A question to ponder

[PurpleBunny]

I've seen a lot of posts here (on these forums, not necessarily just the engagement or courting couples forums) that state that love doesn't just happen--it's a choice.

So--did you choose to love your fiance(e)? Do you remember the exact moment you chose to love them or to let yourself fall in love with them? Or did it just kinda 'happen' out of the blue?

I have one experience with 'falling in love' out of the blue. And when it ended, it hurt horribly. If I'd been more cautious and not let myself love him, I think I wouldn't have had so much pain.

I was attracted to my fiance and had some feelings for him, and as I got to know him I realized that he would be a great partner and spouse and that our interests complemented each others', overlapping in some places and being diverse in other places. There was a bit of a spark but I was purposely smothering it until about a month into the relationship, when I decided to fan it... and now the love that he and I share is deeper and more wonderful than my previous 'love', all the more so because we work at it and put an effort into it and choose to love one another even when we don't like one another very much (ie when we argue, which doesn't happen often 'cause we're both not very argumentative).

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Love is a choice. Love is not the feeling, rather a commitment to care about someone so much that you are willing to take up the Biblical roles as God assigned them. This is why I believe in the saying "true love waits". Any two people can get caught up in the feeling of the moment, those fuzzy feel-goods, and have sex. A couple who truly love one another the way the Bible describes in 1 Corinthians 13 care enough about the other person and themselves to stay pure until the wedding night. It's saying, "I love you enough as a child of God to respect your treasure and not rob you of that, just in case we're not meant to be."

Anyone can experience the sappy part of romance, but not everyone can love someone enough to make one of the greatest commitments in their life. That is why there are so many divorces now, even among Christians. People get engaged and married based upon those warm feelings instead of the commitment.

 

[LiberatedChick]

I was friends with my husband before we started going out. He loved me and I knew that but I thought I felt nothing back. Until one night a friend of ours was over at his house and he decided they should call me and so they did. My husband was upset...due to various events going on in his life and during that phonecall I was so worried about him. That is the moment I knew I did actually care about him and love him.

However, it was the feelings that drew me into the relationship as I thought I had to have those feelings. I felt the feelings of falling in love at first but then made the choice to love him. There is a difference and I think many people hold onto the feelings thinking that's what love really is and then find that it all falls apart. Those feelings need to grow into commitment, respect and selflessness. Without that change into something lasting, people find those feelings fade away or are forgotten.

 

[inrsoul]

Love is definitely a choice, not just a feeling... The term "falling in love" seems to suggest the lack of control and not being very sure of oneself. So I choose to love my fiance.

Btw, I've got 15 months to plan.... Phew....

 

[sculpturegirl]

Purple Bunny- That has been my experience almost exactly. I remember one "passionate love affair" I compared to being swept up in a wave or a whirlpool, as though I couldn't help it. It was an aweful emotional upheaval. When I met FH, I was certianly attracted to him and he to me, but I didn't "awaken love until it so desired." While I am passionately in love with him I didn't fall, so to say. Perhaps I was even a little too cautious, but I wasn't about to "love and lose" again. So, I spent much time in prayer and coucil to see if he was the man I was to marry. Thankfully, he is!

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Love is a choice. Love is not the feeling, rather a commitment to care about someone so much that you are willing to take up the Biblical roles as God assigned them. This is why I believe in the saying "true love waits". Any two people can get caught up in the feeling of the moment, those fuzzy feel-goods, and have sex. A couple who truly love one another the way the Bible describes in 1 Corinthians 13 care enough about the other person and themselves to stay pure until the wedding night. It's saying, "I love you enough as a child of God to respect your treasure and not rob you of that, just in case we're not meant to be."

Anyone can experience the sappy part of romance, but not everyone can love someone enough to make one of the greatest commitments in their life. That is why there are so many divorces now, even among Christians. People get engaged and married based upon those warm feelings instead of the commitment.

I think you made a great post here Fluffy.

I am not engaged (but soon enough Just waiting patiently now)
Anyway let me add my opinion here.
I believe that Love is a choice and a feeling. Somedays its very easy for me to love Josh, but other days its not so hard. Specially if we have had a disagreement or Im just not in a good mood. Its generally harder for me to love him. But, because I DO love him, I make the choice to continue to show him I love him, even when I dont necessarily want to or feel like it.

