best friend you will ever have in your life.

Communicate with your dad how you feel and what you would like. For example, say that sometimes you feel jealous - it's hard for you to learn to share him with three other people after so many years with just the two of you. It's also quite fair for you to ask for time alone with him - say one night a month, the two of you do something and spend time together, just the two of you. Ask him for that, if that sounds appealing to you.

Learning to make a new family will not be a smooth and simple path even with everyone working to make it happen. Learning curves are all "J" curves... meaning things get worse before they get better. Try not to make any negetive judgements about what the rest of your life will be like the first time something goes all wrong. It's going to happen sooner or later. And when it does, keep the lines of communication open.

Feel free to PM me anytime you would like to.
 
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dawnsday

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Here's what I learned - it is important for you to bond with the new step-mother. Talking about it could lead to defensiveness and what not. Is there a mutual interest you share? If not, maybe you could do something she likes, or vice versa - just the two of you. Ask her for homework help and maybe offer to babysit the other two kids. Once you build a relationship with her in a fun way, she will be more open to hearing you out.

That being said - it should be her trying to do this with you, really. Not the kid trying to appease the adult...but since she isn't, you can choose to be the bigger person, if that would make you happy or work out better for your new family.
 
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