A question for the guys

[caitlincares]

I broke off my engagement a few weeks ago.
I told him I wanted a more Godly man.
I knew he had not read his Bible in a long while.
There were some other issues.

My intent was that we would still have a relationship.
He is my best friend and I am his best friend.
We have known each other for over twenty years.

He totally understood why I was calling it off.
I understand it still hurt him.

We do live in different states so most of our time together was on the phone.
I asked him not to call me for at least a month but said I hoped he would write.
Time is ticking down and I have not heard from him at all.

I would really like to have a letter first so I know where his head is before we talk again.
I think it is too easy to talk on the phone - writing takes effort.

What do you all think?
I know he is not a good letter writer.

 

[TriptychR]

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Maintaining friendship after a breakup can be a very difficult thing to do no matter how long a couple has known each other.

If he has not written letters to you often--and it seems like he hasn't--then your suggestion that he write a letter might not have been really considered by him. He may just wait that month and then call you.

Given the circumstances as I know them, I wouldn't be quick to assume that things are really bad if he doesn't send you a letter. The shock of a breakup takes time, and if he is not a comfortable letter writer he would probably not want the first you hear of him to be through that medium. Give him a little bit of time to call after the month is up. It may just be that he's been putting just as much time into thinking about what he wants to say that he would've been thinking about what he wants to write.

 

[wildthing]

I believe it is hard to write. It's hard because there are feelings that are trying to come out at the same time. There are many ideas and words are just not there to write them. I think writting to people to each other is a lost art (gee just look at some of the post in this forum. The writing stucture of them. This includes me too). We have become spoiled by instant messages over the phone or by in E mail. Please give him a little more time let him collect his ideas. You don't know how many letters that he has started to write and after reading he was not happy the way they trun out.

 

[RadG]

I would say what the others have said more or less. I am the type who is not much in to writing letters and more offten than not my e-mails aren't much to talk about either. Your friend could just be a man of few words where what you get on paper or in an e-mail is just a couple of sentences. You might actually get more from him in a conversation because it is instant and there is a dialog going on. I know I am that way contridictary to my posting style here I actually do more conversing through instant messaging, phone conversations, or face to face. You might try to write to him, however to get letters flowing between the two of you, just don't expect quite the length of a letter from him as what you send.


RadG

 

[Aussie_Gareth]

Hi Caitlin,

I think the first thing is NOT to assume anything about how he feels, he doesn't do that well in writing and he may be reluctant to write.

If I were you I'd write a short letter asking him how he is and that you're still his friend and you hope to remain friends through all of this and offer to talk to him about it. Perhaps by saying "don't call me for a month" you pushed him away too quickly, and he may not be able to find closure in this situation, he may think you don't want to be his friend because you don't want to talk to him? But still, don't assume anything that's just what I'd be thinking as a guy in that situation.

Write to him first and see if he responds.

Hope this helps

 

[caitlincares]

Actually he asked me to let him know when he could contact me again.
That is when I told him to wait at least a month.
He also made sure to finish the conversation by saying he KNEW I would always be his friend.

I have written him a few times the first week but feel a little reluctant too now.
Kind of wanted to give him a chance to respond.

I do have a letter written but have not sent it off.
This weekend we found out my grandfather (probably) has lung cancer and may only have 6 months to live so I wanted to let him know.

 

[Tuffguy]

Bottom line is that you can't have your cake and eat it too. We all want this. I dated a girl for 3 yrs, broke up w/her 6 months ago, we where totally in love, but i just knew i couldn't marry her. I basically broke her heart. I really want to be friends with her, but i also know that me calling her will only hurt her more. We're both still in love w/each other,,,i still have tons of feelings for her and i want her to be in my life,,but i know that right now, me=pain for her. I hope the pain will go away, but maybe it woun't. The ball is in her court. In your situation, the ball is in his court.

 

[Buskanaka]

I think just wait for him to restart the friendship, don't try and force any communication.

 

[caitlincares]

I just got off the phone with Aron.
He said he dreamed about me and had vibes that he needed to call me.
I had expected to hear from him this coming weekend (one month out).
So I was starting to get anxious.

He said a letter was going out today.
He said he had wanted to call every week but had respected my desire for him to wait a month.
We did not talk long - he had to be somewhere.
He will call back later so we can start talking again.





I broke off the engagement not the relationship.
When you have known someone as long as we have it continues.
We have been thru so much together.

Thanks for all those who gave nice, thoughtful responses.

 

[Buskanaka]

good to hear!