I will give you an example. Last week we were driving home from his Sisters house, and I really felt like he was putting pressure on me to make a decision that I absolutely cannot make right now. I ended up getting really frustrated at him and I kinda snapped. Anyway we were in the car and ended up driving about 20 mins in complete silence. It was aweful I hated it. But although I was upset with him, I KNEW he was really upset because he had upset me and really had no idea how to make things better. I knew he needed to feel loved at that moment, and although I wasnt happy with him, I choose to show him love regardless. I reached over and grabbed his hand.
He later told me how much he needed that.

I guess what I am trying to say, is sometimes its very easy to get caught up in teh warm fuzzies and when the harder times come you dont really know what to do, because you have only been used to loving when its easy and convenient.
Everymorning I wake up, I have the choice if I want to love Josh or not. I also have the choice of loving him on my own, or involving God in the loving process. Everyday I pray that I would know how to love Josh the way God wants me to love him, in a way that would being glory and honor to God.

Anyway I am going off now and I dont really remember what my original point was... so maybe I will come back to it later

 

[FatBurger]

Love is very much a choice, but it's important not to discount the emotions, either. If I didn't look forward to seeing Candice again, it would be much harder for me to make the choice to try and care for her while we're apart. I would still do it, but it would be much more difficult. It's that moment when we first hug again after not seeing each other for a few weeks, when suddenly all the work is worth it.

But sometimes the work is its own reward, too. I remember a time about 6 weeks ago, when I got off work, and pretty much as soon as I got home, had to leave again. It ended up being a 16 hour day, and I didn't get off work until about midnight. I got a text message on my phone from Candice saying she was going to bed (since we hadn't really gotten to talk that night), so I called her right away to say goodnight. I asked her how her day was, and she gave the usual "fine" and we said goodnight, and I left. I stopped to get something to eat on the way home, since I still hadn't eaten dinner, and once I got there, saw that she was still up, because she had had a bad day and was upset.

Now, inside I was rather upset, because I had had a terrible day and she had never asked me how mine was, but she was mad at me because I hadn't asked about hers (even though I had). Even though I know that I should've been more focused on her and her needs, and not just wanting to go home, I was still tired and irritable and just generally in a bad mood. So we talked more, and she felt a bit better at the end of it.

I worked 16 hours, never had dinner (since it had gotten cold while on the phone), but still went to sleep feeling content, because I had done everything I could to make her feel better. It was a moment of choosing to love, and I was glad I did.



But there's one other important aspect of love being a choice, and that is learning how to love someone. Everyone needs to feel loved, but people feel loved in different ways, and everyone reacts to crisis and needs to be comforted differently. It's a long and difficult learning process, but it's vital to any relationship.
If your significant other had a death in the family, would you know how to comfort them?
If they had a bad day, would you know how to cheer them up?
If If they were doubting themselves, would you know how to reassure them?

Loving is a choice, but you also have to learn to love. There have been plenty of times where I genuinely care and want to help, but I just don't know how. And those are the times when I'm the most frustrated with myself.

I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere, good luck finding it though

 

[Pope Gonzo]

There were different times where I was aware of my growing feelings for her, and there were also times where we both had to choose to love each other.

Our truest test, and a very true test for others is this: you must choose to love the other when you yourself don't want to be loved, and you must trust the one you love to do the same. It sounds really cliche, but it's true.

 

[lalithaGreen]

I also fell in love out of the blue, and when it ended it broke my heart, and it has never really become whole again. then I realized that God is in control, and as long as I have Christ's love in my heart, my heart is whole

 

[Glorianna]

I fell in love with my fiance. It was not my choice. But there will be times when one finds it hard to love their SO. It is during those times that love is a choice. You don't feel like loving the person, but you choose to do so anyways.

 

[flounder7786]

I fell in love with my fiance. It was not my choice. But there will be times when one finds it hard to love their SO. It is during those times that love is a choice. You don't feel like loving the person, but you choose to do so anyways.

sooo very true. Same thing here, i didnt exactly choose to love him, like, i thought about it long and hard, and thought if he was the one for me, but i didnt choose to fall in love with him...but after being together soo long it is definitely a choice.